Is Poly different from other people

Sigyn

New member
Okay, this has been new to me. Is being polyamourous a Thing, like being homosexual, or is it a something that happens to you, like you just happened to fall in love with two people at the same time? Because I always felt like it was just the kind of accident that happens when a bunch of people with hormones were walking around interacting, and were clever enough to talk about it and give it a name. But people on this board are talking about, "Him not understanding you being poly," as if he didn't understand that you were lactose intolerant and kept insisting you drink milk.

What's the general consensus here.
 
Polyamory is a "thing" like monogamy is a "thing". They are words which describe an approach to romantic relating among adults, specifically related to expectations of how many partners are "allowed".

What's the general consensus here.

There is no consensus, not on the definition of polyamory, what is a healthy vs unhealthy arrangement, nothing.

Here is a previous discussion on "how and why you became poly". It's an interesting philosophical discussion but since the idea of what polyamory even means is so varied from person to person that it's really just a survey discussion and you can come to whatever conclusions you think the results point to.
 
It depends upon context.

I am poly in that I am capable of loving more than one person simultaneously.

We are DOING poly in that we have a relationship dynamic where there are more than just two of us.

Some people don't realize that they can love more than one person until it suddenly happens, because they've never considered the possibility before.

Other people learn about the concept through reading or discussions and recognize it as something they could do, having never before had the opportunity.
 
Alas, I don't think we have a general consensus here on whether poly is an orientation, a life situation, or either and both. I tend to think it depends on the context.

There is also no "standard way to decide you're poly." Some people (myself included) largely decided to give poly a try because they've fallen in love with a second person. Others discover info about poly (e.g. on the internet) and decide it sounds like a great idea and something they want to do. Still others have had multiple romantic partners all their life and have always thought of themselves as poly (before they even heard of the word "poly").

Sorry I can't give you a definitive answer to your questions. The truth is, poly people cover a wide range of perspectives about poly, and sometimes they (we) even argue amongst themselves about the very things you're asking about.

Personally, I suspect that some people are more strongly poly oriented than others. Some people could probably take poly or leave it, depending on the circumstances. Others would "die in the desert" without it. And of course still others wouldn't want to touch poly with a ten-foot pole. It really depends on the individual.
 
Well, good, because I didn't want to say something that wildly offended someone and their innate polyness, e.g. if I said that someone could change or something. I've had that difficulty with transgenders (some of whom can be quite militant) using the wrong nomenclature for something and having people I never wanted to offend get really angry. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't stepping in a fire pit at any point. If there was something set and fast in consensus, I wanted to know what it was. Good to know there are no rocks. I'll just keep swimming...
 
There is also no "standard way to decide you're poly." Some people (myself included) largely decided to give poly a try because they've fallen in love with a second person. Others discover info about poly (e.g. on the internet) and decide it sounds like a great idea and something they want to do. Still others have had multiple romantic partners all their life and have always thought of themselves as poly (before they even heard of the word "poly").

Sorry I can't give you a definitive answer to your questions. The truth is, poly people cover a wide range of perspectives about poly, and sometimes they (we) even argue amongst themselves about the very things you're asking about.

Personally, I suspect that some people are more strongly poly oriented than others. Some people could probably take poly or leave it, depending on the circumstances. Others would "die in the desert" without it. And of course still others wouldn't want to touch poly with a ten-foot pole. It really depends on the individual.

This is our case. My DH and I fell in love with our best friends (they're a married couple like us). I found myself in love with someone else. :) My DH found himself in love with someone else. :) My DH is definitely one of the "strongly poly oriented". Me, I would not be here if I hadn't fallen in love with him (and her ;) ).
 
I think that some people are naturally monogamous. When they are fulfilled in a relationship, they don't want to have sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of that dyad. It isn't a sacrifice. It's just how they feel when they are "in love", as much as I hate that term. Even if you rid them of all the societal, religious and cultural pressure to be monogamous, they still would be. They don't need anyone else when they have that someone. People don't exist to them in that context any more.

I think more people lie somewhere outside this rigid monogamy and only stick to it due to those pressures I mentioned earlier. I think the majority of people would thrive in something that is closer to ethical non monogamy or a "monogamish" relationship style that permits relationships with other people that may not be sexual, but do fall outside the emotional parameters of the traditional monogamous relationship.

I think some people are polyamorous and only feel fulfilled when they have the freedom to have the depth of relationship they want with other people opposed to being restricted by any sort of outside boundary that stops them loving who they want to love. I think these people could be described as "naturally poly" if you wanted to be a pedantic dick about it, and they will feel oppressed by a relationship style that forbids them from having the free, organic relationships they crave.

For the "monogamish" and "naturally poly" people, I think monogamy would have always felt like a sacrifice, but they learnt to think of it as a necessity in "proper" relationships. Pretty much like we all did.
 
In my opinion, there's how you *are* and how you *live*.

Someone who *is* gay can choose to *live* heterosexually. Witness the number of homosexual people who marry someone of the opposite sex because "I'm supposed to" or "I don't want to disappoint my family" or "God says so" or whatever.

Someone who *is* transgender can choose to *live* as the physical sex they were born as, though it might be very emotionally painful for them to do so.

Someone who *is* polyamorous can choose to *live* monogamously. I've known since junior high, at least, that the whole "two people together for all eternity" thing didn't make sense to me. When I read books with "love triangles" I never understood why the person couldn't have *both* of the love interests. But my first marriage was monogamous, and so was my current marriage until last year, when we started off with Hubby suggesting an open marriage to address some sexual disparity between us and ended up with me confessing to him that I've never felt "right" being monogamous and had fallen in love with Guy, and that that situation made me feel more balanced and whole than I ever had.

So short answer: In my opinion, being polyamorous is "hard-wired" like sexuality or gender identity, but people often choose to *live* a monogamous lifestyle because polyamory isn't as understood or accepted in our culture, so they might not even realize it's a possibility.
 
Re (from Sigyn):
"Good to know there are no rocks. I'll just keep swimming ..."

Heh, I'd not go so far as to say there's no rocks ... after all, some poly people do think of it as an orientation and wouldn't like to be told they could "change it" (any more than a leopard could change his spots). It's just that the poly-as-orientation belief isn't universally held amongst all polyamorists. Some think of poly as a description of one's current situation; some think of it as a "mild orientation" that leaves wiggle room for monogamous living. But some do think of it as a "hard-core orientation," so have a care not to offend that part of the poly populace. That's my advice, anyway.

I pretty much agree with london, monogamous conditioning pressures some people into being monogamous, and many/most of them probably don't mind that much. But many monogamists have a "hidden poly side" they didn't know they had.

And I largely agree with KC43, in that some poly orientation is so pronounced that, "The leopard could pretend to be an antelope, but he'd still be a leopard, through and through."
 
Okay, this has been new to me. Is being polyamourous a Thing, like being homosexual, or is it a something that happens to you, like you just happened to fall in love with two people at the same time? Because I always felt like it was just the kind of accident that happens when a bunch of people with hormones were walking around interacting, and were clever enough to talk about it and give it a name. But people on this board are talking about, "Him not understanding you being poly," as if he didn't understand that you were lactose intolerant and kept insisting you drink milk.

What's the general consensus here.

Well, good, because I didn't want to say something that wildly offended someone and their innate polyness, e.g. if I said that someone could change or something. I've had that difficulty with transgenders (some of whom can be quite militant) using the wrong nomenclature for something and having people I never wanted to offend get really angry. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't stepping in a fire pit at any point. If there was something set and fast in consensus, I wanted to know what it was. Good to know there are no rocks. I'll just keep swimming...
People have a habit of assuming more solidarity amongst groups of people that are different than there actually is. Here the response is generally "there's no consensus." That's generally true of any group. Even if there is a consensus, there will be people in that group that disagree with the consensus. As much as some people like to think otherwise, an individual can only speak for them self. While members of a group may agree with what another member says or believes, no one speaks for a group as a whole.

As has already been touched on, a lot of things to do with sexuality and gender identity are choices. A gay person could choose to live as a heterosexual, and a trans person could choose to live as cis-gendered. That's not the point. The point is, they shouldn't have to choose to live in ways that contradict who they are.

As for polyamory, I see it as an orientation. When someone says to me "I don't want you to be romantically involved with anyone but me," what I hear is "I own you. You are my possession and I'm very selfish with my possessions." I want no part of that. I have no desire to own anyone or to be owned. I would rather be celibate than be monogamous, and I have made that choice numerous times in my life.
 
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