Simultaneous NRE

I am sorry you are struggling with all of this. Even the strongest individuals weather tough times. Others have given you excellent advice in the other thread, and it seems like your marathon communication session clarified a few things for you. I hope it gets better for you. I would say fight the urge to detach because detachment creates distance. The distance may slow down the thoughts about them, but it is also may cause a void. You have had a rough few months. I hope your back is feeling better, too. Sending hugs your way.
 
Thanks, Ry. I think we cleared the air and learned something about ourselves, the 3 of us. I must have had certain expectations about getting a house with miss pixi and moving nearer to Ginger.

Things are in such a state of flux right now. The best part is my back seems to be really recovering after over 2 months of daily pain I needed to manage with pharma meds. I feel like a fucking drug addict but I think things are changing after 2 osteopathic adjustments and much yoga. t

I am on tramadols and taking ibuprofen too. At least now when I take them, I am completely pain free. Before this, the meds would still leave me with some unbearable pain, which I would manage to numb in the evening with a few drinks. I am normally not that heavy of a drinker. And then I'd still need to lay flat on a heating pad to watch TV. Now, I am drinking less and don't seem to need a heating pad!

I got out and did yard work yesterday! I mowed the front lawn. miss p pulled the cord on the mower for me, which, amazingly, after a winter in the shed, started on the first try. So, I mowed, then I seeded some bare areas due to dog pee, then I pushed the spreader all over the lawn to feed it fertilizer. I also did just a wee bit of work on a couple of the flower beds. I love to garden so much, and I was thrilled my back seemed to be OK with it.

On the not so good side of the day, miss p was down in the dumps and barely moved off the couch, she just played video games for hours. I don't know if her hormones are out of whack or she's just tired out from all the stress around Ginger and Carla, or what.

After I did all the yard work and showered, I wanted to go get groceries. Not only was her coming to the store with me out of the question (usually we like sharing this) she took no interest in planning dinner or a shopping list! So unlike her, she adores cooking.

So, besides the yard work, it was up to me to shop and take full responsibility for food.

I know she was bummed because her new bf/Master is sick, either a bad cold or bad allergies. He is sick in bed, so no overnight date for them this weekend. But he messaged her just as I was about to put dinner on the table, and so... she ate dinner while chatting with him. And she got all smiley and rosy and told me some things about him and her after she got done, that made me feel lack of compersion for the first time. I guess because she'd been so down all day, when I had thought she was going to help me garden, and instead, she cracked her first smile when talking to her new bf. sigh....

After we ate, I was just pissed off at our day and went to bed early.
 
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Well, commentary has dried up on my other thread, so I guess I'll come back here to update.

D&C have started couples counseling. I sent Ginger the morethantwo website link to send to David, since David asked for online info, and he has read bits of it to Carla.

Meanwhile, Ginger and Carla are going hiking alone in a state forest on Thursday. Plenty of room to canoodle there, if you ask me. Hopefully they will calm their jets as David gets up to speed. I think the main goal is just to talk.

Meanwhile Ginger is pretty worried about his surgery. He will go in tomorrow for a physical, and prostate surgery is planned for Monday, with release on Tuesday. He'll have to wear a catheter until Friday so will be laying low and not driving, he thinks. I hope his recovery is quick.

So... this tall dark and handsome guy on okc wants to meet me soon. He is mid 40s, poly, 91% match, and only lives in the next town over. He seems smart, is married and at least somewhat experienced in polyamory. We've been PMing for a couple weeks. He doesn't seem very verbose in typing but I get the feeling he will be more open face to face. So, I'm gonna give it a shot.

Also, I might meet our very own YouAreHere soon! Yay, a poly girl friend. :) Well, she's mono, but her bf is poly.

miss pixi has another date with Master on Sunday, not an overnight. Maybe I can meet next town guy that evening. Would be convenient.

Ginger will probably also see Carla at the drum circle on Saturday. I am not going. No. I PMed her and told her I felt violated by her and David reading my threads here, even though it wasn't really their fault, but Ginger's, for telling her about it in the first place.

I requested a 4way pow wow with them asap. I feel meeting them will give me more of a family feeling rather than a suspicious competitive feeling. I also friend requested David. So, we will if they respond, or how.

hehe I remember when I first messaged her, she asked me, "But what shall I do with my feelings?" Well, we all have feelings, dearie. Sometimes we control them, :rolleyes: if we are adults.

Ginger is coming for a visit tonight.
 
:D

I feel so... infamous.

Wishing Ginger a quick recovery from his surgery, and you all a productive (and healthy) powwow.
 
Thanks, YouAreHere.

Yesterday I wrote to Carla on FB, about them reading my thread, about how she and I are more or less metamours now, and how it seems mature and helpful to me, for us to all meet together and get to know each other.

After all, Ginger has only met one on one with each of them once, briefly, and they know all this stuff about me from reading my thread, and I know about them from Ginger, but I am getting tired of us all getting our info second hand or from IMs. What about good old talking over coffee or tea?

So. Last night Ginger came over 630PM, but he was in a very withdrawn mood; I think more because of his surgery fears than the Carla thing. We 3 all chatted for a while, then watched a basketball playoff game, and then he apologized for not feeling present, and went home before 10.

I told him that I'd written again to Carla. He said she'd told him she'd gotten my message soon after I'd sent it, but she told him she was afraid to read it. And when he told me that, he also seemed afraid I'd torn her a new asshole, when really I was just trying to be honest, but still cordial and respectful. Hurt by them stalking my thread, but wanting to all meet face to face and be able to humanize instead of demonize each other. I think Ginger isn't used to such open communication.

Also, right after messaging Carla, I'd friend requested David on FB also.

So, today I saw she had written back a couple hours after getting my message. She said David had found my thread googling, on his own, and not because of Ginger mentioning me possibly outing them! Hm. She apologized some more for violating my privacy/anonymity here. Also, in regards to my request for us all to meet for a pow wow to get on the same page, she said:

"Being on the same page, let's do that. I admit to being a bit intimidated by the thought of a pow wow right now, but I am open to the idea."

Soon after I read her message and responded, David accepted my friendship add, and IMed me himself! He also confirmed he'd found my thread by googling "polyamory boston." He's in IT for a living an said he is "good at googling." He seemed sincere. He said he only read bits of my thread to Carla, and has stopped reading here and won't be back. He also agreed to meeting sometime soon. Of course, we won't do that until after Ginger gets through the early stages of recovery from his prostate procedure.

Oddly, just now, I googled "polyamory boston" but got nothing from this board in the first page of hits. So, I still don't really know how he just happened to stumble onto MY THREAD. Mysterious. Maybe we can clear that up when we all meet up... sigh...

Well, I feel a bit better just having had my own conversations with the 2 of them. At least they know I exist now, what I am going through, and it's not just this mad rush to a consummated love affair between Ginger and Carla, as if David and I don't exist! We aren't single people, we are poly people, and our actions with others impact our existing relationships!
 
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At least they know I exist now, what I am going through, and it's not just this mad rush to a consummated love affair between Ginger and Carla, as if David and I don't exist! We aren't single people, we are poly people, and our actions with others impact our existing relationships!

Yup! Poly isn't saying "no" -- just "Go slow. Be easy with my heart here. I'm in here too!"

And the more people in the network, the slower you go (to me) to prevent motion sickness.

Glad things are improving bit by bit for you!

Galagirl
 
Ginger's been so nervous about his upcoming surgery, quite distracted and jumpy. He still managed to have his 2nd one on one date with Carla, and said he had a very good time. I left it at that.

The next day, yesterday, he wanted to come here, but I put him off til evening. I was feeling grumpy... but I had a couple hours to myself while miss pixi went out for a mani pedi. I did some self care, and I felt more centered. So, I had Ginger come over in the evening, and we had a pleasant time, kind of rebonded amongst the three of us.

At some point, Carla wrote back to me on FB, despite having told Ginger she was intimidated by me and afraid to read my most recent PM. But my PM was kind and gracious! And she responded in a likewise fashion.

I am guessing she and David are afraid of me because they read words on my support thread, raw sad angry words that definitely were NOT meant for their eyes! Eavesdropping is a bitch, y'all.

Back to the garden...
 
In non poly news, my middle child, a 27 year old daughter, is getting married today. This is not great news to me, but then again, great news rarely comes from her direction. She's been with the guy over 2 years, I've met him a couple times, I don't hate him, but you see, my daughter is mentally ill and has had a serious struggle with her disease, Borderline Personality Disorder, and has struggled with bipolar issues, substance abuse, self harm and eating disorders for half her life. We've been estranged for about a year and a half, because, despite my efforts at helping her and trying to just be her mom, the last 2 times she called me were to demand money, and cursing at me when I refused.

But a few weeks ago, I saw her announce on Facebook, that she got "born again" at her bf's church, and then on Wednesday of this week, she called to invite me to her wedding, on Mother's Day, today. This gave me 4 days to get ready to go to my daughter's wedding.

She sounded manic. Everything is now "incredible." She's been off drugs and cigarettes for 25 days! I am going to go to her regular church service with miss pixi today, then the actual marriage vows will be in the pastor's office. My ex h is hosting a lunch afterward, if he managed to get reservations, because, Mothers Day.

When you have a child, you don't expect these kinds of things. Hard to deal with. I do hope Jesus and this new church community helps her on her journey to health and happiness.

So, I need to drive up to the Lowell area for that. Then drive miss pixi to her evening date in Boston, since her taking the train in no longer works. Then I drive back to my town alone, until she comes home on the train late.

In poly news, Ginger went to his drum and dance last night, and even though he told me a plan he and Carla had at one point, of having Carla back to his place afterward, was postponed ("moving more slowly") I see from our chat box he signed off at 1:44AM, 2 hours past his usual bedtime, and he did NOT say good night before signing off. He ALWAYS says good night to me. It's almost an Aspie ritual with him. I am usually away from keyboard when he says it, but he says it anyway. sigh... I wasn't pleased to see this, when I got online this morning. Breaking our agreements is not a good way to get me to feel compersion for this relationship.

In better news, yesterday miss pixi and I completed removing the sod from a new garden bed we are planning. That took a lot of hours, and my muscles are sore, but I am grateful my back is now better and I can do a project like this.
 
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Yup, as I suspected, he did ask her back to his place and sexy time ensued. No oral or intercourse, just everything but, and as he said "it was very close and connecting."

He did finally have the decency to say he was sorry. Sorry that I am "surprised."

So, on top of this wedding with barely any time to emotionally prepare for, the feelings a mom has around her child's wedding day.... she is the first of my 3 to marry, and gosh, call me stupid but I had always thought I, as the mother, would be somewhat involved in helping her plan her day. No. Last minute and rush rush. And now this, also going against my expectations and what I thought was an agreement.

Fuck. Me.

What is going on in my life?
 
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Hugs.

Wow, that is a lot to take in all at once; no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed! It sounds like you really could have used some consistency in Ginger's behaviour right now, and that not having that has really added stress to an event that already is unfolding in a way that doesn't match up with your ideals.

I hope that today goes okay, and that you and Ginger are able to reconnect in a meaningful way before the day is in full swing. I have witnessed you really struggling with some of his choices in the past while and my heart goes out to you. Broken agreements and selfish behaviour can be very emotionally taxing on one's partners and I know those feelings well.

Sending you love and strength, and wishes for a Happy Mother's Day Mags!
 
I'm sorry that things remain difficult in your life just now.

How was your daughter's wedding? I hope that in spite of the difficulties between you and her - and the difficulties surrounding the wedding that you were able to enjoy some of it.

Sending you hopes for it evening out and becoming more settled in the very near future.
 
I am sorry about everything going. :(

The Ginger and Carla saga never seems to end. It is like a nightmare rollercoaster with gut wrenching twist, turns, and drops. Seemingly more drops than anything. You might have to distance yourself a bit in order to maintain sanity. It does not sound like a happy, healthy dynamic right now. It is like the gift that keeps giving--in the most unwelcome way. What do you think would make that situation better?

I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day and that you were able to enjoy your daughter's wedding. I wish her much success with her new marriage. Do you think you could host a reception for your daughter? Nothing big. Just something to celebrate and to start a new chapter. I cannot think of many mums who would not feel that way about not being part of the planning. It was rushed and impromptu, so there was no time, but it is never too late to make amends.
 
I hope that today goes okay, and that you and Ginger are able to reconnect in a meaningful way before the day is in full swing. I have witnessed you really struggling with some of his choices in the past while and my heart goes out to you. Broken agreements and selfish behaviour can be very emotionally taxing on one's partners and I know those feelings well.

Sending you love and strength, and wishes for a Happy Mother's Day Mags!

Thanks CBG. I don't feel we were able to reconnect in a meaningful way, sadly. And now he's off for his prostate operation, putting him out of commission for a while... bleh. And grrrr....

What agreement did he break?

He had told me that he didn't want to have more sexy time with her before his operation. She was pushing for it, but he had said having a deadline didn't feel right to him. But, good old thinking with the penis strikes again!

I am still quite hurt by this ... shock? I had to suck it up however, and message him after the wedding to tell him how that went, and then this morning wish him good luck with the prostate operation. I'm not a cold hearted bitch, even when I am hurt. sigh.... Sucks to have lost trust and respect for him though. Sucks that he just doesn't get it.

I'm sorry that things remain difficult in your life just now.

How was your daughter's wedding? I hope that in spite of the difficulties between you and her - and the difficulties surrounding the wedding that you were able to enjoy some of it.

Sending you hopes for it evening out and becoming more settled in the very near future.


Thanks, IP. The wedding actually went off great, perfect day weatherwise, daughter was in a white gown like a goddess, and she and her new husband hosted their own little party after the ceremony, at their apartment. Tons of food. Her husband is a great cook. They were really organized to have pulled all this off so quickly!

New husband is Hispanic/black. We now have some color in our lily white family. That is pretty cool. A couple of his relatives came to the party so I got to meet them. His dad and a little niece.

My daughter gave me a silk flower lei to wear to church, I guess combining Mother's Day and Mother of the Bride. She also gave me 2 mylar Mothers Day balloons and a sweet card. And acted all chummy and nice to me all day, wanting to reconnect. God, I hope she stays healthy. She's a great kid in many ways, just sick. She said her drug counselor actually had been recommending this church a while. It's not her bf's church after all. They both just started going 6 weeks ago. She said she likes the Bible study classes even better than the services. I guess they also have a program for people struggling with addiction type issues.

I'd never been to their apartment before. It was cute, high ceilings, big windows in an old building, and decorated artistically. She's talented. Also nice wedding decorations. And so much food.

miss pixi decided not to go to her Master's place afterwards, saving me driving her to Boston. She wanted to keep supporting me, and also to call her mom. She wasn't able to switch gears from family stuff to go do D/s sexy time. I was all keyed up and we stayed up til 2am watching a funny movie on TV.
 
I am sorry about everything going. :(

The Ginger and Carla saga never seems to end. It is like a nightmare rollercoaster with gut wrenching twist, turns, and drops. Seemingly more drops than anything. You might have to distance yourself a bit in order to maintain sanity.

I do feel I am pulling back some. He is not the man I thought he was... I was so hurt and angry on the drive to the wedding, ranting to miss pixi.

Men can really be fucking assholes sometimes. Clueless insensitive assholes.

It does not sound like a happy, healthy dynamic right now. It is like the gift that keeps giving--in the most unwelcome way. What do you think would make that situation better?

Well, I'd like a 4 way pow wow with his precious Carla and David. But all that is on hold now that he'll be post-op for a while. I don't even *know* if it would help. But I'd like Carla as an ally. I think she might get more what I am going through than Ginger does! And Doug certainly will.

I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day and that you were able to enjoy your daughter's wedding. I wish her much success with her new marriage. Do you think you could host a reception for your daughter? Nothing big. Just something to celebrate and to start a new chapter. I cannot think of many mums who would not feel that way about not being part of the planning. It was rushed and impromptu, so there was no time, but it is never too late to make amends.

Turns out she wants to do it all over again in September with a bigger do for more family and friends. So, we will see if she asks me for any help or input. Otherwise, if she is really off drugs I can invite them here for dinner sometimes. I had stopped doing that because she... steals things. I hadn't seen them since Xmas 2012. Yesterday I saw that the nice set of dishes and coffee mugs I gave them then were gone. Either traded for drugs or all broken already? sigh...
 
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Men can really be fucking assholes sometimes. Clueless insensitive assholes.

I can only agree on this infinity percent. ;)
 
What agreement did he break?
He had told me that he didn't want to have more sexy time with her before his operation. She was pushing for it, but he had said having a deadline didn't feel right to him. But, good old thinking with the penis strikes again!

I am still quite hurt by this ... shock?
To me, his saying it probably wouldn't happen or that he didn't want it to happen is not the same as explicitly promising or agreeing that it won't happen. Did he actually agree not to or was that how you interpreted what he said?
 
Your daughter may have turned over a new leaf. I hope your relationship with her improves, and I hope she stays healthy.

Carla and David will likely understand where you are coming from. I would say arrange a meeting.

And yes, some men can be assholes.

I hope Ginger has a speedy recovery, as well.
 
To me, his saying it probably wouldn't happen or that he didn't want it to happen is not the same as explicitly promising or agreeing that it won't happen. Did he actually agree not to or was that how you interpreted what he said?

Cindie, it wasn't a formal agreement, but he seemed pretty against it. I thought there was like a 5% chance it would happen, since he told me it "probably" wasn't going to happen. He was just going to go dancing, he said. I wouldn't have asked for a promise, of course. Mr Free Independent Spirit wouldn't have promised anything.

sigh... I am trying to rest up from the wedding. Trying to take it in, I am someone's mother in law now! I posted pix from the wedding on my FB, and getting surprised yet nice comments and congrats from extended family and friends is making it seem less surreal.

I am working towards accepting Ginger as he is.... he keeps surprising me though. So, it's hard to accept what I don't expect. Guess I don't really know him all that well after 2 1/2 years.

Once he is more healed we will see how this NRE keeps developing and what our new rythyms might be. What is the new normal?

miss pixi has been my rock in the flood of Ginger's NRE.
 
I've been up and down emotionally this week. I was feeling mellow on Tuesday. I accepted my daughter getting married. I hope she and her h continue to mature and she learns to self soothe without drugs or booze or self destructive behaviors. She's 26, and I think of age 27 as a make or break year (famous people who couldn't get thru that year-- Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Mama Cass, Jim Morrison...).

So, Tuesday was a good day because I was pleased my daughter was back in touch and off drugs, at least for a while. miss pixi and I did some major gardening and yard work that day. Also, Ginger came through the operation well. It only took 35 mins instead of an hour. We even spoke on the phone while he was in his hospital room on Monday night. He asked me how I was feeling at that point around the Carla thing, but I refused to discuss it, since he was post-op! He was still feeling fine from the after-effects of his general anesthesia.

He came home Tuesday noon and we talked some that night and the next day, just general chit chat, no relationship discussion, no flirting. He was feeling not so good, hampered by the catheter, woozy, tired.

Yesterday it seemed he was feeling stronger and more himself and we talked some more, finally, about his decision to bring Carla to his place Saturday night after dancing. How it went against my expectations and how that hurt me. I also responded to Carla's last PM from a week ago. Once again, Ginger was nervous about me writing to her. I asked if he wanted to see my message, he said, "Please," and so I C+Ped it to him, and he said, while I toned it down, I always seemed to write to her when I was "pissy and completely out of control." Which felt weird, because I did not feel either of those things. And shortly after I wrote, Carla responded quite positively. Saying she appreciated my honesty and she wanted to keep being in touch.

She's really quite a nice person. I don't have a problem with her, except for her desire to have sex with Ginger asap. I can tell she is having a very hard time holding back. I made sure to tell her how I had to deal with this sudden wedding, and how the snap decision for her and Ginger to have "intimacy" the night before the wedding was adding stress to stress. (to be continued in next post...)
 
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