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Old 05-27-2017, 09:47 PM
spexy spexy is offline
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Default Truth-telling (Spexy and Anamikanon)

Since this thread is about truth, I'll start by confessing that, had it not been for anamikanon, I would not have been here, or or any internet forum, seeking help. Again, this is not so much about poly as it is about my personal inner conflicts, set against the background of my relationship with anamikanon.

Some Background

I am by nature someone who goes out of the way to avoid confrontation, both in personal life and professional life, as I mentioned in my response to anamikanon's thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88607). This has often meant playing fast and loose with the truth, even outright lying if that helps avoid conflict. My "justification" has been that this helps keep things moving, maintains an appearance that everything's in order. I have not cared for how this affects people around me, although I do have some awareness of a few people choosing not to trust me altogether, or being selective in how they interact with me. I have actively seen this as a fair compromise, without doing anything to address it one way or another.

Spexy and Anamikanon

Anamikanon and I began our relationship two and half years ago - we were previously acquainted through social media, progressing to private chats. About two years ago, I started at my current job, which allows some flexibility in terms of timings and working from home. In the time since, I have tried to plan a schedule for visiting Anamikanon, but it went haywire given the personal situation in her family. It got to a point where I was flying in and out four times within 30 days. More than the financial impact, I was mentally in a funk about not having any control over my time whatsoever. It was also a tough time juggling work which meant working nights, being generally sleep deprived, and with all the travel, living with a growing numbness.

This hardly made me someone dependable when I visited anamikanon; far from being able to help with taking care of the kid or other things in the house I was on a mental backfoot responding only to specific instructions. With anamikanon herself struggling during this period and generally wanting a break, my behaving like I was on some sort of vacation only led to bitterness and arguments between us.

Spexy and MB

In this time, however, many of the people I met on a regular basis knew of this shuttling back and forth and were highly appreciative. Among these was Ms Bookworm (MB for short). She was a fellow member of a reading club I had started attending to try and widen my reading selection - we ran into each other at a couple of other cultural events as well. The more significant was the day I flew out to be with anamikanon during her son's surgery. I had my first non-book club conversation with her, telling her about my impending trip as a way of explaining via I was running around carrying a travel bag.

Subsequently we discovered we lived fairly close by, which made it highly convenient to meet up for events of mutual interest, or even casually. This was, initially, a source of great relief as I practically had MB "on tap" to use that phrase. A short call or a few WhatsApp messages were sufficient to set up a meeting - purely platonic at this stage. She spoke highly of my commitment to anamikanon and her family, and generally seemed to be greatly appreciative of how I was dealing with life at that point. It felt _good_ and I began to enjoy her company and actively sought opportunities.

Did I think I was getting into a relationship with her, at the cost of or as an alternative to my relationship with anamikanon? No, I did not. In part because I have had good, long friendships with other women in the past without either party wanting anything more - often explicitly discussed. Then again, none of my conversations with MB had much detail about her own life, apart from where she worked and what sort of interactions she had had in the past few years. Suffice to say she was fairly well-connected in some of the posher social circles in the city - something that would be relevant later.

Interlude: Pedestalization

Here I should also mention my issue with "pedestalization". I tend to be in awe of public figures - people who are achievers in some sense of the word. As an poet and aspiring novelist, many writers figure on this list. MB was a poet herself, and in the events she invited me to attend, there were often writers of whom I was in some awe. I had had the same issue when I first met anamikanon, but in our conversations she made a point of getting me to move past that. I wasn't exactly in awe of MB herself because of the circles she moved in, but I did keep me interested.
End of Interlude

In a few short months, I was WhatsApping MB for long hours every day, exchanging phone calls when feasible - even when visiting anamikanon. I was already experiencing NRE without even acknowledging I was in a relationship. In my head, such acknowledgement required an explicitly expressed statement of interest from MB and me, which had not exactly been conveyed. But that was one short step - one night I returned home, and next evening I was at MB's place listening to her pour her heart out. She said she respected what anamikanon and I had, but given what she and I shared, was willing to try an "open relationship" despite her past experiences. (I'm looking through e-mails to be accurate here, and realize this was almost exactly 1 year ago.)

The Bullshitting aka The Great Brainfreeze
Even at this point, I did not know what those "past experiences" were, but I let that glide, excited by the prospect of what was happening. I promised I would talk to anamikanon, adding that I felt anamikanon would not oppose the open relationship, and would introduce them to each other at the earliest.

I was chatting constantly with anamikanon those days, and while I told her I was going on a date with MB, the report I gave on that "date" was not spontaneously offered -she had to ask, and it was not entirely truthful. Worse, I made it sound like I was being a friendly comforting presence in MB's life rather than someone who'd just promised her an open relationship. Anamikanon saw through the bullshitting straight away, which did not fit in with the nice "I'll breeze through this" plan I was cooking up in my head. So I went off the other end and suggested to her that when she came visiting later that month we could discuss and end our relationship, making arrangements for her son. I also told her I would not continue what was going on with MB, but that was not meant sincerely.

The next morning, one exchange of e-mails and further chatting later, I was telling anamikanon that I would no longer bullshit her - while still lying about what transpired between MB and me. I did not mention to her that we had kissed and groped and it was only the lack of contraceptives that stopped us from having sex. (Looking back at our chats from this time, I realize anamikanon was dead-on accurate about how this might play out and gave me solid advice, which I entirely ignored.) So while anamikanon believed I was going to draw a firm line with MB, I planned a sleep-over at MB's knowing that we would probably have sex. We met, went out for dinner, came back to her place armed with condoms, and had sex in an adolescent sort of way. I left from her place early the next morning.

At some point that night I got up, checked my phone, saw a bunch of messages from anamikanon, ignored them, and told her next morning I hadn't seen them at all which was plain stupid because Hangouts does indicate until how recently messages have been read. I then spent another day of chatting with anamikanon telling her what had happened and trying to patch up. She had, needless to say, figured what had going on, and was hurt by my "shutting the door" in her face. We had been chatting about her upcoming visit, plans around it, and then I just vanished for the night while leaving electronic traces of how I was ignoring her.

Pausing here because this is approximately the point I started thinking "relationships - plural!" and going "oh shit, what???" Letting the overwhelm from reading all the chats settle before getting on with the writing...
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Old 05-27-2017, 10:30 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Overwhelmed, reading this. But glad you are finally giving words to all this that went down. It is like reliving those days. I could see what was happening. I was genuinely giving you the best advice I could in spite of how devastated I was. In the end, it didn't matter. I just came across as the dumped girlfriend who probably wanted to see problems

As I read this, my mind is filling in the details. I know how this film ends. No matter how much and what I say, I can't stop that crash. It has already happened. Reliving a lot of the things I thought I'd resolved. But also feeling relieved. Truth matters.

I am proud that you are finally taking this difficult step.

We are no longer that uncaring, reckless man and frustrated helpless woman from last year. We now value each other. We feel valued.

I love you.
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:11 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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One of the biggest mistakes I made at this time was forgiving you. Or rather, telling you that I forgave you. Telling you that I loved you. While it was true and I felt confident that you did love us and you were in NRE and as usual were stupidly taking the easiest way out instead of ethical out of fear, in hindsight I think that that understanding actually emboldened you to take me further for granted and heap unending pain with impunity. Perhaps you would have told those brazen lies without regard for the hurt you caused anyway. And you certainly did all through even as I was literally reduced to a zombie doubting my being deserving of love at all.

Perhaps it wouldn't matter in the end, but right now as I read this, I think you felt that even if you hurt me, it was the lesser of the two threats - the fear of truth versus regret for my pain. Maybe if you feared my response rather than felt understood, your choices would have been different. Perhaps if I had simply asked for a break in our relationship till you got your head on straight, I'd have been spared a lot of this and what was to follow.

I also seriously underestimated your capacity to try to lie your way out of things as well as be completely uncaring of what and how much you inflicted on me in order to save your own image out of your fear of being seen in bad light. Knowing what I do now, my choices would be very different. I would forgive you and love you anyway - I knew this compulsive lying was a serious psychological issue and not desire to hurt, but I would not tell you I forgave you so easily. I would definitely put some distance between us and protect myself regardless of the apologies and daily promises.

Hindsight is 20-20.
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Last edited by anamikanon; 05-29-2017 at 04:16 PM.
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Old 05-29-2017, 06:33 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Standing ovation for Anamikanon.

You have my solidarity and respect.

(And no I do not want to drive you off spexy, and I respect you coming clean NOW..)

But I am very very pleased you wrote this Ana. You have my sincerest hope you recover, and gain the love respect and trust/truth in your life you deserve.

This took extreme courage. (HUG)
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Old 05-31-2017, 06:20 PM
spexy spexy is offline
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Before I continue with the story, I have a couple of clarifications to make. I made the following statement about telling Anamikanon that I was going on a date with MB.

Quote:
I was chatting constantly with anamikanon those days, and while I told her I was going on a date with MB, the report I gave on that "date" was not spontaneously offered -she had to ask, and it was not entirely truthful.
I need to correct that statement. I had told Anamikanon nothing to imply it was a romantic meeting. I have often used that word, partly in jest, to connote one on one meetings with friends, notwithstanding the lack of romantic interest. This I realize is confusing.

Again, it is usual for me to share the details of such meetings with Anamikanon, which I hesitated to do when meeting MB and then blew her off. Neither of us had, until that time, tried to "open" the relationship - although poly was discussed, neither had any stated intention of actually beginning a poly relationship.

To continue...

Unraveling

As I returned home from MB's place after what would be our only night together, I was chatting with Anamikanon, trying to placate her all over again. Even despite her obvious anger, she was offering me love and wisdom that I yet again ignored. Yet, that day we had our first calm conversation about MB and me, with me telling her something of MB, and still suggesting that I would get them introduced soon.

I met MB again the following evening, with Anamikanon being aware of the plan this time. That evening I told MB that perhaps she could meet Anamikanon when the latter visited later that month. MB wanted a fair idea of what the future entailed for us, and how she could talk about us among her family and friends. I had until then not given any thought to how time-sharing or space-sharing would work among us –this was something I hoped could be worked out once we were all introduced to one another. I also told her about my upcoming vacation and suggested we could travel together part of the time, which might help her feel we were more together.

Right after this conversation with MB, I had another chat with Anamikanon involving another discussion of where we were and whether I knew what I was doing with either relationship. I brought up ending the relationship with MB as a way of preserving my relationship with Anamikanon, in part because I was bouncing from conversation to conversation without really thinking through each of those relationships. The conversation also revealed how I had assumed things about our relationship that I had no business to assume. That I had essentially presented Anamikanon with a fait accompli whereas I should have been discussing the potential of me seeing someone else before the fact.

The next day, even as MB was booking tickets for our planned travel together, I asked if she wanted me to introduce her to Anamikanon again, despite having agreed that we would all meet during the latter’s trip just the previous night. This did not go down well, and led to another argument where MB felt Anamikanon was dictating our relationship. MB suggested we end our relationship, but I persisted, not wanting to end things so abruptly. We met that evening, and again were physically intimate without having sex. I told MB about her meeting my needs, that her presence made me reevaluate my priorities, which was true only insofar as ours being a more proximate relationship than the one Anamikanon and I shared.

The following day, I told Anamikanon that I was ending the relationship with MB and not planning on talking to her or seeing her again. I met MB again, and suggested that we should be friends. I left her place that day with her telling me that she would decide whether we were over. Later that week, MB called and asked that I recompense her for the travel tickets she had booked. She also asked that I leave the reading club we had been part of, and cut off all my communication with them. I asked for her bank details to transfer her the amount, which she rebuffed suggesting I get permission and approval from my girlfriend first.

The following week MB and I continued to communicate, largely through WhatsApp, with me suggesting we meet. We did meet and MB was incensed enough to get violent, and insisted I show her the chats between Anamikanon and I where we had discussed my relationship with MB. She was not satisfied with the messages she saw, insisted I sign my name to a statement that I would discuss the relationship again with Anamikanon. She also wanted to know who I would choose if it came to choosing one of them, and I was certain I would choose Anamikanon because of that being my primary relationship.

I messaged her again later that week, asking for stuff I had left at her place, and suggesting I would be speaking to Anamikanon once she arrived in town. After Anamikanon arrived, I admitted to her questioning that I had indeed met MB since telling her that I was not meeting or talking to her. I spoke to MB again, but avoided meeting her on the pretext that I had work going on, and insisted again I would speak to Anamikanon. She asked to e-mail us, and later posted private messages to Anamikanon and me on Facebook. In subsequent messages, I told her I intended to pay her the travel monies, but I kept postponing the task until I had to travel out of town myself. During this trip, the time I was supposed to be traveling with MB, I instead visited Anamikanon, who saw this as a healing trip.

I returned from my trip and immediately went to meet MB and compensate her for the travel costs. This meeting also led to my finally putting down my account in an email to both MB and Anamikanon, with MB threatening legal action if I should fail to do so. Subsequent to that e-mail conversation, MB and I spoke one final time, and I agreed never to contact her again. I then traveled to visit Anamikanon again, to offer yet more healing and truth, whereas I was still only fire-fighting. Anamikanon insisted I do my own soul-searching, which I put off pleading work pressures, but only kept dodging further and further.

Until this past week. Even as the episode unraveled, both Anamikanon and MB told me that had I only been honest from the start, things could have been very different. What this calls into question - more than my aptitude for either mono or poly relationships - is my relationship with truth and honesty. Even as I write this, I am aware that many of the people closest to me in life do not trust me to tell me the truth, either in part or completely. I hope that my sessions with my psychologist will help me address that.
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Old 05-31-2017, 07:03 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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I was surprised to find that the worst night of the episode didn't make it to the narrative. Adding it here, mostly because it hurt me. The night MB got violent with you was the night you had again gone out of contact at a time when you usually visited her. Except, you had told me over and over that it was over between you and MB and I had foolishly believed it.

You'd mentioned not feeling well before going out of contact and when it became way late at night with you still being out of contact, I had actually been worried that you'd been mugged or worse. At that point I would be glad to know you were safe at MB's home, except when it got very late, I checked at your home, in case you had already arrived and slept. You hadn't. We were all worried.

Your visiting sibling, also already worried about very uncharacteristic behavior from you, decided to wait another while before waking your dad. Before that time was up, you messaged me back. Relieved you were fine, I immediately relayed the message to your home. I got the reply that you weren't home yet and I said that you'd probably get home in your own time, but you seemed ok.

Imagine my surprise returning to your chat and you claiming to already be home and reason for not replying to my messages being that you'd gone for a walk after dinner and left the phone charging. When I called you out on it, you went silent for a while then explained that you were walking after having dinner outside and your phone was charging from your laptop inside your bag. That night, I gave up all hope of ever getting the truth from you if you didn't want to share it. I was completely broken. I knew you were with MB and in spite of me being fine with polyamory, insisted on hiding it from me. You would deny it for another three months before admitting it.

This, as you know barely glosses over your assholery that night. You knew I was in a very bad place and my health too was suffering and proceeded to imply I was paranoid and nothing you said could convince me of the truth and what not. But I wanted to say this because this night literally put me in shock I still don't feel recovered from, and it was completely missing in the narrative.


=================

Initially, I took your evasions lightly as awkwardness. I didn't mind you having a new partner. I knew you found speaking of personal things next to impossible. In spite of the lies and insensitivity, I was FINE.

With time, I became aware of very disturbing patterns. What little I knew of MB did not add up and I was worried that you were in way beyond your depth and not just on being able to handle multiple relationships, but basically being manipulated into one in a [passive-aggressive, suggested but not explicit, assumed and attributed to you...] "cowgirl" fashion. I don't blame MB. I read her as someone attracted to a man with a reliable income, who appeared to be very devoted to a partner and wanted that for herself. But given your inability to say "no", I didn't really see it going anywhere healthy. I stayed quiet. But there was another pattern emerging too. Some of your worst lies and hurts to me were after immediately after returning from her and you were usually apologizing for them profusely after coming to your senses. Your behavior was completely unusual for you and to me it indicated that you were discussing completely different things - including things I should have a say in - with her.

That is when I got scared. I had cautioned you over and over about promising more than you can deliver. I had cautioned you about simply putting the two of us in touch if you were not communicating well - by then it was obvious. Absolutely nothing worked. And when I started getting too traumatized by it, you simply told me it was over without ending things with her till you fucked up majorly and ended up being blackmailed by her - and these were things I specifically saw coming and warned you about, because the whole situation just didn't add up and was seeming more alarming by the day.

And this is what you continued to protect with lies for a long time to come till today I have no idea whether this version is the final truth or I will find a new version further down the road.

I agree the biggest lesson here is about your psychological issues. Anxiety over being judged, refuge in lies to protect yourself, fear of confrontation and lack of hesitation to heap consequences on someone else to escape own fears.

I have more to say, but right now I don't have words for it. I will post when my thoughts are coherent enough.

I will be honest, this post seems a far distance away from your original determination to finally lay everything out and is a summary that actually glosses over most things about the relationship - both truth and lies.

And I don't know how I feel about that. In many ways, the details are history and frankly don't matter. But if this was the grand attempt to not hold anything back, this post says less than things we've already discovered through confrontations. For example offering her a stable local relationship living in with her while visiting me, while we had been making plans for you to move here and end our LDR. For example, me discovering two months after your break off with her and me losing 10 kilos of weight and months of mental peace - that a trip you'd told me you'd be doing solo "because you needed alone time" was actually supposed to be with her for company. Our "healing trip" had happened because you'd lost your travel partner to the break off! I wouldn't have discovered it then either if you weren't preparing me for a possible explosion from her - because she now wanted specific things from you before she'd let you go and was threatening everything from getting you beaten up to arrested in addition to reimbursing ticket fares for tickets booked after you "broke off" with her. If not for that, you wouldn't have told me the "truth" even then.

You are back to your old pattern of volunteering no more information than you had already been caught for. I am not sure how I feel about that. I will think about this and whether your second post counts as truth telling or a return to old habits.
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Last edited by anamikanon; 05-31-2017 at 11:28 PM.
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Old 05-31-2017, 07:41 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Spexy, your first warning ought to have been that a woman who doesn't believe in poly engaged enough with you (a man in a committed relationship - that is absolutely among the first things people discover about you) to create a stage for proposing an open relationship based on "what you already had".

From there it is all downhill as far as my presence in your life was concerned. Moving in with her instead of ending our LDR, "What kind of a woman pimps her boyfriend...." hello! I didn't even know anything of what you two were up to, let alone tell you to sleep with her. Seeing our relationship as an "obligation" while she was your real love, her having a letter where you promise her you'd break off with me if I couldn't be convinced (at that point I'd said "no way") and so on.

This is absurd. The only reason you'd say or agree to this kind of nonsense is because she expected it and you don't do "no". Even if you were bored with me, this is the first (and as far as I know, only) home you've felt completely accepted. There is no way you'd PLAN a future without it. It is also amazing how according to her the two of you had a whole "future" planned out based on commitments by you, zero checking with me, and zero committed by her. Why? She didn't love you enough to promise you a thing with regard to a shared future? This isn't a relationship, this is fucking grooming.

I don't give a fuck what you told her or what she expected, because I know it wouldn't happen no matter how that scenario played out. I was less worried about the "cowgirl" scenario and more about you being involved with a partner who seemed to be pushing you into things that were against your wishes and you had no defenses against it. You are not able to create healthy boundaries. You would simply be endlessly torn in two directions, making wild promises in both till everyone went mad. Yourself included.

Edit: and this was still gut feel going on. If I had known she hit you when things didn't go her way, I'd have landed up there to screw her happiness.
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:27 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Correction below

Quote:
Originally Posted by spexy View Post
She also wanted to know who I would choose if it came to choosing one of them, and I was certain I would choose Anamikanon because of that being my primary relationship.
So much for truth telling. This is a direct quote from MB's email to us both - only changes are for anonymity.

Quote:
And the last thing you said (and wrote) that night was that you are going to talk to Anamikanon and honor your commitments. You even promised me that if she insists on this relationship, you are going to break off with her, and only be there for Kid. I still have your signed letter to me, btw!
You have never disputed this. To her in the group email or to me, privately. You had said that after her hitting you and you finding out about her past, you were unnerved enough to write whatever she wanted you to write, even while telling her while writing that you were doing it to end the conversation "You told me I had no right to tell you it was over or that we should be friends, at which point I said I would talk to Anamikanon, and also said I said that to end the conversation." (direct quote from your email in that conversation - which she did not dispute). So why a new version today? What is all this concealment still going on?

I am not mad. This is history. My concern is that it still has enough power over you to have you jumping through verbal hoops to dodge it even today. What is to fear?

Spexy explained to me privately that he didn't dispute anything MB said in her email, because she was aiming for drama and continued interactions and conflict. The letter she demanded from him only said that he would speak with me and not whether he would choose her or me. This is something she said in her email for her own reasons and he had all through never said/implied that he'd be leaving me. At all. I find that I believe him. Mostly because the emails from her end were designed to drive a wedge between us if I expected monogamy out of Spexy. One of her "conditions" for Spexy to not be framed for raping her was that he apologise to her DAILY (in a group email with me included in it) till she told him to stop. It is plain absurd that Spexy would promise breaking off with me after spending a week terrified that he'd lose what we had. Posting this here because Spexy doesn't always defend himself, and may not say that here. Feeling much relieved that this account at least does not lie about anything that I know of.
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Last edited by anamikanon; 06-01-2017 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 06-01-2017, 05:31 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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NRE sounds like dangerous stuff, Spexy. I'd be interested in your thoughts on it (either in a reply here or on the numerous threads I've started), given you have experienced it so violently recently, unless that's a place you don't want to visit in your mind.

My wife found the (monogamous) book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass to be useful and recommended I read it. I agree. It's a very well written book about infidelity. You mentioned you didn't go into the friendship with MB with ideas of romance, but described a slippery slope of increased respect for her, shared interests that Anamikanon and you do not share, realisation of the lifestyle MB offered, confession, hiding your activities, lies and the subsequent heartache and fallout, including a period where you found yourself unable to fully commit to promises made. The book actually has mini chapters devoted to each of these events (I kid you not), explaining why they are common and what leads otherwise well-meaning individuals to such horrible mistakes.

Based upon the authors post doctorate research including thousands of questionairres at airports and a lifetime working as a counsellor, the author identifies that an affair is likely to start when we share problems about our current relationship with a third partner of appropriate sex that we are attracted to. Such things are intimate, the book argues. When one person shares such personal things, the window is open for the other person to reciprocate with personal stories. Soon, a shared bond is formed and you feel as if this person [I]understands[I] you so well. The book recommends that you can have a shared respect for someone else, spend time with them, lust even, provided you make it clear through words and actions that the window to intimacy is not open.

The book also cleverly defines infidelity as any emotional or physical intimacy that violates trust. I like this definition.

Just some food for thought. Not expecting yours and my world view to agree 100%, but I hope some of that has been as interesting for you as it was for me.

All the best,
Shaya.
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Old 06-01-2017, 09:20 AM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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This post is more to speak on behalf of Spexy than about me. It is to add some things that he does not seem to register no matter how many times I tell him.
  1. It was his second sexual relationship in his life. Some knowledge comes with experience. Including how people manipulate each other. How to communicate in relationships. How to handle NRE.
  2. Having always felt understood by me, he entered into that relationship assuming that he would find the same, not realizing that our relationship also grew till the understanding happened. MB considered everything he said that she liked, as a commitment. Including things like "I could try to move in with you while here" as a commitment of a live-in relationship with her while I remained LDR long term. "Eventually the three of us could live together" when asked about long term plans became "promised me a long term relationship in the same home as you both" and so on. She agreed to, but ignored in her "plans" anything he said that didn't suit her like "committed relationship with Anamikanon and child that is priority one"
  3. For someone who saw what he went through, other than being tempted into a sexual relationship (which he did not initiate), it had turned into Hotel California of sorts. The minute she had his agreement, everything escalated. For a relationship involving one overnight that didn't work out, the threats on ending it included unfulfilled promises of long term. This is not normal even for monogamous relationships.
  4. She tried various kinds of manipulative methods from subtle talking down of me to plans of living with her primarily and later, when all that didn't work, threats, assault, trying to make me break off with him and more.
  5. Yes, he was wrong in many ways, but he does not appear to recognize that his partner was pushing him into something he did not want. And once she realized she wasn't getting her way, she turned downright nasty in ways almost anyone would find terrifying, let alone someone with conflict avoidance issues.

When she failed to get spexy to commit to new things to hold on his head, and he determinedly ended all contact, it came to an end finally with her demanding that Spexy apologise to her in a group email that included me immediately and that he do it daily till *she* told him to stop. Failing which, she would use friends in high places to bring charges on him for raping her. She threatened to have me arrested as his "accomplice". She threatened to send friends over to Spexy's home and have him beaten up. This is not love and I am not spexy to be intimidated by this mafia style, but I was in another city and his aged parents were home alone if she acted on her threats.

I suggested he write the letter for some much-needed closure for all of us, include me as she wanted and we take it from there. She did have a fair point in that neither of us had any contact with each other and had nothing beyond Spexy's extremely dubious words to know what was going on at the other end. So there was no harm in agreeing to do this, having every side heard and concluding as it seemed fit. At this point, in addition to the emotional turmoil of this mess, Spexy was terrified out of his wits. Even if he could prove his innocence in court easily, the accusations and case itself would do damage to his relationship with parents and job.

He did so. It was brief and apologized for specific things he said or implied. She was having none of that. She wanted a detailed account of their relationship. Fair enough. So he gave her one. Then she replied with angry comments to various points in that account. Her emails fudged facts in ways guaranteed to alienate spexy's partner - if I'd thought as monogamously as she does. For example, her stressing how he found me an obligation while they loved each other only made me wish it had been true instead of this clusterfuck. At this point I realized that the email was less about getting closure and more about punishing him by making him lose the relationship he wanted to preserve.

The theme overall was that I should ditch Spexy for betraying me, like she was ditching him She wasn't ditching him. She wanted him back on his knees in front of her. In a relationship of endless apologies if need be, if not love. At one point I said bluntly that if everything is accounted for, this ends now. Spexy may be ignorant about relationships or intimidated by friends in high places, I am not. A consensual attempt at a relationship, as described in her own emails, and initiated by her is not rape. At all. Spexy had not gone around looking for gullible women to con into bed. Call me controlling if you wish, but spexy is not going to send MB any more letters or calls or meet to apologize over and over. I vetoed it point blank. Whatever the consequences.

Spexy has accepted where he wronged her (mostly about not saying no where he should have or promising her whatever she wanted), I was undoubtedly hurt, but our relationship was not ending because she thought I should do it to prove I'm "self-respecting". Unless there was anything that remained to be said on MB's end, this was over. Not finding me fertile ground to ideas of ditching spexy, she finally gave up with some comments on how we were in a dysfunctional relationship and how it could come to nothing good. Fair enough. It was an opinion and our relationship wasn't looking shiny at that point. Life has no guarantees.

Finally, it was over.

This is added for a sense of perspective. Spexy blames himself and only himself for what went down. In my eyes, the relationship didn't stand a chance no matter what he did, because she was an inherently monogamous person who interpreted his interest in her as an automatic downgrading of me in his life and the agreement to try a relationship as a commitment to forever-after, though she did try to understand. She heard and agreed to all statements to the contrary from him (and her own statements that she respected what we had and understood it was his primary and committed relationship), but they didn't make it to what she was visualizing. What she really wanted had never been on the cards, NRE or not. That said, I don't think most of what she did was intentional. It just came from the worldview she operated from, where you propose to a person and it leads to a long term something and then she totally lost it when it didn't happen. Unfortunately, spexy's personal inability to handle confrontation or to disagree and so on combined with her views of how a "relationship" should be created a trap for everyone. It was no single person's fault. For that matter, I could also be to blame to some extent for not taking spexy's dodges with honesty more seriously, leading to his imaginary view of what relationships are.
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Living in and in a sexual relationship with asexual. panromantic Spexy.

Blog: Anamikanon and Spexy

Last edited by anamikanon; 06-01-2017 at 09:37 AM.
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