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  #11  
Old 01-22-2016, 02:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad my post earlier helped you some.

Quote:
I'm sure everyone else on here would've have thought as much seeing as I gave praise to a reply that I suggest that I tell her what happened.
Actually, I was wondering the same thing. Not because I assumed you wouldn't tell her about the cheating, but because I don't like to assume anything at all. I prefer things articulated clear cut. The habit of not assuming things leads to asking clarifying questions for me. The habit of asking clarifying questions minimizes miscommunication in my life.

Glad you are going to come clean. I encourage you to ask for what you want in your relationships -- if you do not want monogamy, ask for non-exclusive. If you and GF are just not compatible, be ok letting it go. Not everyone you date will be a runner. That's ok. That's what dating is for. To sort out which ones are compatible. So sort this one out.

Quote:
The truth is that I don't know how to be in anything serious and longer than a few months and that it scares me to try.
If you do not try, how are you supposed to know how? You learn by doing. Not from the air. If those are skills you want to cultivate, you will make the time the do so. If not, you don't.

Do you mean something else? Is it that you are you afraid of being left? So it's like "leave them before they leave me?"

Quote:
I'm afraid that I'd get stuck after years. That one day feelings would dissolve and I'd have to still stick around.
Where are these beliefs coming from? Who is making you stuck? You are not a leaf blown about in the wind. You are the captain of your ship. You are in charge of your willingness to participate in things. If at some point in the future you want to break up because you are not willing to be there any more, you CAN.

It's not like you have to be sealed to someone for life.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2016 at 04:17 PM.
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  #12  
Old 01-23-2016, 02:22 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Alright so I told her.

She didn't really anything about it but she just wanted to logically know what would make sense moving on. She is currently processing whether she wants to end it because that make sense or build from there moving on with our relationship because she can understand my reasoning and wants to possibly explore it fro happening again.
She tried asking if there was something she could've done to prevent it and I said no you shouldn't think about that at all.

At this moment I am thinking ok wow pretty understanding and I'd be fine with both scenarios and I'd be pretty happy with the option about building and exploring my faults and what not.

The only problem is that my friend and I are pretty close.(conference girl). She hasn't treated me like swag or anything negative, she's an awesome human being who has helped me heal through so much and with whom I share so much with and vice versa. We have an open communication about everything. She is the only person I know invested in my growth as a human being.

I had told my partner about that and she said thats fine because doesn't expect herself to be able to handle all that from me. I said it shouldn't be like that and I kind of said I'd want all that to be with her as opposed to going to (conference girl).

My issue and question now is....ok fine if current partner and I work on things....how can I make sure that feelings won't become too much for me for conference girl since the two of us are to remain as friends. Conversation about not touching will certainly take place but emotions are a different beast. I told my partner this but she didn't say anything about it.
I feel like i'd end up growing feelings for the both of them. Should I simply let the current partner go and make her decision easier as she contemplates? I do not want to cause more hurt. Also trying to be completely selfless.
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  #13  
Old 01-23-2016, 04:07 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?
I owe you an apology...galagirl showed to me that it was a genuine question and I have told her. This stuff is not my forte at all. I was being defensive because I felt exposed on the internet.

Last edited by Saphiredark; 01-23-2016 at 04:08 PM. Reason: Spelling
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  #14  
Old 01-23-2016, 04:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
if current partner and I work on things....how can I make sure that feelings won't become too much for me for conference girl since the two of us are to remain as friends. Conversation about not touching will certainly take place but emotions are a different beast.
The only things I can think of are

1) Make a plan for what to do if you DO get overwhelmed.

2) End it with Crush or with GF. Then no longer an issue because one of them is out of the picture.

3) Minimize contact with Crush until feelings run their course.

4) Put up with having feelings and do nothing about pursuing them with Crush.

You are the one in charge. Not your thoughts or your feelings. Sometimes thoughts and feelings can be wrong.

If I wake up scared at a shadow and conclude there's the burglar in the corner? I think there's a burglar and I feel scared. If I take a second look and see it is the tree outside shadow? I think I am actually safe, so I feel relieved. Thoughts and feelings are not always right at first pass.


Quote:
I feel like i'd end up growing feelings for the both of them.
And this is terrible for you how? Are you not able to enjoy having feelings for both? Not able to exercise self control and keep your agreements? Just because you feel something doesn't mean you run off to do it right then. You can choose to feel something and not do anything about it.

Quote:
Should I simply let the current partner go and make her decision easier as she contemplates?
If it would make YOUR decisions easier to contemplate if you let her go? End it with GF. Reduce your struggles.

Quote:
I do not want to cause more hurt. Also trying to be completely selfless.
Being selfless is not balanced or admirable. It's throwing your needs under the bus in hopes someone else will appreciate that behavior.

In the spectrum of

selfish -- self full -- selfless

the ends are like the tilted see-saw places.
  • Selfish = mememememe! Ignore everyone else and make it all about me!
  • Selfless = themthemthem! Ignore my needs and make it all about them!

Neither is healthy. But they do tend to attract each other.

The balanced place in the middle is self full.
  • Self full: I tend to my own needs first, so I do not burn out or run dry. Then I am able to gift my help to others so they can meet their rational and reasonable needs.

I think you sound hot for Crush, and not so much with GF.

Though now maybe you are making yourself feel obligated to stay in order assuage you feeling guilty about the cheating.

I think that you actually don't have to do that. If what you want is to end it with her, end it. Apologizing for the cheating behavior and telling her you will try not to ever cheat again in your agreements makes it up enough. You don't have to go making new agreements with her.

Quote:
I had told my partner about that and she said thats fine because doesn't expect herself to be able to handle all that from me. I said it shouldn't be like that and I kind of said I'd want all that to be with her as opposed to going to (conference girl).
To me that is a reason to end it with someone. End it with regrets because you wish they fit, but they don't fit. Not a match.

This doesn't sound like you and GF are deeply compatible to me. On top of --- you may not be compatible because she wants (monoamorous + monogamous) and you want poly. She's not sure she is (monoamorous and poly friendly) and she's not sure she wants to continue post cheating.

And if YOU don't really want to be with her rebuilding a new thing there because you feel more excited about being with Crush?
And you are telling yourself that you are afraid to be stuck in something you don't want? And you might make it easier for her to decide if you just bow out?

Why put energy there?

Don't replace the old "meh" thing with the GF by entering a NEW "meh" thing with the GF. That's cheating BOTH of you out of seeking and having a joyful thing next. Who wants to sign up for meh?

Own it, be decisive and just end it. Don't pussyfoot around with it driving yourself crazy. Again... be the captain of your own ship. Not this leaf blown about by the wind person.

If anything, it's a time to be decisive and clear cut so you minimize not just new hurts, but bring old hurts to an end point. Don't drag them out because you feel guilty or something.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2016 at 05:06 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-23-2016, 04:58 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Making a plan is a great idea....

As for dropping crush, I don't want that because she isn't just a crush. She also happens to be a close friend of mine and a great support and life resource.

The only reason it may seem that I have more of the hots and feelings for crush is because her and I already have a connection while the GF and I haven't explored much and her primary focus has been the good times we have.
It's been hard to try and open that connection between us but that's something we can discuss ourselves and might be tangent to this conversation.

As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating? continuing conversation for someone I have feelings for. I can certainly stop myself from acting on it in the future now that I know to expect it. I don't see physical touch as being the only form of intimate connection.
I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate.
This is new to me so I am just making sure that things wont get weird in the future.

as for the selfless thing....hmmm you are good at this. that's something I have to fix about myself and this may not be the place for that but working on myself seems a lot easier. I love the way you put it though. Self-full.


Thank you for all your help though....especially because you certainly have no real obligation to do this! I have learned so much.
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  #16  
Old 01-23-2016, 05:04 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saphiredark View Post
Making a plan is a great idea....

As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating? continuing conversation for someone I have feelings for. I can certainly stop myself from acting on it in the future now that I know to expect it. I don't see physical touch as being the only form of intimate connection.
I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate.

Whether it's cheating or not depends on your agreements with your GF. Have that conversation, and be specific. Never assume, so outright ask her what she expects, wants, what she considers "cheating," etc. Tell her your feelings on this, including what you consider "intimacy," both physical and emotional. Perhaps you are simply not compatible, or perhaps you are and there is compromise that can be reached.
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Bi Female in VA with a passion for outdoor adventure, cooking, reading, health and fitness, and adventure!

Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
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  #17  
Old 01-23-2016, 05:10 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
Whether it's cheating or not depends on your agreements with your GF. Have that conversation, and be specific. Never assume, so outright ask her what she expects, wants, what she considers "cheating," etc. Tell her your feelings on this, including what you consider "intimacy," both physical and emotional. Perhaps you are simply not compatible, or perhaps you are and there is compromise that can be reached.
YES! this is great. I'll bring it up!
-thank you.

I wish I had realized how powerful the use of resources was in dating. Something I will certainly make use of for future issues and thoughts. It's funny because my lesson last year was learning that it was ok to accept help from others.


Last edited by Saphiredark; 01-23-2016 at 05:12 PM. Reason: adding words
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  #18  
Old 01-23-2016, 05:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I agree with GreenAcres. Do NOT assume. Ever.

Calibrate what each of you means. Communicate and work on those listening skills.
  • "Ok. Let me repeat back what you said so I know I got it right..."
  • "Wait. When you say X, do you mean...?"


Quote:
As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating?
If you are in a mono relationship that calls that cheating? Then yes. It is cheating. I would suggest you NOT get into relationships like that if you don't call it cheating yourself.

If you are in a mono relationship that does not call that cheating? Then no. It is not cheating.

YOU decide what counts for you, and YOU seek a partner that is compatible with your beliefs. That's why it is important BEFORE you make any agreements, to understand and know what it is your are agreeing to. It's deep conversation, not a lightweight toss like

Person A: "Ok, so no cheating."
Person B: "Swell! No cheating."

And then later come to find that what person A believes is cheating is NOT THE SAME as person B. And mess happens because they didn't take the time to calibrate what they meant by the word "cheating." Both assumed the other person just believed the same as them.

I think for some people, a partner expressing something like "Look at that guy/girl by the popcorn machine. They are cute!" or "I am getting a crush on my grocery cashier. It's fun!" rattles their cage because they believe "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn’t have eyes for anyone but me."

Where I love my spouse very much, I am also human -- I'm going to admire beauty out in the world and it doesn't mean I want to jump their bones. I crush all the time. DH is usually amused. Where we place our agreement is "Talk to me first before pursuing." That is an agreement I can keep.

I cannot keep an agreement placed at "Have no feelings for people" -- I do not find that rational or reasonable for me. So if he suggested an agreement like THAT I would have to say "No. I cannot agree to that. I can do X instead."

And if that's a hard limit deal breaker for him, then we would have to break up. Not deeply compatible. Why drive each other crazy?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...-relationships

might be worth reading.

Quote:
I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate. This is new to me so I am just making sure that things wont get weird in the future.
To me it sounds like you are trying to sort out what you believe about love and relationships and better define them for yourself first.

Quote:
The only reason it may seem that I have more of the hots and feelings for crush is because her and I already have a connection while the GF and I haven't explored much and her primary focus has been the good times we have.
I am confused. Explored much WHAT?

Do you mean something like...
"The primary focus in the (me + GF) relationship has been getting together for good times. We have not spent much time getting to know each other deeply."
If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?

I think you could work on being more self full. If you are trying to be "selfless" and do whatever the other guy wants, so they will like you, you end up short changing yourself or getting into things that later you struggle with.

I encourage you to keep sorting all this out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2016 at 11:15 PM.
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  #19  
Old 01-23-2016, 06:35 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I agree with GreenAcres. Do NOT assume. Ever.

Calibrate what each of you means. Communicate and work on those listening skills.
  • "Ok. Let me repeat back what you said so I know I got it right..."
  • "Wait. When you say X, do you mean...?"




If you are in a mono relationship that calls that cheating? Then yes. It is cheating. I would suggest you NOT get into relationships like that if you don't call it cheating yourself.

If you are in a mono relationship that does not call that cheating? Then no. It is not cheating.

YOU decide what counts for you, and YOU seek a partner that is compatible with your beliefs. That's why it is important BEFORE you make an agreements, to understand and know what it is your are agreeing to. It's deep conversation, not a lightweight toss like

Person A: "Ok, so no cheating."
Person B: "Swell! No cheating."

And then later come to find that what person A believes is cheating is NOT THE SAME as person B. And mess happens because they didn't take the time to calibrate what they meant by the word "cheating." Both assumed the other person just believed the same as them.

I think for some people, a partner expressing something like "Look at that guy/girl by the popcorn machine. They are cute!" or "I am getting a crush on my grocery cashier. It's fun!" rattles their cage because they believe "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn’t have eyes for anyone but me."

Where I love my spouse very much, I am also human -- I'm going to admire beauty out in the world and it doesn't mean I want to jump their bones. I crush all the time. DH is usually amused. Where we place our agreement is "Talk to me first before pursuing." That is an agreement I can keep.

I cannot keep an agreement placed at "Have no feelings for people" -- I do not find that rational or reasonable for me. So if he suggested an agreement like THAT I would have to say "No. I cannot agree to that. I can do X instead."

And if that's a hard limit deal breaker for him, then we would have to break up. Not deeply compatible. Why drive each other crazy?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...-relationships

might be worth reading.



To me it sounds like you are trying to sort out what you believe about love and relationships and better define them for yourself first.



I am confused. Explored much WHAT?

Do you mean something like...
"The primary focus in the (me + GF) relationship has been getting together for good times. We have not spent much time getting to know each other deeply."
If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?

I think you could work on being more self full. If you are trying to be "selfless" and do whatever the other guy wants, so they will like you, you end up short changing yourself or getting into things that later you struggle with.

I encourage you to keep sorting all this out.

Galagirl

I have no idea how to quote only certain parts of what you have been writing like you did with me.

What you said on deal breaker is important and I am working on knowing myself enough in relationships to know what my terms of agreements would be but I am learning. thanks

Quote:
I am confused. Explored much WHAT?
we are always having conversations such as this one. Or how to foster our growth as healed people. How to overcome our past, how to build ourselves up and to love ourselves more and etc.
Why we make certain choices on things, how it benefits our growth and the list really goes on.

Quote:
If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?
Well because I thought you date someone in order to grow those connections and that they come soon enough. I thought that we would eventually know each other well enough. I thought because it has only been 2 months that there was still time?



I am writing the quote brackets out like html...no idea how it will look after I click on submit...hope it worked!

Last edited by Saphiredark; 01-23-2016 at 06:36 PM. Reason: lang change
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  #20  
Old 01-23-2016, 11:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I have no idea how to quote only certain parts of what you have been writing like you did with me.
Sounds like you figured it out.

You manually enclose the text with
(QUOTE)The sentence I am quoting (/QUOTE)
but change the parenthesis () to square brackets []

Quote:
we are always having conversations such as this one. Or how to foster our growth as healed people. How to overcome our past, how to build ourselves up and to love ourselves more and etc.
Why we make certain choices on things, how it benefits our growth and the list really goes on.
Who is WE? You and Crush? Or you and GF? You know who and what you are talking about, but as a stranger looking from the outside in, it's hard to keep up. Sorry.

Are you saying... you have those kinds of conversations with Crush. And you want to have them with GF now?

Quote:
Well because I thought you date someone in order to grow those connections and that they come soon enough. I thought that we would eventually know each other well enough. I thought because it has only been 2 months that there was still time?
That just goes to show how calibrating matters.

To me? Someone I dated for 2 months? I would not call them my "BF" or "GF." It isn't someone who is a regular/frequent companion to me for a significant amount of time yet. That would be too soon to me. I would not be making any agreements to Close and not date anyone else at that point in time either. That would REALLY be jumping the gun to me.

Everyone is different.

Now that you know you don't want monogamy and you want poly instead? I suggest you don't agree to enter a new Closed Monogamous thing.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-24-2016 at 02:34 AM.
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