does it have a name?

lvfcs

New member
Hi, I come here for some guidance, I've been here before and feel bad to just post when things get ugly, but I dont know where else to ask.

I'll try to be short and explain the situation. I'm a girl, straight, who started a relationship with this couple who's been married for a very long time. I said couple, because the 'rule' since the beggining has been all or none. Even if I am only in love with him, I care very much for the both of them. My problems lay on the sexual aspect of the relationship. I am perfectly ok, in fact I am happy with all the other aspects like sharing lives together, activities and all that. Now we've been talking about trying to balance things better and have moments where I am intimate with him and him with her, and moments were we are all together without her and I being intimate. I hope I make sense.

Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!
 
You shouldn't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, no matter what the other parties want. If he really cares about you, he should respect that completely.
 
My immediate observation is sleeping in the same bed is asking for trouble imo. (not assigning blame btw, just making an observation)...it might be time to look at changing the sleeping arrangements. :)
 
Stand firm...

You should sit down with him or better both of them and state your boundaries and limits to your V. It is a V with him at the point and you and his wife at the ends. You state firmly that you want just sex with him and that being the case get away from this 3 in a bed routine unless it's just for his pleasure. "IF" this is not something the couple can come to terms with then they aren't really seeking a poly relationship imo but just looking for a unicorn that will get hurt in the end.

Just Me,
Tim
 
I agree with previous comments.
I wanted to say-AS a hinge (woman) in love with two straight men I see this as a HUGE disrespect of BOTH of them towards you.

I would LOVE to sleep with both my men all of the time in THEORY-because I love both of them.

We've only ever done that ONE TIME.
We've only ever done anything sexual all together ONE time (same time).

It was wonderful. They knew I was having a REALLY serious surgery the next morning, I was emotional, I was stressed.

Maca agreed to drag our mattress upstairs to the livingroom (so as not to "invade" either of their bedrooms) and we could sleep there. The plan was for just cuddling and sleep.
Maca knew I would love more-but I would not ask.
He instigated it by asking GG if he was ok with it for that moment.
GG agreed.
They made a night of each of them pleasuring me.

BUT-
I would NEVER disrespect them and ask them to be together just because it's what I want. That's unreasonable and unfair!
 
We sometimes sleep in the same bed...usually nothing sexual but because we have both loved Redpepper together several times we have a pretty deep bond and appreciation for what that brought into our relationship. I definitely do not think you should be doing anything that you are not comfortable with as well.

As per everyone else's opinion...be honest and upfront.
 
Yep to all that's been written. LVFCS, you and I and MonoVCPHG are all secondaries: lovers of someone who is in a poly marriage.

Someone posted a link to the Secondary's Bill of Rights on another thread.

In a nutshell: I have the right to be treated with dignity, respect, consideration, and courtesy. This is true of any relationship, regardless of its form and regardless of its status. Using the word "right" in this context means "This is something that it is reasonable and normal for me to expect, and reasonable and normal for my partner to give me."

The discussion there has a lot of good ideas.
 
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i agree with everyone else, if it doesn't feel right you need to have enough respect for yourself to say no, if he loves you and she respects and care about you like they should then this should not be something you are made to do,

Jools
 
thank you

I agree with all of you. The Secondary Bill of rights helped a lot to see all under a new light, thank you EugenePoet :)

Thank you LovingRadiance, I'm kind on envious of your V, I hope he would think more like you and not so much on his needs and desires. But at the same time as a secondary I must choose what I consider the best for me and what I'm capable of doing, and since they as primaries have stablished this 'rule' and need for it to be present, then I have do to what is best for myself.

Thank you all of you guys, your different perspectives have given me the strenght I seemed to be lacking to stand for myself. I'll talk to them tonight. Wish me luck!
 
-- Actually, my thanks to whomever posted the original link to the "Bill." I just piggybacked.

Reading through the "Bill" I find that the couple I'm involved with already give me the things listed there. I don't know if they evolved this behavior independently -- I know they discuss ethics and ways of living ethically sometimes -- or whether they absorbed the ideas from various books. Could be some of both, of course. Whatever the genesis, I'm damned lucky: I have personal boundaries, but they've never even started to cross them.

But the main thing, lvfcs, there are vees and triads who have created ethically and aesthetically balanced relationships in which all parties receive consideration. It's done, and done well.

It could be that the couple you are with simply haven't thought about things very carefully. It could be that they can grow the relationship into something that is properly considerate to everyone involved. That would be beautiful.

But if you feel that you are being used, that's another matter. I think everyone on the forum would support you against that.

So, yes, good luck!
 
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Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!
Hey LVFCS,

I'm a little fuzzy on the above quote. Maybe having a "slow" moment ?

Not sure who the "They" is referring to in this context - "they" being him & her - or "they" being moments ? ("they" become sexual)

But assuming that the "they" is him & her and that you are uncomfortable with the whole 3 way sex part - or being a forced observer, (even if no F/F play is included) then you should definitely just express your discomfort. And we hope it would be respected !

On a second note also, and I hope THIS is something all 3 of you can have a nice discussion on, beds are not ONLY for sex ! :) As I suspect many here can echo, when there is that deep love between people, all cuddling up sleeping and waking up together is a very special pleasure. Especially for the hinge. It's a shame to have to forgo that simple pleasure because sex interferes with it. Maybe you can work out some sex alternatives that will leave room for that close cuddle time. At least it would be something I would shoot for.

GS
 
LVFC-

The best piece of advice I can give you is that you must identify what YOU want in life-what makes YOU the best person you can be and then make all of your choices based on that criteria.

Easy read on that topic-

"The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly.

If you do that, you will find that some relationships go the way of the past, but the relationships you make and keep will be tailored to meeting your needs (AND THEIRS-because you will be looking for and attracting people who have healthy and SIMILAR goals/desires).

There are many people I COULD hook up with. I've had offers, people who find me attractive, not just in looks, but in personality.

BUT no matter the depth of our interest, if the situation and the "criteria" to quote Mono don't match, I choose not to go that far.

EVEN my boyfriend. His idea of a primary relationship does not currently meet my criteria. So he's NOT. I love him-I'm with him, I'm not trying to delude myself into believing he's replacable.
But I'm also not trying to force either of us to be primaries to each other-because without the criteria meshing-it will only cause pain for one or both of us.

Sounds like it's high time for you to identify your true needs and then set some specifications down for yourself.
You may find that when you are willing to expect people to meet your criteria for a relationship AS WELL as expecting yourself to meet their criteria-that they do.
 
LVSC, Your post makes me kind of shudder. I immediately envision you being trapped in your situation by two people that are giving you ultimatums in order for you to feel worthy. You can't ever have sex with him alone, can't ever have your own bed or share intimate time with him? and are being forced to sleep with a woman when you are straight? woah!:(

I am hoping that they aren't forcing you to be a unicorn, but that is how it read to me.

I will assume that this has all come about largely because of lack of communication. Are you, or have you told them that you require different circumstances to them? Have you put your foot down in a gentle way and said, this is what I need to see happen in order to feel comfortable and happy with the two of you? If you have been, are they listening? Do they blow you off? Are you putting your foot down enough? Even in the moment when he reaches over to her and you are next to them, are you speaking up that you are uncomfortable?

If I were him in the "V" that you are in (and it is a "V" if you are not interested in her more than just a friend) and I found out that my SO was not telling me they were uncomfortable I would be devastated and so apologetic. and frankly a little angry too as I have the expectation that they will communicate with me even when it's hard. The thought that I was "making" anyone do anything is so disturbing to me. Who the hell am I that I should think I can enforce my will on others for my own desire. It's entrapment your situation, if they are in fact "making" you do these things...

I assume you are a grown woman that has just as many rights as I do or they do or anyone on here, or anyone has.... I think it's time to think this way and act this way.... if they object and there are really no ways to find a common ground or goal then move on. Find people who will respect your right to be happy, healthy and loved in the ways that make you special...

Sorry it this comes across strongly, but I am a big advocate to those who are not being treated as they should be in my eyes... I am doing my best to assume these people have just been mislead by you and some communication on your part will make things better for you... I sincerely hope that that is the case.
 
Please, dont shudder redpeper. There's a lot I've left out on the post and to get to this situation we all had our share of blame. My biggest mistake was waiting for things to change because it was hinted on their part it will and because I thought it would get better with the passing of time.

It has not, in fact IMO this was the core of many problems in the relationship.

We all started this relationship not knowing what it was that we were doing and we continued stumbling on the dark. So I assumed it was all a growing process, waiting for comfort levels to grow.

I thought with time she would grow comfortable with the idea, and I would have the space for intimacy that him and I needed to make our relationship grow. She stated that she needs to be involved in all the sexual aspects for the relationship to work for her.

I agree with you GroundedSpirit, beds are not only for sex. And yes the cuddling and sleeping and waking together was very special indeed. But he feels that he would miss the wholeness of us all, he'll be limited to express himself and he doesnt want the whole separate beds rutine.

In conclussion, we all have different needs that wont be met if we continue together. Of course knowing this doesnt make it a tiny bit easier for me.

We will go in separate ways, we have started the separation already. But it hurts you know? I love him, and I miss him so freaking much.

Sometimes knowing what is best for you, doesnt make you feel it's right.
 
Please, dont shudder redpeper. There's a lot I've left out on the post and to get to this situation we all had our share of blame. My biggest mistake was waiting for things to change because it was hinted on their part it will and because I thought it would get better with the passing of time.

Damn, this is a shame LVFCS !

I think everyone thinks (or hopes) that things will "change" with time. Because as a general rule - that's true. Time does seem to change everything.

But how much time is reasonable ? That's a grey area. And how much pain and discomfort one can endure while waiting is variable.

Obviously she still either has a fear of what true intimacy between you and him might mean to their relationship OR she is just one of these Type A control freaks. She struggles with the idea of not having her finger on the control lever.

Each of those possibilities requires a different transformation. Maybe if you knew which it was, it would shed light on what kind of time (if ever) would be anticipated and what might be needed to help the process.

But if you've endured this as long as possible, then it's understandable. And yes it hurts, but with that is an acknowledgment that we can't control the world - only ourselves :(

GS
 
feeling miserable

this is probably not the best moment to post, and I apologyze to those who hate tears. Last time I said we had decided to go separate ways, well, the separate ways became a let's stay friends. I've been crying the past half hour because I dont know how to be friends with him. I miss him, and being honest, any interaction with him doesnt feel 'friendly' like. Now, you must ask, why are you doing that to yourself? Because I dont want to lose him complete and I dont want to lose their friendship. These people were friends, very good and dear friends before we started as a V. So of course it's easy to stay friends with her, because that's all we've been. But I dont know what to do with him. In true, I dont know what to do here. I am even considering that if we tried again... I dont know.

Any advice on breaking up in a V?
 
For me, the easiest way to be friends with someone that I was in love with, and whom it hurts to see as a non-lover, is to spend some time not seeing them at all, and let the wounds heal. The time frame is different for everyone and every situation, but it's taken me anywhere from a couple months to a couple years to "get over" them.

This doesn't mean "losing" them as a friend. If the chemistry for friendship is there, it will still be there in a year. But right now, it's probably too hard to be around him without being "with" him.

The cliche about time healing all wounds sticks around because it's true. And some wounds can be healed by nothing BUT time.

In the meantime, have some rebound-flings, try not to fall in love for a little while, and just focus on you and making your life as positive as possible.
 
I've retained some level of friendship with every ex I have. I hold no animosity for ANY of them.

The most difficult transition (for me) I did as schroedinger suggested-except that I sent a card for their birthday, fathers day, christmas.
I do that for my friends-so I did it for this person. I didn't call, I didn't go hang out.

The easiest ones-well they are easy so it needs no explanation yes?

The hardest thing for me has been explainging to NEW partners that when I say, "this is my friend Kelly" I am not being decietful. YES Kelly is my exboyfriend. YES we spent damn near 4 years together. BUT NOW Kelly is my friend. Period.
Now-don't get me wrong, I make sure from the get go that the partner knows who this person is in full-neither Maca or GG were EVER unaware that Kelly was my ex-boyfriend.
But if we're "out and about" with Kelly-I don't introduce him as my ex to other people. Because he's my friend. I introduce him as who he is to me NOW.
I find that doing that helps concrete his role in my mind too-if I keep saying "ex" when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our dating relationship. When I keep saying FRIEND when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our FRIENDSHIP relationship.
 
........... Last time I said we had decided to go separate ways, well, the separate ways became a let's stay friends. .........

Any advice on breaking up in a V?

Well Sweetie,
If you think about it, "friends" would only be what one would expect- right ? I mean, all 3 of you were important people in each others lives. That fact that everything couldn't be tweaked to fit everyone's personal dream/vision - well it just happens sometimes. That doesn't lessen what you did have.

As hard as it is (and it IS very hard) it seems the objective would be to rise to the occasion - show strength and maturity - exhibit the characteristics that YOU would admire in someone else were the shoe on another foot.
With respect in place you can never tell what the future holds.

And I agree with the others who said time is the only solution. And lots of tears. Tears shed not so much for what WAS, but what we dreamed could be.

GS
 
But if we're "out and about" with Kelly-I don't introduce him as my ex to other people. Because he's my friend. I introduce him as who he is to me NOW.
I find that doing that helps concrete his role in my mind too-if I keep saying "ex" when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our dating relationship. When I keep saying FRIEND when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our FRIENDSHIP relationship.

That's a really good point, LR. Our minds are incredibly easy to reprogram, if we take the time and effort. I had never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense.

I don't refer to people as "my ex" either because it makes it seem like "ex" is some kind of relationship it its own right, and I don't think it is. If it's applicable, I'll say that we used to date or that he's a "previous boyfriend" (which seems different in my mind from "ex"). A part of me still loves everyone I've ever loved, although obviously the passion died away, and most of my previous lovers can still arouse "those" feelings inside of me, but then so does the cute girl in my thermo class, so that's no big deal :p
 
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