Wide Awake

Feeling Grateful and Loved

Good evening! Today has been a beautiful day. Not only the weather of our weekend locale but just everything that has been put into it.

Last night, we went to Floridita, which is somewhere that you would probably find on the streets of Havana. Very sultry, sexy bar/lounge. It was perfect because I love to dance. I worked up a sweat, laughed, danced, and let my hair down. Literally.

Hubby and I got home around 1. We talked as I was getting ready to hop in the shower. He asked me to get something off the chaise lounge, and that was when I saw an envelope and a rose on my pillow. I was like, "Aww. He wrote me a letter? How sweet!" I sat down to read it. It moved me to tears. The last page featured a set of instructions like what I needed to pack for the type of weather, what I would need (passport, bikinis, sunglasses, etc.), and after my shower, I started packing. I was talking to Matt and asking questions. "Where are we going? Are our children going with us?" He said I would find out part of the trip at the airport. All I was told was we are spending the weekend in a special place that is close to both of our hearts. I was like trying to remember all of our special places. (I never did figure it out until we were almost there.) He had already packed for himself and our children. He said that we needed to be up for 5 to head to the airport. We set the alarm and went to bed. I knew I was not going to get any information out of him.

We woke up and had breakfast with our daughter and their nanny. She was in on all of this. Our son was still sleeping. My baby was asking Matt questions like me. He was on his George Lopez tip with the whole, "I got this" thing. We left for Gatwick and arrived awhile later. At the airport, I found out that we were going to Naples, but Matt said, "We are not spending the weekend there." :confused: face. I was like trying to map out the location of Naples and where we could possibly be going. The flight was uneventful. I slept most of the flight. We arrived shortly after 10 local time.

We drove along the coast to get to our destination. It took about an hour. I was still not 100% sure of where we were heading. The traffic was not too heavy, and it was beautiful.

We arrived at our hotel and checked in. Matt and my our son stayed in the room. My princess and I ventured down to the beach. I always enjoy spending time with her. The past three days have been much needed. This is the longest amount of time I have been off in awhile. We agreed to meet up for lunch at 2.

We had a nice lunch on the terrace overlooking the sea. I took a picture and sent it to my mum. She said, "It looks like a screensaver!" It really does. I have found another destination on earth where the sky meets the water and appear to be one.

After dinner, Matt and I left the little duckies with their nanny. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I excitedly said, "YES!" We held hands and kissed like we had just gotten married. It was really sweet. We arrived at the Terrace of Infinity. He asked me if I remembered the spot. I did. That was where he found out about my first pregnancy. We were on a family holiday in 2008, and morning sickness was giving me the blues. We ended up in that spot as the sun was setting, and that was when I informed him that our lives were about to change in a big way. :D

Now, I understand why he chose this place. It was a pleasant surprise, and I love him for all of the work he put into it. We have not been here in five years, and I could not imagine spending our 13th anni in a more perfect location. Matt said he had started planning this last year after I was bed bound for our 12th anni, due to being in the post-op period. He wanted to make up for it by taking me away for the next one. I cannot thank him for this. It has been perfect, and we are still in the first 12 hours!

The past two and half months have been intense, painful, hard, and heartbreaking all in one. We have been given a second canvas to recreate the masterpiece called our marriage. I do not know about other people, but when I said, "I do," I intended for it to be something that could stand the test of time and last. I may not tell my husband I love him every day, but I love him. I am madly, insanely in love with him, and I am grateful that he is in my life and that we are working on us.

I hope that we can continue to get closer and strengthen our bond. This weekend could not have come at a more perfect time. When we return home on Sunday, I know I will be ready for the chaos of next week.

I am off to enjoy this glorious weather and the rest of the night. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend. And to the mummies in the States, I hope your Mother's Day is a beautiful one. Mothering Day in the UK was in March, and despite all the hell in my life at the time, it was a lovely day. Good-night.

Ry
 
I was not going to do another post, but these thoughts were like a nagging spouse.

Over the past couple of months, I have had the [unfortunate] pleasure of being in Matt's shoes, and if I must say so, it sucks. I realised how much I was gone from home, and now that the shoe is on the other foot it blows my natural happy high.

When I was with Si, Matt took up all kinds of hobbies and activities. Beers with his friends, poker night, boxing, gym nights, and the list goes on. Basically things he could have done on his off nights or the weekends. He had to get used to sleeping alone. How many people get married to have to sleep alone 60% or whatever percent of the time? He had to get used to me not being there in the mornings. I am realising just how much it blows because though he does not have a partner, he has hobbies and a part of life that I was not part of. I ended up feeling alone and almost empty when he was out. I no longer had anything to do, so I was at home. Sometimes by myself. The only thing he does not do is have overnights with another person. He has them in the form of sleeping overnight in another bedroom. Integrating the way life used to be with the way it is now has been a bitch.

Matt initially refused to change any of his hobbies and the nights they were on. He has kind of changed some, but truth of the matter is, Matt is not comfortable right now and it shows. He keeps me at a safe distance to avoid getting too close and to reduce the risk of being let down if he ever has to get used to sleeping alone again or has to pick up more hobbies to fill the void of me not being around. We do not sleep in the same bedroom every night. He prefers it that way because he does not want to get used to the idea of seeing me next to him before he goes to sleep and again when he wakes up.

Someone on here had it right when they said that he is settling for a watered down fraction of our marriage in order to avoid disappointment in the form of me being involved with someone else. That hurts and saddens me beyond belief.

I can say with certainty that I have no idea to make him more at ease with it being two of us. He is aware of how I feel, but I cannot demand more of his time and attention. I cannot promise him anything. I cannot say, "OMG. I am SO done with poly. Forget that side of me." Just like him, I am getting used to all of these changes and figuring out how to do this. It is a learning curve. In our 11 years of marriage and 13 years of togetherness, it has never been just two of us, so this is a foreign concept and not the easiest thing to accomplish. Those eyeing that door to monogamy, think long and hard. It is not like riding a bicycle for me because I never rode the bike of monogamy, so I have on training wheels, elbow pads, knee pads, and a helmet to cushion the falls.

My relationship ended at the end of March, so I am not in the mental place of even wanting to get back into or even start a new relationship. It is way too soon. Aside from that, my hands are full. I have no more time to give or ration out, so he does not have to worry about me taking up another relationship. I cannot say ever, but if I do, it will be a long time from now. My primary goals are my marriage, working on our laundry list of issues, raising our children/being a good mum, and rebuilding my friendship with my ex. Add in moving 16k km, long-distance renovations, current career, prospect of a new career, working on my final thesis, completing my fellowship, and day to day life, and it is clear to see that another relationship does not fit into that. After the move, it will be helping our daughter adjust to school, making our house into a home, getting used to a new job, resuming counselling, getting to know a new city, making new friends, and the list goes on. All of these things will be keeping me busy and on my toes for awhile. I know what will happen if I have to stretch myself beyond my means. This woman is going to snap like a rubber band.

I am great with how things are. I am freakishly happy, healthy, and living life again. I have my husband back. I have a great friend in my ex. I have two children who mean the world to me, and they are my greatest accomplishments. I have no reason to complain. I am not looking for someone to fill in the gaps or to complete me. I am truly satisfied all around. I am not missing anything. I have no wants for anything outside of what I have at this very moment. This feeling is awesome.

We talked about this last night, and boy, was it ever needed?! It was the first time we had had an in-depth conversation about poly and the drawbacks for the mono spouse since we first met. I had no idea how he truly felt. I know now, and once he started talking, I started thinking, "Gosh, this is my life now, but it is not another woman. It is the things he did to fill the time while I was out living the other part of my life." It would be wrong of me to ask him to give up those things because I feel alone. I am happy he changed some of the things. That will not stop him from keeping me at a distance and preventing himself from getting used to how things are now. I guess I just have to learn how to deal with it and accept it.
 
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There's even the chance that things could warm up with Si again (if Si moves out with you). So it is understandable that Matt is keeping a hold of his hobbies and that. I'm thinking he is not so easily flexible to go back and forth between monogamy and polyamory. He needs those fixed routines.

I understand that it sucks because it is not what you want right now. You want a fuller, more intimate marriage. But unless you can close the door on polyamory completely and permanently, I think there is always going to be some give and take in the marriage equation. Matt doesn't trust monogamy because he feels certain that he can't rely on it to stay around. :(
 
There's even the chance that things could warm up with Si again (if Si moves out with you). So it is understandable that Matt is keeping a hold of his hobbies and that. I'm thinking he is not so easily flexible to go back and forth between monogamy and polyamory. He needs those fixed routines.

I understand that it sucks because it is not what you want right now. You want a fuller, more intimate marriage. But unless you can close the door on polyamory completely and permanently, I think there is always going to be some give and take in the marriage equation. Matt doesn't trust monogamy because he feels certain that he can't rely on it to stay around. :(

I agree. It is not easy. This is the first time I am going from one to the other, and it is harder than the actual work to save the marriage. I have no idea why it is hard. I guess because it is not something I am used to. Change takes time.

Yes, it sucks balls. I do not want him to give up all of his hobbies to rearrange his entire life to appease the likes of me just because I miss him and would prefer to spend more time with him. I would imagine he felt the exact same way, but he never asked me to give up my relationship. I would like to be closer to him and not just on certain days. He does not trust monogamy because it seems like a phase. He does not trust polyamoury because it caused pain and damage. Where in the world does that leave us?
 
Exactly where you are, I suppose. ;)

But seriously, it's a good sign that he's scaled back somewhat on the hobbies, and set more time aside for just the two of you. Even if it's not the ideal you wanted, it still shows that he's willing to stick his neck out a little, more than he originally planned to do I'm thinking.

Trust is a hard, complicated structure to build, and it hasn't been that long since he had completely stopped trusting. I think it is important to be patient with him, even while letting him know you appreciate whatever time (and trust) he does give.
 
Well, I must say, reading all this, from your perspective and from his, that you are very lucky to have him and not someone less understanding.

Perhaps if you are craving more time with him, you could immerse yourself in what he does. I understand that you may not like all of his hobbies or activities, but I am sure that, reading what he has written, he would not deny more time with you. Trying the things he has developed may not only give you more time with him, but also lead you to discover things you may not have known you liked.
 
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Well, I must say, reading all this, from your perspective and from his, that you are very lucky to have him and not someone less understanding.

Perhaps if you are craving more time with him, you could immerse yourself in what he does. I understand that you may not like all of his hobbies or activities, but I am sure that, reading what he has written, he would not deny more time with you. Trying the things he has developed may not only give you more time with him, but also lead you to discover things you may not have known you liked.

I am very lucky!

I have actually tried most of the things he does. Gym time? I was sipping strawberry lychee boba and playing Candy Crush Saga. He works out almost every day in some form. I do not have the dedication. Poker? His friends kind of sort of banned me from playing with them again. Men and their egos. Beat the pants off them and suddenly they are all sensitive and titty hurt. :rolleyes: I dislike the smell of beer, so I have no desire to go to any pubs with him where beer will be involved. Beer is just disgusting. Eew. Boxing? That is right up there with being a gym bunny.

I know he needs time away from me. I know he needs that male bonding time just as I need time with my female friends, so I prefer to limit how much I infringe on his time with his male friends. They talk about sports and other stuff. I love sports, but I could care less about Kobe Bryant's Achilles. That is the equivalent of him getting champagne manicures and pedicures with me and my best friend and listening to us talking about the latest Louboutin's or the vintage Ostrich Vachetta that Brown's has on display. Something tells me he would not care. :D

Maybe we can find something to do together. We have similar interests, so maybe we can take a cooking class or something. I highly doubt I can get him into yoga and Pilates. That would be a glorious day. That would solve some of it. We shall see.
 
It's probably not all bad that you have some separate interests. It seems pretty positive just that you're spending more time together than you were previously.
 
Exactly where you are, I suppose. ;)

But seriously, it's a good sign that he's scaled back somewhat on the hobbies, and set more time aside for just the two of you. Even if it's not the ideal you wanted, it still shows that he's willing to stick his neck out a little, more than he originally planned to do I'm thinking.

Trust is a hard, complicated structure to build, and it hasn't been that long since he had completely stopped trusting. I think it is important to be patient with him, even while letting him know you appreciate whatever time (and trust) he does give.

Wherever we are has no name. It just is.

It is a good sign. He is trying to be a little flexible.

Trust is hard to build. I appreciate the trust I do have and the time he gives to me. I am trying to be patient. Some days more than others. I appreciate him doing it because he wants to and not because I expect him to. I will take sincere quality time over him feeling obligated to spend more time with me.
 
It's probably not all bad that you have some separate interests. It seems pretty positive just that you're spending more time together than you were previously.

Not at all. I am glad we have separate interests. He generally takes an interest in some of the things I like, and I do the same with him. I have been doing that since our dating days. I remember reading up on his favourite team and learning the players stats and watching games. By the time I saw him again, I was talking like a pro. *hair flip*
 
Heh, well I'm optimistic about the direction things are headed. He is loosening up voluntarily, and both of you are capable of relating with each other and sharing interests.
 
Trust for me is watching the follow through on commitments. I have worked on conditions of reconciliation with my husband. Some are as simple as him attending a 12 step program. He lacks follow through so watching his actions matching his words are critical. Seems like it is a matter of time for that to happen FOL. Patience sucks keep walking.
 
Trust for me is watching the follow through on commitments. I have worked on conditions of reconciliation with my husband. Some are as simple as him attending a 12 step program. He lacks follow through so watching his actions matching his words are critical. Seems like it is a matter of time for that to happen FOL. Patience sucks keep walking.

That is a good analogy. It definitely sucks to be in his shoes and see how he has been living for years. If I feel like I have a part-time husband, I am sure he felt like he had a part-time wife. That is a comforting feeling. I will keep walking.
 
Glad to see that you two are making progress. When Wendigo and I first started dating, four years ago, I got caught up in NRE and broke Runic Wolf's trust with lies of omission because I had a hard enough time figuring out my head/ heart myself, let alone explaining it to someone else. I didn't even see it as lying because I was telling what I thought was the truth at the time and then my head or heart would change and it would take a while for the other to catch up. It took a few years before Runic Wolf began to trust me again and there are still areas where I know that he doesn't because I will tell him I'm not going to do something, not do it, and then he'll act surprised that I followed through. There is a learning curve and it's hard not to fall back into old habits, but you'll get there.
 
Actually, I think your both pretty great. The measure of a relationship in my mind is not just the good but the strength of the relationship and commitment to working through the hard times. Every has hard times in a long term committed relationship. in today's society most people quit and walk away. I hope snowflake joins the fight. I think the best things n vs in life deserve the effort.
 
We celebrated 13 years together yesterday. [We celebrate our wedding anni and our dating anni.] It was a beautiful day. My husband outdid himself. We had a very relaxed afternoon with our children. Matt and I went exploring. We picked up little souvenirs, ate gelato, and tried Limoncello from several places. I was feeling a bit tipsy after all the sampling. :p

We had a romantic, candlelit dinner on a cliff overlooking the sea. Complete with a cellist and violinist, my favourite wine, and a menu that was selected to perfection. All seven courses were delicious. After dinner, we went for a stroll on the beach. Hand-in-hand, waves crashing against the sand, and talking about the past 13 years. Our happiest moments, the moment we knew we were in love with one another (I heard Brian McKnight's "Crazy Love," and it hit me at that moment, "This is the man I am going to marry. I am in love with him!), goals for the future, and everything we could think of. It was relaxing to get my feet wet and have fun with him. Before we retired for the evening, I received a very special gift from him. He explained the reasoning behind the gift, and it made me cry because it touched me because it was the most honest and real with me he has been since this whole mess started. I appreciate him, and I love him. It was a very passionate night/wee hours of the AM. Yesterday could not have been better.

Even with all of the work he put in, I felt pangs of sadness, and at one point, I was blinking away tears and not the happy kind. I am not entirely sure why I was sad. So much has changed in our marriage and between us. It is hard not to be sad.

I am still earning his trust back and still wanting a more intimate marriage. We are closer than we were two and a half months ago, and I am being patient. I know I cannot push him or make him trust me. I do not see it magically increasing overnight or even in weeks time. I know that consistency is key, and I have to prove that he can trust me again. I took him for granted, technically let him leave without a fight, ignored his needs, ignored the needs of our marriage, and the list goes on. No sense in listing out the list again and rehashing all the wrongs. I have owned up to all of them and taken responsibility.

The entire day, I just could not help but wonder...what are we celebrating? Nothing is the way it used to be. How do you celebrate something so different and foreign? Toasting a new beginning? Toasting to the future? I do not know what that holds. Toasting to the past? It caused a lot of pain and limited happy times. Toasting to the watered down love with a side of hidden resentment, slight tolerance of who I was, and topped with mistrust? Hell of a poisonous cocktail, but if it fits, go with it, huh?

Why do I deserve all of this after all of the drama I have brought into our lives and the way I have in essence treated him the past 13 years? Oh that is seriously something to celebrate. I should have been celebrating the fact that after my many fuck-ups and the way I have treated him that he is still here with me and fighting just as hard as me. I guess we could celebrate that. What exactly was there to celebrate again? We made it to 13 years, but at what cost?

I think it boils down to me not feeling like I deserved any of this. The entire weekend. His effort. His love. His patience. His understanding. Him giving our marriage another chance. All of it. He put his all into making this weekend special. No detail was overlooked. I appreciate every bit of it, but I cannot shake the feeling that I do not deserve any of it.

On top of all of this, I feel weird about not knowing who I am or what I want now. Who knew mono vs. poly would be such a hard decision? I have no idea which is right for me. In turn, it seems like I am keeping Si in lingo. I have not promised that we will get back together, but I have not said that it is the absolute end with no chance of reconciliation. At what point will I be able to say with certainty that I am either living mono or resuming poly? I just feel like I am never going to get to that point. If I am not even sure of myself and what I want, it is not fair to keep anyone else hanging in the balance waiting on me to get myself together and figure out what I am going to do.

I know I am not supposed to beat myself up and worry about all of this, but I am. I am going to try to get some sleep. We are heading home today. Aside from my sadness, it has been a glorious weekend.
 
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Sorry to hear about the melancholy tinging of things. I think virtually everyone is guilty of some things, and needs some forgiveness. When you receive forgiveness, you don't always need to have earned it; sometimes that's not the point.

Of course, I divide forgiveness into two parts: dissolution of ill will, and restoration of trust. Dissolution of ill will I consider free to give to everyone, and most helpful to the person doing the forgiving. Restoration of trust is a little more complex. It does (should) require the offending party to make things right (as right as reasonably possible).

From what I've read here (on Polyamory.com), you have made substantial efforts to be apologetic and right the situation. You can see that not all of Matt's trust has been regained, but some of it has been regained. This seems appropriate to me, and I believe you did earn it. I believe you'll earn the rest too, but it will take some time. So knowing Matt doesn't quite completely trust you yet is also likely to cause some sadness.

Maybe you have to learn to trust yourself, too. Guilt can be a powerful drug; it can weigh you down, and make you think you don't deserve any trust. Suffer for your sins as needed to get through the repentance process, but not so much that you tear yourself down, and are unable to enjoy the good things you're freely offered. I hope you'll feel better in time, as you prove to yourself (as well as to Matt) that you can be trusted.

In the meantime, if Matt has let go of any ill will he had harbored, then that is nothing but a good thing. The rest can be scary: "He's extending me all this trust, yet I don't know if I can be trusted." Have a little bit of faith in you, as many of us do, and I think Matt and Si both do, and feel a little better as time does its gradual healing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you. Kevin, you are right. I have forgiven everyone but myself. I also do not trust myself or my judgement any longer. I just do not feel like I have done everything to earn his forgiveness or even a second chance.

I actually do not think I can be trusted right now. Guilt has been sitting on my shoulder for the past couple of months. It is way too easy to slip into old habits because they are comfortable. Rebelling against those habits and doing the right thing to aid in the restoration of trust is hard. I do have to learn to trust myself and my judgement.

You know what this feels like? Hoping and wishing that a good and decent person will walk into your life after a series of duds, but when you finally get the person, you royally mess it up because you do not know what to do. That is me. I have this incredible man giving me a second chance, and I have no idea how to enjoy it, what to do, or anything else because I have convinced myself that I do not deserve it. My guilt and lack of forgiveness and trust in myself are preventing me enjoying what is being freely offered.

I tried to give him the gift back this morning. :( He would not take it. It is a piece of art that features pink diamonds, which are gorgeous and my favourite stones. When I asked him why he chose this particular stone, his response was, "You are reminiscent of a pink diamond. Coveted, precious, and captivating." Damn, damn, damn. Stop being so bloody nice.

We went to an exhibit by Rio Tinto last year at Kensington, and I fell in love with pink diamonds. He remembered that, so he worked with one of the jewellers and created a bespoke design featuring those stones. He did that for me, and what have I done for and to him again? Take him for granted, lose his trust, and almost lost him? I still do not believe I deserve this gift. It is the fact that he put so much thought, time, and effort in to creating something special for me. Even after I had been treating him to terribly for all these years. So yes, I do not feel like I deserve anything he is giving to me.

When Matt does something, it comes straight from the heart. His pure intentions and my guilt are not meshing well together. I almost feel like asking him to stop being so sweet and genuine. :(

We talked about it this morning. He thinks I am trying to punish myself for my wrongs and have talked myself into believing that I do not deserve anything given to me. I hate to admit it, but he might be right. I asked him, "Why are you doing this?" He simply answered, "Because I love you." I wanted to shake him in that moment like, "Wake up. I know you see what I have done, so why are you still here and loving me? I do not deserve it."

I need to have faith.
 
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