Split Confusion

Honey, whoever told you that your feelings could be "wrong" and your needs should not be expressed for fear of sounding selfish?

No one has ever "told" me that. It's my own messed up way of thinking I believe. I didn't necessarily grow up in a functional household, so, I believe that plays a part in it. I was brought watching my mom swallow here wants and needs unless she felt like she Really needed something. Because when it was voiced, my father disregarded them 100% of the time. So, I've been brainwashed that all relationships are like that.

How is your bf to know what your needs are if you don't tell him? He isn't a mind reader. How is he to even know WHO you are, if you aren't honest about what you want and need? Who is he in relationship with, if you are hurting and just sucking up your feelings and waiting for them to go away?

You sound like him all the way! His "goal" is to get me to stop trying to mask what's wrong with me and say what's on my mind. So, it's 23 years of damage that I'm trying to come back from.

It sounds like you have no other partners. So you're just waiting around for your bf to have time for you. You're imagining his wife is your gf even though you rarely see her in person, and she doesn't return your texts.

This is correct. I'm their secondary partner and they're all I have. But if my bf is busy, then yeah, I don't have anyone.
I had a chat with his wife the other day and we agreed on a lot of things and have agreed to being friends while we work on building that connection and working through some things. She said she wants to be a triangle-shaped Triad. So, if she's willing to put up the work, so am I.

You don't have 2 partners. You've got less than half a bf. It sounds like that is what you do NOT want. Would you rather have a relationship with a monogamous bf, and be on the typical relationship escalator, heading towards living together, meeting each other's friends and family, taking vacations together, seeing each other every day, sleeping together every night, maybe marriage and kids?

What do you enjoy about loving a poly man, over a mono one that can give you more attention?

A monogamous boyfriend would be nice, but it's not what I want. I want the love, fun, and support that a polyamorous relationship can provide. Now in a perfect world, I would love to be able to meet the guy's family and get married and travel the world until we're 90....but I knew what I was signing up for when I said yes. Now, my boyfriend and I have Slightly mentioned me finding a boyfriend of my own. While we're not too sold on that idea, it is a possibility 'cause he wants me to be happy.
 
Thanks for responding!

No one has ever "told" me that. It's my own messed up way of thinking I believe. I didn't necessarily grow up in a functional household, so, I believe that plays a part in it. I was brought watching my mom swallow here wants and needs unless she felt like she Really needed something. Because when it was voiced, my father disregarded them 100% of the time. So, I've been brainwashed that all relationships are like that.

Well, that's what I meant. We do absorb those things from our parents. I tried to treat my ex husband as if he was my dad too. Silly programming!

You sound like him all the way! His "goal" is to get me to stop trying to mask what's wrong with me and say what's on my mind. So, it's 23 years of damage that I'm trying to come back from.

Glad he sees the problem and is supportive.
This is correct. I'm their secondary partner and they're all I have. But if my bf is busy, then yeah, I don't have anyone.
I had a chat with his wife the other day and we agreed on a lot of things and have agreed to being friends while we work on building that connection and working through some things. She said she wants to be a triangle-shaped Triad. So, if she's willing to put up the work, so am I.

So you two want to "work at" being friends or lovers? I hope you WANT to be friends and lovers, with each other, as persons, and not as some relationship shape you'd like to create. I mean, maybe there is potential, but shouldn't friendships evolve because you're really interested in someone and feel at ease with them in the first place?


A monogamous boyfriend would be nice, but it's not what I want. I want the love, fun, and support that a polyamorous relationship can provide.

And by that, you mean a triad where all 3 partners are in love?

Sometimes unicorns are trying to remake a nice parental unit in their lives to wash away the memory of the dysfunctional one they grew up with... My
gf admits to having done that in her 20s.
Now in a perfect world, I would love to be able to meet the guy's family and get married and travel the world until we're 90....but I knew what I was signing up for when I said yes. Now, my boyfriend and I have Slightly mentioned me finding a boyfriend of my own. While we're not too sold on that idea, it is a possibility 'cause he wants me to be happy.

Well, if you want to be poly, it doesn't have to be a "perfect" FMF triad that needs to be worked towards. It could be you, your current bf, a friend or friendly metamour in his wife, and another hot bf as well! Why not?
 
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