Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I really have no idea what I am going to do. Here it is Friday, and again, tomorrow it will be a full week since either of my guys has given me any sexual attention. I was almost in tears last night with PunkRock, wondering why neither of them will share this with me. He says he's just tired. DarkKnight says he himself is just the same as always and doesn't love me any less.

Yet I am beginning to feel worn down and rejected. My current negative body self-image isn't helping. I have no doubts that my guys love and care for me, but the lack of sex just wears at me. My drive is not less - I want sex at least twice a day, and though I know that is unrealistic, only having it once a week is woefully inadequate for my needs and I just feel anxious about it, constantly. I don't like feeling this way.

I've spent the whole last week wanting to push my guys down and tear their clothes off, but instead I just try to not face their rejection by shutting that part of my brain and body down and it just doesn't work. I'm not sleeping well and I am just miserable. I tried talking to PunkRock last night but he answered my statements with silence. I wasn't sure what to do with that - I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. Then I start thinking that he's just being quiet because he doesn't want to hurt MY feelings, that this 20 pounds makes me gross to him and there's nothing he can do to overcome that. The thought of that makes me want to cry too.

I don't know. I am keeping it together right now. I have been depressed all week and thinking of my dad often, for no reason. DarkKnight has been up and down emotionally too, as today is when his dad passed, a year ago. I am on my period. I've stuck to my new diet, even though I am hungry and tired most of the time, wanting donuts in the worst way. So I am conceding that maybe I am just hyper sensitive right now. That said, the sex just isn't happening, and that has nothing to do with emotions. It's a very real hole in my life. It just adds to all the yucky feelings.

Sigh. There are a million good things going on in my life otherwise, though. I have lots of positives to turn my mind to, and to focus on. One of my close friends texted me and asked me to go to dinner with her and another friend on Sunday, because she needs support and misses me. How awesome! I was glad to say hell yes! :) I miss her too. Another friend, who I only know online, texted me and asked for support as she was feeling alone, even though she too has two husbands. She doesn't feel accepted by anyone and was feeling judged and like a terrible person. I have plans to go meet her this summer, though no firm dates yet. Stl, something to look forward to doing.

I just had a great concert date with PunkRock, and yesterday my daughter and I had fun playing an expansion to Pandemic - virulent strain - even though we lost. We are both looking forward to camping next week, as several of her friends will be in the same cabin loop. I've even been asked twice by different people to please bring certain games, and my daughter was excited about bringing Pandemic so we can play the BioTerrorist expansion scenario with her friends. DarkKnight is looking forward to the trip too, and I am really wanting some alone time with him, out in nature. He is actually taking a half day of work today, and he and I are going to Chambersburg to see his grandfather and visit the cemetery where his father is buried. This might not sound so happy, but again, I am glad to have some one on one time with him, and to be there for him.

And then both PunkRock and DarkKnight are going to the National Aquarium with me on the 23rd. That should be a blast!

If only I could get this sexual piece worked out. I have so much love in my life, but in this one part I am so out of sorts. :(
 
Hi Bluebird,

I think the problem is a very simple one. DK and PR crave sex in general much less than you do. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them, and it doesn't have anything to do with your weight. Now a simple problem isn't necessarily an easily-solved problem, and I don't know how to solve this problem. I don't think there are any medications that can fix it. I think most SSRI's lessen one's sex drive, but not for everyone and usually not much. Not to mention would you even want to change this basic part of your personality, even if you could?

I would say seek a third partner but I know that solution would present new problems as well. What about seeking a compromise with DK and PR, or, are they already compromising (given their weak drives)? Would they be willing to have sex twice a week instead of once a week? Would scheduling the sex help? I know that probably doesn't sound very romantic.

Maybe it's just a matter of powering through the frustration? Does venting here help?

Anyway, I don't think it's anything anyone could or should be blamed for. It just is.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Just being heard helps. I often just shut down because I feel like both my guys should know that, hello! I'm horny always, and if we haven't had sex, then of course I am going to start being wonky. This isn't good, because yeah, I am kind of asking them to mind reader me on this, but honestly, I don't think they have much difficulty understanding, as this has always been an issue with me.

PunkRock held me while I cried a bit last night and he said he understood he hadn't been there physically lately and that he was certain he would be able to commit to at least twice a week sexy times. Lol He really is the best at making me feel heard when I have an issue. He gave me tons of big, pressured hugs and the holding helped a lot. We had good sex this morning too.

Later this afternoon though, I started thinking and now I am a bit worried that he only said this because he doesn't want me to go find another partner. I wasn't thinking this at the time of the conversation though, and tonight he is working til 10 pm so I prolly won't have time to talk to him about it later. Maybe I will. Anyway, whether or not he and DarkKnight are sexing me up regularly - that doesn't change that I am in fact a poly person.

To be clear, neither of us mentioned this at all last night.

I am not convinced he likes me as a poly person, though he hasn't said that specifically. In March he asked me to be on hold until October right now, before dating anyone new. That is fine because I am not interested in dating at the moment. It does suck that I'm not getting the sex I need, but I don't think there's ever been a time period where that was the case. Anyway, I think he accepts it, but as a mono guy he isn't thrilled, I don't think, at the thought of me hooking up with others.

Thinking this through today, honestly I think the lack of sex thing would only impact whether or not I am trolling OKCupid or Tinder or Fet for play partners, but it wouldn't be a factor in finding another person I want to keep around. I have zero desire to go search for anyone in a relationship. I can see something maybe coming up organically, like maybe I meet someone I click with while out at a game night, or in person someplace, where I'm like, wow this guy clicks with me and we need to hook up and see how it goes. But I am not in a place where trolling OKC or wherever for a hookup would make me feel good or happy. So even if I were "allowed" to do that, I don't think I would until I could feel better about it. If that makes sense.

Ugh. So I guess I am looking at another conversation. I don't want my love only having sex with me because he thinks it starves off me looking for love elsewhere. Because it won't, in the long run. Because I won't actually be looking for it, if it does happen. Honestly, I'm very happy otherwise with every aspect of my relationships with both DarkKnight and PunkRock, and I don't really want another partner, ever, anyway. At this point.

Sorry for all that stream of consciousness stuff but I am trying to work this out in my head.

After looking this all over agin, it seems very clear to me that I am attempting to mind reader PunkRock and worrying over something that may not even be an issue anyway. So I will definitely make time tonight to talk to him again, so this isn't the case!
 
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Heh, perhaps my standards are lower, but my first thought was, "Damn, if PR is willing to have sex twice a week, who cares what his reason is? He's a good guy and is allowed to be a little Machiavellian." But I suppose you should at least talk to him and say, "You know, if I meet someone who interests me, I'm likely to want to start seeing them even if I'm already getting enough sex. You understand that right?"

Or could you compromise on your end and just have the two partners you already have -- if they're willing to compromise and have sex twice a week? (If both guys were willing, that would total four times a week.) Every polyamorist has a saturation point right? Could you stop a little shy of your saturation point? Not trying to give you a bad time, just casting about for possibilities.
 
Ha! Well, I believe he was saying at least twice a week, and not giving me a punch card good for just two times. :) Haha! Now I am thinking about getting those printed out, so I can redeem them! :) :)

I feel like I am at my saturation point right now with relationships, which is why I am ok with being on hold for new ones. Both my guys keep me busy and I will be teaching two classes in the Fall. I don't have time at the moment to be responsible for someone else's heart. I've thought about this a lot - earlier this year - and I would hate to shortchange someone else, or have a difficult time juggling my existing loves.

As far as it goes with compromising and not seeking out additional partners if I am having sex four times a week already - I think that would be fine. DarkKnight is not likely to increase his frequency, however. He is absolutely a once a week kind of guy. Honestly, even talking about both the guys forcing themselves to sex me up twice a week kind of sucks - I don't want pity sex and I don't want them to feel like they are having to do this. I don't want sex to be a chore - I want it to be joyfully given and something they really want to do with me. If they are just going through the motions, no. That isn't good for me.

If it is something we have to write down on the calendar and they are unhappy about it, I'd rather schedule in a hookup and get it done that way. I want the guy to be having a good time too!
 
In recent months/years (I lost count), I've found that my libido has changed in a peculiar way. I used to have urgent needs for sex. Now something of the opposite is true. Sex is kind of scary and hard to get into. I don't feel any disappointment when I "have to" skip sex, in fact I feel rather relieved.

But ...

When the time comes to have sex, I find that once my body starts to get on board, my psyche quickly catches up. So while I start out with a feeling of dread, I soon get past that and experience the euphoria. Then sex doesn't feel like a chore at all, it feels very hot and is something I very much want to engage in.

So I wonder if this is how PR and/or DK feel about sex. Like, even if it is, "a chore," it soon becomes something much more awesome than a chore, once they get over that initial hurdle. Does that make sense? It's like sex is "hard to do" until you're actually doing it. So even if they're granting you a concession so to speak, the pity/chore-ness of it soon morphs into joy once they're doing it. So maybe they're granting a concession but they receive something even better in return?

[shrug] I'm projecting my experience onto them, so I could be totally wrong. But it was a thought I had about it.
 
Bluebird, it occurs to me that you might want to review your blog and make note of every post where you talk about being really upset over not getting enough sex. I mean, sometimes you'll mention that you haven't had sex for a few days but it doesn't seem to bother you much. Then there are these other times when you write about it and come across as rather distraught. Crying, feeling fat, feeling rejected, hating yourself, all kinds of negativity, and so on.

I am just wondering if you might see any pattern surrounding the times you get super upset about it - does it mostly happen when you're menstruating, for example? Is it a certain number of days without sex, perhaps, that sends you off the deep end? Or is it when you are stressed or feeling vulnerable or dealing with other challenging issues that having sex less frequently fells like another problem that is heaped on top of everything else? It might be a constructive exercise to see if there are any thought processes, behaviors, or circumstances that seem to accompany those times when you were very deeply upset by it.

Just a thought.
 
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Yeah, I actually have made note of it. I am actually quite aware of my triggers, since I have been dealing with it so long.

Absolutely, my period is a big fuck-all with my emotions. Usually I can feel that acutely and filter out my anxiousness because it's easy to chart and count and then attribute.

4 days is my trigger point with no sex. I start feeling squirrelly by the 3rd day and by the 4th I am anxious. I know I have actually mentioned this before. It was one of the first "requirements" I had when starting poly - I wanted another partner who could give me physical contact no less than 3 days apart because I know that's what I need.

Honestly I think things had been going well, as PunkRock was keeping pace for quite a while. His work schedule changed though, and then the sex level dropped. Having sex only twice within a two week span was more than I could handle though. As well as I can describe it, my brain starts going into overdrive and trying to come up with ways to survive the famine. With my ex-husband, we would go months without sex, even though I was crazy horny. I think I am hyper sensitive to shifts that look like they could become a long term pattern and I freak out now.

Worrying and then dumping it all here is a good coping mechanism for me.

I talked to PunkRock as soon as he came home and he assures me that it isn't a chore, or something he fears or dreads. He thinks it just comes down to managing his time better so he isn't drop dead tired at bedtime. We did discuss my poly self and he seemed just fine. He said that when he was talking last night, his promises were not made because he feared me dating or sleeping with anyone else. I believe him. He has never, ever given me reason to believe he would lie or not tell me a straight answer to anything. He's pretty awesome that way. Awesomesauce, even. :)

I think what I need to do better is articulate my fear to my guys when I hit day 4, rather than start to fold in on myself and letting anxiety race away with my thoughts. I keep thinking that of course they should know this by now - they've both been with me long enough, but I see that my need for sex is much greater, so I place much more importance on not having it. So I am very aware of when it has been too long. PunkRock says that he is well sated, so he doesn't notice 3 days, as he's focused on other things. I think this is also probably due to only being with me overnight every other night. If we stay up late reading the one night, and then the next he is on his own so he stays up late painting and then the third he is tired from work and isn't sex-minded that night, well he isn't stressing. But by the time we are in bed together again it has now been 5 days and I am beyond my stretch point. So then if something happens so sex doesn't happen, we are then sitting at a full week the next overnight and I am trying to figure out what is going on.

I think the times when I am not as upset about missing days is when I have asked for and received both a verbal and physical reassurance - a massage or deep long hugs during the in between times. I need that. I will definitely be more proactive in requesting it. The key, I think, is getting it from both of my guys, when I'm not getting "it" from either. :)

So, I am currently reassured, because of our talk tonight again, but also I had sex this morning with PunkRock and I just reconnected with DarkKnight a few minutes ago. So all is calm now. I've reset. I have also had a good week so far on my diet - and I got more exercise in this afternoon walking two different cemeteries with DarkKnight.

Thanks bunches for your suggestions, for real!
 
It sounds like Physical Touch is your love language.
 
It absolutely is. WAY higher score there than anyplace else. I think my next closest was quality time.
 
Maybe, also, PunkRock doesn't think that just because it's been three or four days without sex for him, that it automatically means three or four days without sex for you, too. I mean, you have DarkKnight too, and PR might not be aware of when you and DK have sex. He might not realize you've gone without.

I think, though, that you might want to speak up on Day Three rather than Day Four.
 
Points taken. :)

So, today I am very tired, yet here I am awake since 5 am. Alarm goes off for one of my guys, and there is no getting back to sleep for me! That said, yesterday I slept like a log until 10 am. That may sound impressive but I had been up until 3 am the night prior! I've been cracking out on reading the last couple of days. Over the weekend, I slammed through Hugh Howey's Silo Series - Wool, Shift and Dust - as well as the book, The Martian, though I forget the author at the moment. It's the one that's been made into a Matt Damon movie. All 4 novels were great. My daughter is now reading Wool. Lol

I also spent a large chunk of time taking photographs of headstones for folks on the Find a Grave website with DarkKnight. I actually am hoping to squeeze in some time to do some of of that today. Basically people want pictures of their relatives' graves, but since they live across the country, they can't get to the cemetery. So, they put in a request for a photo. I visited 3 cemeteries this weekend and took, I don't know 15 or so pics? The hard part is that the graves could be anywhere in a cemetery, so you have to look at every headstone! I burned many calories walking in the sunlight!

Some positive news - I have lost 4.4 pounds since starting to count calories last Tuesday. So I've thrown down the gauntlet and I am kicking ass. That's in spite of the fact that I went out to dinner with two friends last night - I did so well!

Today around 3 I am going to go play WarMachine in a Journeyman League with PunkRock. Until then I have a lot of emails to churn through, and I need to make lists and shop for our camping trip, which starts tomorrow. DarkKnight is really looking forward to our mini vacation, and I am too. (PunkRock and I will take a separate trip in August.) It's just a lot of prep work. We rented a cabin this time, so at least we don't have to fuck around with a tent. Our youngest daughter is coming with us. Oh! I just bought her a ticket to go see One Direction with some friends in August, so she is fairly happy at the moment. :)
 
Congrats on the weight loss!! That's awesome (and will hopefully help you feel better, too :))
 
Find a grave is great :) My mom is really into it. Enough that I don't bring her gifts back from a trip, I bring back a few hundred pics of headstones for her to catalogue and upload, lol. She loves it! We've done a number of complete graveyards in Hometown as well as in Frequently-visited-vacstion-spot. :)
 
So tired! Ugh. DarkKnight is taking a half day of work today so we can leave after for our camping trip. I have almost nothing ready, though we did use our date night yesterday to do the grocery shopping. I'm going to send him out to get ice when he's free, and then I'll prep all the meals and fill the two coolers we are taking. Soon though, I need to roll out of bed and pack my clothes and toiletries.

Yesterday I was a slacker. PunkRock had the day off of work, and after sexy times I was so motivated to play WarMachine, so we did one game. It was so very close and a lot of fun, even though I lost. Right now for the Journeyman league, for the first week we play with a BattleBox only, or an approved point substitute. I am not at all used to the models I am playing with but it has been fun the last few days to learn! PunkRock is using a brand new army who no one in the league has played before, so he's freaking everyone out. :) Anyway, after playing PunkRock at home, I went to the game store and played another round against someone else, losing that too. That game taught me a lot, actually, and I am really bummed I am leaving on a trip because I really want to play more!
 
The hard part is that the graves could be anywhere in a cemetery, so you have to look at every headstone!
Next time, make it easier on yourself and stop at the cemetery office first to give them the names you are looking for. They usually provide you with plot numbers and a map. Or you can write to them in advance. Besides, the exact location of the plot is great information for any genealogist to have in their files (actually, I consider it essential).
 
Well, the graveyard has around 13,900 plots and there were around 300 requests. I wasn't filling anything specifically. We did have a map of the different sections, but plot numbers weren't on the map. The graves we found listed the section and the plot number, so it was a matter of trying to find the right part of the section we were in. Oy! DarkKnight and I agreed that asking for a more detailed map would be helpful, but a friend told us there wasn't one for that particular cemetery - so it would be a matter of asking for individual names. since we didn't have a particular agenda and there were a couple of funerals in progress in different sections, we didn't want to bug the office. I do plan to stop in the next time I visit that cemetery. :)

Well tonight is our last night of camping. I have liked having a cabin, and being right next to all of my friends. We had a nice hike to the waterfalls this morning and spent the rest of the day at the lake. I have managed to stick with my diet this week and feel good about that. Tomorrow I am looking forward to going home and showering. I refuse to use the bathhouse here to soap up because there are so many bugs in it! So being in my own bathroom is something I am really going to revel in!

I have missed PunkRock but have really enjoyed being alone in the woods with DarkKnight. He has been completely sweet and also a hero when a moth invaded our cabin! I love snuggling up with him at night - he makes me feel so very safe and cared for with his hugs. We have had some short walks around the camp loop together, and back and forth to the bathhouse. Lol Not exactly quality time but it is time together, holding hands and feeling secure. That's always wonderful!
 
Sounds like a lovely time. :)
 
Well we had an eventful day yesterday! We returned home early enough that I surprised PunkRock while he was showering for work. Honestly, I think he was disappointed to see me, as he had plans to have a bouquet of flowers waiting for me, and he was preparing to go purchase them. He ended up going directly to the store so he could present them to me before he left for work. Such a sweetie!

We unpacked and did a ton of laundry, and I cleaned out the fridge. Then DarkKnight and I went to Sam's Club and the grocery store and loaded up for the week. $340. Sigh. I was hoping to keep it under $240 this week, but nope. Budget broken.

I met PunkRock for dinner (subs) when he had his break at 6 pm, and it was so great to be together again. We spent time talking about our WarMachine armies and the league we are in together.

On my way back home, I received a text from our mutual friend in both the league and our D&D group, so I went to meet him and another guy at the game store, but before he arrived we switched our meetup to my house. DarkKnight joined us in creating characters for a new D&D campaign, using Pathfinder rules (the group we are in now is 5.0). The plan right now is to meet Saturday nights at my house starting next week. PunkRock is going to drop the Sunday group as his schedule has become erratic, and the hope is he will be able to attend the new group since it is at our house. :)

Tonight both guys are coming back over so we can get some WarMachine games in before Sunday, when the new week starts. PunkRock works til 6, so I think they are coming over around then. During the day today, DarkKnight bought the two of us tickets to see AntMan. I have a lot of planning to do for the rest of the summer as well - budgeting, paying bills and figuring out schedules for everything.
 
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