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Old 04-03-2012, 04:03 AM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.
That's a good point. I've certainly felt compersion, so I know it's real. But I get along great with my wife's metamour, and we all have a policy of being open with each other when we're feeling bad or have unmet needs. We've helped each other through rough times, look out for each other, and consider the three of us as family. My wife has felt compersion for me as well.

But if I felt neglected, ignored, lonely, worried, or didn't know or get along with her metamour, then I'm certain I'd feel bad rather than compersion.

Compersion exists in a non-poly context as well. For example, when a divorced partner is genuinely happy for the ex finding a new love interest (and it's not just because they don't have to pay alimony anymore ), that's compersion. It's just that polys can feel compersion without having to get divorced first.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:32 AM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
Not quite the same thing but close.

And it can be cultivated

These guys have been at it for 2500 years, it' just not been part of our inherited European culture.

Not saying it's the only way or the right way, just a way.
Er, speak for YOUR "inherited European culture."

Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones. Sounds like your mileage has varied...or you're out of touch with your culture...but kindly refrain from laying such globalized generalizations on all of us.

In the roots I arose from, polyfidelity is the norm, and it was only a very specific sort of urban/agricultural religious neurotic that tried to move this miracle of human love into the abstract realm, then remove it from the earth altogether.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:17 PM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
kindly refrain from laying such globalized generalizations on all of us.
Didn't mean to offend.
Guess I had my colonial hat on and was talking about the cultures exported from the old world to the new.

Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones.
Interesting. Sources?

Are you saying compersion IS a very strong part of contemporary Scandinavian cultures?

Last edited by Mudita; 04-10-2012 at 02:06 PM.
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Old 04-11-2012, 01:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones.
So, you are saying that compersion -- feeling happy and joyful when your partner finds happiness and satisfaction with their other partner(s) -- is "strong" in the cultures you mentioned? That would mean they have a polyamorous history, then. I assume you are saying it is part of the heritage and history. Or are you saying it is strong in contemporary culture? Can you explain this and cite examples?
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Old 10-31-2012, 05:24 AM
mesalenalas mesalenalas is offline
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Question Poly without compersion, possible?

Hi all--

(I'm very grateful for an internet that makes such communities as these possible and accessible right now, so thank you in advance for any thoughts you have to share.)

Could someone here offer any wisdom from your experiences-- have you been able to maintain a long-term poly partnership in which one or both of you rarely or never experienced compersion? (Assuming everyone is respectful and nice to one another as a baseline, of course).

My partner and I are discussing whether or not this is a sustainable dynamic in our relationship, since compersion comes easily for one of us, and not the other. I can offer more context of my own situation if desired, but I'm really interested in your experiences and tools for managing a dynamic like this (successfully or unsuccessfully, however you define(d) it), if you'd care to share?
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Old 10-31-2012, 05:40 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hey there.

If I take my men as a reference here, I won't say that any of them is feeling something like compersion (for me translates to "being happy that I am with the other"). They are generally happy that I am happy but that hasn't got anything to do with my other relationship for them. We are stable, they accept and respect the other and we get along well.

I don't think it is neccessary to be happy about the other partner(s) or relationship(s) the partner has. You have to be OK with them and maybe be on friendly terms with your metamours but that's it. Compersion is some kind of bonus from my point of view. Nice to have (obviously) but not mandatory.

We aren't that long in a poly configuration (one year and some months), maybe this will change with time, but compersion was never a topic in our case.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 10-31-2012, 07:35 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I experience compersion for my husband (and did for my ex too) when I like the people he dates or don't hear anything about them that ticked any flags for me. I feel compersion for my boyfriend, when he talks doing things with his wife or girlfriend, and really want them to be happy >>> him happy >>> me happy because the company is more likely to be pleasant. I haven't interacted with either my metamours on that branch for over a year, but that hasn't diminished my feelings of wanting them to have wonderful times together.

In no case have I ever felt anything positive when a partner was dating somebody who I thought wasn't treating them nicely, or causing drama or acting in a way that was negatively affecting my partner. I am guessing if I ever manage to transcend my desire to feel bitchy at people when they make somebody I date sad, I'll be impressed.

My ex husband seemed to have compersion when I dated the guy I am married to now, he was happy for me, totally relaxed when I feel in love with him (and recognized it before I did) greeted me with hugs and breakfast when I came home from dates, and was always happy for me when I was having a good time. It DOES feel good to see a partner happy for you instead of unhappy. On the other hand - my current husband, well he's glad I am happy, but I am pretty sure he isn't feeling anything near the definition of compersion, and that is OK, he's barely acquainted with my boyfriend and isn't ever going to be more from what I gather. I get the feeling for a lot of people its much easier to be happy for your partner when they are dating people who you also like as people.

So although I think it's nicer to feel compersion, I am OK with indifference about metamours from my side or my husband's side, as long as there's not unhappiness.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 10-31-2012, 12:22 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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My bf accepts my relationship with my gf and is chill about it but he definitely couldn't be said to feel compersion. And it's fine, I just don't share details or force him to think about the fact that we have a sexual relationship more than is necessary. Like, he's very aware that she and I are a thing and I'm not going to refrain from mentioning her if it's relevant, but I also don't bring her up just to sigh over how pretty she is in front of him.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 10-31-2012, 07:58 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
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I still don't find myself feeling happy that my lover has someone in her life that she loves, so in that sense, I don't *get* compersion either. But when I step back and look at it differently, it makes sense. I'm happy that she is happy, just like I would be happy if she was enjoying a tv show or an activity that didn't appeal to me - even though I don't have to be happy that she has another lover who makes her happy - I'm just happy that she has *something* in her life that makes her happy. Her happiness is the point, not how she achieves it.

For me, it is central to how I deal with my jealous feelings that I allow myself to not just stop feeling miserable, but to also translate some of what is happening into happiness for her.
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Old 10-31-2012, 08:17 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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In one relationship I didn't. I didn't really care if she saw her other boyfriend or not, but I did want her to make things well with her husband (it didn't happen). In another, I did. Her other boyfriend offered her things she wanted that I didn't give her (Grateful Dead, weed) and I was happy she saw him and felt like she was having her needs met, even though I didn't feel anything for the guy. She came back happy and relaxed and it made our relationship stronger.

So, yes and no. I don't think it's necessary, but it's better.
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