I am sad

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I had a very hard day emotionally with my BF, yesterday and it went on through the night.

He is monogamous, he knew the situation when we got involved. We have worked through some issues. My husband is down with most everything about the situation, until the last week or so. I take full responsilbity for my part in all of this.

My previous BF, was married and not happily, his wife knew about our relationship, but said don't bring "it" home. He had cheated in the past and brought that girl home. I never disrespected there relationship and he was careful with mine. However, things changed for us and we broke up in the beginning of July.

An acquaintance and I started talking about his divicorce. It happened very gradually however, things took a turn and he and I fell in love. DH was onboard everything was good. I stated from the start I would never leave my husband. However, somehow in this I think we both dreamed of a future, me with him living in the same house with us. Him with me leaving my husband. Then last weekend occured and I had a horrible fight with my husband about a long standing problem (non sexual) I told my husband I wanted a divicorce and stayed away from him for the day. I talked to BF during this time period. I was pretty much isolating myself from everyone but my child. My BF heard the words divicorce and got it in his head this freed the way for us. Husband and I had a talk and things were resolved, however with me knowing this was always going to be an issue for us. Monday, the holiday came around and we had another huge fight. Afterwards, we tried to talk about how we could communicate more effectively and he became disrespectful and I finally said I just can't do this anymore. I do not use the D word lightly, and up until a year ago rarely. We had a major incident a year ago, that almost destroyed us totally. Once again, non sexual.
I didn't see BF monday, but talked to him a bit. I isolated again and then finally calmed down enough to be rational to speak to husband again. He was very remorseful about the disrespect he had shown me. I know it came from a place in his heart. So I forgave me and we worked it through.
I did tell BF about this.

So apparently BF, started making plans in his head for us to be togather after everything was settled with his D. So friday, he brought it up after we were intimate and I have no clue how it came up. However, he finally got that I wasn't leaving DH for him. He pulled back and really freaked out. I was quiet upset and he had to leave for a business lunch. The way we ended things, he felt I had broken up with him. I usually chat with him online after lunch and didn't come online, as I had some stuff going on with my extended family and was dealing with that. He texted me and when I could get off the phone, he had left me three letters begging me to forgive him.

So we talked things out and we were good I thought. I knew he had his kids last night. So he asked me to chat with him or talk on the phone. So because my husband was asleep we ended up chatting and got into an intense place. He ended up telling me he had thought everything through and even though he loves me, everything has changed for him. He says "our song is wrong now". He says he still has romantic love for me, still wants to be togather but he has withdrawn in my feelings. We tried to work it out and agreed to continue the relationship.

However, my feelings are hurt, confusion and truly extreme hurt. My husband is angry that he feels disrespected by BF. Truthfully he was, and is angry he has hurt me. I don't really know what to do. I just know I feel really fragile right now.

BF and I aren't seeing each other today (he has his kids still ) and i have a family thing all day tomorrow. He has plans with friends tomorrow night. So I won't see him till monday. I got this really formal email from him, a few minutes ago. I think he isn't sure how to act. I do know that he has never had an honest relationship before. He has never been his true self with anyone before me. I also don't know how I can back up how I feel with this sudden change from you are the most important person in my life to, I still feel romantic about you.

So I am sad and confused. Maybe I should just end things.
 
...or maybe you should just hold tight and let the current emotional turmoil settle before contemplating causing anymore.

It is a very long post and but I think the crux of it is that your boyfriend is now in a different place (ie separated) so he has to try and find his way as a mono in a poly relationship, rather than a poly in a poly relationship. They are two very different identities.

To maintain your relationships you are going to have to be really, really stable in your position so that both the men in your life can feel stable in theirs. This is obviously also bringing up your husband's insecurities now that your boyfriend is available, hence original fight. Fights are not always about what they seem to be about at first glance.


I think everyone involved will be feeling sad right now and your way through is to dig very deep and mine for large quantities of empathy and communication.
 
sorry you are feeling sad LMBL. In this instance I feel your bf created his own problem. He got his hopes up about something you never promised him. He needs to "get it" big style.
Also, can I say I feel you are telling your bf a little bit too much about what goes on when you are not with him. (ie your domestic situation) This can backfire on you.
My wife doesn't tell me hardly anything about what she and bf talk about. So I know she doesn't talk about me and her to him. She likes to keep us separate.
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.
 
Polly has it right a rollercoaster

So, to my utter surprise, I got a normal email from BF. He was his self. He had apparently been yet again thinking I wasn't going to put up with his emotions. He apolgized and said he loves me, he is just adjusting his thought patterns. He asked me to bear with him. Somehow, I realized he sent such a formal email, because he had no clue how I would respond. We spoke for awhile and things are much better. I have as I said to him before, just want to enjoy what we have for as long as we can. That it is quality not quanity that matters. I also told him, him that being honest is never wrong. It can hurt but it is so much better then hiding things and building resentment.

The fight husband and I had was over his computer addiction and his lack of doing any planned household things. The house could fall down and he could care less if he is on his beloved computer. So it didn't have anything to do with BF.

Hubs, did however, have a reaction to BF's LaLA land. I had told him, I thought BF was a little in lala land the night before and I would address it.
When things got out of hand yesterday and last night, Hubs got pissed off.
So I needed to reassure him. VF I do think you have it right. I feel sometimes torn in two. Right now I feel fragile. I don't really feel I can go to either.

Hubs also said he hadn't felt he could be intimate with me, for a couple of weeks since he crossed a boundary. I had no idea. I reminded him, I wasn't a mind reader. I needed some communication. He had been tied up with work and things and I thought he needed space. Plus child was sick in our bed.

I also see that Sage was right doing nothing was best. VF your right in that I can't share problems with one to the other.

Thanks so much.... I am going to take care of myself tonight....leave both of them alone. So I have these new cocoa roasted almonds and a good book.
.
 
Hey LMBL, I am so glad my limited experience so far helped you out. You have helped me out too no end already. ;)
 
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.

Really good point VF. I have felt this from 2Rings and my husband, and have probably done this to both 2Rings and my hubby. It is definitely a way to process stress without letting emotion roll you into a whole other dimension of anger/resentment/depression. Very good reminder to demonstrate your love in some way no matter how stressed and wanting to withdraw you get!:eek:
 
What you said about feeling fragile made me realise something though LMBL. In the first month, just at the times when I needed my wife to be demonstrative that she loved ME and still wanted me, she would seem a bit withdrawn and distant. I thought she was being hard, unfeeling. I realise now she had to be like that to preserve her sanity. She was getting stress from both of us.

I get this stressed feeling a lot. I have learned how to hide it in order to be there for either man or my girlfriend when I need to. Sometimes I have to suck it up for a bit in order to make sure they know that everything is good. It has taken practice. There is no room for me to be a princess in all this. not that things aren't good. Most of the time I am just overwhelmed with not having had time for myself. Once I get that time, I find that if I have made one last ditch effort to make sure all know that they are important to me, then I won't have to work extra hard to do so later... whoever said that poly is about having ones cake and eating it too is full of shit. It really doesn't work like that...

I agree with Sage.

...or maybe you should just hold tight and let the current emotional turmoil settle before contemplating causing anymore......
To maintain your relationships you are going to have to be really, really stable in your position so that both the men in your life can feel stable in theirs. This is obviously also bringing up your husband's insecurities now that your boyfriend is available, hence original fight. Fights are not always about what they seem to be about at first glance.

A lot of the time, waiting for a couple of days or even waiting to see if there is a cycle to some issues means that there is more evidence that they should be addressed. Most of the times there is little to nothing behind turmoil... I agree also that being stable in your position means that partners can rely on you to be an anchor. At least in the beginning. Things change, sure, but if the fundamentals (common values for instance) to relationships don't then the foundation can be built and partners can rely on that and fall back on what you have said and have come to show in day to day life.
 
Sorry LMBL if this is hijacking your thread a bit.... Something redpepper just said..

I get this stressed feeling a lot. I have learned how to hide it in order to be there for either man or my girlfriend when I need to. Sometimes I have to suck it up for a bit in order to make sure they know that everything is good. It has taken practice. There is no room for me to be a princess in all this. not that things aren't good. Most of the time I am just overwhelmed with not having had time for myself. Once I get that time, I find that if I have made one last ditch effort to make sure all know that they are important to me, then I won't have to work extra hard to do so later... whoever said that poly is about having ones cake and eating it too is full of shit. It really doesn't work like that...

.

My wife and I talked about this very thing yesterday. We had an argument within 5 minutes of her coming home. But then later we talked it out and she said it was always exactly the same with the other guy. She admitted that she just doesn't know how to suck it up and doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut (her words not mine!). She said she is going to work at it.
 
Your not hijacking my thread. I thought this through. I had a hard time on sat night. When I indicated I was taking me time. This was not well received. I deserved it after all the crazy stuff. I also called BFF to take my child for a couple of nights. Nothing I haven't done for her.

Yesterday, morning I had a great talk with hubs, last night I had a great talk with BF. I also called my BFF, to take my child for a couple of nights.

RP, I get what your saying about being a Princess. However, when some hard stuff goes down in a relationship it seems sometimes some self care is called for or I for one would burn out.

VF I am so glad you came over here. I was concerned about you at that other forum and am glad you have found a place of support. Hugs
 
Your not hijacking my thread. I thought this through. I had a hard time on sat night. When I indicated I was taking me time. This was not well received. I deserved it after all the crazy stuff. I also called BFF to take my child for a couple of nights. Nothing I haven't done for her.

Yesterday, morning I had a great talk with hubs, last night I had a great talk with BF. I also called my BFF, to take my child for a couple of nights.

RP, I get what your saying about being a Princess. However, when some hard stuff goes down in a relationship it seems sometimes some self care is called for or I for one would burn out.

VF I am so glad you came over here. I was concerned about you at that other forum and am glad you have found a place of support. Hugs

Ah glad you managed to sort things out with both of them LMBL. Yes that other forum was really something wasn't it? My wife read the first load of reponses after I had been on it bout a week, that was about the second week in of our arrangement. She said "You really shouldn't be looking at this stuff, your brain is like sponge at the moment, it is just soaking all this negative stuff up." She wouldn't look at it after that. I don't know why I kept going back. Thanks again for bringing me here.
 
update

I just wrote this whole big thing about the fact that my BF, who loves me deeply just broke things off with me.

He did this as he felt to guilty to continue ending his marriage. He is mono and he couldn't live with the guilt over his children and the pressure his ex, now wife again I suppose was putting on him. He has been going to counseling with her for the children. So now he is at his friends, and bringing taking his stuff back to their home.

He wants us to go to the friend zone, until things change whatever that means. He told me, he thought I was going to be angry. I am not.

I hurt. I knew he was having problems with the guilt over his children when I met him.
 
Sorry to hear you are feeling sad LMBL.
 
It's hard when the relationship ends and your still both in love. It's hard to see someone you love hurt. It's hard to understand this crytic, when things change thing, he said. It is hard to know that I encouraged him to go to this counseling to help communicate using the kids in a passive aggressive manner was not good for the kids. However, he is a grown man, it's his life and his choice.
 
I feel horrible about this whole break up between BF and I.

Last was the first time since July when there was no good night. This morning is the first time there was no good morning. Then our sunday thing is a mess. We watch football and if we can't be togather when he is at corporate we talk about it all day long. Right, now I am missing our rituals and mostly I just miss him. The thought of him made me smile, all the time.
I am somewhat at a loss today. I miss the feeling of bliss, the feeling of serenity, the feeling of butterflies.

I want to text him and say I miss you. I can't. I can't make this harder for him. He told me, that he has to go grieve us and play happy or at least try for happy. He says, he has to do this alone and I have support. I think that isn't true. I have to grieve this for myself. I don't even know if I am making sense. Right now I am not even sure if I can be his friend for awhile.

I do want him to be happy to be able to live with peace in his mind.

I just don't know how to do this right now.
 
HI LMBL

Sorry to hear you're so sad. Are you able to let your husband comfort you in this? I know when Z was going through a rough patch with his SO it felt awful because he seemed unable to let me help and that's what I needed to do. Watching his pain was unbearable, but when he was finally able to let me in and receive some comfort from me it helped us both.
 
Sage,

My husband doesn't really know what is going on, inside me. I have been sick for a week, and lost my voice. All he knows is that A went back to his wife. My husband doesn't really know that I am hurt and sad. I asked him to read something that I wrote and he chose not to.

My BFF knows I am poly and the situation with A and she doesn't know at all.
We texted for 1 min, about my husband coming over to help her husband with something and her phone died.

My husband was wrapped up in his own stuff this weekend. Hoping these new antibodtics clear things up, I have a few things to say. To both him and A.

With A, I need to understand what he envisions the friendship being. I need to know if what he wants is for me to support him and the only one he, totally honest with his feelings about his marriage with. I have long told him, he wasn't fair with her not telling her from the beginning of their relationship how he felt. That he says, it was a mistake to marry, and let himself be pressured into engagement and felt he couldnt get out of it.

He is a conflict avoider. I have encouraged him to express his honest feelings. I think he expects me to maintain a role of support for his inner self. I am not sure I can be that person for him. As much as I want him to be happy, I do hurt. He can't be their to comfort me without feeling horrible guilt. He is already in a bad place.

Honestly, I don't believe my husband can comfort me in this either. For me it is about talking to my BFF and my other friend who knows. Getting some of my feelings out about it. My husband doesn't want to know the dept of my feelings for A and I understand that. That doesn't mean he didn't pat my hand the other night. I don't want to give him germs, with a fever and such. He gave this to me and I don't know if he can catch it again.

Honestly, I think it is confusing as my first poly relationship ended with a huge feeling of relief. I was loved S, but not with a huge dept. With A it is very very different, we have such a deep connection.

I am truly just lost in how to handle all this. I want to be friends, and support him. How do I do that when I have such hurt? I know the reasons aren't about our feelings, but about circumstances.
 
(((((LMBL)))))

Sorry you are in so much pain. I'm thinking about you!

Hugs - Kat
 
I think it is too soon and raw for you to make any decisions about it yet.
I agree that your husband might not be able to give you the exact emotional support you need in this. Not because he doesn't care, but just because of his position in your V.
I don't understand why he would refuse to read your note though.
But once you feel a little better there is no reason he could not perhaps help you fill your time up, go on days out etc. To take your mind off things? Then your answer will come to you gradually on its own.
Some things definitely seem unresolved with A.

Best wishes
 
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