While that is solid advice, and I appreciate its validity, My wife has nobody else to turn to right now to offer her support -- her friends all chose the side of the guy who hurt her, and she's alone in the place she loves most.
As for feasibility, I can't just drop her like that, especially not with the pair of us shelling out about $2000 ($950 security deposit, $950 first-month rent, and $150 application fee) in advance for a new apartment in the city, for which our move-in date is 15 April. Neither one of us will be able to make it on our own at this point. Rather, she won't. I make enough that I could comfortably live on my own anywhere in the Chicago suburbs, but she barely makes any money at all, let alone enough to afford rent anyplace on her own.
We're moving into the city so her commute to school and work disappears, and while mine's getting longer, altogether our transit expenses are being reduced significantly. While we're not living on a shoestring budget, we're not exactly rolling in dough either. Separation at this point is just not an option. I would be screwing her over so badly, and adding so much unnecessary pain on top of the pain she's already in, that any chance of us ever getting back together would be completely destroyed.
If it's possible to take a break within the same household, then maybe that could work, but I don't see what good living together but pretending not to be married would do.
And while I understand what you said about control issues, perhaps I do have them, but in inverse. I fear, more than anything, being controlling in a relationship. Growing up, I watched so many relationships fall apart because of lack of intimacy, lack of respect, lack of communication, and control/abuse. I strive in every waking moment to make sure that my wife makes her own decisions and isn't just looking to me for guidance. I strive to keep her acting of her own free will and not waiting for me to tell her what to do. Especially because of things past. Things in her life, not mine.
So maybe you're all right and I'm making the wrong choice, but I choose to stay and ride this out. Because I love her. Because it's what's right. Because it's what FEELS right. She and I just need some more time. This situation got too big, too fast, and once it's all calmed down again, and we're all in our right minds, everything will be okay.
Thanks.
And the reasons I'm feeling depressed number in the many. Let's list a few:
- My wife's heart has been broken. Three times. In the last two weeks. By the same guy.
- My sex life has been at full stop for two weeks tomorrow.
- My wife has been abandoned by the people we both counted on most to help her get through this.
- I'm being told that I should leave my wife.
- I feel like there's nothing I can do to help build up my wife's self-confidence or anything, especially after having spent the last year doing just that, only to have her crushed by the very friends I encouraged her to make.
- I have no friends I can easily run to in real-life for any kind of support (though I'm working on that).
- I didn't get to spend enough time with my wife before (mismatched schedules), and I get to spend even less with her now, because she's withdrawn to some degree for most of the time that's left.
So pardon me if I'm a little stressed, but my wife is beyond the level of stress any human being can handle under normal circumstances. While I have the capability to just say "fuck it" when I'm this stressed and just chill out for a bit, I can't right now, because I need to focus. And she can't. I've tried teaching her how, but right now, she can't.
I'm not dealing with very many internal issues right now, they can all safely take a break. Everything on my mind right now has to do with how my wife has been wronged, and I have been wronged by proxy, and how right now it feels like there's no hope, and I'm trying to do whatever I can to help my wife feel better. There's no end in sight, because she gets to spend the rest of the quarter in classes with the friends who hurt her. Oh, and she has Lupus. Her emotional pain and stress levels are directly contributing to her physical deterioration. I didn't mention that, because it has no bearing on anything, but at this point, it's not even a question of emotional energy being left for dealing with anything, it's physical energy, too.
Basically, I'm fucked up a tree, trying to help support my wife through her turmoil, having found something similar to peace on which I can stand, and everything else is falling apart. Add to that people telling me I should leave her, right in the middle of the biggest emotional and physical crisis I've ever directly witnessed.
I am still exploring myself, and I am still leaning towards becoming poly myself, and I'm still growing and learning, but right now, those aren't the issues here. The main issue is the fact that my wife's life has fallen apart around her, and I need to help her. If I can't stand by her in her most desperate time of need, I wouldn't even make a good mono, talking big about devotion and exclusivity and shit. Fuck this shit. I'll take a break from these forums and come back when this shit is over.
Yes, I know this is all off-topic, but this thread is already out past the moon in terms of on-topic. Why not take it farther, eh?
I should add:
Thank you all for your support and advice thus far, but after this, I think I'm done for a while. Thank you.