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  #1  
Old 09-03-2015, 07:09 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Default Struggling with monogamy/polyamory and jelousy

Hello,
please, I need some outside views on my situation, since I keep getting lost in it, and I am unable to really do anything about it.

I has been more then a year now, since I fell madly in love with a poly person. The beginning was very, very tough, since I had never come in touch with polyamory before (not that common in my country), so I fellt like I was doing wrong, and also I was in a monogamous relationship; so I tried to resist my longing for him and my urge to experiment with non-monogamy, but I failed, and after a lot of pain my primary relationship broke.

So I became a secondary (in terms of cohabitating and commitment, my partner never treats me as the second one) to a poly-mono couple. My metamour would rather be monogamous, but she is quite open, and at first she invited me to share intimacy with her husband (okay, they are not married, but that doesn't change much).
For me this arrangement was also fine in the moment, since I wanted to get more independent, try new things, and in short, I felt like I didn't want him home, since I felt he was great lover and dominate to me, but perhaps a little too difficult as a partner. (They both are, and their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.)

The thing is, after a year our relationship got better and better, and if it was just for him, I would love to find a way to cohabitate and be partners, despite the challenges.

Simultaneously, the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her. I know this is to a very big extent my problem, since I have had communication issues with her from the beginning (like even trusting myself to speak - she is 15 years older and quite resolute), and also I am the one who stopped being happy with what they can offer.

Let asside that I don't know if my metamour could ever accept this, I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad. That means sorting out that communication and jelousy problem, which has gotten big. Also I am not sure if I could live in the triade, since despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish (we had some fun threesomes with my partner and my female friends, but I haven't been really able to search for another partner). Also, it would probably mean accepting their pre-set life direction (including a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).

The other direction is leaving my partner. It sound logical, since I would like a primary partner and I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this. But it has given me so much in terms of love and intimacy, self-knowledge and acceptance, and general attitude towards life, and our connection in DS/intimacy/spirituality seems unique to me and still has potential for growth. I am not sure if I can ever find something like this again. Also, there is much emotional support of a kind hard to get elsewhere, and I am not sure how I could cope with a breakup (I had been very low previously).

So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?
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  #2  
Old 09-04-2015, 11:36 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Okey, I get it. There is nothing to say.

(Also, I misused the word triade. I rather ment a friendly shared household.)
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Old 09-04-2015, 12:23 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
My metamour would rather be monogamous.....their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.....the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her.

.....I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad.
Whether you want a triad or a household......WHY????
Believe people when they communicate to you - over and over and over.
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Old 09-04-2015, 12:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sometimes it can take a while to have a thread noticed. Thanks for bumping. I will respond now.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
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  #5  
Old 09-04-2015, 12:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I hear you are confused. You wanted to experiment with dating a poly man, but now you feel you want to be his, co-primary, perhaps.

It is possible to be co-primaries with someone without living with the person and their other primary. Several women here are doing it.

If you don't get along great with your metamour, his gf, you shouldn't seriously consider moving in with them. Have they even invited you? She might feel you are invading her turf.

Could your bf spend more time at your place? Some people travel and spend 3 days with one partner, 3 days with another partner, and one day seeing friends or doing things on their own.

A triad is a relationship where all 3 partners are involved, usually sexually, but at least deeply emotionally. What you have going now is a V.

Have you tried OK Cupid dating site? It's very very easy there for a woman to find dates, even if she has another partner already. Men don't seem to care. I'd recommend joining, to either find another bf, or to find a mono man who wants a mono woman, if you're really not sure you want to continue with the current arrangement.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #6  
Old 09-04-2015, 12:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are struggling with inner conflict.

Quote:
despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish
Sounds like you want to be with just him since you find you lean more toward mono. But he's poly. So there's you struggling to accept this.

The issue of wanting to live with him, but not the meta you do not get along with is a side issue to me. Because the basic incompatibility is the fact that you want him to yourself in a mono way, and he's poly. It's just not going to work out over the long run like that. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear.

Quote:
So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?
"Trapped" feelings mean the thing is not really working out. You experimented and found you lean toward mono. On top of that there is
  • You have found him difficult as a partner before
  • You don't get on with the meta
  • Being with them means accepting their life direction -- (a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).
  • You are happy with what they can offer.

NOT a match then.

How to choose direction? You choose to work to accept it is not compatible here. You focus on what you DO want.
  • I want to get independent from my parents
  • I would like a primary partner. I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this.

Line up your behavior to support this want. The blue part you could solve fastest.

First would be lining up some support for yourself -- friends, family, a counselor. Since you are worried about feeling low again. Then breaking it off -- you top being secondary in a polyship when you really want a mono thing. Even if you are not "out" to your friends and family, they can understand being sad about breaking up with someone you were dating. Tell them only that much and ask for comfort.
Take time to heal from the break up. Then date again to seek the mono partner you would like to be with who is ALSO mono. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better in the romance area of your life.

In the meanwhile, finish studies, seek employment, new place to live, etc -- all the little steps to achieve being financially independent.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2015 at 01:27 PM.
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  #7  
Old 09-04-2015, 03:49 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Thank you all for talking to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Whether you want a triad or a household......WHY????
Believe people when they communicate to you - over and over and over.
I tried to find out lately, and there were some indications that it would be negotiable, but I didn't like the power dynamics involved in that communication. You are right, there is no reason, except for me wishing to be able to be close to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Could your bf spend more time at your place? Some people travel and spend 3 days with one partner, 3 days with another partner, and one day seeing friends or doing things on their own.
...
Have you tried OK Cupid dating site?
I think I don't want that possibility long term.

OK Cupid not that popular in Europe, but I tried another dating site, and I usualy backed out of the communication if it looked promising. I realize this was mostly due to uncertainty what to do with my current relationship, but it is part of the reason why I think having multiple partners is not for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Because the basic incompatibility is the fact that you want him to yourself in a mono way, and he's poly. It's just not going to work out over the long run like that. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear.
That's fine, I have been there many times. Not sure it is accurate, I love his openness to love and connection, one of my issues with "simply" finding a mono relationship is I love this side of him (and polyamory). It is my own urge to be very close I struggle with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
"Trapped" feelings mean the thing is not really working out... You choose to work to accept it is not compatible here. You focus on what you DO want...
In the meanwhile, finish studies, seek employment, new place to live, etc -- all the little steps to achieve being financially independent.
Galagirl
Yes, thank you.


I think I have nearly decided. I knew I would have to break up some day (though I had hope to embrace polyamory myself). The conflict last week and them being abroad now perhaps gives me the right impulse. Just writing yesterdays post helped immensely. I cried a part of the night and I think I might be able to do it when they come back, that is if we don't find a wonder way how to transform the relationship -
I wonder if it is necessary to break it up from everything to zero, if I could perhaps go back to a more casual one (but probably that is just me making false hopes). Also, I would love one last bdsm session with him, but I am not sure if this is a good idea (from the emotional viewpoint, I don't fear my safety). Any experience on not-so-sudden breakups?
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  #8  
Old 09-04-2015, 05:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You have to sit with it and do what is best for you. Only you can answer that.

I like my break ups to be "clean cut" and not "foot draggy."

So I wouldn't go for changing it to a friends with benefits thing. I would not ask for one more BDSm scene. One last kiss -- ok. But not more because I don't want to be lingering or generating confusion in myself.

Emotionally I need it to be "friends only" as soon as possible. So I am not tempted to slide back in to an arrangement that I know just isn't the fit for me.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. If I want to detach, doing "attached" kinds of behaviors is working at cross purposes. I rather be firm and resolute than be working against my own self.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2015 at 05:05 PM.
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  #9  
Old 09-04-2015, 07:08 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Oh my god. He just called from abroad, we had a very short phone call. I cannot pretend, so enough for me to start crying, and cosequently enough to tell him vaguelly that things were not alright without a future outlook. He said yes, I agree, lets make some, and we said we would talk when he commes back.
It totally got me shaking, it hurts so much. There was so much tenderness even in those few words, when he was telling me that he wanted to hear of me and that they are comming back on monday. I am still in love.

What if it's just running away from obstacles. Not being able to commit, just as I couldn't in my monogamous relationship. The two/three of us cannot sit down and communicate clearly? Really? I don't want a their house because I am used to live in the city and I don't want to do the work? Really? Jelousy can be handled, we have done this for a year. Should these be dealbreakers to a relationship I wanted to work on? I might have just a many in a monogamous one, right?

Sorry for spaming you with emotional outbreaks, couldn't help writing. But II'l post it, maybe it's right, it was a little one-sided.
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  #10  
Old 09-04-2015, 09:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are stressed.

FWIW, to me it is enough to be a deal breaker. If you are a city person, country living is too much of a change. That is not running away from obstacles. That is sticking to the lifestyle you do want.

Galagirl
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communication, couple privilege, decision-making, envy, hierarchy, jealousy, new to polyamory, secondary feelings

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