Background- After a long-term marriage ended, and two years of self-work, I started dating 4 years ago. My first long-term relationship started as a triad and morphed to two dyads which lasted just about to the present day, with some breaks. And I dated a bunch of other people in there, too, sewing wild oats; finding out what I needed and wanted in a partner.
Through all this, I learned to get in touch with my needs - and to listen and respond to them. This has been a great forum to point out when I don’t do that, and challenge me on it.
In the breakup and self-reflection, I’m coming to terms with my role in creating bad dynamics in the relationships, mainly by accepting people assuming they are exempt from part or all of the necessary work- because of other relationship status, or mental illness, or gender. Mostly subconscious.
I cringe now when I think of what I accepted- in the light of freedom, it looks pretty bad— “you mean, you want me to accept (limits on my freedom, total responsibility for scheduling, responsibility that truly is yours and you could pick up, or responsibility that really is your partners, and you could ask them them to pick up, etc)? Okay! As long as I get to date you... You’ll reciprocate when you can, right? I know I would....”
And of course —it doesn’t work that way.
So I’m taking a break to balance. To learn to stand up for myself. To enjoy friendships, and see what can be made of the semi-family unit of my ex and our kids. We don’t seem to be able to live together full-time, but we’re functioning as a family unit in just about every other way.
And it’s easier to work out some of the allowing people to be dependent issues with him.
With my ex, Esteban, there’s still a spark— but we need to be two grownups to work, and there are still really heated conversations when I stand up for rights or ask him to take on responsibilities
That aren’r Mine and should be his.
I am half hoping that would work out,either mono, or as a family unit thing where I can get sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, with him, but that was tough in the past due to wildly differing desire levels. I’m a lot less needing of sex recently— it’s probably been a good 4 months and I’m okay— but I still have the opportunity to seek out people — and the willingness from some should I want it. And that opportunity means the world.
Through all this, I learned to get in touch with my needs - and to listen and respond to them. This has been a great forum to point out when I don’t do that, and challenge me on it.
In the breakup and self-reflection, I’m coming to terms with my role in creating bad dynamics in the relationships, mainly by accepting people assuming they are exempt from part or all of the necessary work- because of other relationship status, or mental illness, or gender. Mostly subconscious.
I cringe now when I think of what I accepted- in the light of freedom, it looks pretty bad— “you mean, you want me to accept (limits on my freedom, total responsibility for scheduling, responsibility that truly is yours and you could pick up, or responsibility that really is your partners, and you could ask them them to pick up, etc)? Okay! As long as I get to date you... You’ll reciprocate when you can, right? I know I would....”
And of course —it doesn’t work that way.
So I’m taking a break to balance. To learn to stand up for myself. To enjoy friendships, and see what can be made of the semi-family unit of my ex and our kids. We don’t seem to be able to live together full-time, but we’re functioning as a family unit in just about every other way.
And it’s easier to work out some of the allowing people to be dependent issues with him.
With my ex, Esteban, there’s still a spark— but we need to be two grownups to work, and there are still really heated conversations when I stand up for rights or ask him to take on responsibilities
That aren’r Mine and should be his.
I am half hoping that would work out,either mono, or as a family unit thing where I can get sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, with him, but that was tough in the past due to wildly differing desire levels. I’m a lot less needing of sex recently— it’s probably been a good 4 months and I’m okay— but I still have the opportunity to seek out people — and the willingness from some should I want it. And that opportunity means the world.
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