New to Poly, Already Fucked It Up

I'm Gracie, I'm a 19 year old bisexual female who's become confused about whether she's poly or not. I decided to try it. First I told my girlfriend that I want to try poly and she was fine with it. In fact, she took me out to a club and we pretended we weren't dating unless someone specifically asked. So far so good, right?

My girlfriend and I decided on a no unprotected sex, so I knew that no unprotected sex was going to happen. Or so I thought.

I ended up meeting this one dude and we went to a motel and we were making out and stuff and he recommended sex and I figured he'd brought condoms or something, so I said yes. He didn't bring any form of protection. I had already said yes and didn't want to back out now, so we did it.

I told my girlfriend when I got home and she smiled, I was weirded out, and she told me, "Good. I did, too, but I didn't want to tell you."

A few days later I was hit with a 'stomach bug' but in reality I'm pregnant. I told my girlfriend and she cried super hard, but said, "I will raise the baby, but she has to see her dad. I love you so much, but I don't necessarily like you right now."

I am having a baby with a guy I've seen once who (I texted) wants to help with the baby and lives two hours away.
 
Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)

And just to speak to the safer-sex piece for a second--you can always, always call things off, for any reason. Saying you'll have sex with someone isn't a binding promise, especially when you didn't have all of the information when you said it (you thought he had brought protection). It is okay to take a stand for your sexual health, even if it's difficult or awkward to get the words out sometimes.

Wishing you all the best!
 
Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)


Wishing you all the best!

Kind of putting the cart before the horse, aren't you? These two people don't even know each other.
 
Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)

And just to speak to the safer-sex piece for a second--you can always, always call things off, for any reason. Saying you'll have sex with someone isn't a binding promise, especially when you didn't have all of the information when you said it (you thought he had brought protection). It is okay to take a stand for your sexual health, even if it's difficult or awkward to get the words out sometimes.

Wishing you all the best!

By 'unless they specifically ask' I meant if they asked if I was with someone or if they asked me to do anything with them. And after a weird conversation I found out that he's my girlfriend's ex from highschool And they broke up because she was using him as a beard, but we're best friends throughout all o highschool but drifted apart. They both want to help me raise the baby, and they're getting closer again, so maybe this wasn't such a bad thing.
 
In fact, she took me out to a club and we pretended we weren't dating unless someone specifically asked. So far so good, right?

I had already said yes and didn't want to back out now, so we did it.

I told my girlfriend when I got home and she smiled, I was weirded out, and she told me, "Good. I did, too, but I didn't want to tell you."

I am having a baby with a guy I've seen once who (I texted) wants to help with the baby and lives two hours away.

These are the things that worry me.

Being poly doesn't mean pretending you aren't in a relationship.

Just because you said yes doest mean you can't say no. Let this sink in. You can be in the middle of sex and decide to stop, you say no, you get up and leave. It's ok. It is so ok.

Safe sex is so important and you both are risking your own health and the health of one another.

Secrets are not going to help either of you here.

I'm not trying to come down on you all finger-wagging mom style, but you need to hear some things.

That being said, do you have a support system for you, your gf, your co-parent, your baby?
 
Welcome!

Just so it's said... There's options.
And this is a poly forum.... With lots of helpful opinions.
 
Well... there's missed opportunities.

  • Could have educated yourself about poly a bit more. Poly doesn't mean jumping into sex with strangers. It means dating various partners at the same time with their knowledge and consent, and if some eventually become lovers that's fine. I would shelve poly for now, and if later you want to try again, do more reading ahead of time first.

  • Could have said "No, thanks. I thought you had protection", gone to the store for condoms, or kept it to outercourse only. Too late for those options. Next time remember those ARE options. It is ok to change your mind about (sharing sex at all) or the (kind of sex) at any point in time.

  • Could have sought out emergency contraception right after during the 3 day window. Sometimes a condom breaks and you need to know what to do. Too late for that option in this case, but not too late to educate yourself for future reference.

And there are more upcoming opportunities...

  • Could seek out abortion, if that is an option you wish to take.

  • Could carry to term and do anonymous surrender at birth hospital if that's an option where you live that you want to take. You have to figure out the Safe Haven Laws where you live. Here is LA.

  • Could carry to term and give up for formal adoption if that's an option to you want to take. That's a different process.

  • Could raise the child yourself, if that's an option you want to take.

Basically you have some research to do and then some decisions to make.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Gracie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think all the posts here are good so far, but I especially like GalaGirl's post. Be aware of missed opportunities so you won't miss them next time, and consider the opportunities that you still have. I am thinking it is still very early in your pregnancy, is that right?

I'm hoping for the best for you in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you all for your lovely advice and such, after hours of discussion with my girlfriend and the baby's father, we have decided to keep the baby and that all three of us want to be a part of the baby's life. My mom told me she would love the baby no matter what, as did my grandpa, but I didn't get great remarks from my older cousin, they weren't terrible, though. He said he wanted me to be married to raise the baby or give them to him until I'm married. He says 'it's not good to live with parents who are just dating' because he had to until he was fourteen and hated his dad and thought that was the reason. Actually it's because he was an asshole.
 
Hi there,

Sorry your introduction to poly was so rough. I'm glad for the support you have managed to gather around yourself.

Just wanted to make sure that amongst all the baby drama, you have considered the possibility of STIs or STDs. You and girlfriend both had unprotected sex with people you barely know. My concern is for baby. Catching a new STI while pregnant can be harmful to the baby.

For example, there is HSV 1 and HSV 2. Most people have HSV and once you have it, it stays with you for life, coming and going in crops of lesions every now and again. It's not usually a big deal other than being really annoying. The first time you get HSV though, that can be particularly nasty for the baby. Subsequent reactivations of HSV can be bad for babies but nowhere near the same risk as the first time you catch it. You're young. You have a lot of partners. You could catch it for the first time whilst pregnant. Just something to consider.

Then there's also the possibility of HIV. I hope to god you don't, but if you do have it, HIV is actually something that can be prevented from being passed down to your baby with modern medicines.

Now, as a pregnant lady in what I presume to be a first world country, the doctors are going to run all these tests on you - but they don't run the tests on your partners. So what can happen is, the doctors say you're clear, and then your partners infect you after the test is done. This would be a situation in which the baby would suffer because the primary infection is always worse than reactivation infections. My suggestion is for your partners to get tested and to for everyone to be more aware of the reasons for safe sex practices.

Didn't mean to scare you, but it's just food for thought whenever safe sex practices are forgotten.

Best wishes to you and your soon-to-be new family,
Shaya
 
How far along are you in your pregnancy? Do you live with gf, parents, alone, or some other arrangement? Are you and the bio dad drawing up a custody arrangement ahead of time so that all you have to do is have it legally signed off after birth? In the field of custody - have you decided if you're going to try breastfeeding and how that will affect time spent away from you? He lives 2 hours away, what about emergencies, daycare, etc?

Kids are HARD. Worth it (to most people), but hard. I was 26 when I gave birth, and I didn't realize how incredibly life changing having a baby was until I did it. And my life actually changed relatively little - same husband, same boyfriend, still working, etc., but my career path was completely blown off course (probably never to return) and my priorities changed a million times over. I know plenty of people who had kids at your age and have no regrets, but I also know a few who feel like their lives would be a million times better if they would have made another choice. Financially, emotionally, and physically a ton of changes are headed your way!

Good luck, and don't forget to keep a journal or something so that you remember all the experiences. Seriously. I smile every time my online journal reminds of something silly from when I was pregnant. Eating an entire can of SPAM during an 8 hour shift, my awesome ramen lunches, my coworker freaking out when he realized I was pregnant because I was eating so much weird stuff. Plus all my super vivid dreams and the ridiculous movies I cried during. It's a hilarious read.
 
Just wanted to make sure that amongst all the baby drama, you have considered the possibility of STIs or STDs. You and girlfriend both had unprotected sex with people you barely know. My concern is for baby. Catching a new STI while pregnant can be harmful to the baby.

In most states in the US it is customary to test the mother for STI's during each pregnancy. Just for your own knowledge.
 
After three weeks of reuniting, my girlfriend and my baby's father are dating and I still don't fully know if we're dating or not.
 
After three weeks of reuniting, my girlfriend and my baby's father are dating and I still don't fully know if we're dating or not.

Could talk and get clear on that then.

Are you guys aware that poly doesn't mean everyone having to date each other in a triangle/triad model? :confused:

It's possible to be in a "V" where you date her, and date him, and they know about each other and co-parent. They do not have to date each other.

Why pursue poly at this time anyway? I would have thought preparing for the baby, since you have decided to keep it, is the main priority? And you could postpone the poly dating for a while so as not to pile on too many stresses / new changes all at once?

Sounds like you have your Plan A: You want to raise the baby with GF and the dad.

I hope you also think out your Plan B -- if the dad bails or the GF bails. Then what?

As well as Plan C -- if BOTH of them bail. And you are raising child as a single mom. Then what?

You are responsible for your emergency preparedness. Talk Plan A, B, and C out. So you are all on the same page no matter how things unfold and there's no more surprises. I think there's been surprises enough already.

Galagirl
 
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In most states in the US it is customary to test the mother for STI's during each pregnancy. Just for your own knowledge.

It's true that in first world countries, the mother is tested quite a lot in pregnancy - but most of the STI tests are run only once.

The possibility exists that if sex with a new partner or new partners is ongoing, that you could catch the sexual infection after the test comes back. Catching an infection for the first time late in pregnancy can have serious outcomes on the baby. Not to mention HIV which would just be terrible.

DripDropDiggsManuel, you and your partners have all had unprotected sex. You mentioned earlier that your partner didn't even want to tell you about her unprotected sex. Polyamory, practiced like this, can kill all 3 of you. Just a sobering thought from an older man who has seen too much shit in life.

Best wishes to you still,
Shaya.
 
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