Redpepper's journey

Well he didn't get that way on his own, ya know. Good parenting! Children really should be one's opus. The time and effort and tears are all well worth it! The payoff is better than ANY piece of art/work! Good job, mama!:)
 
Things are settling this week. I am anxious about my upcoming date with Leo, but it's far enough away that it just lingers in my mind rather than causes too much stress.

I had a week of things being somewhat back to normal in terms of daily routines and lovin'.

I have significantly chopped my social calender and have decided that, for now, other people can contact me to do stuff. No poly event planning for me. I realized a few weeks back that most of my community has branched off into like-minded groups and are all hanging out doing their thing within the larger group. My planning events for everyone has become almost embarrassing for me, at this point, as I realize I am not part of what goes, onout side of what I plan. I am in my tribe of loves and that's that.

I had an interesting comment this week from a friend. She said that I am known as the one people go to, to get straight-up frank thoughts on relationships. While I like that, it makes me feel like I need to work on being more fun or something. Actually, it made me feel proud, yet like I am a threat. I mean, grrreeeeaaattt, so people only come to me when they feel strong enough to hear my frank opinions? Awesome! That is just fucking awesome. Sooooo, where in that do I get to talk about my own thoughts about my own life? Get support from others one-to-one? Get the same frank opinions in return? I tire people out, I think. I tire my own self out, for fuck's sake.

I seem to be ranting... not my intent today. Back to what I was talking about.

So, I realized this week that everything is okay where it is for now. I know I said that before, but I am feeling it this week. I love my men immensely. I love their humour, their teasing, planning, banter, consideration for one another, respect for each other and me. I could go on and on. I love fucking them. That was a biggie this week. I am a fortunate woman to have two men at my beck and call whenever I am horny. I don't take that for granted. They are dedicated to my sexual health. ;)

I realized also, after several long emails to Leo, that he and I will never have a bond like I do with my other men. He is not bond-worthy on the same level. I spent a good deal of time laying out expectations of having my needs met with him, as we are now embarking on the journey of this non-sexual relationship, having dealt with the shit we caused by crossing the threshold of something more. We are making our own boundaries. He is not able or willing to fulfill a lot of my needs. There is an imbalance there that we are working out, as I meet all of his as a secondary. A very secondary secondary. He fills out only a few points.
 
Hi RP,

Well, for what I am worth, you can always talk to me. You know, I tell it like I see it, too. :D
 
These are good realizations to have, Redpepper. Perhaps all the running around and planning events was a way to connect with everyone and satisfy a desire to be with people. What often happens though, is that when you're the person who's always got the reins and organizing things, it appears to put you in a leadership position, and then people might feel separate from you, or look up to you for "leader"-type things, like advice. Now you can find new, more relaxed ways of connecting with them, sit back, let your friends relate to you as peers and you'll likely be able to get more of what you need from those connections, more of the tender, sweet sides of people, instead of being the one who always pulls it all together. Sounds like a good move to me.


He is not able or willing to fill a lot of my needs.

Hmm, isn't that the beauty of polyamory, though? One person doesn't necessarily have to fill many needs when there are other partners who can. Unless you mean Leo can't fulfill what you would need from him?

Looks like you're doing good work on yourself, getting clear on things.
 
Hmm, isn't that the beauty of polyamory, though? One person doesn't necessarily have to fill many needs when there are other partners who can.

Unless you mean Leo can't fulfill what you would need from him?
Yes, exactly! This is my point.

My biggest need from anyone is to be in touch. He has told me this is not possible. He thinks about me, but is not willing to make an effort to keep in touch to plan dates, chat on line, email. As most of you know who read regularly, I don't do LDRs for this reason. No contact or conversation=no connection=no point, to me. It's bad enough that we are to have no physical contact, but no contact at all unless I seek it out (even then he often doesn't reply) means there will be nothing down the line. Ah well.

It has been in the past that I have gone about my business during the month. I intend to do that, and just let it peter out, if that is what is to happen. Not much I can do and really, what is the point? Even the email I sent to all the partners in our families about upcoming camping plans this summer was not answered... as I said in my last post, I am taking a back seat on planning shit. It seems obvious that I am not meant to, at the moment.

Onwards and upwards. :D
 
Hi RP,

I feel like we have a lot of the same requirements in what we look for. For me, a lot of it is about that connection. I'm struggling with that right now too. I don't want to be stalkerish, but I like to know what that person is doing. I like the communication. I like to be contacted first, or yes, at the very least, replied to.

I wish the best for you as far as the planning goes! Sounds exhausting and frustrating!
 
Sigh... I've just been triggered by a thread. It's been a long time since I've had that happen. I am feeling weepy, angry, frustrated all over again about the mono/poly issue.

What the hell am I going to do two workshops about this summer?! I have no idea how to compose a workshop that brings some kind of hope to others on the mono/poly front.

First things first. Get through the emotions. These things come together when emotions are not present.
 
Maybe it's best not to try and bring hope to others, but rather to be brutally honest that everything isn't peaches and roses and there are very real issues that can come up, that people going into mono/poly relationships should be aware of.
 
Maybe it's best not to try and bring hope to others, but rather to be brutally honest that everything isn't peaches and roses and there are very real issues that can come up, that people going into a mono/poly relationship should be aware of.

I agree with Derby. Be honest about mono/poly. No harm can come from laying it all out.

I think I just read the thread that triggered you. Good advice, by the way. :)
 
Sigh... I've just been triggered by a thread. Its been a long time since I have had that happen. I am feeling weepy, angry, frustrated all over again about the mono/poly issue.

What the hell am I going to do two workshops about this summer? I have no idea how to compose a workshop that brings some kind of hope to others on the mono/poly front. First things first. Get through the emotions. These things come together when emotions are not present.

Might I suggest something too, RP? Not to argue with our dearest Derby and Mon, but, on the other side of the coin-- life has ups and downs.
Mono/poly relationships have ups and downs. You've just experienced one of those downs, so you are fully conscious of that reality. But if you consider it, you are also aware of the ups, AND that life in general does that.

In fact, mono/mono relationships experience ups and downs. Poly/poly relationships experience ups and downs.

So, what you've gone through is NORMAL, par for the course OF LIFE. ;)

What's hard is that you are attributing your own thoughts about what is "right," "wrong," "good" or "bad" to the situation, and then judging whether or not you are "good enough" to organize a workshop that others will attend about this life experience (which you DO have) because you have experienced a "down" time.

Who better to share the hope, to show that, in fact, "downs" exist in mono/poly relationships, AND poly/poly relationships, AND mono/mono relationships than a bright, beautiful, caring, sincere, honest and talented woman who HAS EXPERIENCED "ups" and "downs" in all three different types of relationships?
 
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I agree with Derby and Mono. Talking honestly about real relationship issues is what is most useful for people who are seeking support and advice. However, there is a time and place for teaching and a time and place for processing. Make sure you do what is right for you at the time and take care of yourself first. :) Perhaps a workshop about everyone sharing experiences, rather than one where you expose your own relationship would feel better?

Big hugs!
Gemgirl
 
What was the thread? Been so busy lately, no time to monitor things here properly. Hope it wasn't something I said. I got a teeny bit triggered myself with one woman. Not upset for me, just frustrated with people who aren't prepared to work.

I agree with LR. I think workshops being workshops, people are coming for answers. But they're not for a while. Maybe what you're going through now is actually setting you up to have some answers by then.

Hugs

P.S. Don't make me come over there :)
 
Love may not be finite, but our ability to handle the consequences of it are, I think. Maybe you, who seem to be one of most infinitely loving people I know, are banging up against the finite.

I don't think that is necessarily any more poly/mono than poly/poly. Is it not about acceptance?

Some of the deepest wisdom I have come across on poly/mono is on the "Living polymono" group at yahoo. That's not the one I'm always recommending for monos, but a kind of sibling group for polys with mono partners. If you're really feeling stuck, it might be worthwhile joining for some fresh perspective from people who do it very well.
 
Perhaps any workshop we participate in shouldn't be so much about mono/poly, but about people engaging in relationships. This one just happens to involve a mix of poly people with a mono twist.

I think we generate undue pressure on ourselves when doing workshops, because we expect to represent a "mono/poly success." I think a mono/poly success would be where everyone is fulfilled and there is no sense of sacrifice(sacrifice being much more noticeable and constant than compromise). That's not us. We sacrifice. So although we might not be a poly success, we have a lot of lessons learned to share and have an intimate knowledge of issues that can and will come up. We're sharing our experience, not a guide to success.
 
I think we generate undue pressure on ourselves when doing workshops because we expect to represent a "mono/poly success". I think a mono/poly success would be where everyone is fulfilled and there is no sense of sacrifice (sacrifice being much more noticeable and constant than compromise). That's not us..we sacrifice. So although we might not be a poly success, we have a lot of lessons learned to share and have an intimate knowledge of issues that can and will come up. We're sharing our experience...not a guide to success.
I guess I just want to be there and ready to facilitate with more confidence. It's months away, however, and I don't think I will be where I am today when I get to that point. Not to mention the amount of processing that happens when actually putting a workshop together. TONS happens. I remember when I got the sexual boundaries art therapy workshop ready. It moved me to a different place. I feel very confident in that one and won't have any trouble facilitating that one now.

I agree with Mono and his quote above. I think that often in poly communities we expect that success equals happiness and comfort for all. I struggle sometimes with the fact that success does not equal that at all. Success is irrelevant, really. I am just willing to put together some thoughts for a workshop and present them, along with some conversation and questions from others. Really, I am not more or less successful than anyone else.

On my deathbed, I don't think I will be lying there, thinking, "Wow, I was totally unsuccessful with Mono because we never figured out how to conduct a mono/poly relationship." I will just remember the good times and likely will smile at the parts where we struggled.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

Sage, PMing you the link.
 
I think a mono/poly success would be where everyone is fulfilled and there is no sense of sacrifice (sacrifice being much more noticeable and constant than compromise). That's not us. We sacrifice.

If this is the case, then everyone is doomed to failure. Is the sacrifice worth it to YOU? That is the only question that really matters, and only you can answer that. I deem a success as actually actively living it, struggles and all. Sometimes compromises can be reached and other times it will require a sacrifice. My experience has been that even what we consider a sacrifice can change over time and circumstances.

R, you will do great. You can offer some insight and compassion to others in similar situations that you may not have had a year ago, or even a few months ago.
 
Is the sacrifice worth it to YOU? That is the only question that really matters and only you can answer that. I deam a success as actually actively living it, struggles and all. Sometimes compromises can be reached and other times it will require a sacrifice. My experience has been that even what we consider a sacrifice can change over time and circumstances.

RP you will do great. You can offer some insight and compassion to others in similar situations, that you may not have had a year ago or even a few months ago.

Ditto.

;)
 
I think that often in poly communities we expect that success equals happiness and comfort for all. I struggle sometimes with the fact that success does not equate that at all... success is irrelevant really. I am just willing to put together some thoughts for a workshop and present them.. along with some conversation and questions from others... really, I am not more or less successful than anyone else.

That sounds like a good topic right there: How to define success in one's relationships. I'd attend! Things like asking what would make someone feel successful, what attachments we have to being a "success," how to confront others' definitions of success and their possible judgments about the way we live our lives, etc. Lots of rich stuff there!

You'll be great, don't worry. Curious - how long are the workshops supposed to be?
 
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