Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Heh. Yep, he likes being all slippery. I don't mind. :)
 
Before she started drinking, she started crying and telling me how much she hated her life, how she never should have married her husband and how he was so unsupportive to her. She said she married him and stayed with him because she wanted all of her children to have the same father.

It's hard to hear all the complaining over and over again, knowing they won't do a damn thing to correct the situation. Sometimes you just can't take it anymore and have to tell them to take steps to make changes (marriage counselor, divorce, go back to school, etc) or STFU. Making no changes = the conscious choice to live with the status quo, so stop complaining about your choice. I like your brother's move to just drop her off and leave her to her own devices.
 
I still feel like I am all jittery and full of anxiety, but there is nothing specific that I can pinpoint. My mom is pretty much in need of at least two phone calls a day from me, and that is a bit exhausting. There isn't much to say at that frequency, and I find myself wishing she had a facebook so she could follow my life there. My dad used to show her everything but now she has lost that as an option. She sold his tablet to my sister, so she doesn't even have a computer.

We are discussing moving PunkRock down to the basement area and my son upstairs in the single bedroom. My son has been failing to keep up on the cleaning and I think I've posted before as to how that is so aggravating. Initially we were talking about switching their locations, so if my mom moves in, PunkRock won't be sharing a bedroom wall with her. I find myself thinking it would be better to police the cleaning of my son's area if he were upstairs where I always am. I am going to talk to PunkRock about it tonight.

My son did get approved for a car loan from the disability people, but it's $3000 and he has to purchase a 2005 vehicle or newer, from a dealer. That is almost impossible. He does have $2000 he can put toward that, but even at $5000, it's difficult to locate cars that have less than a hundred thousand miles. I guess it's what we have to deal with.
 
Taking my daughter's cat, Stuart, to the vet today. I really don't want to go, as I am having a rough morning. Overall I am just so down and depressed. I went to Subway, intent since yesterday to get back on and stick to my diet, but I ended up eating two cookies. Sigh. My dad's been dead for two whole weeks now. I am so sad. I feel adrift, like I have one line tethered to the earth but another is now flapping in the breeze. I wanted him to die, I really did. Now I'm just so terribly sad about it all.

My hair is so gross today too. I haven't mustered enough want to take a shower this morning, so it's just horrible. I thought about going over to the salon and getting it all chopped off again but then that seems like a struggle as well. Maybe when I get home from the vet, I'll go take a bubble bath and that'll make me feel better.

I did a lot of organizing yesterday evening. PunkRock had his Skype session with his friends and DarkKnight had choral practice, so I tore down my daughter's craft desk and made it into a bill-paying and shipping station. She hasn't touched any art supplies for over a year, and we'd gifted a lot of them away over time, so I combined my scrapbook area with the art supplies to give us a whole new area to use as a focus on paperwork. Prior to this, all the files were in my closet and on my nightstand, so I am happy to have my space back. And stuff is organized now! It's also a positive because something would have had to be done with it all, if my mom moves in, so this is helpful there too.

Unfortunately, the scrapbook desk now looks like a bomb went off on it. I am going to have to get my butt in gear and organize all of that soon.
 
Bubble bath didn't help me emotionally, but I did get clean. PunkRock came home from work shortly thereafter and just wrapped me up in a full body hug for about an hour. That did help. DarkKnight had an exercise club event to go to, so when he got off of work, he gave me a brief amount of kisses and PunkRock took me out to our regular Mexican place for a one-on-one dinner. That was so sweet! It's difficult to feel sad when there is mariachi music playing.

The rest of the evening we spent as a family - my kids and the 3 of us watched a Great Courses history lecture on slavery and then the 2nd Harry Potter movie. Then we all went our separate ways - PunkRock got some painting in, and DarkKnight and I went to bed for some more snuggle time and chitchat.

Today I don't have much on the calendar other than my to-do list items. This evening PunkRock and I are going to Frederick for the sploshing class and I am really excited about it.
 
I'm both bored and starving right now, selling my basement sectional online and waiting for a buyer to show up. I haven't eaten yet today, except for the chai DarkKnight made me at 2 pm. Hopefully PunkRock will read my text messages and bring me home some lunch, since I can't leave the house at the moment.

This is just an entry to fill my time. I am pissed off at my hair still. I can't decide if I want it all cut super short or if I should continue to let it grow so I have some options at my wedding. Here are two recent pics:

Me, on the DC Metro earlier this month

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And me, right now, today

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It's either behaving and looking fabulous, or it's fluffy and aggravating. Or flat as fuck and pissing me off, which was yesterday. If I don't wash it every day, it's nasty and greasy and gross.

Sigh.

I think my teeth are looking great though! Hurray for Invisalign! In both of those photos, the braces are on, so my teeth are shiny and weird. The bottom row is still crooked/overlapping in a couple of places, but it's minimal and I am certain it'll be straight when the braces are off. Which should be June, I think. I'm on set 22/30. I so don't want to math, but uh, next Saturday will be week 23...so June 13? I'm still screwed after that though, because I'll need a retainer on the bottom until January, because I can't afford to get an implant until then. Once the implant is in, I'm told my teeth should stay put. We'll see!

Oh yay, PunkRock just messaged me and he is bringing me chicken sliders from Sheetz. Gotta love my princess life. <3 <3 <3 <3
 
Hi Bluebird,

My personal vote is to let your hair grow more, since like you said then you'll have more options at your wedding.

Good luck! and hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Awwww thanks!

Ok - all about the sploshing class. First off, like 15 people had RSVP'd on FetLife to attend but PunkRock and I were the only ones there. It wasn't awkward though, as there were still members of the club around, and involved in, the demo.

The road going to the location was full of potholes and poorly maintained, and the lighting outside was shitty. PunkRock remarked that it seemed ripe for assaults and not safe. I agreed; it wasn't a good first impression.

Inside was ok. The lobby was nice and we had to sign disclaimers and show IDs. We were given a full tour by the receptionist. The club is very much geared to BDSM. Downstairs is a large, open warehouse space with lots of specified areas for fire play, needle play, suspension play, etc. There's a boot black station and lots of benches for paddling. It was interesting to see the set up, that's for sure! For our class, there was a blue tarp placed in the central empty area, with a small inflatable swimming pool in the center.

Upstairs, there were about 5 private rooms, all with various combinations of beds, beanbag chairs, massage tables, couches. One was a medical room, which was awesome. Two of the rooms had either no door or an open door, for orgies or voyeurs to enjoy. There were darker alcoves with couches all around.

I loved the upstairs!

The class itself was really well-run and the instructor was impressive. She had printed out notes and stayed on topic and kept us interested the entire way through. I definitely came away with new ideas and thoughts and excitement about PunkRock covering me with all sorts of substances! I am even more enthusiastic because he is relocating to the basement this weekend, and the floor down there is tile, and it'll be easy to get to the shower or outside to hose off, after. :)

We had paid to stay and play after, so we went upstairs and signed into the private medical room. I had never had sex on a doctor's table with my feet in the stirrups and PunkRock hadn't had any encounters like that either. So it was crazy fun and hot and I got off lots. We then moved to a different room with a massage table and I gave PunkRock a nice rubdown while we discussed our impressions of the club and the class.

We talked a bit on the drive home too. There is an event on Saturday night that my one friend and I have been talking about going to - a pajama party and body paint event that I am super stoked about attending. It looks as if it will be full of fun people and just the kind of energy that I feed off of. PunkRock is less enthused. He doesn't think I would be happy to see him interacting with anyone, and he doesn't much feel like he wants to anyway. I told him honestly that I think I would be ok with him making out and messing around with other girls but I know I am not ready to see him having sex with anyone yet. He hasn't done any of the More Than Two or Ethical Slut reading that we've talked about as being an essential step, so I am not firm on the idea that he would be ok emotionally. I don't think he is in the right headspace. I also don't think he would be ok with witnessing me having a good time with others.

He did ok when I went on a date with TriviaCutie, but this would definitely be more wanton and just a sexual release for me - I am thinking I would recharge my positive energy levels and have fun meeting new people. I don't want to push him into attending and I don't want to push him to let me attend, if he isn't comfortable with the idea. So we will see.
 
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Oh geez, this is going to be long, and as tired as I am, it will prolly be "to be continued" a couple of times. Still, wow, I need to make sure I get this down because things happened and my life is altered. The narrative is long, and will get longer as I add in all my thoughts and feelings, so I apologize readers, but I need this out of my head and into a form where I can understand where I am at better. There are some doozies, let me tell you!

To be clear from the beginning, so no one is left hanging while I write all this out today and tomorrow, my little polycule is all still together and strong and I am very happy to have such wonderfully supportive men in my life.

I ended up going to two events at the BDSM club Saturday night with my friend, but without either of my guys. She was having some drama in her life so it was kind of crappy for her but I had a good time overall.

Anyway, PunkRock told me Friday he was still not interested in attending. He hates people, it isn't his scene, etc. I told him again I wanted to go and he said ok. He asked if I was planning to hook up, and I said yes. I could tell he wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, but he said he wasn't going to tell me no. So I went.

I saw on Fet that a guy I had hooked up with multiple times at play parties (over a year ago) was "maybe" attending, so I messaged him. This was the younger black dude - 22 - that was slightly obsessed with me all that time ago. He was super cool though, and I was kinda figuring that maybe PunkRock would feel easier about things if I slept with someone he already knew about.

I also texted TriviaCutie and we had a conversation about him attending. Though he was getting a new tattoo the next day, he said it sounded interesting and he might be able to make it. We had a silly conversation about BDSM and how neither of us were into the scene.

I let both PunkRock and DarkKnight know that I had extended invitations to these guys. I then went shopping with my friend to buy lingerie, since the second event was a pajama party. That was fun, but disappointing, because I didn't buy anything. I decided my regular go-to pajama outfit would work just fine - a black cami, black polka-dot shorties and my black knee socks.

I was very insecure and anxious leading up to the events, because I was worried about PunkRock's reaction afterward. In hindsight, I should have heeded my gut instinct, but the entire time, I was really focused on how terribly the last few weeks had gone, and what a recharge the time out was going to give me.

TBC
 
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So, my friend picked me up and we were in high spirits to get to the first event. We arrived a half hour early, so it was around 5. We had brought a 6 pack of Angry Orchard, and since we were just sitting around waiting, we each drank one. Liquid courage! Though, I don't normally need that sort of thing.

Anyway, the first event was a 2 hour "Kink 101" class and it was interesting. I was only attending it because the club recently had their occupancy levels lowered from like 300 to 70, and I was scared it would fill up and we wouldn't be able to attend the pajama party. Still, I figured it would be worthwhile to check out different things.

I ended up trying on a straitjacket, because it looked the least scary. Lol I was crazy surprised at how my entire demeanor changed when it was being put on and once it was tightened. Never in my life have I felt so safe and so secure - so amazingly loved. It was really very wonderful. The guy doing the demo could tell - he actually has a major fetish for that sort of thing and he clued right into the fact that it was an experience for me. I wouldn't say it was a turn on - though I certainly had lots of ideas of how to be used while wearing it :) - but it was just this overwhelming sense of safety and love when it was on. I was hugging myself and it felt wonderful.

I really didn't want to take it off. It did get warm though, and I did have to let others have a turn. :) The guy showing the gear friended me on Fet and has been talking to me since. Nothing sexual, just how he could see I liked it, and where I can purchase one, etc.

TBC
 
I would guess there were about 30 people at the event, which I guess is a lot. Maybe others were thinking they'd come early to be able to attend the pajama party too? A few minutes near the end, my young friend from the play parties arrives and it was really great to see him. Let's call him Snowman. He gave me a hug and we started talking about our lives and what we've been doing since we saw each other last. My other friend that I came with - let's call her Julia - knows Snowman as well, though she's never fooled around with him at all - so we were all very happy to chat and get reacquainted.

Then, TriviaCutie arrived. Like, everything stopped for me when I saw him come in. I couldn't believe he was there! Actually, earlier in the evening, I had asked Julia what if neither of the guys I invited showed, and she told me to stop being silly because everyone loves me. lol But I seriously did not expect both of them to come. Honestly, I thought TriviaCutie would bail on me for sure, because he is not at all into BDSM and I couldn't imagine him at a place like this club at all. He definitely looked out of his element, and he was looking for me. :)

I was so squee to see him - I excused myself and gave him a big hug. He was sporting his new tattoo. New as in, he just finished sitting for a four hour session that day and the plastic had just been pulled off. It was really awesome, and all night long, people were recognizing the subtext hidden in the picture and asking him - OMG is that in reference to X? And he would answer in the affirmative. Honestly, I found it hilarious because neither of us expected to find a bunch of people interested in the subject matter at a sex club. lol

Anyway, I thought it was a good sign that he had come, and dressed in pajamas, no less. He and Snowman seemed to hit it off - almost too well, because later TriviaCutie asked me if Snowman were bisexual. lol Julia was friendly too, and we all seemed to get along. Then I went and changed into my pajamas, so TriviaCutie wouldn't feel out of place. People were slowly trickling in, so there weren't many yet who were wearing pajamas.

I got compliments on my knee socks right away, so that was great.

The 4 of us went and sat in the "cuddle puddle" forming in the middle of the floor, and both Snowman and TriviaCutie were near me, but being respectful. Julia got up and we watched her get hot wax poured on her for a bit, before returning over to us. We decided to get involved with the body painting, and we all talked about what we wanted to do, or have done to us in that arena.
I was loud and obnoxious :) and knew exactly what I wanted, so Snowman agreed to paint a galaxy around one of my boobs.

TBC
 
So we were standing there discussing things, and a voice says, "hey Bluebird." I knew the voice.

It was M.

He told me he had been working there for a bit but he quit. I told him I knew, and that my friend Julia had invited me to attend events, but that I had avoided them because I didn't know where he was in his headspace - I didn't want to weird him out in his territory. He said, "this is my family, you're my family, it's all ok."

I gave him a hug at the beginning - after asking for consent of course.

That was pretty much it.

It was really weird to see him. I can't say I was quite sure how to feel about it, even now. It was like a soft hit to the gut. It hurt in a dull sort of way, because I was surprised, but then I got my air back and it was like, ok, that just happened. I didn't hate him, he didn't make me cry, I wasn't upset. It didn't ruin my night. I guess if you were going to see your ex unexpectedly, it was the best way it should happen.

I pulled my cami down so my tits were out, and Snowman started painting a galaxy. TriviaCutie was just standing there, so I told him to paint another one on my other tit - we'd have a competition! He laughed but allowed himself to be cajoled into doing it. (Didn't have to try hard) Julia was tapped to be judge. They both ended up being pretty awful. Lmao

In the end, TriviaCutie won. Julia and I went to the bathroom to wash it off - yeah, it was bad - and I had her take a pic of it. (Both DarkKnight and PunkRock also independently chose TriviaCutie's boob art as the winner later.)

After I came back, I asked TriviaCutie if he'd like to finish getting a tour of the place, and so I took him upstairs and showed him all of the private empty rooms. We can back out and sat on a couch near the DJ station, where we made out for a while. He was awkward and timid. I told him that he wasn't very smooth and he laughed and agreed. I asked him if he wanted to go into a private room, but when we went to go, they were all claimed.

So we went back downstairs and joined a circle of people in the cuddle puddle, since Snowman and Julia were busy being painted. People were telling offensive jokes, and then we all played a terrible dice game icebreaker - licking, biting, sucking, tickling various body parts. I asked - are we seriously doing this in the center of a BDSM club? - and everyone laughed. Then there was a game of spin the bottle and that had about 35 people in the circle (the club was at capacity at 70 by that point) but I didn't see much action, though TriviaCutie was getting picked left and right by the bottle. I got bored and asked if he wanted to try for a room again and he said sure. One was free, so I called down to him and he came right up.

It was great. I had a really good time with him. He made sure I had good orgasms (not that this is ever an issue for me) and he clearly enjoyed himself. He gave good cuddle time afterward - the clock was broken in our room, but we filled the solid hour that we were allowed. I liked sex with him.

We went back downstairs and it was close to 1 am. After sitting and snuggling for a while, Snowman found us and said his goodbyes. He was friendly and gracious but I felt kind of shitty for not hooking up with him. TriviaCutie told me I should, if I wanted to, but I told him, uh, no! Then Julia came over and we decided to part ways and we all said goodbye.

Julia and I went out to eat at Denny's to talk things over, before getting back to my house at 3 am. I showered, then went to go see PunkRock.

TBC
 
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We were both pretty jangled up, emotionally. I was anxious and PunkRock was anxious and we kept each other up the rest of the night. Lots of deep conversation and loving kindness.

We found some issues that had not be clarified - like, my idea of what constitutes being safe sexually and his definition didn't mesh. We should have figured that out ahead of time. I always felt like DarkKnight and I were ok on that, but I had failed to discuss particulars with PunkRock. Holy shit, that sucked. Then, later, when talking with DarkKnight, it turns out he was not aware of certain things either.

Crisis averted, but we have it on the table for later that we need to sit down and hash out what are solid deal breakers when it comes to sexual situations. Both of them were uncomfortable with a choice I made, though for me, it seemed like no big deal. Especially since I had made that same choice with both of them when we were first together. Dudes are all ok with things when it is them, but not when it is others?? Ugh. Still, we are all ok right now and no one wants to go back to using condoms together - especially since it isn't warranted in this instance - but we've agreed to me stopping that behavior until we've discussed more.

I am going to go get an STD test next month. Again, no threats or concerns, but I wanna have a ground zero reading again.

Emotionally, my sex with TriviaCutie did affect PunkRock. It had an impact on me too - I became hyper-sensitive to PunkRock's statements and mannerisms.

He ended up taking Monday off of work (he already had Sunday off) and we spent the entire time together, pretty much. The reconnect was much needed. I had sex 5 times yesterday so I am feeling good. :) PunkRock says he didn't take off just for sex though - his move to the basement was the predominant factor.

Honestly, I have no idea where TriviaCutie's head is at. I have told him I don't like ambiguity, and I would like to see him again this upcoming weekend. PunkRock and I went and played trivia last night where he was hosting, and he was affectionate with hugs and shoulder rubs at a couple of different points. It wasn't excessive or sparse either. Appropriate given the venue?

I would like to have a label as to where we are at, but I don't know where to put it and I don't think he does either. I have enough going on that I can't stop to focus at the moment, so I figure for the rest of the week I am going to give him silence and space to work things out in his head. If he messages me, then cool. If not, I think it'd be intrusive for me to bug him.

I think I am sitting on an NRE bubble but I am not jumping off of it yet. I feel like there is so much room for error here. I really don't know what I want. I certainly don't really know what he wants. I know he has a regular long term FWB that he sees once a week that is a dude. I know that he hadn't been with a woman for over a year, prior to me. He said I was great for his ego and I have zero doubt that he thoroughly enjoyed himself. I think I may confuse him a bit though, due to my age and my poly-ness.

We will see how it goes. I don't believe I am in any danger of being hurt yet, if he isn't interested in anything. I am comfortable and happy in my relationships right now. He would be a great play partner or boyfriend, but I am not so involved yet.
 
Today I've made some to-do lists and lists about the things the guys in my V need to talk about with me. My emotions have settled a lot and I have things to discuss with both of them individually.

We leave for vacation next week - Great Wolf Lodge - and even that is in flux, as DarkKnight overcame his timidity and auditioned for a role in a local theater production last night. If he makes the show, practices start on Sunday, so he'd have to stay home and miss our time away. I promised him a night out with me, in a hotel someplace when PunkRock and I return, if this happens. I am so freakin excited for him though! I am just really proud that he practiced singing all week - the song "Stars" from Les Mis, and then faced his fear and tried out. It's seriously out of his comfort zone, though he was big in theater when in high school. He performs in a choral group right now already, but to go for it individually is awesome!
 
Sounds like things have been quite busy lately ... mostly in a good way. :) TriviaCutie sounds like a good guy.
 
Does he? I hope so. It's confusing to me, as he is always so positive in his responses, but if I don't text him, I get nothing. He didn't message me today. PunkRock told me that he thinks TriviaCutie does like me, but I dunno. I am worried he is just being kind.

PunkRock and I had another long conversation today when he got off of work about him exploring more of his poly-curious self. I am worried, but I love him and trust him to take care of my heart. So we will see how it goes. He says right now he doesn't want to date but does want to start reading the More Than Two book with me. I finished it a while back but don't mind re-reading it. So we are going to do that. I also suggested that he attend some munches. He said he'd like to talk to other poly people and learn how they balance their lives with multiple partners.

We talked about dating ground rules, but he said he wasn't going to really focus on them until he needs to - so to save what I wrote down. Don't worry - it's the same rules I already use for me - just be std safe, don't date messy people like my friends or family or co-workers or crazies, to keep me informed as to who and where and when (we do this when we are headed out just to go shopping - so we aren't tracking and looking for each other then too) and that we will talk before we have someone sleep over here at the house. Also, to be open and ethical by letting potential partners know that we are married and non-monogamous.

We discussed all of these and seem to be on the same page.He says it's kind of moot right now because he thinks there's lots going on at the moment so all he wants to do is read and talk. I am ok with this, because he's right.
 
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"It's confusing to me, as [TriviaCutie] is always so positive in his responses, but if I don't text him, I get nothing."

Heh, maybe he's like me and doesn't care much for texting. Would starting up an email convo possibly help? Does he prefer to do all his communicating live?

It's great that PunkRock is moving forward cautiously; that's the smart thing to do. "More Than Two" will be a good book for him, all the better if you and he read and discuss it together.
 
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