When it rains, it pours. I think I wrote that previously, and this past week it has certainly been true. Lots of messages on FetLife from guys and one from a Facebook friend trying to hook up. I am not the least bit interested in any of them. In fact, I find them annoying as hell. I am a biscuit away from turning my FetLife account inactive, though the Facebook message was more comical than anything.
I had an amazing morning today -and last night - with PunkRockAwesomesauce. He knows exactly what to do to keep me feeling good. He is SUCH a match for me sexually, I just cannot imagine going back to a time without his penis in my life.
That said, time spent with him nourishes my soul. I leave him feeling recharged - optimistic about my own life goals and joyful that he will be a part of my forever. I can only hope that he feels the same way.
Unfortunately, PunkRock's brother had a relapse and is in the hospital. He has pancreatitis and he went on a drinking bender while PunkRock was at my house last week. So boom, pancreas bitch-fit. PunkRock and he live together, and I know that PRA is worried about his brother's mental health and stability once PunkRock moves out. I like PRA's brother and I wish I could think of some way to help the situation.
PunkRock showed me the stash of Jim Beam bottles next to his brother's bed, when I visited their house yesterday. It made me slightly nervous - I know PunkRock himself is a recovering addict and the thought of him doing something similar was not pleasant to my mind, if you can imagine. That said, obviously they are different people and have different things going on in their lives. PunkRock's brother is really at a low point and is struggling with all sorts of issues.
Oh! Another thing - when I arrived at his house, PunkRockAwesomesauce had clearly been smoking. My hello kiss tasted like an ashtray. I can't stand it - ugh. He was somewhat apologetic - apparently he ran out of his electronic stuff and his brother had left his rolling papers and tobacco. Ugh though. As much as I love him, smoking has always been a hard limit for me with guys that I am dating. Seriously, on OKC, I wouldn't even look at the profiles of guys that smoke. When I taste cigarettes, it reminds me of my father, currently dying of COPD and complications from that, and growing up constantly having to smell terrible because of the secondhand smoke all over my clothes. I would rather date a guy unable to get an erection. Seriously. At this point, cigarettes are the only issue in our relationship that could cause problems. It makes me want to throw up thinking about it. He is trying to quit though, and I know how difficult that can be. So I am trying to be supportive.
I talked to DarkKnight tonight about the cigarettes. I don't know what will happen if PunkRockAwesomesauce is unable to quit. I mean, I love him as he is, imperfections and all. He's my happy. But cigarettes are terrible. DarkKnight sidestepped giving me advice about the issue - he dislikes smoke as much, if not more, than I do. I guess there isn't much to do - PunkRock is trying and I am trying and we'll just keep at it, I suppose.
I have been thinking a lot about my future now, long term goals and such. DarkKnight and always make up a list every January for financial goals we want to accomplish for the year, and we have a shared bucket list that we work on from time to time, when we can manage.
I want to have the same with PunkRock. This is a very important thing for me, so I hope he is interested. It makes my life feel more controlled, anyway. Not so haphazard, if that makes sense. And now that we are committing to being together, I want to share this.
At the present time I am also sort of struggling with how to balance my two lives - my future with DarkKnight and my future with PunkRock. Short term stuff like rent and grocery bills have been discussed between the three of us, but I am not sure how to handle more long term planning. Like, Dark Knight's retirement and those long term bucket list items. PunkRockAwesomesauce has in passing said that he hasn't given much thought to his retirement, and so I am not sure if interjecting my ideas would be welcome. Not that he has said anything that would make me think that it wouldn't be ok to discuss, but it is one of those things I think about. I want to make sure we are in harmony. Life insurance? Medical issues - I want to make sure if something happened to me, he could have some say in decision making. And me to him, of course. I have seen posts of this nature on other sites, so I am going to start reading about how other Vees handle topics like this.
None of that is urgent though. We are still young in our relationship, but with moving in together and talking about being life partners, it rolls around in my mind. Being the type of person I am, I like to have my i's dotted. Protecting and giving rights to PunkRockAwesomesauce so he doesn't ever feel discounted is important to me. Now that I type this, DarkKnight has asked if I want to go to Starbucks with him tonight. I think I will take him up on the offer and see what he has to say. He is usually very insightful and pragmatic about these sorts of subjects and can clear out things that make a mess in my mind.