figuring it out

Flear

New member
issues i have when i don't know what's bugging me, but something is bugging me and i just don't know what it is, i just can't put my finger on it.

i find i can get both feet in my mouth and clearly down to my knees

if i can figure out what's bugging me, it's like a road opened up and said "hey, come down this path", ... then i don't even have to say anything, it's just realizing i should have been doing something different all along.

i was looking to her for "somethings gotta change", ...
i should have been looking at myself and saying "i have to change what i'm doing"

Edit:
what bugs me most ?
when i'm not doing things, ... cleaning, chores, helping out, sure i'm doing stuff, i'm helping out, but the things i'm doing aren't things i consider that are important to say "i need to be doing something more tangible"

i'm a thinker, i can live my whole day in my head, ... but eventually i have to apply it, to do it, to write it out, to see progress with my own hands. i have to be actively involved in, actively doing things that have to get done.

if my lady is doing all those things, well i'm not doing them, and that itch begins, and i don't know what it is. because everything is done, so i can't put my finger on it, all i know is i'm frustrated and i don't know what it is.
 
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odd thoughts about describing things -reading through the key threads in golden nuggets...

thoughts i have on describing things

as for describing V or triad
-if each person is a dot, the intimate relationships are the connecting lines
this does not mean everyone is having intimate relationships with everyone else

primary or secondary
-could describe it as the person you may be going home to every night or the person you have a casual relationship with.
-(for primary) or at least the people you may be spending nights with them on a regular basis. the people that you go out with to special events because you don't want anyone to feel left out.
 
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as for describing V or triad
-if each person is a dot, the intimate relationships are the connecting lines
this does not mean everyone is having intimate relationships with everyone else

Right. This is the distinction between a 'v' and a 'triad' (or triangle).

primary or secondary
-could describe it as the person you may be going home to every night or the person you have a casual relationship with.
-(for primary) or at least the people you may be spending nights with them on a regular basis. the people that you go out with to special events because you don't want anyone to feel left out.

Primary is a statement of hierarchy (priority), so it would be applied to the 'top' relationship I'm guessing. There are far better terms to use to describe the role in your life without ranking them like they are in the military so I personally find this kind of classification archaic.
 
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the bible and polygamy
there's a history lesson

roman emperor Diocletian made the first anti-polygamy laws in the world (as far as i know) this is the same person that declared war on Christians wanting them all killed off.
his rule happened around the same time the bible was codified into a final collection of the various books and scriptures, all others were omitted and records of the books included were changed to omit reference to any books not included

Diocletian ruled from 284-305, there was no 'roman catholic' this means everyone who wrote anything that was included in the bible all accepted a culture that sponsored polygamy, (more specifically polygyny).

so the bible had many mentions of important prophets and others who had several wives, and mention of reasons why a man was to take a second wife (his married brother died) this was not a question of an option, but a responsibility of the man.

Edit:
You COULD point out that "biblicly", poly was accepted. ;)

thanks for the reminder Marcus :)
 
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somewhere between coming out and poly dating, ... there is this middle area.

i've seen gays and lesbians make it a big issue to put it in everyone's face that they're only interested in their own gender. i find this annoying and rubs me the wrong way as some major insecurities.

where do you draw the line between "this is me" (as opposed to saying nothing) and have to make it well known ?

where do you draw the line between saying enough so that people know where your coming from without it being too much ?

somewhere between keeping it to yourself and no one knowing and making sure everyone knows because you don't want to give the wrong impressions.

leaving it to only those people that ask, leaving it to only those people your interested to tell them, ... you can't meet people if you don't share what your interests are because they'll assume monogamy. but if you tell everyone so that they do know, so that those who understand and are open to the idea, so you can see who is approachable and available, ... where do you step back between saying enough and rubbing it in everyones face ???
 
You recognize that these are your issues and you stop worrying about what other people think of you. You arrange your life in a way that is true to who you are, and you own up to choices you make that are counterproductive or at odds with what you believe is right. You say "yes, i have decided that the benefits/pleasure i gain from choosing X equals or exceeds that which i would lose or gain from choosing Y", and you recognize that it's a CHOICE not an OBLIGATION.

It never ceases to floor me how many people are obsessed what others think of them, and how many people are obsessed with what they think of others. So many lives not being lived by their rightful owners. So many people living their lives to be approved by others, never doing what makes them happy, never able to make others happy by sacrificing their own happiness.

Have some kids. Maybe THEY will get it right this time.
 
Flear-

I live my life openly married and living with my husband and boyfriend. MANY PEOPLE don't ask. Many people say "your brother..." and I correct them, "my boyfriend.."

When I meet new people, which happens frequently at school, I am friendly and social. If THEY bring alternative relationships up in any manner I am honest and open about being in alternative relationships (this does happen frequently as it's a hot topic in my degree subject). If we get along well socially, I invite them to a social gathering that includes my partners-and introduce them.
When I attend events at school, I bring one or both of my partners. Over the course of a semester, people see me with two different men that I hold hands with, kiss, cuddle up to etc. I introduce them by name.

If someone expresses a romantic or sexual interest in me-they already know I have a family-cause I talk about my family all of the time.
What did you do this weekend?
"Maca, GG and the kids took me out for my birthday"
"GG and I celebrated our anniversary"
"Maca and I went to play pool"
"we stayed home as a family and watched movies"
"we played with the grandkids"
I frequently show pictures from my phone to people I have just met, of those nearest and dearest to me.

At no point does any of this include me bringing up "polyamory" or "open relationships".
But it almost always leads to them bringing it up by asking "your husband and your boyfriend live with you?"
I respond with yes.

I find that the people who don't struggle with this issue-are the ones who just go about life assuming they every day they will meet new people and they will show those people their real selves.
Then-in the process of life, some of those people will find them interesting enough to warrant additional conversations and some of THOSE people will develop feelings of care and concern and some of THOSE will become dating options.

The ones who struggle-tend to be searching for someone to date.
(do you see the difference?)

When we seek connections with people in general-we find people to date. When we seek only people to date, we often never find them because we aren't open enough for most people to connect with.
 
Confucious say:

Best time to plant tree - 20 years ago.

Second-best time to plant tree - right now.
 
wasn't sure to inquire here, or in "coming out", or to start a new thread.

it's that middle area between coming out, ... how much is too much. and somewhere between how far do you go to let other people know 'this is me' so they know where you sit.

a question that kinda sits between everything, not really one or the other, yet related to both.
 
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Loving radiance, ... then it's not an issue of telling other people, just an issue of being yourself and letting those curious know where you stand.
 
i've never had something challenging like this before.

looking to expand my family like this. well children do that, but that's in a different way.

i've had easier times trying to teach myself calculus, till progress was too slow and i was too impatient, ... seems about where most of my failing to learn come from, i'm too impatient to get to the end.

can't do that with people.

can learn all kinds of stuff on my own, can learn numbers, and languages and psychology, computer programming (even the more basic ones like assembly), history, environmental & biological interactions ... all kinds of things.

finding & meeting people who can say "ya, i get you" ... yup, can do that online, :/

in person, not so much it seems.

i'm not used to not knowing what i'm doing.
 
Are you in the autism spectrum, by any chance?
 
not that i know of, never been tested.
might explain a few things, ... but doesn't mean i have to stay there... 'here' if i am.

Edit:
actually that's something to look up.
never thought about it other than an odd curiosity.
 
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Well i am not a medical professional, but what you describe is a common thing among people with autism/Asperger's. Being able to teach yourself things and learn languages and add numbers but have difficulties/issues around people in person face to face. And the way you seem fixated on patterns and symmetry is also characteristic.
 
-Pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS)
from wiki, i could say it's mild if that's accurate at all

if i do fall into that category i won't get tested, ... then it just becomes a label forever applied to me afterwards that will hold me back anytime someone looks at it.

yes, i do fall into the category of being less than comfortable around new people, off-set by being able to grasp things (intellectually) faster

i can push myself in the area i am lacking, i know i have to anyway.
 
I don't know. I think I get passed by because of autism, but then I have two great partners right now who obviously accepted it.

Oh and, the vast amount of poly people I know who have healthy and successful relationships use the terms "primary" and "secondary". The thing is, however, they only use this to describe levels of entanglement. For example, the person/people they live with, maybe have kids with, share financial responsibilities with etc are what they refer to as primary relationships and the things without those practical entanglements, they call secondary relationships. It has nothing to do with who is most important to them, or who they love more - it simply describes the relationship you have with someone. Don't get me wrong, to some people, it definitely dictates priority, but you usually know that by the other things they say, eg "I don't want kissing outside of our primary relationship because kissing is just for us". They use these words for convenience more than anything. You will get some Holier Than Thou (which is funny because they are usually Athiests) people who say using these terms at all means you practice "bad poly" or "less enlightened poly" but the fact remains that many of us want those "normal things" and having an easy way to describe that kind of relationship is just that, easy.
 
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the world has a long way to go before people start just accepting people will love whomever they wish to love in whatever way they're comfortable with.

following Mono's "poly Vignettes" thread.
from other things i'm reading as well, i think it's a split between the old generation set in their ways about proper love, and newer folk being curious even if they won't do anything themselves.

still leaves lots of room for improvement, especially when you hear how many people cheat and won't tell their significant other because of their own urges and fearing their partner would freak.
 
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