what if I'm just an asshole?

noob

New member
This is the question echoing in my head all day today.

I think there must be some kind of "coming out to yourself as poly" 5 stage process...and one of the stages is thinking you're just an incredible asshole :(

All through high school and college, I always, always had extra-relationship "affairs." I simply wasn't, apparently, capable of being "faithful" to one person. Curiosity or circumstance always got the better of me, even if I didn't go out "looking." In my marriage, I have stuck to monogamy, but it's easier when you're living with someone; I have a kid and a career and a house and no time.

The happiest I ever was in high school was when I had two boyfriends, but then I felt horrible when they wouldn't accept each other and I had to choose. I didn't want to choose; I wanted them both, but I had no model for that and truly believed that I had to choose.

Now that I've met someone (and am falling hard for him), I am trying to use a poly model to break out of that "you have to choose" monogamy ideology, which has only ever served to make me miserable, and I'm being as honest as I can with my husband and my OSO...

But in some ways, I feel like I'm back in HS. The self-doubting part of me says I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too, I'm being selfish, I'm a bad person, etc., etc.

Do you think that my past is somehow "proof" or evidence that I am poly-oriented? Stupid question, right? I don't know...I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I am happy. Someone more experienced than me, please help :eek:
 
Well, who knows, but I think a real asshole doesn't consider the question of how much of an asshole they are? :eek:
 
HA! You made me laugh, which is a welcome departure from sitting around feeling like an asshole ;)
 
This is how I approach it within myself. I ask myself these questions. Am I in love with these people? Do I desire to develop deeper connections with them? Are we all able to be open and honest about our thoughts and feelings? Do we all respect and trust one another? If my answer is "no" to any of these, then I begin to focus on how to develop things so that this is what I have. It takes the focus off of me not being perfect and gives me a goal....something to work on......like right now I am working on earning the trust of Holland. She is Charle's primary lover and I am his secondary. She didn't choose polyamory, but has just fallen into it. She vacilates between loving me and being mad at me. So, gradually and with patience, I have to earn her trust....by showing her (not just telling her) that "It's okay" and "I'm not a threat to you" "I'm not trying to take Charles away from you" etc. It's a process. Be kind to yourself !!
 
I can't stop it...it just comes out :eek:

You are hilarious (corny, but hilarious!)

So since you dipped a toe into my thread, mono...I want to ask, how did you know that redpepper wasn't just an asshole? I mean, sorry redpepper, that sounds bad. I like you a lot. But you know what I mean. What makes it clear that someone who is pursuing multiple relationships at the same time is "poly" versus just...trying to have her cake and eat it too just because.

Is it the honesty factor? Like if I were just trying to get my thrills, why go through the trouble of being upfront about what I'm doing?

I mean, wouldn't someone say "Everyone would want to be with more than one person if they could? Why do you think you deserve that? Why are you above the rules?" Of course, as a self-declared "hard-wired mono," you would say no, not everyone does want what I want.

Do you think you could ever want it, under any circumstance?
 
Do you think you could ever want it, under any circumstance?

Nope.

When I love someone they get it all. Whatever time I have is theirs, whatever money I have for dinners and dates I have they get it all, whatever passion I have they get, what ever secrets I need to share are theirs. I'm not a NRE junky or possess a need for variety; I can generate new spectrums of sexual excitement with one person; when I find something I like I stick with it. I pride myself in only sharing my body with one person in a world of so many others, when I say I love you I want my partner to be clear that those words belong to her and are not whispered to anyone else in moments of passion..that she is "the one". When I go to bed with my partner I like that she never has to look into my eyes and wonder if I am secretly longing to lie next to another. When I breathe into her ear as we have sex I like that she knows there are no other ears I am breathing into the same way.
My partner is special to me and regardless how long the relationship lasts she will get all of me. I AM a sum-zero partner.
Connection is what I want and drives me. My partner deserves all of my connection whether I am with her or not. When my thoughts turn to who I "love" it is her.

I don't expect my partner to share all the activities I enjoy or fulfill my desire to experience all the things I want. I have other people to do that with, but they only get to share in certain aspects of who I am…she gets to share in all of them.

I do not expect to be loved in the same way however....I'm ok with that :)

Redpepper exudes trust...that is what drew me to her. That is what will always remain.


I should mention...I can be quite an asshole too. Usually because I am so self assured and sometimes have a sense that I "have it all figured out"....Redpepper would agree on that I think ;)
 
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When I love someone they get it all. Whatever time I have is theirs, whatever money I have for dinners and dates I have they get it all, whatever passion I have they get, what ever secrets I need to share are theirs. I'm not a NRE junky or possess a need for variety; I can generate new spectrums of sexual excitement with one person; when I find something I like I stick with it. I pride myself in only sharing my body with one person in a world of so many others, when I say I love you I want my partner to be clear that those words belong to her and are not whispered to anyone else in moments of passion..that she is "the one". When I go to bed with my partner I like that she never has to look into my eyes and wonder if I am secretly longing to lie next to another. When I breathe into her ear as we have sex I like that she knows there are no other ears I am breathing into the same way.
Damn!
That was hot.
I don't know if that was "Damn! RP got him first" or "Damn! He should write romance novels."
Haven't decided.

I don't expect my partner to share all the activities I enjoy or fulfill my desire to experience all the things I want. I have other people to do that with, but they only get to share in certain aspects of who I am…she gets to share in all of them.
Lies, lies, lies... what about riding the bike? :p

OP-

I think that there are many different people who need many different things. Some people are fulfilled in one relationship, some are not. Some people are, but they happen upon love in more then one place, some of those pursue it, some don't.

For me I can see in looking at the EMOTIONS from my past that I've always been polyamorous AND I've always preferred poly-fi, not just poly-free. If you know what I mean.

But someones actions don't necessarily show that they are or are not poly.
I BELIEVE with all of my heart that Maca is poly-capable. But he's never cheated and he's always been in long term mono relationships.
If actions were the key then the only way a person would know that they were poly was if they practiced poly or cheating and all people who acted mono from day one would be mono.....
I don't think that would be a correct assumption or assessment.

As for asshole-it really is a good idea to be clear of the definition of a word if you are going to consider it as a possible identifier for yourself (or anyone else).

I don't think that being in love with two people makes anyone an asshole. I don't even think I'm an asshole-even though I cheated on my husband. I think it was fucked up that I cheated, but I understand that I am not perfect and I have done fucked up things.

I think a persons INTENTIONS are key in deciding if they are an asshole or not. So-in deciding-figure out what your intentions are.

And Mono-I drink 4 freaking cups-measurement cups, of prune juice a day! GAG ME WITH A SPOON. I'm OFF the stupid meds and can't get my system back on track! IT SUCKS. SO if anyone has an EXTRA asshole they want to sell I guess I might be in the market! :eek:
 
Hey..I said I don't expect my partner to share all my experiences. No one rides with me..one seat, one rider....mine, mine, mine

Brother you dont know what your missing;) When LR ( on the back of my bike) wraps her arms around my waist and pulls herself up tight against me... DAM thats nice....:D

If she gets relaxed and lossens her grip all I have to do is hit the throttle and she is holding tight once again:eek:


OP-

Being the one that was on the recieving end of a "polyamory shaft" ;) I can tell you that with out honesty and tons of communication and patience I can see how others may precieve you ( you meaning the one with multi partners) as an ass. But as LR said intentions hold a lot of weight and if your intentions are good and your honest and loving then things may still not work out but no one will be able to call you an ass.



Peace and Love
Maca
 
Brother you dont know what your missing;) When LR ( on the back of my bike) wraps her arms around my waist and pulls herself up tight against me... DAM thats nice....:D

If she gets relaxed and lossens her grip all I have to do is hit the throttle and she is holding tight once again:eek:


Peace and Love
Maca


You might have a point there! But I don't think Redpepper would like LR all wrapped around me like that... She doesn't share me well eek:
I'm joking!! Settle down my friend...I'll buy you a drink when you come down :)
 
You might have a point there! But I don't think Redpepper would like LR all wrapped around me like that... She doesn't share me well eek:
I'm joking!! Settle down my friend...I'll buy you a drink when you come down :)

OMG I am laughing my ass off!!!!!!!!!!!

OUTLOUD.
FUCK that was funny Mon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought SHE was the poly one???:confused:
 
HAHAHAH...


Ill take that drink Brother. You may want to get two cause RP might just beat you a bit harder :p Ill save you and Ill keep LR behind me on my bike:D
 
HAHAHAH...


Ill take that drink Brother. You may want to get two cause RP might just beat you a bit harder :p Ill save you and Ill keep LR behind me on my bike:D

Sounds good!....although I can take a pretty good beating...but no pinching...that shit hurts!
 
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