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Old 02-27-2019, 12:09 AM
Magenta11 Magenta11 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1
Question Please, please, come out

Itís taken me until now, age 31 to fully comprehend the importance and need for a great big showy party of pride dedicated to various sexual orientations and gender identities. I never thought I would be in a relationship that was double fringe. Being attracted to women was one thing, but entering a relationship with a pre-existing couple is new nuance of challenges and societal judgements. I fell in love with my boss Emma, who was already in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, Tom. We all ended up having feelings for each other and embarking on a three-way togetherness. Like most two people relationships, the sex was more frequent and exciting at the beginning. But after a year or so it turns domestic, who feeds the cats, who washes the dishes, boring life stuff. The question we get asked the most is about jealousy. Yes, there is jealousy but we just deal with it like any other relationship issue. I am a decade younger than my couple. I can never have the closeness and history of Emma and Tom. Emma canít have the newness and novelty of a younger, newer person in the relationship. There are pros and cons and Iím still figuring out which column wins. On the plus side, I get a boyfriend and a girlfriend! How cool is that? Some are envious that I can find not only one but two people to love. The shit part is secrecy. It was Tomís mums 80th birthday party in Melbourne in January. I wasnít invited because I am a secret. I stayed home while Emma and Tom went and shared a momentous family occasion. I know how hard it is dating someone in the closet to not be invited to the important family gatherings, but imagine then your partner taking someone else as their partner. Itís a double kick in the guts. When Tom got home, he expressed views that he never before that has shook me and Iím still vibrating. At the beginning, he said he was building up to tell his mum, always referring to us as ďthe girlsĒ and mentioning both Emma and I whenever they spoke. But now back from Melbourne, in the kitchen, he tells me that not only is it devastating enough that heís not having kids, but to admit to having an extra girlfriend would destroy her! This was a shock to me. She isnít religious, she is educated and non-homophobic. My own boyfriend thinks of our relationship as an embarrassing abomination. He is worried of the terrible burden his mother will carry, and having to lie to his siblings, and what if his siblings donít want to tell their kids? And what about his career? And what about if Iím just being chronically unhappy and that if he tells his mum Iíll still be unhappy and just unpleasable always wanting more? Iím being made to feel guilty about having to live a life of non-truth. Do you know what that does to a person? Closeting yourself is closeting the person youíre with and thatís a responsibility that you have to live with and admit to yourself. I donít think itís being unreasonable to hope for your partner to come out to their parents after three years? Mardi Gras is coming up and I canít even feel proud because the people who Iím with are ashamed. We all go to the same bloody gym. Emma and Tom have the same fucking personal trainer and Tom has to evade questions about where he lives and who he dates. Itís absolutely ludicrous. A PT who has nothing to do with their parents or jobs. They say itís because he is too ďnormalĒ. Isnít there a sense of not just social responsibility but responsibility to the wellbeing of your own girlfriend to try and make the world a little more understanding? If you canít tell your personal trainer your relationship status, how will you tell anyone of personal importance in your life? Iím really angry inside, and sad. How can I be proud of myself and my relationship when they arnt? Every time you come out to someone, you make the world a little more understanding and aware and truthful and normalize your environment to be diverse and free. There is always something stuck in my throat, always having to double think before I speak, double guess what Iím going to say. Itís suffocating.
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Old 02-27-2019, 02:51 AM
fay2984 fay2984 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 5
Default I know the struggle

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a husband and wife couple for almost two years and I have experienced what you are going through. We all agree that we do not exactly want to make our relationship public, mainly because they have a son. However, we often have the discussion about telling our families. My mom knows about it, she has always been very open minded and supportive. Iím also pretty sure the rest of my family are aware there is something going on between the three of us but again just care that I am happy and treated wel. J, my boyfriend, is hesitant to tell his family, although his mother has started asking questions and putting pieces together. H, my girlfriend however is addament about not telling anyone and thinks no one would understand. It can get very frustrating but J and I see how far H has come in the time we have been together and just continue to support her as she figured things out.

I also understand how hard it is to be the secret third in the relationship. As much as they tell you, you are an equal or not the side chick, the reality is that when events come up, sheís the wife that gets to and is expected to go while I can only sit alone at home. We havenít found a way around this but try to deal with each situation as it comes up.

If you would ever like to chat feel free to pm me!
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:10 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 395

I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that I can hear how much you're hurting in this piece of writing.

It's always been very important to me to be out as much as possible, because I don't think it's fair to treat new partners like that. I am out as much as possible- all my friends and family know that I have two partners, and so does my 9 year old son (although we discussed family privacy with him). I don't think it's fair to expect someone to live their life in the closet.

Did you negotiate anything about this when you all started dating?
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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Old 02-27-2019, 10:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 17,174

Hello Magenta11,

I feel bad for you, that your partners are being so inconsiderate toward you, in not being willing to show you to the world, and let you go with them to family gatherings and the like. I live with a married couple, and they are not open about me being a co-partner to the wife, but at least they don't leave me out when they go places, I am presented as a close chosen family member to them. Which helps, but I still wish we could be out to everybody. Your situation is definitely more painful, I feel bad for you, I hope Emma and Tom will come around and let you be a partner they are proud of. I am not sure how you could convince them to do that, the most you could do is express to them that it hurts you to have to be their dirty little secret.

If there's any way we can help you on this forum let us know.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 02-27-2019, 11:45 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,059

I am sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine what it must be like. I'm pretty sure I would not like it one bit.

I've never been "in your face" out, but I've never hid anything either.

I do think it's important in this situation to separate how they feel about you with how they think other people will feel about it. Some people really struggle with trying to please their family members. However, I feel there comes a time when an adult must stand up for their own lives.
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Old 03-01-2019, 12:30 AM
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kittyxuchiha11 kittyxuchiha11 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 23

Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I do think it's important in this situation to separate how they feel about you with how they think other people will feel about it. Some people really struggle with trying to please their family members. However, I feel there comes a time when an adult must stand up for their own lives.
I completely agree with this!

I've been in my triad for nearly 3 months now and in that time I've already told my mum and she's met both of my partners. My mum is very open minded and only thing she really had to say about it is she's known people try to do this and just to be careful I don't get too hurt, which really was just her looking out for me.

Neither Ash or Josie have told their family about us, but both for different reasons. Ash isn't that close to her family and has a lot of issues with them honestly so it isn't something she feels a real need to tell them. The way she said it to me at least is she'll tell them immediately but it isn't that important as they're not incredibly involved in her life.

Josie on the other hand has a very involved family who she is incredibly close to. She hasn't told them yet, but the same as Ash it isn't because she's scared too, she's just unsure that they'll 'get it' or so she says anyway. I feel she's definitely a bit worried that her family will think she's weird and her family thinking badly of her would break her heart honestly. She also made it very very clear that she wants both of us at her family gatherings. So, since her next major family gathering is in September she has until then to psyche herself up.

I made it very clear to both of them i don't want to pressure either of them to tell family any time soon, I only told my mum and I knew she would be okay about it, and my mum is more like a friend than a parent, she always has been. I understand that it isn't possible for some people to be completely out, but honestly i think it isn't fair to keep someone a secret like that, especially after being together for so many years.
Who knew in a world so big, I'd find you both

My girls <3

Kitty (Me) - 22yrs, female, queer af
Josie - 24yrs, female, bi af
Ash - 23yrs, female, gay af

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