Maybe I'm NOT so Poly

Tinyblu

New member
Ok.. I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!

...so I think I have done a relatively good job with dealing with this whole Poly lifestyle. I have even recovered from being put into some not-so-pleasing situations with the guy I am involved with. I have been aware the entire time that we have been seeing each other that he dates/fucks other women, and for the most part I have dealt with it relatively well (even after being thrown into a spontaneous threesome that I didn't consent to)

I had noticed that his actions towards me had started to waiver (he started getting a little inconsistent with his communication) and OF COURSE I new it was because he had a new toy (does he think I'm stupid?). I kept it cool and let him dig his own hole as men usually do.

I did address his inconsistency and he did respond by comminicating with me more, etc. I was OK with that... until I got a chat request from his new toy via email!!!!

Let me go back for a second. It's a good thing he discloses his "poly" lifestyle because I noticed the new girl's email address in some correspondence he sent to me, and as any curious woman would do, I did my research (Google and Facebook Friend Finder is your friend). HOW TACKY IS THAT?? DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THE NAME??

So... I at least knew what she looked like, but that's all I needed to know. I didn't expect her to try to contact me.

I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!

In fact, I am so furious that I didn't even answer his phone call tonight because I knew I would GO there. I so want to scream at him and say tell your other bitch not to contact me!!!

Chill chick has been replaced by pissed chick, and I know it's just a matter of time before I bring it up. When I get pissed off I become the queen of sarcasm. Seriously, I just want to back out of the whole thing now or just find another guy to parade around in his face to see how HE likes it.

I am so venting right now, but I am SOOOOOO PISSED!!!!! This is my first time actually experiencing jealousy and it is NOT pretty. Please advise veterans. Did I get in over my head?

I am normally not a jealous person, but I feel like she stepped over the line...
 
Did you tell her not to call you or contact you anymore, and did she continue?

If yes, you have my permission to be pissed.

If no, do it next time and then come talk to us.

You're not doing anyone any favors being pissed about this. It's a situation where you have choices to make, and responsibility to take for how YOU handle it.
 
So, it's not invasion of her privacy that you found her on FB though an cc'd e-mail; but it is that she sought you out, perhaps to make sure that you actually did know about her? Honestly, how is that fair? You need to be clear with your guy (and if you don't want to talk to his OSO's ask him to be clear with them) that while you're okay with him being poly; you'd prefer a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) policy.
 
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!
.

How, exactly, did she violate your privacy? Did she read your diary? Did she post pix of you having a quiet, little dinner with your bf when you wanted to keep it secret? I'm failing to see how she violated anything.

Unless you had contacted previously and told her to not contact you...had you done that? If not, it's entirely unreasonable to expect her to read your mind. Indeed, it is quite common for folks to want to at least meet metamours, so her emailing you comes as a friendly--and entirely reasonable--overture.

And then why would you get pissed at him for her not reading your mind? What in hell did he have to do with it? And how is not answering his call going to communicate anything to anybody?
 
It sounds like she didn't really invade your privacy (just that she's as clever at putting two and two together as you are), and that the bottom line is you don't want her to be part of your life. Remember, the jealousy is about what she represents, not about who she is as a human being. Recognize your feelings as being just that.

Frankly, it sounds like you're just really, really angry: at him for being tactless in his enamorment, at yourself for getting sucked into it, and at the other person for having this impact on you. Be careful though, to not mentally convict this other person of some crime she has not committed and behave as if she has. There is a line between feeling jealousy and acting petty.

It's totally okay to take time to yourself if you can't talk to him. It's okay to not want to talk to her. It sucks that this is hurting you, and honestly, I feel for you:(. Some sleep will help you clear your head. Be strong. No one can look out for you better than you can.
 
What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?
 
I think I have done a relatively good job with dealing with this whole Poly lifestyle.
You have been told many times by people here that your boyfriend treats you like shit and doesn't practice poly ethically. Your other threads have revealed that he disrespects you, and that you are using him for his money while he uses you and other women for sex. So, it is perplexing to see you continually come back here and state you've been "doing well in a poly relationship."


I had noticed that his actions towards me had started to waiver (he started getting a little inconsistent with his communication) and OF COURSE I new it was because he had a new toy (does he think I'm stupid?).
You refer to her as a toy. What if she is just as emotionally invested as you are? What if she thinks of you as a toy? You show no regard for her as a person, but have some weird idea of the kind of respect she's supposed to show you.


I kept it cool and let him dig his own hole as men usually do.
In your last thread, you also said that there are "no good men out there" to justify taking advantage of his big, open wallet. Obviously, you have no respect for men, either.


. . . I noticed the new girl's email address in some correspondence he sent to me, and as any curious woman would do, I did my research . . . DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THE NAME??
Why should he try to hide anything if you're so cool with his "poly lifestyle?" Sounds like you were trying to pretend he wasn't seeing anyone else. If you'd been handling this relationship as well as you say you are, you shouldn't be surprised that he has other women in his life, and you shouldn't expect him to try and hide anything.


I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!
Your anger is way out of proportion to the situation. Most people want to have contact with metamours. You really need to get a hold of yourself and open your eyes to what you've gotten into.

You come here and get lots of useful feedback about whatever issues you are dealing with, but hardly respond to any of it, and then you come back with an equally frustrating problem. Frustrating to us, because it's obvious that you dismiss everything anyone says to you. It's always difficult to see why you're making such a stink when you refuse to look at your part in what goes on in this relationship.
 
It sounds like she didn't really invade your privacy (just that she's as clever at putting two and two together as you are), and that the bottom line is you don't want her to be part of your life. Remember, the jealousy is about what she represents, not about who she is as a human being. Recognize your feelings as being just that.

Frankly, it sounds like you're just really, really angry: at him for being tactless in his enamorment, at yourself for getting sucked into it, and at the other person for having this impact on you. Be careful though, to not mentally convict this other person of some crime she has not committed and behave as if she has. There is a line between feeling jealousy and acting petty.

It's totally okay to take time to yourself if you can't talk to him. It's okay to not want to talk to her. It sucks that this is hurting you, and honestly, I feel for you:(. Some sleep will help you clear your head. Be strong. No one can look out for you better than you can.

You're absolutely right. Even a couple of hours has calmed me down tremendously. I am being quite petty. Yes, when I saw the new name pop up on the email I let my immature curiosity get the best of me and did a little detective work, but I still feel her reaching out to me was out of line. I'm glad I didn't talk to him tonight because I would have said something I didn't mean or would have regretted. I'll cool off and it may all just blow over. I just needed to let off some steam on the forum. Thanks for your input.
 
You have been told many times by people here that your boyfriend treats you like shit and doesn't practice poly ethically. Your other threads have revealed that he disrespects you, and that you are using him for his money while he uses you and other women for sex. So, it is perplexing to see you continually come back here and state you've been "doing well in a poly relationship."


You refer to her as a toy. What if she is just as emotionally invested as you are? What if she thinks of you as a toy? You show no regard for her as a person, but have some weird idea of the kind of respect she's supposed to show you.


In your last thread, you also said that there are "no good men out there" to justify taking advantage of his big, open wallet. Obviously, you have no respect for men, either.


Why should he try to hide anything if you're so cool with his "poly lifestyle?" Sounds like you were trying to pretend he wasn't seeing anyone else. If you'd been handling this relationship as well as you say you are, you shouldn't be surprised that he has other women in his life, and you shouldn't expect him to try and hide anything.


Your anger is way out of proportion to the situation. Most people want to have contact with metamours. You really need to get a hold of yourself and open your eyes to what you've gotten into.

You come here and get lots of useful feedback about whatever issues you are dealing with, but hardly respond to any of it, and then you come back with an equally frustrating problem. Frustrating to us, because it's obvious that you dismiss everything anyone says to you. It's always difficult to see why you're making such a stink when you refuse to look at your part in what goes on in this relationship.



Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for. Everyone isn't as strong or as hardcore as you and though I've tried to dismiss your repeated harsh responses as sound advice (because there is often good advice in there), you fail to forget that I am new to this whole thing.

As I responded to another more TACTFUL reply. I was merely letting off steam rather than taking my anger out on the guy.

Let me explain DISRESPECT to you. My ex husband who took vows to forsake all others, fucked other women behind my back, had a child with another woman during our marriage and gave me an STD!!!!! Thankfully, it was something I could get rid of.

How has this guy respected me? He was HONEST from the beginning. He TOLD me that he sees other women but gives me consistency and space (unlike the clingy cheating ex). ANY time I have addressed any issues with him (I would come here to get advice on how to approach things), he has CHANGED!!
1) Spontaneous threesome - he apologized and admitted that he was wrong in that situation; wanting to fulfill a fantasy and being TOTALLY selfish by placing me in the situation. He said he would NEVER put me in that situation again and he has not!
2) The trip he wanted cancelled...BEFORE I could even bring up that I wasn't comfortable doing his dirty work, HE volunteered to tell the other woman and once again apologized for putting me in the situation...
3) When I expressed my concerns about the change in communication, he listened and made a GENUINE change.

What I HAVE learned from the good advice (and not the brow beating) I have received from this thread is that I need to work on my communication... something I wasn't good at in my mono days either. I was always afraid of being abandoned and that fear has caused me to keep my mouth shut WAY more often than not. This relationship is FORCING me to come out of that...

So NYCindie, I KNOW you may think that I am making some mistakes in this, but I pose the question to you... did you do everything perfectly 5 months into your first poly relationship or have you always been a cynical, mean person?

I am willing to try new things, and I know I am going to make mistakes along the way. Would you degrade a child for falling off the bike the first time they tried to ride one? My goodness! CHILAX!!!!

I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold and I think you're being downright mean. If it's all the same to you, I would rather you keep your comments to yourself if they are not going to be tactful.

As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!
 
What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?

Because I was being petty. Sometimes it's hard for me to acknowledge that I'm sharing. I take comfort in out of sight, out of mind, and her contacting me made her REAL. You're absolutely right. I am WAY over-reacting on this one.
 
UPDATE: Total Over Reaction

...so after reading some of the advice, I decided to call my guy and talk to him (ignoring his call was rather juvenille). I told him (calmly) I was upset about an email I received from ____ (said her name) and began a rant about me not needing to know about his "escapades" (I actually used that word), and not wanting to be contacted by one of his "toys".

That's when he informed me (calmly) that the woman was actually not a toy at all...she's a co-worker. The emails that I received often had something to do with his job and her name just started showing up recently because she just returned to work...from maternity leave!!!! I was SOOOOOO embarassed!

The great thing about yet another one of my meltdowns was that the important question got asked and answered... where is this coming from?

As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area. I admitted to him that I am afraid he's going to leave.

Though I didn't tell him, I am starting to get emotionally invested in this guy. I started off thinking I could just be OK with a sexual relationship and get wined and dined in the process, but I am starting to have feelings for him, and I am TERRIFIED!!!!! My last relationship ended very painfully when the guy dropped me (as I perceived it) out of the blue. I never saw it coming because I was so happy with that man. After that heartbreak I vowed to never feel that way again. It took me a year to get over that.

So, here I am again recognizing that this is more than the casual, sex thing I have tried to convince myself it is and I am working diligently to push him away before I am too far gone.

...he really re-assured me that he's not going to leave and let me know that he understood that since I am new to this lifestyle that things are going to come up, and that it's OK for me to communicate those things to him, that he won't think I'm psycho-bitch for feeling. That helped a lot.

He also reminded me of lessons he's learned, namely from the awkward threesome episode. He said he would NEVER try to force me into indulging a fantasy of his nor would he ever just spring someone on me ever again. He assured me that if someone significant entered his life, he would make sure I am well informed about her and we would make the decision together about how we would introduce her into our lives, and it would NEVER be a requirement for me to enter a sexual relationship with her (He joked that he's done with the Hugh Hefner ideal.). That made me feel a lot better.

So... a not so great way to learn a lesson (I'm sure he could have done without the meltdown or Columbo stunt), but this just reconfirms that I gotta open my mouth, not just with him but in a LOT of situations, and learn not to feel bad for saying what I feel. NOT saying what I feel is proving to be the most detrimental...

OK... shutting up now. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest (again)
 
Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for.
I never ridiculed you. I have made sincere efforts, in a no-nonsense manner, to point out behaviors of this guy's and yours that are detrimental to your well-being in this relationship. Others have told you the same things I have, and just as directly. Go re-read a few of the responses to your "Should I Say Something" thread. I am not the only one who has communicated harsh words to you that you needed to hear. Obviously, others beside myself felt you needed something to shake you up.


. . .have you always been a cynical, mean person?
Nope, never have been cynical or mean. That's your perception. I guess you only want people to respond with very gentle, sweet answers. Maybe you should post in the Blog section, then, and not in the forum sections where debate and criticism are allowed.


My goodness! CHILAX!!!!
I am very relaxed, thanks. You're the one posting in caps and exclamation points, LOL.

Look, whenever anyone reads my posts, they should just imagine me sitting next to them with a firm but tender hand on their arm, giving them a tough-love approach, with a look of concern in my eyes and a soft but assertive tone of voice. I don't sit here spending all this time answering posts on a fucking message board because I don't give a shit or just want to be a douchebag. I have better things to do with my time and energy than to yank people around. Anything I say comes from a place of concern and caring.

I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold . . .
Nope, not well-versed in poly. I only pointed out things that common sense in any relationship would tell me. I was never negative, I was just holding up a mirror (so to speak) by mentioning things that it seemed you were doing that were working against your benefit, or issues that would be helpful to look at.


As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!
Well, I'm from NYC where we tell it like it is, and don't waste energy prettying up the reality of a situation for people. Relationships are hard, poly is tricky. You can't be a southern belle about this stuff. You got yourself in a situation, complained about a lot of it, and didn't seem to acknowledge many of the responses you got. If you've found it helpful to come here, I am truly glad. I hope it keeps getting better for you, though I have a feeling that you won't realize there are plenty of good men out there while so focused on this one. You say you are learning to communicate more effectively with him, so that is a really great move in a good, healing direction.
 
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Tinyblu, you always refer to your boyfriend's potential other partners as "toys". Do you understand that if he's really poly, he might be pursuing real relationships with other women--like, serious ones? Poly people don't just have "escapades" with outside partners. I hope this has been explained to you.

I am confused about your situation. If this woman is just a co-worker who's come back from mat leave, why is she emailing you and chat requesting you? Do you have something to do with his job?

You admit that you over-reacted, but still say that being contacted by "one of his toys" is unacceptable to you. Why?
 
Tinyblu, you always refer to your boyfriend's potential other partners as "toys". Do you understand that if he's really poly, he might be pursuing real relationships with other women--like, serious ones? Poly people don't just have "escapades" with outside partners. I hope this has been explained to you.

Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.

. . . the woman was actually not a toy at all . . .

No woman is ever a toy! Referring to her as a toy reflects more about the person saying those things than the woman herself. Seeing a person as an object is extremely disrespectful.


The only exception, of course, is if there is some consent on someone's part to be in the role of a toy, in kinky D/s games or something (I'm sure there is something like that out there), but that doesn't apply here.
 
Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.

This is what I suspect, yes. Tinyblu, I think your boyfriend is explaining poly wrong to you. It doesn't mean what he says it means. It doesn't mean that he gets to cheat on you and then not even bother to go to the trouble of hiding it.

(Disclaimer: there's nothing wrong with polyfuckery if that's what everyone involved is into!)
 
Yes, it still seems that the OP doesn't quite understand what poly is about, but I wonder if that is because her bf is using the label polyamory while actually just playing at polyfuckery.



No woman is ever a toy! Referring to her as a toy reflects more about the person saying those things than the woman herself. Seeing a person as an object is extremely disrespectful.


The only exception, of course, is if there is some consent on someone's part to be in the role of a toy, in kinky D/s games or something (I'm sure there is something like that out there), but that doesn't apply here.


Saying "toy" was my ever-so-nice attempt at sarcasm. Sorry Yanks, I'm not as good at it as others!!! I was just saying that because I was angry.
 
I am confused about your situation. If this woman is just a co-worker who's come back from mat leave, why is she emailing you and chat requesting you? Do you have something to do with his job?

You admit that you over-reacted, but still say that being contacted by "one of his toys" is unacceptable to you. Why?

Sometimes my guy asks for my input on projects he is working on (we both write) and he just adds me to the list of coworkers whose opinions he values. Other than that, I have no idea why she was reaching out to me. Of course, all of this could have been avoided by me simply inquiring about her when I initially had questions. Instead, I invented an entire scenario in my head (because of fear) to sabatoge the relationship. It's a habit I need to break...

After we talked last night, I now understand that he will only facilitate communication between me and anyone else he deems significant. He made it clear that he wants a RELATIONSHIP (that word is scary to me) with me and while he may entertain other women from time to time, that he will keep that DADT.

I think the same rules apply to me, but I choose not to sleep with other men. I try to go out with other guys, but when they figure out that their not getting any, they lose interest quickly. So... is that mono by default?
 
Sorry About My Meltdown!

My apologies for irrationally lashing out at certain posters. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.


I still don't get a lot of this polyamory stuff. Maybe it is fucking around with permission, but at least I'm not being lied to. In my past relationships (all bad), the NOT knowing and the sneaking around is what ended up hurting me the most. Those past hurts still creep up and cause me to go all ape shit for fear of getting hurt.

I get that you are trying to help me, and I very well may crashing and burning, but this poly relationship, with all its ups and downs is the best relationship I've been in (that may not be saying much).

I don't think my guy is bad. I think that I have NO idea what I'm doing and my fear of speaking up ends up causing me more harm than good. Add that to me fighting actually developing feelings for this guy and I am torturing myself...

Sigh... I'm really making this difficult aren't I???? I'm the one who needs to CHILAX...
 
This is what I suspect, yes. Tinyblu, I think your boyfriend is explaining poly wrong to you. It doesn't mean what he says it means. It doesn't mean that he gets to cheat on you and then not even bother to go to the trouble of hiding it.

(Disclaimer: there's nothing wrong with polyfuckery if that's what everyone involved is into!)

How can you "cheat" in a poly relationship?

Can you please define polyfuckery?
 
In my past relationships (all bad), the NOT knowing and the sneaking around is what ended up hurting me the most.

In this case a DADT policy may not be the best option. I'm not saying that he should share all the "details" but keeping you informed may be helpful to avoid past triggers.

Based on his response to your "freak out/meltdown" I think you may have a pretty decent guy here.
 
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