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  #11  
Old 09-04-2015, 09:48 PM
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Legion Legion is offline
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I understand this is very difficult for you and I think there's a lot of sound advice already. Here is another opinion:

There are no wrong decisions. Each one is just a different path. As I read about your situation and the following posts, I had several options pop into my head.

I. Stop defining this relationship. "Together" or "Break Up", these are words to describe a situation. Why mold your life to fit the words? Just live. Relax. Have another BDSM session if it is fulfilling. Have 10 or 100 more or 1,000. Take your time and breathe. Focus on all the aspects of your life, work, school, friends, exercise, play, learning and teaching.

II. You say you don't know if you can ever find this again. You won't. This is the only guy that is this specific guy. But there are literally millions of other people out there and they are all different, you won't find ANY of them again. But you can find some incredible connected situations, probability is that many of them have the potential to be even MORE intimate and wonderful than the one you are currently in.

These were just some thoughts and you can consider or act on them or disregard. From your description of the relationship with his other partner it sounds like moving in with them is a VERY bad idea. I would probably just continue because it sounds like you are very much in love and have a close connection. So you feel like it is going nowhere, but from what I gather you have nowhere else you are going at the moment anyway so why not waste some more time enjoying intimacy, growth and BDSM sessions until you have a really sure feeling that there is nothing more to offer you or you have another situation that appeals to you more? <-- I thought this was the basic monogamous philosophy, to be with the best partner you can find until you find a better one?
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  #12  
Old 09-05-2015, 12:51 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I. Stop defining this relationship. "Together" or "Break Up", these are words to describe a situation. Why mold your life to fit the words? Just live.
Thank you for your reply. Perhaps. I am thinking about how to do that. It is hard to find a different way of thinking.
I was trying not to worry about the future (which is hard) and just enjoy. And found out that the natural tendecy, for both of us, is "be together, get closer", which leads to stress if it cannot be fulfilled.
Also, Ds dynamics further interferes here, though I really enjoy it when we are together. It is hard to focus on doing the best for me (like searching for a partner or deciding without a bias about doing a phd abroad), disregarding that he wishes to have me close, while having a sense of being his. Not sure I can change this without blowing everything in the air (again, not being dom and sub goes against what we both wish from a relationship).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I thought this was the basic monogamous philosophy, to be with the best partner you can find until you find a better one?
It is not, at least I hope so Come on, though this is a very common situation, that is as disrespectful as comming across someone new and exciting in a poly situation, and just dumping your current partners. In the IDEAL monogamy you choose a partner and decide that you want to be with this person in "good and bad" and always search the way which is best for both of you together, alway looking for love, respect and common growth. Not that different from poly except for not accepting the risk and complications of seeing another person.
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  #13  
Old 09-05-2015, 02:11 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
It is hard to focus on doing the best for me (like searching for a partner or deciding without a bias about doing a phd abroad), disregarding that he wishes to have me close, while having a sense of being his.
Do you really want a relationship that does not do the best for you and denies the intellectual pursuits that call? BDSM or not, in a good relationship it is not "hard to focus on doing the best for me" because if anything but "the best for me" is going on, it is not a good relationship. Plenty of D/S oriented men would be encouraging you to pursue your PhD and I'm sure many of them live in the vicinity of that very school. You can pursue your educational dreams and enjoy a fulfilling relationship - it is up to you.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 09-05-2015 at 02:28 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-05-2015, 03:17 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Do you really want a relationship that does not do the best for you and denies the intellectual pursuits that call? BDSM or not, in a good relationship it is not "hard to focus on doing the best for me" because if anything but "the best for me" is going on, it is not a good relationship. Plenty of D/S oriented men would be encouraging you to pursue your PhD and I'm sure many of them live in the vicinity of that very school. You can pursue your educational dreams and enjoy a fulfilling relationship - it is up to you.
Ok, it is a red flag, and probably the best reason not to "waste some more time". Please don't interpret this too harsh on people absent from the discussion He was the first one to teach me how important it is to figure out what I want and put me first, and he keeps encouraging me in this way. Of course it is hard for him in areas where it goes against his own interest.
Hopefully I can tell, and hopefully he can take if I follow through now.

I must say I am astound by some of the answers I read here and also in other threads. I cannot name it exactly, but there are some differences in the standard ways of relating between people, and also the emphasis on personal independence and ambitions. I wonder if it is the poly-community, or the Europe/Amerika difference. I'll tell you if I know better...

Last edited by Tinwen; 09-05-2015 at 03:20 PM.
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  #15  
Old 09-05-2015, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
... there are some differences in the standard ways of relating between people, and also the emphasis on personal independence and ambitions. I wonder if it is the poly-community, or the Europe/Amerika difference.
Probably both. The bedrock of the USA is steadfast allegiance to individual freedom and the pursuit of happiness. Add to that, poly folks are by nature not people that go along to get along, but forge their own paths through life. I suppose it's eternally debatable whether individual happiness is a good guidance system, but I'll say that for me, I wouldn't want it any other way and am thrilled to be living where I do, how I do and at this time in history.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 09-05-2015 at 03:26 PM.
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  #16  
Old 09-05-2015, 03:33 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I would not attempt to move into her home. I would ask that he move in with you have the time instead. My friend's husband spends 4 days one week with his wife and 3 days with his girlfriend them 3 days with wife and 4 days with girlfriend the following week.
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  #17  
Old 09-05-2015, 08:31 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am happily married to two men.

I split my time 50/50 between separate homes I share with each man. This weekend I see Butch. Next week I will see Murf Monday Tuesday... Butch Wednesday Thursday... Friday until Sunday night Murf. Monday Tuesday Butch.. Wednesday Thursday Murf. Friday through Sunday Butch rinse and repeat.

You by no means have to share your space with her.
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  #18  
Old 09-05-2015, 09:10 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I am happily married to two men.

I split my time 50/50 between separate homes...
Encouraging to hear it works for someone.
But it sounds like quite a rigid schedule. Don't you want to see the one or another more at times? Aren't there a lot of events which tempt you to perhaps be at the other place? What if there is conflict with one of them? Do you always follow the schedule, because it gets "unfair" and triggers jealousy otherwise? How about friends?
And also, doesn't that feel like splitting yourself into two halves as well, two time-limited lives?
And the obligate, I assume you don't have kids, would they have a half time mother/father then?
A lot of personal questions, you don't need to answer, or perhaps if you already blogged about it somewhere I would like the link.
Thank you very much.
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  #19  
Old 09-05-2015, 09:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi. Dagferi does happen to be a mother, actually, and she does have a blog - here: Holy crap... I have two husbands... when did that happen.

Regarding independence and autonomy in love relationships, I am not sure it's a poly thing or US vs. Europe thing. I think it reflects the age we're in, where we are realizing more every day that the well-being of each individual is the only way a person can flourish in a relationship. We are no longer putting the relationship, as if it is an entity itself, first before an individual's needs - as in staying together no matter what. Nobody has to tolerate crappy treatment. People, both men and women alike, can walk away from a partner for being abusive, or even just lackluster, and be okay - where only a few decades ago, that was a much more difficult and devastating thing to do. And I think it also has to do with feminism and being willing to smash apart the destructive rules of patriarchy. The husband is no longer the boss.

So, yeah, we can ask for the things we want in relationships and walk away when we aren't getting them. Make our own rules instead of playing by ancient ones that do not serve people living in modern times. Polyamory could be said to be an outgrowth of that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-05-2015 at 09:46 PM.
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  #20  
Old 09-05-2015, 10:27 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Encouraging to hear it works for someone.
But it sounds like quite a rigid schedule. Don't you want to see the one or another more at times? Aren't there a lot of events which tempt you to perhaps be at the other place? What if there is conflict with one of them? Do you always follow the schedule, because it gets "unfair" and triggers jealousy otherwise? How about friends?
And also, doesn't that feel like splitting yourself into two halves as well, two time-limited lives?
And the obligate, I assume you don't have kids, would they have a half time mother/father then?
A lot of personal questions, you don't need to answer, or perhaps if you already blogged about it somewhere I would like the link.
Thank you very much.
The schedule works around Murf's work schedule mostly. He works 12 hour shifts with rotating days off. I am way beyond NRE with both men. When one gets on my nerves I go home to the other.

If someone is having a huge life event going on there is of course flexibility. This spring I went on a two week plus vacation to Vegas that included driving from Pennsylvania to Vegas with Murf.

There is no conflict between them ever. They only really see each other for Christmas Eve and kid events. Murf is really important to my children even though he is not their biological father. There is no jealousy what so ever they both act like grown ups and realize sometimes life happens.

I do not hide I am poly to anyone if they ask but I do not scream it from the rooftops. To my family, close friends, and the circle of friends I share with Butch I am out he hides nothing from no one. Murf's circle of friends I am known as his wife. There is no circle of friend overlap. If someone asks he brings up the poly thing if not he doesn't mention it. He is monogamous.

No why would it feel like I am living half a life. I am living a very full life. It is much easier being in each house a full day than trying to juggle both households in one day.

I have three children actually my oldest is 21. The two younger ones are 12 and 8. They go with me between the houses along with my Rottweiler (To give the other two dogs a break...lol) on weekends and holidays during the school year and more often in the summer. Sometimes they stay at home with Butch. God forbid a man actually step up and parent his own children. Men are just as capable as women. They enjoy their guy time with their dad without me around.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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