National Poly Coming Out Day

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nor would it feel good to be the only ones standing up in a room full of thousands of people whom are all sitting down.

I am responding to this thread as an appendix to the current activism thread.

Vampire makes a good point- many will feel this way, but I for one think that being the only one standing up in a room full of thousands is an exhilerating, brave, and meaningful thing to do- because lots of those sitting don't know how to stand up or won't out of fear of being ostracized.

I am this kind of person. I enjoy being a champion for what I believe. I may not represent all, but I make an effort, and it takes all kinds of people to make a world- not just a group that are a community because of their identification with poly and the value system thereof- but a world bent on peace, tolerance and education rather than war, hatred and ignorance.


I hadn't read this thread before- lots of good points and discussion on all aspects of the issue at hand.

Much respect and appreciation to all those presenting their viewpoints as individuals-that's what it's all about IMO.
 
I'm really torn on this one. I can see the education benefits of a coming out day. So many can be reached who didn't realize this option was open to them, and so many can finally get a sense of "the way I feel isn't wrong".

It would really depend on how it's orchestrated though. As was mentioned before, a spectacle atmosphere wouldn't serve to promote education and acceptance so much as a "let's look at the freaks" attitude. I live in NYC where they host the gay pride parade each year and where so many people go to "look at the freaks". It sometimes upsets me as a bisexual that people are running around almost naked, making out all over eachother, dressed in ridiculous costumes, and more are not walking down the block with their partner dressed as every day people holding the hands of their children. Yes, people should all be accepted for who and how they love. But what tolerance are you promoting by making yourself a "freak" in the eyes of the "normals"?

For myself, I also worry about the lack of a clear concrete and universally accepted definition of polyamory. I don't want to be in more than a triad nor could I emotionally handle more than a quad. But there are people out there, even on this forum, involved with three or four or more other loves, ranging from deep emotional commitment to the swingers who call themselves polyamorists and everything in between. While I don't object to their life choices, do I want them standing up and representing me? Maybe not. I think that would actually make it harder for me to come out to more people, if the public view based on this coming out was so different than my own personal approach.

I've come out over time to a good number of people, all on my own, and in my own time. I've gotten varied reactions and dealt with them as they came. There are people I will probably never come out to and I don't feel as if I'm living in a closet by not doing so. It's just a personal decision on my end who I'm comfortable with knowing and who I'm not. Yes, if it was more socially acceptable I might come out to more people. But how does one go about making it more acceptable but by living your life and leading by example? :confused:
 
I'm still torn on this issue. Like Mono, I don't think it's really anyone's business and no big deal to me, but on the other hand, I think people would probably stare less when I walk down the street with both my ladies hand in hand if they knew more about the poly movement. I guess I'm still stunned that with all the press and all the time for the public to acclimate to the gay/lesbian issue, they still haven't quite wrapped fully around it.

A friend of mine and I were talking theother day....I've always thought she was lesbian, as does anyone else who ever meets her. She may in fact be bi. She has many bi and lesbian friends. In fact I may be the only "normal" person she hangs with and I'm poly! lol......she doesn't know that yet btw.

As we were talking she seemed very uncomfortable telling me about her lesbian friends and their kids who came to visit and what other people thought or if they even recognized them as being lesbian. My take was in this day and age what does it matter? She stated it does and people do in fact still lose jobs, kids, promotions, etc because of being gay/lesbian. Jeez, I thought we were over all that by now!

If we as a society are not "over it" on the gay/lesbian issue, with all the press, legislation and activism out there (which btw will dwarf poly activism by light years' worth of galaxies) then what do we expect to happen when a few open marriage, free lovin' old hippies start marching? Small fish in a big pond........
 
If we as a society are not "over it" on the gay/lesbian issue, with all the press, legislation and activism out there (which btw will dwarf poly activism by light years' worth of galaxies) then what do we expect to happen when a few open marriage, free lovin' old hippies start marching? Small fish in a big pond........
Well, there is still a lot of racism around. However, it has been slowly dying out. One interesting poll was on the acceptance of interracial marriage. I think that hen the Supreme Court legalized it, 90% of Americans were against it. I think in the 1980's, more Americans were for it than against it. And support for it grew at about 1% a year.

So I think there are different segments of society dealing with this in different ways and we don't all reach the "finish line" at the same time.
 
If we as a society are not "over it" on the gay/lesbian issue, with all the press, legislation and activism out there (which btw will dwarf poly activism by light years' worth of galaxies) then what do we expect to happen when a few open marriage, free lovin' old hippies start marching? Small fish in a big pond........

Who said anything about marching? Coordinated, deliberate visibility needn't manifest as marching. Activism can take on many, many forms. I, personally, think television and radio talk shows might be a good venue for our coordinated coming out. Just a thought.

Anyway....

As a gay/bi/queer (whatever!) guy, I can say that things are much, much better for gay people than they used to be. I'm just old enough to remember what it used to be like, which is why I know the inside of a closet so well -- from my youth and adolescence, when "normal" people were dating, etc. (At the time, I was primarily attracted to guys, and still am as a general rule with extraordinary exceptions.) It was unthinkable to "come out" (nobody around me was!) so I stayed in. End of story.

Things got better and better for gay people when gay people started coming out in droves. And they will get better for poly folk when poly folk follow suit. There will be bumps in the road. But things will get better. I promise.
 
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Is it yet time to revive this discussion?
 
River,
I haven't read the whole thread yet,
(sorry-I've been WAY busy)

BUT-I read your first two posts and your last post too,

I think YES YES YES.
 
Didn't I see somewhere that every year, there's actually a "Poly Pride Day" in New York City with a rally and all that jazz?? I wanna say it's in the fall....


Anyways, just getting something like that spreading to other cities would be interesting.
 
My first thought was "Oh no". Here's why.

What problems may come of it?

For me, realizing I was poly was a very individual thing. I knew it LONG before I began having non-monogamous relationships, but I was married and it hadn't been on the table.

What really sparked it for me was being true to myself. "I need this" or "I value these opportunities". It wasn't that I had a "safe place" - my home and social networks had, were and are safe. It was about being real with myself. The reason I was "in the closet" had nothing to do with the world around me, it was a matter of that internal dialogue.

Since establishing that I am poly, I make my relationship with myself first and foremost. I can't contribute to a relationship if I don't feel positive and worthy. My second priority is the respect and care of my partners. "Respect" means a lot of different things to different people. To respect my partner means I need to know them, share with them, learn from them. Everyone has boundaries but those boundaries are highly individual.

To me, EVERYTHING about poly is individualist in nature. My relationship with myself, my relationship with others, theirs with me. The synergy, of individuals working in concert, is AMAZING and SPECIAL to me. Ignoring the individual would lessen all of that for me.

So when I see the "Poly Leadership Summit" and "national coming out day", that seems like trying to build a "culture". And admittedly, we sort of have that (we do have out own lingo!).

I have no problem with pride. I certainly want people to feel comfortable being themselves. I DO have a problem however, when it becomes "a movement" or "a group". There's something about that seems... cheap to me.

The practical issues I have with that stem from that concept. I'm an anarchist who ALSO happens to be a political activist. I have NO problem with people grouping or labelling me either positively or negatively. But people WILL group and label and the easier it is for them to group and make assumptions about people, the easier that's going to get.

And aren't the reasons that SOME people feel uncomfortable being openly positive stem from the assumptions they think people have about it?

I've got a pretty vibrant, diverse, active poly community around me. We're all quite open about it and more people are admitting they're curious to see if that would work for them. People who know it's not are asking questions and enjoying listening into the conversations about poly dynamics. The reason we've built this is because we're all unique and individual.

First and foremost we're people. We present ourselves as people. We just also happen to be poly. I don't think we'd get the same reaction from the people around us if the FIRST thing that inspired them to notice us was "we're poly, oh, and we have lives too".
 
To me, EVERYTHING about poly is individualist in nature. My relationship with myself, my relationship with others, theirs with me. The synergy, of individuals working in concert, is AMAZING and SPECIAL to me. Ignoring the individual would lessen all of that for me.

So when I see the "Poly Leadership Summit" and "national coming out day", that seems like trying to build a "culture". And admittedly, we sort of have that (we do have out own lingo!).

I have no problem with pride. I certainly want people to feel comfortable being themselves. I DO have a problem however, when it becomes "a movement" or "a group".

^^THIS^^

I'm not an activist. I just want to live my life. I don't see people as polyamorous or monogamous, as in an orientation; I see relationships as being such. How I choose to conduct my relationships is not all of who I am. Now that I am dating, I do discuss polyamory with guys if it comes up, but I don't even see it necessary to use that word in talking about having multiple relationships. I don't really even care for the word polyamory. If I choose to live a certain way, and I'm a private person, I'll figure out whomever I wish to know that about me. Why should they care, anyway? I don't want to be in a movement, I want to be seen as an individual. It's bad enough I already get judged for my age, gender, nationality, etc. I'm not crazy about being categorized.

I think it's great when polyamorous relationships get positive coverage in the press and media, but what am I going to come out about? "Hello! I like to have more than one partner! I know how to love lots o' people!" So what? Who asked? It would feel like calling attention to myself in a boastful way. At least that's how it would seem for me.

I feel like I can touch others and effect change or bring about acceptance in society one person at a time, just by being comfortable with who I am and how I live, and letting people see that as I interact with them in my daily life -- not by jumping on a bandwagon.
 
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While I appreciate and respect the "individualists" among us here, who fear large scale poly activism, and their expressed points of view, I want to register my complaint against this idea in its narrower formulations.

The first word that comes to mind is solidarity. Through cooperation and collaboration -- and activism -- various suppressed and oppressed minorities have historiclaly succeeded in changing social and cultural attitudes in the direction of more honesty and openness and visibility. And away from fear and contempt and hatered. An obvious example is that of the LGBT movement. And I don't think it is fair to those of us who think polyfolk share in a history of oppression and suppression to treat the subject too lightly. And we're treated too lightly when our concerns are brushed aside as if being
poly isn't at all like, say, being gay. Gay people, like other minorities, have won greater (though still insufficient) recognition and respect through large scale activism. That's nothing to be brushed aside lightly.
 
I understand the need for awareness and bringing about more acceptance of polyamory in mainstream society. Personally, I don't treat the subject lightly, and I am not afraid of activism. I didn't mean to give that impression. Hell, I've marched in Washington for abortion rights when I was much younger. However, I feel now that living life as one chooses, rather than how society expects one to live, is also a form of activism. Quieter, yes, but activism still.

I can make my statement in a way that is right for me, with or without participation in rallies and parades and such. I don't begrudge others their form of activism, I just don't find it works for me. The reason I dislike the idea of a poly "movement" is that a movement then tends to place expectation on anyone who would lean in that direction, and the potential for being judged if not doing it "correctly," or along the lines of what the larger group deems to be the way to do it. I am me and struggling to be me is how I stake my claim in the world, but I don't see waving a banner as the way I should do it. That is all.
 
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I don't think the world is ready for a poly coming-out-day. To be perfectly honest. The groundwork is not laid. Ask a person on the street what they think of poly, and (if they know what the word means at all) they will likely tell you "it's an excuse to cheat." or "Sluts and whores." or "Why bother getting married if you're just going to fool around."

If there is little actual poly-bashing in the world, and if (compared to gays and lesbians) we have suffered little true hate crime leveled against us, it is only because our visibility has been real low and under the radar. That is changing slowly now, and I think that is a good thing, but I think that other events could well be more beneficial before the monogamous majority learn that their neighborhoods are full of scary, culture-threatening nonmonogamists.

In other words, hate speech / hate crime / hate legislation against poly people could very well increase after such an event--- because it puts us on the radar. It will be taken as confrontational and in-your-face. Better to have a period of educational outreach first.

Also because, in my mind, the real purpose and importance of events like these is to educate people that they have a choice. The people who really need activism are the people who were born poly into a traditional monogamous culture, and are miserable and struggling as they attempt in vain to conform, and don't have any conception that there is another way. Let's get the message out to our suffering proto-poly brothers and sisters in the world that "There is Another Way" before we start announcing how many we are.

IMHO.
 
Ready2Fly,

Thanks! That's the first "let's not do it" response I've seen that meets me fully in the middle on the matter -- in relation to the appearance that I'm all gung ho on the idea of a Coming Out Day of major proportions.

It's good to take a stand for or against to test the idea out in dialogue, right? I've long been more "in the middle" on the subject than it may ever have appeared. And yet I do think it is terribly sad -- and wrong -- that so many people feel that they have to hide their true loves from friends, co-workers, family, etc.... And I do think we oughta do something about that.

Thanks for a reasonable and well-reasoned response.
 
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