Hi all,
I'm very, very new to this and I've been spending a LOT of time back-reading posts on this forum and learning so much. I know experience is the best teacher, but I do better with new things when I've "done my research," so to speak, so I'm soaking up all your stories and sage advice.
One thing I came across that worries me, though, is a somewhat recurring theme that seems to indicate that married women may have a harder time finding men who want to be involved in a deeper way with someone who is poly. Outside sex is fine and easily found, but long-term relationships with deep connections seem harder. For men, however, it looks like there are any number of women who are willing to "go deep" with someone who is already attached, so males in poly relationships don't struggle as much to find girlfriends (as opposed to just sex partners).
I'm generalizing, of course, but this has popped up a few times in many different threads.
Additionally, I went to see a popular comedian recently who joked about how "no man wants a married a woman! Oh, he'll fuck a married woman. But he don't want to HAVE her!" This was funny, actually, in context, but as the female in a relationship that is just on the brink of becoming poly, when I reflected on it later, it scared the shit out of me.
Not to mention, I did have an interest in someone who was also interested in me. He is involved with someone else, has a child with her, wants to get married someday (but not to her, necessarily) and isn't interested in being poly. We never consummated, but we had lots of discussions about our mutual interest in one another, many of them centering around the idea that I didn't want to cheat on my husband, but if/when we ever opened our relationship up, he would be the one I would date. But when I recently told him that my husband and I actually started moving toward poly, he backed away and said that he is in an unhappy relationship and he feels like he only has two options: leave her and be with me (which he wants to do) but then he'd end up "by himself" essentially, because this would "never go anywhere," or be anything more than what it is now (i.e. I would never be his wife). Or, he can try to work on the relationship he's in, since she is the mother of his child, in which case he doesn't want to "have feelings for me," while he's trying to do that. BUT... when I asked him if he would be OK with us having a purely sexual relationship -- without feelings or deeper attachment -- he said, of course, that he would. And I was crestfallen. Still am. I really liked him, but I am not interested in being someone's fuck buddy.
This seems to confirm what I've been picking up on in these threads and elsewhere: It's maybe not impossible for women to find loving partners outside of their primary relationships, but it seems like it will be much harder for me than for my husband!
Would you all care to tell me what your experiences have been? And how you've dealt with it? Do men have an easier go at poly than women? Anything to be done about it? HALP!
NOTE: I am speaking from a hetero perspective, because that is my preference. I imagine this theory might play out differently if applied to other kinds of relationships, but I honestly have no idea!
I'm very, very new to this and I've been spending a LOT of time back-reading posts on this forum and learning so much. I know experience is the best teacher, but I do better with new things when I've "done my research," so to speak, so I'm soaking up all your stories and sage advice.
One thing I came across that worries me, though, is a somewhat recurring theme that seems to indicate that married women may have a harder time finding men who want to be involved in a deeper way with someone who is poly. Outside sex is fine and easily found, but long-term relationships with deep connections seem harder. For men, however, it looks like there are any number of women who are willing to "go deep" with someone who is already attached, so males in poly relationships don't struggle as much to find girlfriends (as opposed to just sex partners).
I'm generalizing, of course, but this has popped up a few times in many different threads.
Additionally, I went to see a popular comedian recently who joked about how "no man wants a married a woman! Oh, he'll fuck a married woman. But he don't want to HAVE her!" This was funny, actually, in context, but as the female in a relationship that is just on the brink of becoming poly, when I reflected on it later, it scared the shit out of me.
Not to mention, I did have an interest in someone who was also interested in me. He is involved with someone else, has a child with her, wants to get married someday (but not to her, necessarily) and isn't interested in being poly. We never consummated, but we had lots of discussions about our mutual interest in one another, many of them centering around the idea that I didn't want to cheat on my husband, but if/when we ever opened our relationship up, he would be the one I would date. But when I recently told him that my husband and I actually started moving toward poly, he backed away and said that he is in an unhappy relationship and he feels like he only has two options: leave her and be with me (which he wants to do) but then he'd end up "by himself" essentially, because this would "never go anywhere," or be anything more than what it is now (i.e. I would never be his wife). Or, he can try to work on the relationship he's in, since she is the mother of his child, in which case he doesn't want to "have feelings for me," while he's trying to do that. BUT... when I asked him if he would be OK with us having a purely sexual relationship -- without feelings or deeper attachment -- he said, of course, that he would. And I was crestfallen. Still am. I really liked him, but I am not interested in being someone's fuck buddy.
This seems to confirm what I've been picking up on in these threads and elsewhere: It's maybe not impossible for women to find loving partners outside of their primary relationships, but it seems like it will be much harder for me than for my husband!
Would you all care to tell me what your experiences have been? And how you've dealt with it? Do men have an easier go at poly than women? Anything to be done about it? HALP!
NOTE: I am speaking from a hetero perspective, because that is my preference. I imagine this theory might play out differently if applied to other kinds of relationships, but I honestly have no idea!