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  #21  
Old 09-06-2015, 05:06 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Dagferi: Thank you. Hopefully I haven't offended you by my assumptions.
I read the beginning and the and of your blog. Seems like had you asked for advice about some problems two years ago, people might have also told you to divorce. I am glad it worked out


I spent some time thinking about what I actually need and writing the pro's and cons of 50-50 timesplit (not very likely to get that, but at least I want to know if I would be up for it myself), stepping back to a causual/undefined relationship (might be enough to renegotiate some of the DS agreements then), and an abrupt ending. The last still might make most sense in the long term, but I don't want to make a one-sided decision because I am afraid of discussion, not this time. Besides, I have an interview for a job in a city 3 hours away on tuesday, and if I get it, it will change a lot anyway, so I'll wait for the results (hopefully within days, at worst till the end of month).
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  #22  
Old 09-06-2015, 05:59 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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The problems in my marriage stemmed from Butch's BDSM needs and his not respecting my feelings on the subject. I am very vanilla and BDSM icks me out immensely. He has known this since we were dating. I actually broke up with him at that time over the subject. He said he could live without it and we moved forward but unfortunately that subject reared its ugly head with a vengeance a few years ago.

But I have learned that that is his issue to deal with not mine. If he doesn't want to continue the relationship with me without it (he is free to have play or romantic partners out side our relationship) he knows where the door is.
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  #23  
Old 09-10-2015, 08:56 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Ok, I've more or less broken up. I wrote two loooong emails on monday, we saw each other then, I messed up not following on my words, apologized the next day and discussed it on the phone.

I told him I reject the direction we had and that I will no longer be his submissive, since it is tied with certain relationship expectations for me. We agreed to let go of partnership ideas, we agreed that I will no longer come to sleep over at his place, that I will see perspective partners without telling him and no longer ask for advice or protection.

We are both very upset of course, but actually my pain is perhaps less then last week (at the moment at least), and I think we managed not to hurt each other more than necessary, although it wasn't perfectly clean. Maybe we will be able to meet occasionally and keep some of the intimacy, I don't know yet. I hope we can make some ritual a of "returning the collar" as a clear dividing line, at the moment he was too hurt to grant me that.

Hopefully I will be fine, I am going to see friends on saturday, and already making plans as how to find someone who would be up for some shibari... well, I think I have to grieve first, but it's a nice thought just now.

Thank you all for your listening and imput, this forum is very special, I can see there are a lot of people comming for reassurance and they do get a kind word and a clear view here. A compliment to all regular contributors. You are great.
Sorry to Dagferi and other vanilla folks for providing some DS details
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  #24  
Old 09-10-2015, 09:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
We are both very upset of course, but actually my pain is perhaps less then last week (at the moment at least), and I think we managed not to hurt each other more than necessary,
No break up is "fun" but as far as break ups go, I think that is a pretty good outcome. That you guys tried to take it with grace and not get all mean or acting out at each other. Some feelings of grief are to be expected.

Glad to hear you are less pained today than you were last week.

Galagirl
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  #25  
Old 09-18-2015, 10:35 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Seems like I have been too optimistic. Of course it hurt like hell. And... no, in the end I didn't have the integrity to keep my distance. I still seem indecisive between the understanding that I should set myself free from the relationship as to have time and energy to look for what I really want in life, and the wish to keep mutual understanding and intimacy. He wishes to keep me near, begins to aknowledge that I might need a different form of relationship, but since he is poly, he has a hard time figuring why closeness between two people shoud interfere with finding a partner. Maybe my biggest wish is to increase distance as a joint decision and retaining mutual understanding and respect, since doing it one-sided feels like so much violence directed against his and mine feelings.
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  #26  
Old 09-18-2015, 01:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am not sure I understand that paragraph.

Are you saying you tried to break up but then you went back because it felt too yucky to break up with him when he doesn't want to break up? Even though you know that you need to break up because that's what is best for you right now?

Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2015 at 01:17 PM.
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  #27  
Old 09-18-2015, 07:06 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying you tried to break up but then you went back because it felt too yucky to break up with him when he doesn't want to break up?
Well, that's not the only reason, but yes. It probably just felt too yucky to break up, and the other person reaching out to me with affection doesn't make it any easier. We are both excellent at reminding each other how much light there is between the two of us, and although reason might say one thing, I don't seem able to really believe that closing away from that light is the only or best way...
(I guess that is the very same feeling which made me to try out polyamory in the first place, the one that says to wellcome love instead of living up to pre-defined norms.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Even though you know that you need to break up because that's what is best for you right now?
Galagirl
I managed to make clear a few things at least at this moment. I am not going to have any relationship to my metamour besides us meeting occasionally in our common circle of friends.
I communicated the idea that trying to entangle my life with them is a bad idea and not my direction.

Besides that I have so many doubts.
Does it follow, that it is best to break up? is "right now" right?
He sais we could focus more on opening up to others, so that I can find a partner. Is this possible?
Can I have any kind of relationship without falling back to concentrating on him solely? (Yes, this sounds (co)dependent. Perhaps it is, perhaps not, actually I think it would work if our life direction was campatible. I cannot change that by simply changing partners anyway.)

Please don't get me wrong. I see there are problems. I see there is love. I am looking for solutions acceptable for both, since I really don't want us to avoid or even resent each other. That would be such a shame after all we had and all we learnt.
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  #28  
Old 09-18-2015, 07:23 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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No matter how much you love him, it's far more important to love yourself. Sometimes that means making painful or difficult decisions so you can put yourself in the healthiest, most beneficial situation.

Sometimes closing off from one source of light is the only way to discover that there are others. And sometimes keeping that one source of light extinguishes the light in you.
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  #29  
Old 09-18-2015, 08:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for clarifying some.

Quote:
Besides that I have so many doubts.
Does it follow, that it is best to break up? is "right now" right?
He sais we could focus more on opening up to others, so that I can find a partner. Is this possible?
Can I have any kind of relationship without falling back to concentrating on him solely? (Yes, this sounds (co)dependent. Perhaps it is, perhaps not, actually I think it would work if our life direction was campatible. I cannot change that by simply changing partners anyway.)
I think those are all things you have to answer for yourself. As a stranger looking from the outside?

You have been agonizing for 2 weeks. You seem to want to stop agonozing. That requires you making a decision and sticking with it. To me feelings ensue after behavior. And if your behavior is sticking around in a thing that doesn't fit you any more... then of course you are going to feel ugh like you are stuck/trapped. it doesn't fit any more.

Quote:
Does it follow, that it is best to break up? is "right now" right?
If you wish to be free of agonizing feelings or doubts? Then I think yes. Because only a firm decision can release you.

Quote:
He says we could focus more on opening up to others, so that I can find a partner. Is this possible?
You know yourself and him better than I would.

I wonder if you BOTH are not bargaining -- knowing it has to end, but still trying to find a way to not.

Quote:
Can I have any kind of relationship without falling back to concentrating on him solely? (Yes, this sounds (co)dependent. Perhaps it is, perhaps not, actually I think it would work if our life direction was campatible. I cannot change that by simply changing partners anyway.)
So you are basically saying that your life direction is NOT compatible. And you worry you get codependent around him.

If so? Staying here is healthy for you...how?


Quote:
I am looking for solutions acceptable for both, since I really don't want us to avoid or even resent each other. That would be such a shame after all we had and all we learnt
I think you want to break up only if he says that you will both be pals as exes and still be close in future. Because you fear that may not happen, you aren't making your TODAY decisions. Paralysis.

I think you could decide what you need for your present day concerns and let the future take care of itself. He's either going to be ok being friends and exes or just be plain exes. Not friends. It's out of your hands.

You can tell him you would like to be friends, but his willingness for same is his choice, under his control. Not under yours.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2015 at 08:34 PM.
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  #30  
Old 09-19-2015, 02:44 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Sometimes taking a step back or breaking up might help you realize that there are things about the other person that you care about and really don't want to lose. If your break up turned into a renegotiation, minimizing the things that upset and hurt you and maximizing the things that are your light and make you happy, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying in the relationship. As long as you're willing to walk away if the renegotiated relationship isn't healthy either, I think you'll be fine.

But you should decide if that's something you really want. Right now, from the tone of your posts, it sounds like you're not really making decisions and just sort of lettings things happen to you. I'm always more anxious and concerned when stuff is happening to me than I am when I take the reins, make some decisions, and take responsibility for the direction my life is headed. All of that anxiety and lack of control is likely to make you constantly question your direction. I think you should take a few hours, days, whatever, to figure out what it is you really want, and then resolve to pursue it wholeheartedly for at least a few weeks before reexamining.
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