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  #1  
Old 01-21-2016, 10:31 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Exclamation Identity crisis and hurt emotions

hey everyone,

I am so awkward a this but nobody knows who I am so it is ok.

I met this girl fall 2014 at some conference in my city and something just kept making me stare at her to the point where I'd just look down because everytime I looked up, my eyes would look for her. We'd make eye contact several times. we ended up exchanging facebook info nothing happened and the conference was over, the END?
fast forward to the summer, I was at another conference and she happn to be there because it was in her hometown, I had no idea! I hadn't seen her since. we spoke from time to time in between and had some cool conversations but nothing serious. she found me at the conference for a few minutes we danced at the party then she told me she was leaving with her partner. I was like OH! ok...left it at that and figured I'd rarely hear from her again.
FAST FORWARD...OCTOBER

she happen to come to my state because of some family emergency and reached out to me wanting to hang out since she is never here and doesn't know much folk here. I said hmmm ok I don't mind hanging out plantonically with someone for the evening. BUT....we went out dancing which was ok...she basically watched me for the night and we danced a couple times and we went back to my apartment since it was easier for her to catch her bus back that way.

WE STAYED UP talking all night!! about EVERYTHING! we connected and we just started telling each other things and having conversations that shocked the both of us. it was like we were the same people....we had similar experiences with everything! it was like speaking to myself. It was and still is very cool! we even think the same way.


FAST FORWARD to December.

we had been talking heavily in between and to no limits either and things started getting deep and I joked saying you must be POLY since I don't see you setting limits on how close we get...she said yea but she wants to remain platonic because of various reasons and I said ok no probs so I put myself back on the market and started a monogamous relationship with someone.
I was travelling and told her I'd make a pit stop to see her in NY if she wanted and she said yea and I could stay a couple nights so we could hang out. I said cool! so to make a long story short....we ended up clicking and talking about everything under the sun and had sex multiple times and it felt like nothing before for the either of us.

She had spoken to her partner about it and he is cool about it granted the relationship type and he is just invested as to how it contributed to her growth...we both said never again.
TILL this past week where I went down again for work and I stayed longer and we couldn't keep our hands and bodies off each other. NOW feelings are involved. MIND YOU....I still have my GF. :-/

she is terrified because she is madly in love with her partner and she feels the potential of us interfering with that since I live closer than he does who lives back in her hometown a thousand miles away. Talking to her is amazing and connecting with her is like floating in space with a companion as you comment on the stars and universe all around us.
I don't get that with my current partner...even though she is a wonderful person, she is funny, and we always have a good time.

I have always considered a poly relationship since I could never seem to keep the same person for longer than a month and I connect with so many people.
SO LOONG!!! SORRY! please help :-/
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  #2  
Old 01-21-2016, 11:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you feel better for the vent. But I'm not sure what help you are asking for though. Let me try to sum up. You correct me if I am wrong, ok?
  • In a nutshell, you had a crush person. She's poly and has another BF. She wanted to keep it platonic with you.
  • You started a monogamous relationship with your present GF.
  • You met up with the crush woman a few times and cheated on present GF.
  • At this point in time, your GF remains in the dark about all that.
  • Crush's BF is fine with you and Crush dating.
  • Crush is nervous about dating both her established LDR BF and more local You. She fears that because you are closer in geography, that will mess things up with her LDR.
  • You want to try poly. (With which people in the mix?)

At this point in time, you would like help to do _____?

What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-21-2016 at 11:54 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-22-2016, 02:08 AM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Wow you are really good at this thank you!

So crush woman and I made and still are really great friends, so I feel like its more than a crush and she does as well...which presents a problem as to why its complicated.
I've never entered into a mono relationship like gf/bf. Simply because I always found it weird to me to limit myself to talking to one person with no limits. I personally feel like we should have freedom to love one another and care for another. People don't all agree...that's ok.

But with this being my first, I messed up from the bat. I didn't expect crush woman to like me so I thought I was safe from anything.

As for current GF, I plan on telling her but only after crush and I figure out what's happening (today/tomorrow). I really like crush woman, and I'd like to keep her in my life but I think after I tell GF she wouldn't be ok with that.....I think she'd make me do ultimatum.

I don't want my cake and to eat it too....I don't care for physicality and sex. I just love the both of them. (Not in love....at least I am not sure about the crush).


Both crush and I are afraid. And trying to figure stuff out especially as to how and why our feelings towards one another is that strong
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2016, 02:12 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Cheating is not cool, at all.

Before you even think about seeing this woman again, you owe it to your partner to either break-up or have a talk about polyamory. Until you do that, there's no point contemplating dating conference woman.

It's not fair to your partner to keep her in the dark while you contemplate a new relationship, ready to throw her away like an old shoe. She's a person, not a place-holder. Have some decency.

If conference woman really is poly, there's no reason a relationship with you should interfere with her relationship with her other partner. It's just a question of time management. If, however, she's just into swinging and can only love one person at a time, then there's nothing for you to think about. It's up to her to choose.
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  #5  
Old 01-22-2016, 03:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Both crush and I are afraid. And trying to figure stuff out especially as to how and why our feelings towards one another is that strong
Afraid of what? That cheating behavior comes with a price tag?

I would guess that the feelings are strong because it is an adrenalin rush from several directions at once.
  • a) it is a new crush
  • b) from the recent new sex
  • c) there's the cheating excitement/stress of "will we get caught or not?" stuff.

But "feelings" is not the problem here. The problem is that you made agreements with GF that you broke. So sort that out FIRST, then sort out the Crush woman. Not the other way around.

Long story short? I think you may be looking at a breaking up with your GF.
  • She might not want poly since she asked for monogamous agreements with you to begin with.
    • That points to "not compatible" if you want to poly.
    • You could end it now and set you both free.
    • Why agree to things you do not want and cannot follow through on? Don't agree next time. "Say 'No. I cannot promise you exclusive. I want to date more than one person."
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at mono" may be "Lose the Crush woman." That's just is what it is, dude. A 1:1 model means you and GF, not any other people in there. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at poly" may be "Lose Crush woman." Even if GF decides she does want to try poly, she is not likely to want it with your prior cheating affair partner in the new poly network. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.

    In case in helps, if you plan to stay with the GF in whatever relationship shape: http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Quote:
Talking to her is amazing and connecting with her is like floating in space with a companion as you comment on the stars and universe all around us. I don't get that with my current partner...even though she is a wonderful person, she is funny, and we always have a good time.
Sounds like Crush Woman floats your boat more than GF does. Since you don't really want monogamy? It seems kinder and more loving behavior to me to break up with GF and set her free. Sort that out FIRST. Do not keep her around like some kind of back up plan if Crush Woman decides it is not a runner. YOU are in charge of your choices and how you practice your ethics, not Crush woman.

Sort out GF and THEN deal with Crush woman. Present yourself as actually available to date. And give it some thought before you extend the offer to date Crush.
  • Does it bother you that she was willing to cheat with you?
  • How much do you trust her not to break new poly agreements with you? It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."
  • She runs hot/cold/hot/cold -- what's with the mixed messages?

Don't get so lost in new crush/new sex feelings and a sense of "urgency" or "anxiety" or "drama" that you lose sight of what is important: There's no actual fire here.
  • You could take your time.
  • You could fly truer to your values in your behavior so you aren't feeling yucky any more with identity crisis/hurt emotions.
  • You could assess this Crush as a potential partner with a more discerning eye.

You are worth dating properly -- not like some conference throw away swag.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2016 at 04:05 AM.
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  #6  
Old 01-22-2016, 03:34 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
TILL this past week where I went down again for work and I stayed longer and we couldn't keep our hands and bodies off each other. NOW feelings are involved. MIND YOU....I still have my GF. :-/
versus
Quote:
I don't want my cake and to eat it too....I don't care for physicality and sex. I just love the both of them.
I think you are lying to yourself about being able to see this woman platonically and not cheating/breaking agreements. Sex happened twice although you both "didn't want to". Admit it, either your going to sleep with her or you cannot see her at all.
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  #7  
Old 01-22-2016, 12:53 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Thanks y'all.

I decided to have a conversation with the GF tonight when I see her. Haven't seen her in a week. I am not afraid anymore....I made a decision because I wasn't true to myself and got someone hurt in the process. I tried to ignore my own issues, fears and insecurities and they manifested to the point where the other party got hurt.

At this point it is not even about choosing between the two. It is about setting things right and making sure I come out learning from this experience.

The truth is that I don't know how to be in anything serious and longer than a few months and that it scares me to try. I'm afraid that I'd get stuck after years. That one day feelings would dissolve and I'd have to still stick around. It all ties to my past of never having anything that resembles compassion and it may sound like an excuse but I feel that its just the saying in frutiton that hurt people hurt people.

I'm going to let her know my fears and insecurities. If she's willing to work with me then that would be great, I'd gladly take that. But I don't expect her too at all.

You can't fix something unless you know its an issue. This is something where if I pursue someone else in the near future I'd need to present my fears and inscurities right off the table....I wasn't true to myself. And my intentions were selfish.


Thank you everyone, this why I have faith in the human race at times. We can truly work together to solve anything.
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  #8  
Old 01-22-2016, 01:52 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saphiredark View Post
I decided to have a conversation with the GF tonight when I see her.
...
I'm going to let her know my fears and insecurities. If she's willing to work with me then that would be great, I'd gladly take that. But I don't expect her too at all.
Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?
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  #9  
Old 01-22-2016, 02:01 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?
I kinda thought that was obvious. I'm sure everyone else on here would've have thought as much seeing as I gave praise to a reply that I suggest that I tell her what happened.
I apologize if I seem defensive but your comment came off pretty condensending and facetious.
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  #10  
Old 01-22-2016, 02:05 PM
Saphiredark Saphiredark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Afraid of what? That cheating behavior comes with a price tag?

I would guess that the feelings are strong because it is an adrenalin rush from several directions at once.
  • a) it is a new crush
  • b) from the recent new sex
  • c) there's the cheating excitement/stress of "will we get caught or not?" stuff.

But "feelings" is not the problem here. The problem is that you made agreements with GF that you broke. So sort that out FIRST, then sort out the Crush woman. Not the other way around.

Long story short? I think you may be looking at a breaking up with your GF.
  • She might not want poly since she asked for monogamous agreements with you to begin with.
    • That points to "not compatible" if you want to poly.
    • You could end it now and set you both free.
    • Why agree to things you do not want and cannot follow through on? Don't agree next time. "Say 'No. I cannot promise you exclusive. I want to date more than one person."
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at mono" may be "Lose the Crush woman." That's just is what it is, dude. A 1:1 model means you and GF, not any other people in there. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at poly" may be "Lose Crush woman." Even if GF decides she does want to try poly, she is not likely to want it with your prior cheating affair partner in the new poly network. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.

    In case in helps, if you plan to stay with the GF in whatever relationship shape: http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/



Sounds like Crush Woman floats your boat more than GF does. Since you don't really want monogamy? It seems kinder and more loving behavior to me to break up with GF and set her free. Sort that out FIRST. Do not keep her around like some kind of back up plan if Crush Woman decides it is not a runner. YOU are in charge of your choices and how you practice your ethics, not Crush woman.

Sort out GF and THEN deal with Crush woman. Present yourself as actually available to date. And give it some thought before you extend the offer to date Crush.
  • Does it bother you that she was willing to cheat with you?
  • How much do you trust her not to break new poly agreements with you? It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."
  • She runs hot/cold/hot/cold -- what's with the mixed messages?

Don't get so lost in new crush/new sex feelings and a sense of "urgency" or "anxiety" or "drama" that you lose sight of what is important: There's no actual fire here.
  • You could take your time.
  • You could fly truer to your values in your behavior so you aren't feeling yucky any more with identity crisis/hurt emotions.
  • You could assess this Crush as a potential partner with a more discerning eye.

You are worth dating properly -- not like some conference throw away swag.

Galagirl

Thank you. Helped a lot.
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