Do I tell my partner what my metamour said?

Tigergirl

New member
To preface this, we are in a closed Vee, and both my metamour and I have equal status with our shared partner. We have both been dating him almost equal amounts of time and neither of us live with him- he sees us generally the same amount of time. My relationship with my metamour has been rather rocky, usually caused by her insecurities.

Anyway, here's the issue: The other night I went out for drinks with a few others from our kink community. A woman I'm just beginning to be friendly with who knows all three of us asked how close I am with my metamour. I answered, "Not very, why?" She reported to me that at another social gathering a couple months ago, my metamour made an antisemitic comment and it offended a lot of people there. I was a bit taken aback, but not all that surprised- my metamour tends to lack social graces and I assumed she said something ignorant more than intentional. Then my friend told me what she said- "Jewish men tend to be date rapists." I was pretty shocked- definitely no way I could defend that!! Everybody who heard this was also shocked and said that made them uncomfortable to be around her. Then I was questioned about if she said stuff like that often- not to my knowledge, we don't spend much time together though, and she has made one ignorant/racist comment about Indian people in front of me (which I promptly said something about at the time). I was also questioned regarding if our mutual partner knew she said stuff like that and if he was okay with it- the vibe being that people would not want to spend time with him if that was the case. As far as my knowledge goes, he doesn't talk like that, but I don't know if she speaks like that in front of him and how he feels about it. People seemed like they were ready to assume knowledge on his part as her partner and to shun him as well, without any conversation with him. Do I bring this up with him? I feel like he has a right to know if people are thinking badly about him because of his association with her- but I also don't want to come off like I'm tattling on her and trying to start trouble, especially since I wasn't there for the initial comment and the context was very vague. (According to my friend, it literally came out of nowhere.). Thoughts?
 
I would tell him exactly what you wrote here, which wouldn't actually be tattling on the metamour because it's really hearsay and you don't know if it's true or not. But I do think it is something to be concerned about. I would emphasize to him that it is was this person who approached you, brought you the info, was asking you about it, how odd that was, and how uncomfortable it made you to have to listen to that crap. I would make it clear that you don't like gossiping, but couldn't avoid listening to this person, and are trying to give your meta the benefit of the doubt but are concerned about the possibility that people want to shun him. Then I would look him in the eye and say, "Is it true? Does she really think that way and talk like that?" And see what he says.
 
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If you take out the romantic part of the relationship, then you should have your answer. I'm more comfortable being able to share and just openly talk to the people I care about. If a friend, or a coworker said something like that, or someone told me about it, I wouldn't even question telling my husband or boyfriend. Though I would explain the context, being hearsay and my own feelings on how others seemed to react to it. So if it was a metamour, why would I not?

I often tell hubby or boyfriend something the other said or something that happened to them at work or somewhere, this wouldn't be any different.

It sounds like you are worried about coloring his view of her, I can understand that, but as long as you aren't telling him this is how it happened and just what you were told, then you are just letting him know something you do and will probably affect him in the community you are a part of.
 
T Think of it this way: if you don't say something and he is shunned or cut off from his friends, and they tell him why, how do you think it would feel to him if he went to you, told you what happened and you respond with, "Oh yeah, so-and-so told me that about two mos. ago." Eek.
 
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I would mind my own business. There are lots of reasons why she may believe what she said. I'm not saying it is true, but it might be true in her experience.
 
I would mind my own business. There are lots of reasons why she may believe what she said. I'm not saying it is true, but it might be true in her experience.

Someone else made it her business. It's not like she overheard it. Someone directly confronted her about it. That means it's bad enough that it's affecting her life as well.

I say bring it up just to be like, "Is any of this true? Because people are saying this to me."
 
If ot bothers you talk to your metamor about the gossip you heard. I would not tell your partner and I would question what your true intention are. Honestly if you do go to your partner any type of positive relationship you do have with her will be gone. It really is none of your business and if it were me I would let her her have a heads up people are starting rumors about her. She very well could have had something she said taken out of context not said anything of the sort. Even if she did say it she could just deny.it and you'll just be left looking like a shit starter
 
Someone else made it her business. It's not like she overheard it. Someone directly confronted her about it. That means it's bad enough that it's affecting her life as well.

I say bring it up just to be like, "Is any of this true? Because people are saying this to me."

I don't think someone coming to me at a party, while drinking and telling.me gossip makes said gossip my business.
 
Thank you all for the feedback so far. It is much appreciated! I admit, I am having trouble with how to go about this due to the already rocky relationship with my metamour- I don't want to cause more stress between us, but I also think it's wrong to know that people in the community are labeling her anti Semitic without giving her the opportunity to defend herself. Since I wasn't present for the initial comment and wasn't given a lot of context, I don't want to judge too harshly- and while we are FAR from BFF and find the comment as I was told it disgusting, I do feel sort of a team loyalty towards her due to our shared partner. I also don't like that whatever she has said has made people think less of our mutual partner without his being aware (which is why he would be told at all- otherwise it would just be a matter of talking to her or not) or that my being told felt like I was being tested for my reaction because "birds of a feather". I don't appreciate having people wonder if I agree with such sentiments because a girl I barely speak to said something shitty.

I was thinking perhaps an email to both of them? Something along the lines of: "hey, this was said to me, this was my response. Given that I was not there,I don't want to judge too harshly without context, although I agree that what I was told has been said is quite anti Semitic. I wanted to give X the opportunity to know that she has offended people so she can try to make amends with them if she chooses- I don't think it would be fair to know this and not give her the opportunity to make it right. I wanted XX to know because people are judging him as well, and I feel that as his partner it's my duty to inform him about situations that could be negative for him. I don't really need to be involved any further because like I said, I wasn't there for the initial comment, but if either of you needs further info about what was said to me, I can provide that. I hope I'm not upsetting anybody too greatly with this email, definitely not my intention. I have thought a lot about this and decided the fairest thing was to tell you both what was said to me because it's a pretty strong accusation to be called anti Semitic, especially if you don't know people are saying it."
 
I'd need a lot more context before I said her belief was "disgusting" or "anti semantic". Right now, it's just wrong.
 
@london While I'm always willing to accept that some people say terrible things out of ignorance rather than malice, the statement as I heard it ("Jewish men tend to be date rapists") is clearly anti Semitic, as it ascribes the behaviors of a few (and possibly a figurative few, not her actual life experiences) to ALL Jewish men, with the only connection being their religious identity. A similar statement could be said to be racist if she had said "Black men tend to be date rapists" or homophobic if she said "Gay men tend to be date rapists". While I'm sure there are Jewish men out there who have date raped, possibly even to her personal knowledge, that doesn't reflect on ALL Jewish men. I'm willing to accept some ignorance on her part, as she grew up in a country with very few Jews and was not taught sensitivity about this stuff in the same way Americans are...however, she has been in the NYC area for the past nine years and is in her 30s with a professional career- she's hardly living in a vacuum. If there was no malice behind her words and she was just spouting what is typical for the area she grew up in out of ignorance, I feel that she especially deserves to be informed of this issue so she can possibly grow and expand her viewpoint.
 
I think you are doing the right thing, putting it down first takes some of the emotion out of it, it doesn't make it 'your' business either. Let them sort it out and also if she has been slandered she can tell you and be able to defend herself because that is not on!
 
Of course that is an anti Semitic comment!!!!!!!!! :eek: Who is she Borat?

No one wants to be associated with that.
 
Hmm, if someone who lived in certain areas of South Africa said all robbers are black, I would understand why they had that view. I'd remind them of why lots of black South Africans turn to crime, remind them of how statistics and perceptions are skewered by the media and compare their part of the world to others to show that any group of people turn to crime when faced with such inequality as black South Africans.

The reason I'm asking for more context is because I have heard that marital rape amongst Orthodox Jews is particularly high. I don't know how true that is not having been privy to the research and I don't know if she was referring to something about that.
 
Don't overthink it. Someone came up to you and initiated a conversation you found disturbing. Don't make it about your metamour as much as being about the act of having been confronted and questioned by someone, and how uncomfortable it made you. You don't even have to ask if it is true or not, just report back what happened and your concerns for him. Keep it simple. And I think the longer you wait to just come out and say it, the bigger it will get in your mind and the more difficult you will make it to come out and relay what happened. Crikey, pick up the phone and tell him.
 
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Why would someone want to be friends with people who go around shunning people because of what their partner says? Especially if they don't even talk to the person directly.

This prejudice is just as bad, if not worse than the ignorant date rape comment.

I think it's for him to get new friends.
 
Why would someone want to be friends with people who go around shunning people because of what their partner says? Especially if they don't even talk to the person directly.

This prejudice is just as bad, if not worse than the ignorant date rape comment.

I think it's for him to get new friends.

That's what I'm.thinking.
 
@BigGuy and Inyourendo I think "shunning" is perhaps a strong term for the situation- more like less inclined to want to get to know better. The person who related the story to me had previously expressed interest in being involved in BDSM play with my partner- she would most likely not choose to do so if he had anti Semitic views or condoned them. I think that's a pretty reasonable personal boundary to have. Also, because some of these friends hold private events in their homes, if they don't feel comfortable inviting her, it might play out that he is invited to socialize less as well in order to prevent her participation. It has already happened once where I was the one specifically invited so that I would bring him as my date, rather than him being extended an invitation and possibly having the opportunity to invite her, although at the time I did not realize why.
 
Tough call. I don't like the ignorant anti-Semitic nature of the alleged comment, but I don't know what to do about it either. Nobody likes gossip, and I kind of feel like you'd be encouraging gossip by validating these kink people's inclination to go through you. If they're as concerned about anti-Semitism as they should be, shouldn't they go directly to your metamour (and your partner since they're holding him accountable for being her parter) with this problem? I feel like they're kind of handing you their problem and expecting you to fix it for them. I don't like that either.

I suppose the group email is the best you can do, though I also don't like that. Inyourendo was right; this is the sort of thing that could easily ruin whatever little positive relationship you have with your metamour. And while I agree with nycindie that whatever action you take should be taken soon, I also think you should treat that email like guessing whether to snip the red or the blue wire to de-fuse a bomb. Make sure you emphasize to your partner and metamour that you don't like how the kink people put you in this position, but here you are and you have to make a difficult choice (damned if you do, damned if you don't). Not to say you should write a ten-page flowery email; just to say you should be well aware of the peril and express as much. (And duck after you send it ...)

Wow. Jewish men are date rapists? Really? Bleah. Comments like that almost shouldn't be made even if they can be proven to be true (and I seeeriously doubt this one can). I've never heard of such a thing, and say "I don't know" only because I haven't thoroughly researched the subject (and am personally acquainted with few if any Jewish people). Gosh darn it, why do people have to say such crappy things? :mad:
 
Personally, I don't like the idea of putting any of what was said to the OP in writing and sending it anywhere. This, to me, is something to be said verbally, either face-to-face or on the phone. Basically, most of what Tigergirl wrote in her initial post is sufficient, IMHO.

Tigergirl, you call or visit your bf and say, "Ugh, something just happened the other night that really disturbed me and I don't know quite how to tell you. I was confronted by X and asked questions about you and [Metamour], and then was told some awful things about her, which I found absolutely shocking. X asked me how close I am with [Metamour] and wanted to know if I ever heard her make anti-Semitic comments because apparently she recently did that in a group of people and they are very offended by that. They also want to know if you are aware of it and seemed to imply that, if you are, they will no longer be inviting you to the [Event].

Now Hon, I don't know if any of what they said is true, and maybe she was just misunderstood at the time, but I feel like they put me in an awkward position and I couldn't not tell you about it. I'm not trying to start trouble, especially since I wasn't there when it supposedly happened, but I am concerned that this sort of thing is going around and people are forming an opinion about you because of it. This upsets me and I don't even know what else to say. What should we do?"

That's all. That isn't so hard.
 
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