Raven's Cleverly Titled Blog

The Professor

The Professor

Here’s a tale of detachment, communication, and poly success. Gather ‘round, there is also mention of blowjobs made herein.
After the implosion of the Triad of Doom and Despair I went a-looking for a casual partner to see occasionally. I got onto OKC with the hopes of finding someone to distract from the nightmare in my heart, and from schoolwork as well. I approached an interesting character, a married fellow whose wife also had a profile. He agreed to meet me!

The Professor worked in the building across the street from my own faculty; it was very convenient. I met his wife on our second meeting, which was awkward because all three of us have talents for creating awkwardness. But it was not a dealbreaker, this awkwardness, and soon enough the Professor and I were seeing each other on Wednesday evenings. We’d have dinner out or he’d cook for me, we’d play a card game or watch a bit of opera (our two activities in common). And we’d sleep together. Often I slept over at his place but sometimes we met during the day for lunch and bjs. His wife had a serious partner with whom she spent Wednesdays and some weekend evenings, which is how he had time for a partner like myself.

From the beginning I knew his rule that there would be no emotional connections made, or rather, he didn’t want to get romantically involved. The guy is seriously in love with his wife and probably not emotionally poly. When I found out that her SO is a romantic partner, I was surprised, but their dynamic really worked for them. And me! The Professor was a fun distraction, and although he was pretty bad in bed, I found it amusing to blow him. He was intimidatingly intelligent, and his wife was too, so being around them challenged me to think critically. She was a professor as well. They propositioned me for a threesome once but it—the proposition—was too awkward and I declined.

It was good to have a detached sexual friendship with a regular schedule. It was a definitive sign that poly can work in marriages, and that I can do poly honestly and openly and with integrity. I also confirmed to myself that I like poly and what it can do for me: I can make the kind of relationship I need for myself. I needed someone to take me out of my head and encourage me to be myself and I actualized that shit. Success!

Mistakes: 0. Sweet!
 
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Professor Follow-up

We have kept (loosely) in touch, texting here and again. He says he's a bit bored out there; the dating scene hasn't yet turned up what he wants/needs. That is to say, someone to fill my detached, cool-with-causal-sex shoes. We were a good fit for each other. But if we still lived in the same city I don't know that I'd continue seeing him. Towards the end of my tenure over there on the coast I was starting to feel the desire for an emotional connection. I was starting to feel a little unfulfilled. So at the least I would have had to look for another partner.

Haha I'm imagining having James and the Professor as partners at the same time. It would totally work, time-wise! But sex-wise...that would be two partners who are relatively unskilled and with whom I'd have to work on sex improvement. Sounds like too much work for a lazy girl.

Holy cow first world poly problems.
 
Multitude of Posts

I pre-wrote a lot of posts because I was trying to get stuff off my chest. Plus I've had time at work to do so, being away from my normal office for a month. But I'm going back on Monday and I'll have a bunch of catch-up to do. I don't know that I'll have as much time anymore to be reading and writing on the forums, which is why I'm posting lots today!

James has been texting me today to send me text kisses and also vent a bit about the ex. She is really smart and educated, but some things seem beyond logic for her. For example, she's an early child educator but thinks it's okay to tell the three-year-old that his daddy is a bad daddy. Not cool, eh? Poor James. This has been going on for a few weeks and he's pretty choked. To deal with it, James has been responding to Alex by saying "that's what mommy said? what do you think?" and Alex will go "I think you're a good daddy". Luckily the kid is so smart that he recognizes that some things mommy says are not true. Poor kid, to have to deal with that nonsense.

I helped James fill in the court forms to ask for a parenting order. It's neat to be able to help friends with my new practical legal knowledge! Also makes me really miss being in court. I'm so glad to be going back to my regular office because I get to go to court a few times a week! Hooray!

I think I think about James' problems more than my own. I do need to file my dang taxes but I prefer to help James with paperwork...might be a bit of procrastination happening there.

And speaking of procrastination, back to work I go!
 
Thanks for those new posts; I am following them with interest and rooting for you, Elemental, James, Alex, and the others on your team. :)

Re (from JaneQSmythe):
"Cinder is Elemental's ex."

Thanks Jane!
 
Some issues I've got

I’m not perfect, obviously, and I want to write about the issues I am having. I have short-term problems with day-to-day life, and long-term problems with bad behavioral habits.

I spend too much money on booze, and I drink too much. “Too much” means every day, usually more than one a day. It also means getting drunk usually once a week. Hangovers happen about every 6 weeks and I embarrass myself when drinking about once every 8 weeks. James is a user, too, and we are bad influences on each other in this way.

I do cause myself some anxiety because I don’t have a firm handle on my spending habits, although this is a zillion times better since I started making an income instead of living off of student loans.

I still procrastinate on occasion, although this habit was largely taken care of at school. When I procrastinate I feel guilty or anxious. This affects me once a month or so.

I have a bad body image. I feel quite anxious when I don’t exercise at least once a week. I try to eat well and am usually good at that. I always have a goal to work out three times a week. This body image thing is not helped by the fact that I can justify it because both of my parents are overweight, and because eating right and exercising is good. I need to learn to separate exercise and eating healthy from my body image. I feel fat all the time but I am not overweight even a little, and objectively am quite healthy (apart from the drinking). Elemental and Cinder being so fit and calling me on my (healthy amount) of tummy chub really set me back on my positive thinking.

I’m arrogant sometimes and judgmental. I’m getting slowly better but sometimes my friends have to call me on it. I make fun of strangers sometimes. It’s mean and I don’t like it. I sometimes have a hard time relating to people who seem to have opportunities to grow and changed their circumstances, but don’t. I forget that almost no one is as lucky as I am, having known my career path since age 12 and being confident in that and in my life choices. See? Even this paragraph is arrogant! Jeez…

I smoke sometimes still. I don’t want to quit!

I get bored with people and don’t put effort into engaging many people. Most times my friends approach me to hang. I’m kind of a selfish friend, not putting myself out there to hang with them. I’m making an effort to change but I tend to prioritize my own comfort maybe too much. I just want to do what I want to do and have my friends be there when I want them, but that’s not how friends work! Get with the program, Raven.

I want to be more engaged with the outside world and less engaged with screens. Too much screen time is a bad habit of mine. I spend an average two hours a day, outside of work, on my phone or watching tv on my netbook. Or lately, playing video games. That’s too much because I have other projects I want to do. I feel guilty or anxious because I am not working on my personal projects as much as I feel like I should, and am watching screens instead.

The problems I create in relationships usually—or maybe always?—stem from the judgmental thing, being impatient with partners’ failings and differences. James and I haven’t had arguments but I was frustrated with him a while back because I was impatient with how he was not being proactive about making positive change (in my limited perspective). I had to talk with him about it and he was so cool and patient with me, my negative feelings disappeared after that. But I do want to get rid of the source of those feelings: my judgmental thoughts and habits.

I think that’s about it. That took a bit of brain-wracking because I don’t obsess over this stuff. But I wanted it here to round out my blog a bit and also to get suggestions on how to improve!
 
It is good of you to confess whatever imperfections you're aware of. Heh, if I tried to do likewise, it'd take ten posts and be much more embarrassing!

My first thought is that it'd be good for you to pick one imperfection to work on during any given month. Set a goal for where you'd like to be with that imperfection by the end of the month, then, have at it. Make sure it's a goal you can realistically meet, and don't beat yourself up if you fall short at the end of the month. Pick a different imperfection to work on the next month and let the other one go for awhile. And make an effort to just work on one imperfection at a time! Trying to tackle them all at once will only drive you batty.

And make sure it's a real imperfection before you work on it. Some of the things you described are honestly (IMO) just personality traits and don't necessarily need changing. It's okay to be you! Like if you're a little introverted for example, that's no big deal, the world needs us introverts.

Those are some thoughts to get you started, I suppose.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, Raven. I'm enjoying your posts and (what I think is) your lightheartedness. At the same time, you seem pretty objective about yourself; seem pretty sure about what you like and don't care so much for, and you're cool putting it out there. Kudos :) It's good for me to read your stuff.

Peace :)
 
Thanks!

Thanks Kevin and BlackMagicBlonde!

My normal way of changing habits and behaviors is to try and work on them one at a time, so I'll keep doing that.

And thanks for the positive feedback guys, it's cool that people are reading this and not thinking I'm a total butthead. :)
 
Last night I put my new plan of increasing intimacy with James into action. I might not have, though, had he done the usual tucking in of just sitting on the edge of my bed for a few minutes and kissing me a thousand times before taking off. No, last night he got in for a cuddle so I had to take the opportunity to give him head. I was really tired but, like I knew it would be, it was worth it. I love to make him feel good. I consider our relationship like a vacation for him because his life situation is so damn shit so often. What is it for me? I guess it’s poly practice, a friendship that I hope will last, an exercise in non-commitment and selflessness. And fun, obviously.

James’ situation is bleak, as I’ve mentioned. He’s been separated for about 9 months. He was with his ex, Jace for about 10 years and married for 6. He stayed with her because of the kid, but when he came to the realization that the kid was being damaged by their fighting, he left. Their finances are ridiculous and he’s spent a lot of time trying to disentangle himself. Because of little surprises he keeps getting (Surprise! I got a bunch of speeding tickets in your van and didn’t tell you!) he hasn’t been able to move away from his parents’ place. This is a very lame thing but at least his parents are cool about it. They’re helping him save to move.

His job situation is also kinda sucky. He loves working at the library and teaching guitar to kids but neither pay enough or give enough hours. He wants to reset his career but can’t decide whether to go for something that will pay, or something that will make him happy. And if he takes the happy route, which of several potential careers should he start? He’s been thinking about it lots.

SIDEBAR--Watching my brother separate with a kid, and hearing about Elemental’s separation and divorce, and James’ situation all make me never want to legally commit to someone. Or have a kid. I know it’s sad, but right now I wouldn’t trust anyone enough to do those things. Not that I want a kid, but if I got knocked up by accident or something--SIDEBAR OVER

James and I started seeing each other right after he left Jace. There was no overlap but he’d been around my house a couple times at parties, being a long-time friend of my then-roommate. I could tell he had his eyeball on me but when I heard he was married I wrote him off as a potential lover (I was cruising for lovers at the time). The day after he split with Jace, however, he came right over to see me. I’m no fool, the guy is having a major rebound. But I still think that it’s healthy because of our depth and ease of communication. I certainly wouldn’t ask for a boyfriend-girlfriend-type thing of him, nor would I say yes if he asked for one. I think people coming out of major relationships, especially emotionally abusive ones, need time to decompress. James is only just beginning to decompress.

He was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused in his relationship. It makes me…angry. I have been emotionally abused by a lady and know a couple other men who were emotionally abused by ladies. I no longer trust ladies to be reasonable and nice, like I did before. I guess my trust has been seriously eroded by the Triad of Doom and Despair, as well as watching these men suffer at the hands of women. How awful is that? Luckily I do have many good examples in my life, lady friends who are emotionally stable and kind. I’ll have to remind myself to think of them when I get angry at abusive women.

And back to James: when I was feeling impatient with him a few months ago, it was because he wasn’t making visible, positive change. I was wrong to judge the poor fellow, and I put myself back in my place after talking to him and another pal, who told me I was being a dope. Luckily that period didn’t last more than a couple weeks, and, awesomely, revived my NRE (which is still happening!). Anyway, at that time I told myself that a person coming away from a marriage like that needs at least a year to get back on their feet. Elemental’s impressive success—condo-buying, healthy dating—must be outside the norm.

Here’s a question: I might lose respect for a dude who couldn’t pull it together after a year. Is that too judgmental? I think James is fantastic but I also don’t want to bring unmotivated people into my life. I want people around me who uplift me and spur me on to higher successes. I don’t want people who, because I feel more “successful” than them, don’t encourage me to keep growing. Is that fair?

The question itself is kind of silly because we haven’t gotten there yet; I’m speculating about something that might not happen. Still, though. I think about it once in a while because at the moment the friendship is of the second kind I wrote of in the last paragraph: I’m not really motivated by it.

The black-and-white core of this situation is that I’m going to be a lawyer in a few months and he’s a struggling musician living in his parents’ basement. It matters, not because he’s not intelligent, but because I’m complacent around him, having already achieved more according to social standards. I guess that means I accept social standards of success. Can I change? How can I change my way of thinking so that each human I meet isn’t rated on this impossible scale created by society? James is awesome! I don’t want to lose respect for him just because he’s in a different life situation.

Holy cow that was a lot more than I expected to write just now.
 
The black-and-white core of this situation is that I’m going to be a lawyer in a few months and he’s a struggling musician living in his parents’ basement. It matters, not because he’s not intelligent, but because I’m complacent around him, having already achieved more according to social standards. I guess that means I accept social standards of success. Can I change? How can I change my way of thinking so that each human I meet isn’t rated on this impossible scale created by society? James is awesome! I don’t want to lose respect for him just because he’s in a different life situation.

Holy cow that was a lot more than I expected to write just now.

Well Bassman is a musician/chef and I'm an accountant (don't want my CPA though) and I never thought about not being able to achieve goals by marrying someone that had different career choices then me. Love is love ;) but I do get you're not "in love" with James, so a bit different situation. I wouldn't write him off either...you are poly and can love him for even his struggling musician life too. :p
 
The Triad of Doom and Despair

I guess I’ve foreshadowed this thing enough by now, eh? I’ll write a little bit about it. My day-to-day feelings about this experience are fairly low-key: I’m glad to have learned lots about poly and myself, but I’m not glad about having behaved the way I did on certain occasions. I’m also not glad about having been the throw-away third for a couple new to poly. These feelings balance each other out, for the most part. I sometimes also feel angry when I think about Cinder. Generally speaking, I’m “over it”.

That said, I figure as I write this some old feelings might poke their heads out of history and make their way into this blog. I want people to know that however it sounds below, the above is the way I feel about the Triad.

So...I was in a short-lived and emotionally violent triad with a married couple who didn’t know what they were doing and who eventually broke up as an indirect result of the triad. I didn’t know what I was doing either, to be clear. I was a unicorn, couple-hunting. They seemed awesome. It was awesome, at first. Then it turned horrible and then it turned even worse.

I guess if you read Cinder’s old blog you know her side pretty well. Elemental’s blog is very fair and measured, I think. He’s being real true to the experience, in my opinion. What should I write about my experience?

For now, an anecdote. After we broke up for the third (and final) time, in October of 2012 I think it was, I was incredibly angry. I was also heartbroken, and very much pining for Elemental. I had started a tumblr in which I posted every day, and that I knew Elemental was reading. Cinder was probably reading it too. That was morally grey, because I knew Cinder wouldn’t want him to be in touch with me at all, even in this indirect way. I did it anyway. I justified it because it was for me as well as him, it was in public, and because I at this point I’d had my contact with Elemental broken entirely without being able to say goodbye. I asked her when she broke Elemental and I up, but she said no.

I am still unsure whether or not it was morally okay of me to be writing that Tumblr. What do you think?

I was quite confused about how I had been treated by Cinder over the course of the Triad, and, in my anger, googled something about emotionally abusive women. My first hit was a list of 10 ways emotional abuse can happen: http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/. This is obviously not the best way to diagnose abusive relationships, but the fact that I experienced most of the 10 behaviors listed made me feel like I’d been in an emotionally abusive relationship. The worst and most prevalent behavior towards myself was the constant changing of the goalposts. I learned that nothing I did would ever be good enough. I was trying my best and being told, literally, that it wasn’t good enough. Until I came across this site I was confused and felt alienated. I couldn’t describe why I felt like wrongs had been done to me. I learned from this site and others that this is often the case with people in emotionally abusive relationships.

I’ll pause here to say that I was only in an emotionally abusive relationship for a short time, and that I was certainly not blameless in that relationship. However, I don’t believe that I ‘deserved’ to be treated the way I did.

I posted a link to this site on my Tumblr and I think it made Elemental angry. He was defensive, in any case. I think Cinder might have been reading my Tumblr as well and I wouldn’t be surprised if it angered her. I posted it because I was angry, not as a productive exercise. I did want Elemental to see what was happening in their relationship, and I wanted my hurt to be acknowledged. But mainly I think—in retrospect—that it was a defensive attack in response to Cinder’s behavior and words to me.

Dang, I just re-read that list of 10 behaviors. I’m glad that Cinder ended the triad. I probably wouldn’t have been able to confront her about being abusive, and I might have stayed with her, mainly to be close to Elemental. How messed up is that? I probably would have stayed, becoming more and more resentful of her, losing more respect for her and myself and Elemental, feeling more and more downtrodden and confused. It was good that she ended it. And now I know what signs to watch for in a relationship, to make sure I don’t get myself into an abused position ever again.

After their separation when Elemental first mentioned something in passing about the relationship being abusive, I felt vindicated, comforted, believed. I no longer felt alone. How amazing that such a short relationship could affect me so much! I’m glad I can write about it, because no one I know in RL understands. They’ll let me talk, sure, but I don’t feel heard because they haven’t experienced this sort of thing. Writing it for strangers somehow makes me feel heard :)
 
Sorry you went through that, it doesn't sound fun. :(

So, Cinder and Elemental were married originally, or ...?

Re:
"I am still unsure whether or not it was morally okay of me to be writing that Tumblr. What do you think?"

It is a gray area and it really depends on what your own personal morals are. I personally probably wouldn't have done it, but that's because I'm not an assertive person; I would rather run away from a confrontation or anything that looked like it.
 
The Tumblr thing was just this side of wrong, I've decided. Not because I should have been avoiding confronting negative situations, but because it was communication behind Cinder's back. Wrong.

Elemental and Cinder were married, yep, and together for some years before that. From my perspective their relationship was enormously messed up, and they weren't in a good place to be adding new poly partners. Oh well, I think that was an innocent mistake. Couples seem to make that mistake often, from what I read on here. I hope I learned from that mistake, I'm pretty sure I did. And I think Elemental did too. For my part, I'm not entering into relationships without being really open about my polyamory, my expectations, my needs and my desires.
 
The Triad of Doom and Despair, Part Two: It Wasn’t Entirely Negative

That’s right, it wasn’t. Despite my silly name for it, the triad wasn’t all bad. In fact, it was really very fun at first, and at times throughout. I’ll share a positive anecdote about it.

It was our second date and I was going out to Elemental and Cinder’s place for the first time. Sex wasn’t on the table, it being a second date, but I was feeling very sexy anyway and very nervous and excited. Cinder and I had been exchanging long, long emails, plus our chemistry in person was great, so I felt okay to go visit them in their home. I told a friend, for safety, because their home was a couple hours away from mine at the time.

Cinder came in and picked me up and we had a blast on the drive together; conversation went well and I remember only feeing awkward for a little bit at the beginning. That’s a very good sign for me as, as you know, I’m talented at awkward-making! We were having such a good conversation that Cinder almost drove over some railway tracks as the arms were lowering, which embarrassed her and made us both laugh a lot. In retrospect, there was a lot of sexy energy flying around between us.

When we arrived at their place their sweet dogs came and greeted me, Cinder and Elemental took my coat, and we went upstairs where there was a fire blazing, wine ready, and candles lit. I shit you not, it was like something out of a movie. They had a beautiful home, very clean and organized and with lovely art. And a piano, which I got excited about. Cinder and I sat on the couch with wine glasses and chatted while Elemental bustled about in the kitchen and brought us appetizers. He was doing everything for us and it made me feel a little weird so I jokingly asked Cinder if he was like that all the time, and she replied that yeah, that’s what husbands are for! I laughed it off but holy foreshadowing. I don’t agree that partners are there to wait on us, although Elemental serving us that night was simply part of the date, and very fun.

After eating we hottubbed it up a bit. I had one drink too many and got dizzy in the tub, so dizzy that I almost passed out. What a goof. But it passed soon enough and then we chatted for a little while longer before bed. They tucked me into the guest room bed, all chaste! It was very nice and I felt happy, excited, and respected. Great second date. They rocked it.
 
Third Post for Today

I have been experiencing some guilt around talking to Elemental more often lately, with respect to James. I told James and he reassured me that he's completely cool. I told him that I'm having trouble setting boundaries around how much I tell him about my relationship to Elemental. James replied that I can tell him as much as I like. I told him that I am worried about his feelings, and that I'm caretaking a bit too much. I told him that I'm worried about a visit with Elemental because my "true" poly self hasn't been tested yet. He was supportive, of course, and confirmed to me that he's okay.

I'm definitely overthinking this one. James is the best.

After this conversation we got sexy. He spent a long while whispering a fantasy of his to me: watching me be sexy with Elemental (or any fellow with whom I'd like to be). I feel very lucky that at a time in my life I want to be solo, James came along. Our needs line up so well.
 
James sounds like a cool guy. :)
 
James sounds like a cool guy. :)

Right in one. He's the best. I'm having deeper romantic feelings for him, for sure...or maybe it's still NRE? Who knows, who cares :)

Leda and I had our housewarming party a couple weekends ago. It went really well. All of our friends are such nerds and I love that about us. I did stay up waaaaaay too late and was hungover all day Sunday, but managed to get laid a lot anyway. When James and I get sleepovers we really take advantage; we have to otherwise we’d both be grumpy.

One really nice thing about the party was that James pulled me aside for a check-in. He’s always been good about checking in with me, but he’s never initiated before. As usual, we’re on the same page. He said he’s “very very fond of me” which I take to mean that, like me, he’s hesitant about saying “love” because of our circumstances. He’s happy with me and our situation, and I’m happy with him. It made me feel so sweet that he initiated. He was also very affectionate all night, totally cock-blocking my flirts with another dude. But I didn’t mind one bit because a person who wants to date me has to be cool with my relationship with James, plus I love the attention from James. It was so fun.

James slept over all weekend including Sunday night. I stayed in Monday morning and went to work late and James hung around too, not having to work until 1:00. So we were definitely in Leda’s way. I hope she wasn’t too annoyed. She’s like me except a bit more intense: interrupted routine is very irritating to us. I’ll have to talk to her about it later, didn’t get a chance to before I left for work. I also had to tell James that I have to go to bed early tonight, which pretty much precludes our hanging out at my place. We are going to a poetry reading at a great BBQ place tonight, so at least I’ll get to see him there.

Man, I’m starving. I want BBQ right now! Dang all I have here at work is a
dang banana. How boring.
 
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Throw the banana on the grill?

Aww, I guess that wouldn't work ... :)
 
It's my birthday!

I'm 31 today! Older folks: does it ever feel like you've grown up? I still feel like a kid. I'm not. I'm a grown-ass adult with a "real" job and a home that I pay for. I volunteer, and I'm in choir and the community garden...I'm grown up. But it doesn't feel like it! I guess that's probably a good thing, except that people at work always think I'm younger than I am. When I become a proper lawyer that may be a problem. We'll see, I guess!

I got some good feedback at work just now that makes me feel like I'm doing a good job here. I am working moderately hard, though the Internet is distracting. I am lucky because I enjoy and am well-suited to lawyering. Pretty soon comes the lawyer-money, too, which'll be nice. I signed up for this provincially-regulated debt payment program which at my current income will have my debts paid off in 6 years. When my income doubles in a year or two, I'll be able to pay my debts off that much sooner. Then I can incur new debt, in the form of a mortgage. What I really want is a little acreage outside of the city on which to build a little cottage. Even if I keep working in poverty law and social welfare I'll be able to do this in a decade.

I don't really know what kind of law I want to do but I'm looking forward to getting the experience in so I can start making my own hours. I'm such an introvert and need lots of time alone. I'd like to be able to have a couple days off during the week to take care of myself without taking away from time with friends and family. That's what happens now. I can't go out on weeknights for the most part which means I have to cram everyone in on weekends. I don't see my friends often.

Birthday plans: lunch with cool boss lady. She is seriously awesome. I'd work with her forever if I could. Dinner with Leda, who make a cake last night "for no reason" :). Fielding calls and texts from friends and family. What more could I want? Oh and James got me the 5-6 person expansion for Catan because he is the best.

More birthday plans: for the past 5 years I've done a terrible pub crawl in a tiny town I used to live in. It was hilarious, but expensive, and I wanted a change-up. A friend of mine has her birthday the day after mine so we're going to have a joint party. She wants to do a World's End themed crawl, which means 12 pints in 12 pubs. I'm excited to go to 12 pubs, because most of them are ones I enjoy. The 12 pints thing...I'll be drinking tonic water at most of the pubs. Otherwise I might die.
 
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