Poly-related thoughts while singleish

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Background- After a long-term marriage ended, and two years of self-work, I started dating 4 years ago. My first long-term relationship started as a triad and morphed to two dyads which lasted just about to the present day, with some breaks. And I dated a bunch of other people in there, too, sewing wild oats; finding out what I needed and wanted in a partner.

Through all this, I learned to get in touch with my needs - and to listen and respond to them. This has been a great forum to point out when I don’t do that, and challenge me on it.

In the breakup and self-reflection, I’m coming to terms with my role in creating bad dynamics in the relationships, mainly by accepting people assuming they are exempt from part or all of the necessary work- because of other relationship status, or mental illness, or gender. Mostly subconscious.

I cringe now when I think of what I accepted- in the light of freedom, it looks pretty bad— “you mean, you want me to accept (limits on my freedom, total responsibility for scheduling, responsibility that truly is yours and you could pick up, or responsibility that really is your partners, and you could ask them them to pick up, etc)? Okay! As long as I get to date you... You’ll reciprocate when you can, right? I know I would....”

And of course —it doesn’t work that way.

So I’m taking a break to balance. To learn to stand up for myself. To enjoy friendships, and see what can be made of the semi-family unit of my ex and our kids. We don’t seem to be able to live together full-time, but we’re functioning as a family unit in just about every other way.

And it’s easier to work out some of the allowing people to be dependent issues with him.

With my ex, Esteban, there’s still a spark— but we need to be two grownups to work, and there are still really heated conversations when I stand up for rights or ask him to take on responsibilities
That aren’r Mine and should be his.

I am half hoping that would work out,either mono, or as a family unit thing where I can get sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, with him, but that was tough in the past due to wildly differing desire levels. I’m a lot less needing of sex recently— it’s probably been a good 4 months and I’m okay— but I still have the opportunity to seek out people — and the willingness from some should I want it. And that opportunity means the world.
 
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I’m actually really valuing my current singlehood. Taking a step away from the dynamics that have dominated my last few years, including ones that affected me but I could not influence because they weren’t my relationships, has really highlighted my relationship with myself. I keep doing dependency and codependency tests, which tell me I’m in good shape, but I’m not so convinced- lol!

Owning the mantras of recovered codependents is just making me happier. So it’s good for me to learn to be even better not myself whether or not I hold good boundaries with others. I suspect I really do, for the most part, because I see the necessity- I’m just not solid enough in myself for it to be easy or confident. I tell the students I teach “that feeling of confidence is how you know something is learned and you can repeat the pattern correctly”. I think that’s my next goal- not only to be able to do what I need to with people in group dynamics (such as poly dating) but to do so with confidence. Which, as I tell my students, really just takesconsistant and conscious repeating the right patterns.

I’m still kind of shaken by what I allowed. I suspect because I thought the situations were changeable- which might be more of a mono holdover. If you’re your psrtner’s only romantic influence, for better or worse, you have power. It’s easy to grow together, and when you hit a stuck point, that pressure often forces a change and growth by both of you. In poly, that pressure is escapable. You can turn from one relationship to another. That is neither good nor bad- but I think it went unrecognized. Maybe that’s why as a group we tend to talk things out so much- we’ve subverted social pressure situations by broadening our bases, and so for something to exert influence,’somtetines it needs to be vocalized.

And that’s also assuming that lifelong changing influence with a partner is even desirable. Which leads me back to solohood. Lifelong changing influence on yourself IS desirable.

So my goal for now- to learn how comfortable anfnloving and encouraging and serene and relaxed place I can be- and make- for myself. All the things I love about relationships- on easy access because they are from myself.
 
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Unexpected fallout to breaking up- also ending up putting relationships with my less-time intensive partners on hold.

I’ve found out I need a solid, predictably frequent, close relationship to feel sexual around people.

And no one else in my circle is a good fit for that with me. I could do low commitment sex if with someone poly filling up that need elsewhere. But not just to fulfil a desire or need- apparently that need goes away.

I’m okay with this. It makes much of my life make sense.

Being poly was valid.

But at this point, being poly or solo or mono would be equally as valid as a chosen lifestyle.

And of all of them, still liking the challenges and rewards of singleness the best :)
 
I ended up working through the pivotal moments when my original triad turned unhealthy- the laying down the law as to me not being able to unbarrier with anyone,’in and out of the triad, unless enough people were added to the triad to make a closed group that met everyone’s needs (though they used no barriers- because they enjoyed it more without) and then being told that we were only going to have group set— when the two of them were having sex with other individuals quite happily.

Really, laying down the law that I would accept their rules- and that those rules could be very inequitable.

It was poor clumsy poly— and also, the establishing that one person’s feelings counted more than the others’ autonomy. It was the moment when I became permanently “less than”, despite efforts to make us equal. It was the moment when equality disappeared and inequality rose up in t’s place.

Here’s the thing— I accepted it because there was already love, and it was better Love than I had ever received in the past.

It was poor clumsy life navigation on my part. Ar the time, I considered myself inferior, and was ripe to adopting someone elae’a Point of view.. Years of blatant abuse will do that to you.

Healing came last night when I went over how I would act now. And I would have listened to myself and the fact something felt odd- and talked about it and questioned it.

That might have been, instead, the moment that someone bowed out to ta re-examine their feelings and what they could dd,’to let the other two continue.

It might have been the moment when it was established that all feelings were going to have to matter to have a relationship, and rules had to be bought into by all and equitable.

It might have been the moment someone headed back to counseling to work through why they could not handle it.

Or the moment that both withdrew from dating me.

I might have gone on to go back on the Internet, and date whoever next came up.

Something’s healing in knowing the same thing wouldn’t happen twice.

It took working through the same dilemma at a slower pace to master those skillsnof listening to myself, of calling a halt, of making going on optional until balance was established.

So I don’t regret the time- it had a lot of positives while I was learning Along t
But oh am I glad that pattern of me accepting being made lesser is over.

——

There was only so much change that is possible. Some of that is pervasive patterning in the original group. I’ve somehow got the elasticity in the brain to work my way out, and I think there is more struggle in both the other brains to change,
though both have. I think we all changed along the way. But that might also be an advantage of being single/solo versus “settled@ in a nesting situation- no one is day in and out, reinforcing patterns of behavior that may be harmful.

I’m not sure that the other two changed so dramatically. But in the last 4 years, apart from the two they were dating at the beginning, they have dated me, and one had dated one or two other people. Counting them, I’ve had about 13 serious relationships plus some casual dating/interacting with metas. And each one of those, I’fe Used to grow beyond that point where I could be the casualy accepting victim.

I read abuse defined the other day as the imposition of your way of thinking on someone in order to make them easier to control.

I wasn’t beyond accepting that then. I was seeing all points as valid, and new to poly so relying on the “experienced” ones.

But I am beyond accepting that now.

I realize people’s thoughts and opinions are terrible for me to adopt.

I have trust in my own voice.

I (hopefully) won’t impose on others, but I will also not let myself be imposed upon.

And when someone tries to— I think I can detect it pretty fast, and insteadnof trying to “broaden my mind” to accept, it’s an automatic red flag.

I have some pretty strong emotional independence skills going now that I did not then.

Still working on some strong practical independence skills- self care and house maintenance.

I suspect that once I do, I may feel ready for dating if something comes my way.
 
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