I'm sorry you struggle.
I am going to ask some questions. You do not have to actually answer them here. I just ask them in case it helps you better articulate what the main problem or top 3 problems are. Maybe if you solve the big ones and that takes 70% of the burden off your plate, then living with the smaller ones for a while could feel less stressy to you?
Looking for some advice as I am in a V relationship with a married woman who is the hinge. The person I am seeing insists she believes in co-primaries, but it is difficult to have her spouse so much more involved and have an extra layer of commitment.
I believe her that eventually we can have the level of commitment I'm looking for aka "co-primary" and living arrangements can be figured out (either her splitting time between him and I or me living in their guesthouse), but I know it will take a lot of time for the husband to ease into that.
Could call it "working toward co-primaries" then. You and her seem to be on the same page on that.
Is her spouse? Does he want to be in a co-primary model? Is the problem that you are all not on the same page for what poly model it is you are practicing together? He wants (primary-secondary) forever, where you might be willing to accept (primary-secondary to start, and working toward co-primary over time)?
...insisting that I can be in a relationship with her as long as it doesn't change his "family vision".
What IS his "family vision?" And where do you fit into it as a co-primary?
What is HER vision? Where do you fit into that?
What is YOUR vision? How do these people fit into that?
Are all these things compatible?
or having my relationship diminished by them having a baby (which will happen in the next year or so), and them planning a later in life "honeymoon" that is set to happen within a couple months.
Setting the spouse's behavior aside for a moment...
How do these things diminish your relationship with her? The baby, them having a vacation? If he wasn't behaving so annoying, would these things bother you as much? I sit that you want to do these things with her?
Her spouse also seeks to delegitimize my role, calling me the "friend"
Is this because he doesn't want to be "out" as poly at this time? And that's something you can live with for now? Out and about in town or meeting new people you are willing to be called "friend" but in private you want to be called "partner?" Something else?
Or is this because she goes around telling him that she would have married you instead had she met you first. So he feels bad, and he tries to assert his "husband" position over your "friend" position to make himself feel better?
Or is this because he doesn't really want to do poly, and hopes by being difficult or passive aggressive you will quit or she will quit and then he is free of it without him actually having to say "I don't like this. I don't want to do this. I quit" to anyone?
Or is this growing pains for him -- learning how to get his brain around the fact that he agreed to be in a V, and figuring out how to deal with
poly hell feelings? Perhaps you are having some poly hell things too as the hinge figures out how to balance her time between the two. Like the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" isn't here yet, and weathering out the transition time in between is going rough for all of you but in different ways?
I wanted advice on how to deal with the feeling of being pushed out
What behavior is he doing that pushes you out? When he does these things, have you asked him directly to please stop doing X. Please do Y instead?
Are you doing any thinking behavior or action behavior that is
you pushing yourself out or holding yourself apart or back? Have you asked yourself to stop doing that?
My partner is spending so much time making sure that her spouse is comfortable and secure that it feels like that relationship matters more to her than ours.
Is the problem is not so much the husband's behavior but your GF's response to it? Like his behavior is a problem... but the bigger problem is
her behavior? He acts out, she drops everything and goes running to attend to him. Your time with her gets cut short by her as a result?
And your worry is that he will
always be acting out so even though she wants to be working toward co-primary, it's going to be her forever propping him up rather than him actually dealing with his issues or her telling him "No. Not at this time. We can deal with that when I get home" or just letting it go to voice mail?
Is that it?
When we are together I am treated as a primary, it's just around the husband that I have to step back and almost pretend to be lesser in order to appease his ego.
So you too are helping to prop him up and you don't like shrinking yourself? Is that part the problem? How would you like things to be around the husband instead? What stops you from behaving that way instead?
SUGGESTION
Spend some time thinking all those areas out. Maybe it helps you identify other sore spots not mentioned. Perhaps do a list and put them in order?
After thinking it over... what emerges at the
main problem? Or top 3 problems?
I assume he is hesitant about her dating me. He seems more fine with her having me "just" as a sexual partner, rather than developing the meaningful relationship we already have.
So if he needs to think this for now as part of him "easing into it" how about you let him think whatever for now? And carry on with your meaningful relationship in the meanwhile?
I believe her that eventually we can have the level of commitment I'm looking for aka "co-primary" and living arrangements can be figured out (either her splitting time between him and I or me living in their guesthouse), but I know it will take a lot of time for the husband to ease into that.
Then you have to clock the time.
Is he clocking the time? If you and her are both doing various things to help prop him up and
avoid dealing with things... how's that helping him ease into that?
I cannot tell if you need someone to say "Yeah, transition time sometimes sucks. Hang in there" or if there's a more "active" problem you need solving right now.
At any rate... sometimes the transition time DOES suck sometimes. It is not always comfortable. But that's how change and growth happens. At the edges of the previous comfort zone. Hopefully it is "comfortably uncomfortable" and not like WAY uncomfortbale taking on more than you can chew.
So hang in there.
Galagirl