Bluebird
Well-known member
I really have no idea what I am going to do. Here it is Friday, and again, tomorrow it will be a full week since either of my guys has given me any sexual attention. I was almost in tears last night with PunkRock, wondering why neither of them will share this with me. He says he's just tired. DarkKnight says he himself is just the same as always and doesn't love me any less.
Yet I am beginning to feel worn down and rejected. My current negative body self-image isn't helping. I have no doubts that my guys love and care for me, but the lack of sex just wears at me. My drive is not less - I want sex at least twice a day, and though I know that is unrealistic, only having it once a week is woefully inadequate for my needs and I just feel anxious about it, constantly. I don't like feeling this way.
I've spent the whole last week wanting to push my guys down and tear their clothes off, but instead I just try to not face their rejection by shutting that part of my brain and body down and it just doesn't work. I'm not sleeping well and I am just miserable. I tried talking to PunkRock last night but he answered my statements with silence. I wasn't sure what to do with that - I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. Then I start thinking that he's just being quiet because he doesn't want to hurt MY feelings, that this 20 pounds makes me gross to him and there's nothing he can do to overcome that. The thought of that makes me want to cry too.
I don't know. I am keeping it together right now. I have been depressed all week and thinking of my dad often, for no reason. DarkKnight has been up and down emotionally too, as today is when his dad passed, a year ago. I am on my period. I've stuck to my new diet, even though I am hungry and tired most of the time, wanting donuts in the worst way. So I am conceding that maybe I am just hyper sensitive right now. That said, the sex just isn't happening, and that has nothing to do with emotions. It's a very real hole in my life. It just adds to all the yucky feelings.
Sigh. There are a million good things going on in my life otherwise, though. I have lots of positives to turn my mind to, and to focus on. One of my close friends texted me and asked me to go to dinner with her and another friend on Sunday, because she needs support and misses me. How awesome! I was glad to say hell yes! I miss her too. Another friend, who I only know online, texted me and asked for support as she was feeling alone, even though she too has two husbands. She doesn't feel accepted by anyone and was feeling judged and like a terrible person. I have plans to go meet her this summer, though no firm dates yet. Stl, something to look forward to doing.
I just had a great concert date with PunkRock, and yesterday my daughter and I had fun playing an expansion to Pandemic - virulent strain - even though we lost. We are both looking forward to camping next week, as several of her friends will be in the same cabin loop. I've even been asked twice by different people to please bring certain games, and my daughter was excited about bringing Pandemic so we can play the BioTerrorist expansion scenario with her friends. DarkKnight is looking forward to the trip too, and I am really wanting some alone time with him, out in nature. He is actually taking a half day of work today, and he and I are going to Chambersburg to see his grandfather and visit the cemetery where his father is buried. This might not sound so happy, but again, I am glad to have some one on one time with him, and to be there for him.
And then both PunkRock and DarkKnight are going to the National Aquarium with me on the 23rd. That should be a blast!
If only I could get this sexual piece worked out. I have so much love in my life, but in this one part I am so out of sorts.
Yet I am beginning to feel worn down and rejected. My current negative body self-image isn't helping. I have no doubts that my guys love and care for me, but the lack of sex just wears at me. My drive is not less - I want sex at least twice a day, and though I know that is unrealistic, only having it once a week is woefully inadequate for my needs and I just feel anxious about it, constantly. I don't like feeling this way.
I've spent the whole last week wanting to push my guys down and tear their clothes off, but instead I just try to not face their rejection by shutting that part of my brain and body down and it just doesn't work. I'm not sleeping well and I am just miserable. I tried talking to PunkRock last night but he answered my statements with silence. I wasn't sure what to do with that - I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. Then I start thinking that he's just being quiet because he doesn't want to hurt MY feelings, that this 20 pounds makes me gross to him and there's nothing he can do to overcome that. The thought of that makes me want to cry too.
I don't know. I am keeping it together right now. I have been depressed all week and thinking of my dad often, for no reason. DarkKnight has been up and down emotionally too, as today is when his dad passed, a year ago. I am on my period. I've stuck to my new diet, even though I am hungry and tired most of the time, wanting donuts in the worst way. So I am conceding that maybe I am just hyper sensitive right now. That said, the sex just isn't happening, and that has nothing to do with emotions. It's a very real hole in my life. It just adds to all the yucky feelings.
Sigh. There are a million good things going on in my life otherwise, though. I have lots of positives to turn my mind to, and to focus on. One of my close friends texted me and asked me to go to dinner with her and another friend on Sunday, because she needs support and misses me. How awesome! I was glad to say hell yes! I miss her too. Another friend, who I only know online, texted me and asked for support as she was feeling alone, even though she too has two husbands. She doesn't feel accepted by anyone and was feeling judged and like a terrible person. I have plans to go meet her this summer, though no firm dates yet. Stl, something to look forward to doing.
I just had a great concert date with PunkRock, and yesterday my daughter and I had fun playing an expansion to Pandemic - virulent strain - even though we lost. We are both looking forward to camping next week, as several of her friends will be in the same cabin loop. I've even been asked twice by different people to please bring certain games, and my daughter was excited about bringing Pandemic so we can play the BioTerrorist expansion scenario with her friends. DarkKnight is looking forward to the trip too, and I am really wanting some alone time with him, out in nature. He is actually taking a half day of work today, and he and I are going to Chambersburg to see his grandfather and visit the cemetery where his father is buried. This might not sound so happy, but again, I am glad to have some one on one time with him, and to be there for him.
And then both PunkRock and DarkKnight are going to the National Aquarium with me on the 23rd. That should be a blast!
If only I could get this sexual piece worked out. I have so much love in my life, but in this one part I am so out of sorts.