Wide Awake

Amen I'm with choctaw103, I don't think you're trying to sport some label, you're just trying to clarify what's happened so far. It's clear to me that things seemed to be going pretty smoothly the first eight years; it was the last five years where things got muddled. I believe one can "be" poly (orientation) even if one is not currently "living" poly (situation). Not that labels or definitions even matter, beyond what clarifies communication. In this case, the many posts you write clear things up satisfactorily for me. I just wish you well on your present and future journey.
 
I attended Mass this morning, and the word was meant for me. I never dreamed that a religious message would help clarify thoughts and provide me with a perspective that I needed. I will do a separate post to explain it.

The word made me think about some things. I was thinking about all the mistakes we made, and though I can change many things, there is one thing that no matter what, it might still present problems. I have figured out one of the reasons why I am hesitant to try and balance another relationship again: time. 24 hours is not that long, and when there are four people wanting and needing your attention and you have wants/needs of your own, it seems like even less. Before I open my eyes with the dawn of a new day, I will know that at least 40% of my time is already gone. 60% is left for sleeping, taking care of myself/alone time/hobbies/reading/quiet time/whatever, tending to my husband, and spending time with my children. Where would another relationship fit into that? Seeing someone once a week? It sounds like it sucks.

There is nothing to stop me from making the same mistakes with time management again. The only differences are one child will be at school during the day, and my new work hours will be more consistent. No late nights. No 1:6, 1:4, etc. call rota. I will have more control of my schedule because of what and who I am electing to work with. My daughter's school day ends at 3, so I already have it in my mind that I want to be home by a certain time. The school had a brilliant idea. They have built-in parent/child time every morning before their days begin. It is only 30 minutes, but it is time added to every day that I might not have had any other way.

These new changes would only cover my end, though. There is no guarantee our schedules would ever align. I am working with Matt. I have not worked with her, yet. Along with these new changes brings new responsibilities like helping with homework and being involved in school related happenings, and if school is anything like it was for me, there will be homework in some form every day. I had homework on breaks, bank holidays, and everything in between. One year I had homework the day AFTER the term ended. I had to drop it off at the school. :rolleyes:

I can fix everything I did wrong and someone still might get 20% or less of my time. It might not even be a conscientious choice on my part. Calendars are great, but I have to be real. I like spontaneity in a relationship. I do not want to spend time with somebody because the calendar says so. There are times I do not want to be around my husband. The only people I want to be around every day without fail are my children. I can handle a day or two without being around Matt. I will have more free time, but I am sure it will not be idle time all the time. I dislike the idea of squeezing a relationship in when I have idle time. I can imagine how good it would be to be a time filler.

This is the first time I have thought about this in great detail. The only reason is because on the drive home, he asked me to present what kind of model I would like if I were to try poly again. He wants it to be detailed and spelled out by the day like a custody agreement. I have no idea, but I have been trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening to him again or to another poor person. Living together is not an option. A co-primary is likely unattainable and probably out. I see no model other than secondary that would work. Secondary is looking more and more like a second class citizen with all the stipulations. It would not be balanced. And this is why I am questioning myself. I just feel like most people would have some idea of how to make it work. Maybe I am looking at it wrong.
 
It seems to me that the problem is that you are desiring a co-primary poly relationship, whereas Matt is not so keen on that concept and would prefer that any poly partner be a secondary -- with, as you said, all the stipulations. I guess you have three possible options:

  • accept the secondary partner model,
  • insist on the co-primary model,
  • agree to a monogamous life.
If you insist on the co-primary model, you may lose Matt (and your marriage, and probably face a custody battle). Either of the other two options leaves you less than 100% satisfied in some way. Alas, there are no ways of producing a fourth option that I can see, shy of waving a magic wand and causing Matt to become okay about the co-primary idea.

I could be wrong of course. It's technically possible that Matt would change his mind (for some unknown reason). At this moment, it seems surprising to me that Matt would consider poly at all. He's had all he can take of poly, hasn't he? I would tread that area cautiously. Would he want Si to be a co-primary? Surely not. That seems to set a precedent.

Like you said, there are only 24 hours in a day. Matt is counting those hours. I suspect that's why he wants to know exactly what to expect as far as which hours will go where (if there is a poly situation).

I don't suppose there's any harm in playing out the hypotheticals, but in practice, I would steer clear of any poly situation for the moment. I admit I'm surprised Matt raised the subject of poly; I'd have thought he wouldn't even want to go there. Maybe he sees it as inevitable in the future and wants some kind of control over it ahead of time? It is of course possible that he has detoxed and become somewhat more poly-friendly, but I'd feel leery about counting on that, especially so soon after all the drama and arguments.

Obviously you're closer to the situation and have a better feel for it, so I could be totally wrong but those are my thoughts anyway, in case part of it might help.
 
As a secondary (mind you I do live-in with my other partner and his primary along with mine) I can attest that being a secondary does not mean you are treated as a second class citizen. Yes there are scheduling issues at times (making sure that times that we want are clear with both primaries) but we still get a minimum of one day/night just to ourselves and outside of those times we still get to spend time together. If there are things we want to do generally we just plan on doing them and letting our partners know. Even before we moved in there those things existed. All that changed when we moved in is that if either of sleep alone during the night before (and the other's partner is there) when we get up in the morning we spend a little time cuddling together and we see each other more frequently.

I'm unsure what stipulations Matt has on a secondary relationship and how that may change things.
 
Seeing as how the next 48 hours will be something like a whirlwind, I am doing a post now. After work, I am hopping on a flight to New Orleans. My brother is having surgery tomorrow morning. It really sucks that he does not live in the UK or somewhere closer, but I am not complaining. Family means everything to me, and I am close with all four of my siblings. My children and Matt are not going because it is a long trip but a short stay. I will be stepping off an int'l flight and going straight to work. I am only missing one day of work: Wednesday. On Friday, we are off to Australia for our holiday, so I need to get as much work done as possible. Jet-lag is no concern of mine. I have been around Matt too long because I am thinking, "I really do have this."

Kevin, I was initially concerned when Matt raised that question. My eyebrow was raised, and I was giving him a side eye. I know how he is.

I do not want believe I want another co-primary. That is trouble and bad news. I know myself, and I know it would be far too easy to get off track again. I have learned an unforgettable lesson. I did not believe in hierarchy before. If I decide to do it and attempt to be successful, that belief is going to have to change, or I am not putting myself in that position. I could have the purest of intentions and make of mess of it all. I think even a secondary model is probably too much at this point. I could live with a monogamous life. It was an adjustment in the beginning, but I am adapting and adjusting more and more. I could either suck it up or complain about the mess I helped to create. I chose to make the best of it.

Matt is not going to change. The one way he would is if Si was to stay here, and that is not happening. If she did, she would be 16k km away and not even close. At minimum, it is a solid 18 hours by flight. That is 12 or so to Changi and about 6 or so to Melbourne. I am sure he would go along with it then. At 16k km, she could be anything she wanted to be, and I bet there would be zero arguments from him. No overnights, no dates, and none of the worries he would have with a local person.

He has no problem with me being outside of the home and having a social life. It was never a control issue. It just became too much, and it was seriously like, "Did I see you or talk to you yesterday?" Not in a joking manner either. We live in the same house, and there was no excuse for that to ever be so. Some days it was like, "No, we were both working OT, but when I finally did get home, you were already sleep." It is horrible when you live together and scheduling conflicts only leave you with 5 minutes here and there. I think that is why I am committed to keeping a tight reign on my schedule, making sure we have breakfast and dinner together every day, and making sure we have more than one day a week to play catch-up. I do not want our date night(s) to turn into catching up on family or household business. We have been there and done that. We always used e-mails, texts, etc., but sometimes I prefer to talk face to face. That was sorely lacking.

I can see how it got to be too much. We already had one child. Granted, she was older and more independent when our son was born. As we all know, when a baby's born, your only priority is what the baby needs and sleeping when you get the chance. Most fathers do get neglected after the birth of a new child. Even more so when you are nursing. Add another relationship, returning to work, his career, maintaining a home, caring for the child that was already there, and it becomes easy to see how we ended up with so little time.

I am hesitant to get back into a relationship with Si right now or any time soon. I am steering clear of it. The good news is she is understanding and patient. I want to see how our new schedules will work out and how we balance the things that are on our plates before I even entertain the notion of a second relationship. My marriage is still requiring all of my attention. He is talking to me and opening up, but we have a long way to go. I am looking forward to meeting potential new therapists on Sunday/Monday. We had a month long reprieve because I burned out from processing and exploring my feelings, communicating, and everything else. I am ready to resume now.

He does see it as inevitable. It does not matter what I say. I know that look of, "Yeah, rightttt." He does not care for the idea, and I have been made aware. His reluctance to even settle into a monogamous marriage was a clear indicator that it is still on his mind. I do not blame him for wanting to have some type of idea as to what is crossing my mind. It helps knowing what he is and is not okay with. I asked him last week what he viewed as the drawbacks and negatives. They were things I pretty much knew and agreed with when I was in his shoes.

I saw Si yesterday. We had lunch with her. It was a Bank Holiday for us. We just had one a few weeks ago. I am not complaining because it was gorgeous day, and I spent it with my children. It was really good to see her and spend time with her. My children were happy to see her. Surprisingly, Matt did not have a problem with it. I asked to make sure he was really okay with it, and he just said, "That issue is worked out." Meaning she is not in the role of a third parent and is more of an aunt. He is happy with that. She is happy with it because she can still be part of their lives.

Si and I talked over lunch. We walked back to my house because it was nap time for the little duckies. I invited her over, and we had tea and just talked while they were sleeping. She showed me her new flat. It is very contemporary, and I love the colour scheme and overall design. She has impeccable taste. She seems excited about being somewhere new. Things with us are going really well. We do not see each other every day, but I do try to set time aside to grab lunch with her, get manicures, and we text every day. She invited me to a spa break at this place about 1.5 outside of London. I need to check with Matt to make sure he is okay with it, has no plans, and just to see how he feels. I am going over to her place after we get back to help her pack and for our bi-weekly movie night. It should be fun. We have not set a date. We will be back on the 9th, but after travelling all day, the bed will be my best friend until Monday morning. All in all, things are good on that front. I am still no closer to figuring out what I want unless I can figure out a way to make it work.

Things are improving with Matt. We cooked dinner together last night. I know his love language leans more towards the physical touch from time to time. He wrapped his arms around my waist and was kissing my neck. Cooking can be very sensual especially when you are feeding each other. After dinner, he was watching ESPN, and I was working on my thesis. I made sure that some part of my body was touching him. He seemed happy with that. We talked before he went to bed. He told me about his day, asked me about mine, and he opened up a little more. I have not read his letter, yet. He asked me to read it while I am alone and can focus. While I am in the friendly skies tonight, I will open it, read it, and start replying to it.

I am off to the gym and to a yoga class. I want to get them out of the way before my children and husband wake up.
 
So, no co-primary plans; secondary only. I imagine you can work out by degrees what secondary will mean in detail to you and Matt. Keep the communication open, that is probably the most important thing.
 
So, no co-primary plans; secondary only. I imagine you can work out by degrees what secondary will mean in detail to you and Matt. Keep the communication open, that is probably the most important thing.

Mmhm. I do not see how a co-primary would work now. I have to be realistic. Time would not allow it, and I get the feeling needs would go unmet if I attempted that again. I am not comfortable with the idea of clicking my red ruby slippers and wishing that everything would balance out in due time. That would be a recipe for disaster.

I am not overly worried about the degree right now. He posed the question, and it made me think. It is the last thing on my mind. I have thought about what it would mean for Si. Technically, it would be a demotion. It is not to say that she is not still of major importance, but resources and time will inevitably prevent a healthy or balanced co-primary relationship. I realise that this model goes against the natural shape the relationship took for the greater part of 12 years, but some changes will likely have to be made.
 
I'm sure the transition won't be easy, but there have been so many changes in recent months. This is something for Si to think about too: She will probably be a secondary (if a poly partner at all in this family).
 
Mmhm. I do not see how a co-primary would work now... I have thought about what it would mean for Si. Technically, it would be a demotion. It is not to say that she is not still of major importance, but resources and time will inevitably prevent a healthy or balanced co-primary relationship. I realise that this model goes against the natural shape the relationship took for the greater part of 12 years, but some changes will likely have to be made.

Well, people and circumstances change. Your career ramped up, you had kids! Kids take a lot of time and energy, even with a full time nanny, I guess.

I am not clear, is Si moving to Australia or not? You talked of her new apartment and helping her pack? :confused: If she's not moving when you do, all this talk is moot.

You're still having twice a week movie nights, lunches, spa/mani-pedi days, chats over beverages. Sounds like she's still getting a lot of your time, despite her unclear status! Sort of like a non-sexual gf, it seems. More than a best friend, because of your history.
 
Well, people and circumstances change. Your career ramped up, you had kids! Kids take a lot of time and energy, even with a full time nanny, I guess.

I am not clear, is Si moving to Australia or not? You talked of her new apartment and helping her pack? :confused: If she's not moving when you do, all this talk is moot.

You're still having twice a week movie nights, lunches, spa/mani-pedi days, chats over beverages. Sounds like she's still getting a lot of your time, despite her unclear status! Sort of like a non-sexual gf, it seems. More than a best friend, because of your history.

You are right, Mags. Things do change. I was with my children all day yesterday, and when I finally did get to bed, I fell asleep within minutes. I am not cut out for being a stay-at-home mother. That much is clear. I have a new level of respect for our nanny. My oldest kept me on my toes from about 7 AM until she took a nap around 2. My son is low maintenance. I was thrilled that it was not raining yesterday. After about hour two, I could not wait to get them out of the house and into something. It was a fun but very exhausting day.

Yes, she is moving. She is moving a couple of weeks before us, which is probably why it came up. It made me think, "How would I balance the two and avoid the same time management issues?" That is why a co-primary is not something I could realistically pursue. Relationships do change over time.

Non-sexual g/f is probably about right. Not just friends but not quite lovers. She actually is not getting that much of my time. An hour or two here or there is what it amounts to, and it is not always. For example, I might have seen her once last week. I know I talked to her via text every day. The way everything is now, we only have time when Matt is at work, out of the city, already has plans, or if either of us have no other plans. For example, if our schedules permit, we sometimes meet up for lunch. Yesterday he was at work, so we had lunch with her, and she came over after. If he had been off, the day would have played out differently. We got manicures one day, but it was when he had taken our children to a play date. We went to afternoon tea, when he was away on a trip. My children and I went to a play with Si, when he was having drinks with his friend. We had movie night one night when he was at a stag. I would not feel comfortable basing a relationship on whether or not Matt has plans and his social life. That is poly hell in the form of a "primary" running things. There are no scheduling conflicts because the two sets of plans never coincide. Now, there is never a point where I am out with her, and he is at home by himself or just with our children. That is just kind of the cards are continuing to fall. It works now because he cannot say anything. I am not missing any time with him. It is not taking anything away from our marriage. My children and I still get to see her. She is not infringing on him being a parent. There is no sex, and we have had one overnight stay since the fallout. She slept in another bedroom. He was on a trip when it happened, but he had given the okay for it.
 
you never know

things change -- drastically sometimes -- even matters of the heart. Even after the situation come to long overdue boil over. When everyone feels respected and understood, then as if some miracle suddenly you all understand each other, I have seen people with the most toxic of bad blood between them and six months later seem as if they got a transfusion that nobody is allergic to.

Stranger things have happened, but I swear sometimes it's as if a light switch gets turned on. When there is respect felt, you all feel understood AND you honestly understand the others it's as if any configuration works. Whether is a hierarchy or some sort of triad doesn't matter, in fact trying to figure out how or why it works gets lost or hard to pinpoint with labels.

But it does happen

The one time I witnessed it was a situation similar to yours, only the married couple actually went through a divorce, and the unicorn and the wife remained friends although they were no longer "intimate" ( they seemed just as close as ever to me, but evidently there was no longer a sexual aspect) A year later and not long after the the courts granted them a divorce the husband and wife were back together. Sixth months after that it was the husband that pushed them back together by encouraging intimacy between them.

I was never really close with them so I can't say what seemed to soften all hearts, but they did appear to be different people. I don't know how, but it went from people feeling they had to defend what little was left of the relationship while the other felt she had to fight for the little involvement which always felt like not enough. Less than two years later their dynamic was all of them being consciously aware, nobody defensive nor offensive, they were now looking out for each other. According to them it only took minimal amounts of time to make sure the other felt respected. Each felt understood by the other and all of them began to understand, for some reason now they could see how behaviors each of them justified years ago were done from a place of hurt. These days they say they don't know how they could have possibly not knew those seemingly justified behaviors were what brought the house crumbling down.

"It was like I was blind..."

of course each of you may think I was crazy or making this up, but it did happen. Some relationships are just incompatible, and people truly are happier apart, but sometimes mistakes are made (actually, always mistakes are made it's part of being human) it's what you do after you make them that counts.
 
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Home Where I Belong

Hello, hello, hello!

I am in amazing spirits despite travelling for a close to 18 hours from Tuesday night to this morning. I should be bloody loopy, drained, and jet-lagged but I am quite wonderful.

I arrived in New Orleans on Tuesday night around 11 PM, and I was acting like a tourist as soon as I stepped on to the pavement! The minute I stepped off the jet, the heat and humidity hit. It was SO hot. We cleared customs with ease, as we had arranged Meet and Assist upon our arrival. Car service was waiting to take us to our hotel, too. I love travelling like that. I am big on organisation and making things easier. We were driven into the city. Our hotel was located in the French Quarter, and the service was impeccable. Upon arrival, they had champagne and beignets, and we received gift baskets with things like Tabasco, Cafe du Monde beginet mix, Tony Chacheres seasoning, and all kinds of little things that were Louisiana made. After working a full day AND travelling for a bit under 9 hours, I was exhausted. I took a bubble bath, called Matt to say good morning and to let him know I had arrived safely, talked to our children, and went to sleep.

Yesterday, we had to be at the hospital for 8:30 AM. My mum, dad, and younger brother flew in with me. We were there for moral support. Everyone on staff was so friendly and welcoming. Everyone from the associate who came to wheel my brother into surgery to the nurse anaesthetist to one of the doctors on the team who was going to be present for the surgery. I was full of nervous energy, and I almost paced a hole in the floor. I was like, "It has been 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour, two hours..." In the middle of us sitting in the waiting area, a fire alarm went off, and there was a message about a code red in some department of the hospital. The fire truck pulled up in front. To a waiting room full of concerned family members who had not heard a peep about their relatives in surgery, it was a tense moment. There was a couple who were there waiting to hear word on their seven week old baby. The worry was all over the mum's face, and when she and her husband were called back to recovery, you could see the worry melt away. Working on the other side of the authorised access door and switching to be a concerned family member was interesting. My hubby and Si kept me pretty calm. They had asked to be updated as frequently as possible because my brothers are their brothers, and they were both concerned. I know my brother appreciated appreciated all the love that was surrounding him.

After about three hours, the doctor came out. After another hour, we were finally called into recovery. My mum and dad went back to see him. I stayed with my youngest brother, and then, we all got on the elevator and went up to his room. He was tired and slept quite awhile. I was happy to see him. The rest of our time at the hospital was spent monitoring him and keeping a watchful eye. He was able to leave once he could drink and keep down 4 oz. He had been administered Ondansetron, pre-op, and was intravenously given meds to counteract nausea during the surgery, as well. I am happy that he is okay and made it through surgery with no complications.

I said my good-byes and headed to the airport. By 6:30, I was in the friendly skies and heading back to London. I made it back this morning. I was driven from Luton Airport to home. I had tea and caught up with Matt and our children before I left for work at 10:15. By 10:30, I was strolling into work, fresh off an international flight, and ready to start my day. I worked until about 6. My day ended at a decent time. (Yay!) Matt had just walked in right before me. We decided to push our date night back to Sunday, since we are leaving for Melbourne tomorrow.

I spent a quiet evening with my hubby and children. We put them to bed about an hour and a half ago. Matt is in his home office, and I am still trying to pack. I procrastinated like I forgot this holiday was coming up. :eek: When we arrive, it will officially be winter, so I had to take that into consideration and re-pack. Australian winters are not quite like UK winters with snow, ice, and freezing temperatures. 7-14 degrees is chilly but not freezing.

I am off to finish packing and make a checklist. I will be doing another post regarding some decisions I have made, as well. :)
 
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Wow...I admire and at the same time feel sorry for your jetset lifestyle at the moment. So much to do and so little time.
 
Wow...I admire and at the same time feel sorry for your jetset lifestyle at the moment. So much to do and so little time.

If it was not an immediate family member, I would not have been there. I know what can go wrong during surgery, and if it was a minor operation, I probably would have been like, "I will support you...from a distance." I know he loves his career and seeing the world, but I will be glad when he lives on this side of the world or somewhere closer.

No need to admire it. It was fun during my younger days, but I only want to travel every so often now. I also only want to travel to places my children will enjoy. I had no plans of travelling outside of the holiday we planned that technically begins today and our family holiday to one of the Disney's. Disneyland in California or Disney World in Florida. After the move, I will be grounded until further notice.

I am happy I went. He was shocked to see me. I am very family oriented, so I put sanity on the back burner and followed my heart. Would I attempt that trip again? Not under sane circumstances. :)
 
Time zone whiplash. :eek::D

Glad everything went OK with your brother. While I'm kinda partial to Disneyland here in CA, Disney in FL is sooooo much bigger. Dates to stay away from, at least here in CA Jan 1-4, June-Aug, Dec 26-31. IMO do CA if the kids are little (5 and under) and save FL for when they are a little older, don't need naps and won't ask to be carried anywhere - or combined either with a business trip.
 
Sounds like your brother's surgery went well, glad to hear that. Hope you continue to have good luck in your travels.
 
Time zone whiplash. :eek::D

Glad everything went OK with your brother. While I'm kinda partial to Disneyland here in CA, Disney in FL is sooooo much bigger. Dates to stay away from, at least here in CA Jan 1-4, June-Aug, Dec 26-31. IMO do CA if the kids are little (5 and under) and save FL for when they are a little older, don't need naps and won't ask to be carried anywhere - or combined either with a business trip.

We went to Disney World last year. I was hoping my daughter would forget about it. She did not and has been wanting to go back since the day we left.

I honestly enjoyed Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure more. Disney is great for nostalgia, but it was so compact. I loved riding Its A Small World. It took me back to my first trips to Disney. When we were there, Fantasyland was incomplete. I do want to see the finished product. I was not trying to spend two back to back years at Disney World. I am pushing towards Disneyland now. :D
 
Good morning and happy Monday!

We finally arrived on Saturday night. The first flight was a few minutes under 12.5 hours. The second flight was about 6 hours. When we got to our hotel, after dinner, it was a done deal. The bed and I had an unbreakable date. Hubby dearest did not wake up until well after 10. He was out for a solid 11 hours. The layover helped to combat jet-lag for everyone in our travelling party. I was in motion the entire layover, and I was close to a window to be exposed to sunlight. I was happy to be on the ground after those flights.

My MIL and FIL landed about 35 minutes after us. She actually hugged me, which made me paranoid like, "Are you going to inject me with something real quick?" Matt was giving me that look like, "Please." I know she is not my biggest fan. She seems to like me now that I am not with Si. :rolleyes:

Sunday was interesting. We went grocery shopping, so that we will not have to eat out every single day of our holiday. Our suite has a full kitchen, and I want to utilise it. I do not want takeaway or fancy dancy restaurants every day. Give me a cheeseburger and some fries. I am actually cooking breakfast today. We explored the city and held the first three consultations at unusual locations. I feel stifled and confined when I am stuck somewhere. It makes me uncomfortable. We met the first one for tea. We met the second one over lunch. We met our favourite one over dessert at a local bakery. I seriously believe we might have found our new therapist. We loved her style, her plan for us, and just her overall vibe. We clicked with her. We also chose to meet outside of their offices so that they could see how we interacted and communicated in informal settings.

With therapist #3, Matt and I got on the subject of things that will be off-topic for the next week. She kind of raised her eyebrow, but I knew she was listening. He does not want to talk about anything dealing with poly, anything involving my ex, and no one outside of our marriage or core unit as a family. I will respect that. She asked him, "Why?" His response, "This is the first extended, private holiday we have had since our honeymoon. Most holidays, her ex was around. Instead of being able to enjoy one-on-one time with my wife, schedules were still in effect on romantic getaways. At certain points, I was sleeping alone like at home. We visited some of the most romantic places in the world, and I had to enjoy them alone. How am I supposed to feel about that?" We could tell that was a sore spot for him. I could tell she wanted to explore that some more, but we left that topic alone.

We went back to our hotel. I could feel that he was kind of distant due to bad feelings being stirred up. I gave him space and let him know that I was there if he wanted to talk. He actually did come to me, and we talked until we had to leave to go see a play. I am kind of glad that he chose to come to me and discuss why this particular holiday is important to him and why he does not want to discuss anything outside of us. During the week, we are weighed down by the laundry, the schedules, children, work, and everything else. We finally have one full week of uninterrupted time to bond and reconnect. I mirror his thoughts in wanting to focus on us. If I wanted to talk about everything else, we could have stayed where we were. I wish I could refute what he said, but truth is, that is very much the way it happened. Usually at my insistence. "Do you mind if she comes with us? You will not even know she is there." By me asking that, it apparently threw any plans he had made off course. That romantic dinner for two overlooking a cliff in the Seychelles? Cancelled or rescheduled for another night. I cannot imagine how that must have felt. The thing with Matt is, he puts all of his heart and effort into planning things and tailoring them to my liking. He is thoughtful like that.

I now know why and how he has mastered the art of surprise getaways. It was partially out of love and wanting to surprise me, but the other part was so that my ex would not have the chance to join or interrupt. Now, I understand his holidays within a holiday. Prime example. I was in San Francisco for our anniversary week and Valentine's Day. He had taken the week off to spend it with me and our children. He had an inkling that she would be there, so he planned a getaway within my business trip. We left for Cabo San Lucas on the morning of Valentine's Day and returned over the weekend. That did not sit well with my ex. During their argument, she brought it up. She thought it was a slap in the face, but it was really him just wanting some time alone with me--without her being anywhere close.

I cannot get mad at Matt for any of his tactics or surprises. I contributed to it because if I had acknowledged that, "Hmm. Maybe he wants a full week alone with me," he would not have felt this way. No sense in rehashing the past. We have to move forward. FTR, I enjoyed our little mini anniversary/V-Day break. I am sorry that she feels/felt like it was something to spite her. I do not believe that. Regardless as to the motivation behind the trips, I believe they came from a sincere place. I cannot speak for him, but I enjoyed myself when we did have a couple of days alone. If that makes me a bad person or makes it seem like that is shitty treatment of her, oh well. I do not see it that way.

We are meeting three more counsellors today. Unless they can wow us, I do believe we are going with the lady from yesterday. We have officially been out of counselling for a month. We have grown and matured since then. I use this blog to keep track of the progress. I want to go back and be able to say that, "Back in March, this, this, and this was the case. We are in June, and x, y, and z are proof that things are steadily improving." Yes, we have ups and downs, but we are recovering and bouncing back much faster. The situation from yesterday could have easily weighed us down and prevented us from having a great day. Once that was squared away, we were able to get back to our evening.

Nanny J is here, but she is off-duty. We invited her, so that she could see where we will be living, get a feel for it, and have some time off. We talked to her. She went to the spa and did some shopping. I am glad she decided to come with us and that she is relaxing.

A week without discussing poly or even mentioning Si to Matt. How hard is that going to be?

I am off to figure out what I am wearing, start on breakfast, call my parents to check on my children, and prepare for the day. I hope everyone is doing well. :)
 
Sounds like a good trip so far -- :D
 
Matt and I have agreed on a therapist. We met six of them over the course of two days. We slept on it, came up with pros/cons for each, narrowed the list down, talked over it Tuesday, and we made the decision and informed her on Wednesday. We have our first official 90 minute session on Friday. It helps that she has the background information, and she will be counselling us remotely until we move here. You have to love the advancements in technology. We have mutually agreed that a month is a long enough hiatus. I am 100% committed, and my heart is back in it. I needed a break, but I am glad that we are getting back on track. I had burned out.

My ex's birthday was Tuesday. I was sorry that I could not be there with her, but my children and I video chatted with her via Tango. Matt actually got on briefly and said happy birthday and sent her well wishes. She was so shocked that she sent him a text after. They are not buddy buddy, but there is a certain level of respect between the two of them. They are still planning on seeking therapy. I guess the search for that therapist will begin once we are all here and settled.

We finally got to see our new home. I am impressed. The finishing touches are being added. Apparently, in our neighbourhood, the average reno takes about a year. There was someone down the street who added 1500 sq. metres to their home. The construction company, the architect, and the project management specialists have been superb. Seeing our vision so close to completion filled me with joy. The renovations started on 12th June 2012, and we knew it would be a year+ long process. It will finally be done in a couple of weeks. It has been a long time coming.

Now, for the woes and what the hell's?!

This trip has made me even more confused on being poly. I am getting comfortable with the idea of Matt being my said "one and only." I dislike that term. I feel like I need to slap myself back to reality and stop living in denial. Only, I do not feel like I am in denial or even denying who/what I am. I am not sure what I am. I am just really confused. On the one hand, I still love my ex, and there are days when I do miss our relationship and what we had. In 18 days, we would have been celebrating our 13th anniversary. Naturally, it is normal to miss someone you still love. On the other hand, no schedules, spontaneity, and a renewed faith in our marriage have me siding with monogamy. I need to snap out of this. Surely, this is temporary, right?

The past few days have been wonderful. I have not had to say the words, "I would love to stay and cuddle with you, but I have a date." Or, "I would love to go, but I already made plans with Si. I am sorry. I will make it up to you." I love being able to surprise him and vice versa. He is enjoying not having to run his surprise plans by another person and have it cleared or marked on the calendar.

Matt and I have had four days of uninterrupted time together. I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying this. Everything is so relaxed. This is the first time in three months, that he has smiled and laughed every day. No work. No phones buzzing. The one exception was Tuesday when we branched off and gave the parental units a break from the little duckies. I was with my daughter, Nanny J, and our mothers. He was with our son and our fathers. We met up for lunch, and then, we went our separate ways. Our parents took them to the aquarium, and the rest of the afternoon/evening went towards our date. Other than that, we have been together every day. All day. I am enjoying being able to accept invitations to go places with him without having to turn him down due to a prior obligation with Si or with anything other reason/excuse. I love that we are reconnecting, bonding, and talking again. We have done more talking the past few days than in ages. It has been refreshing and needed.

If I am truly poly, why am I adjusting to this so easily and letting it become my new normal? What the hell is wrong with me? Four days should not have me all off track and forgetting who I was. I know I still love my ex, but is it possible that functioning poly is not my reality?

I am off to take a bubble bath and do some thinking. :)
 
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