Renaissance of Realizations

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I am no stranger to these boards, although in some ways I feel brand new as I stepped away for some time for a period of reflection. I have learned so much from everyone's stories over the past couple of years and have so much respect for people's experiences and hard won wisdom.

I have been ethically non-monogamous since I was in my teens. I have never identified with monogamy as a fundamental philosophy although I have participated in it for periods of time when a partner desired it. I have been a part of Vs, Ns, triads, dyads and quads. I have created some epic disasters through my blunders, learned an incredible amount about myself and others, and been part of some beautiful successes; 'tis the nature of all relationships and love stories, I suppose.

I largely exist in a cerebral world, and find my emotional life confusing and overwhelming on the whole. I come from a family of intelligent, creative, unique and hardworking people; my legacy is to put forward an image of success and happiness no matter what one's internal world may contain or the private shit storm that might be happening in our lives. There was never much time for emotional matters in my household, and I fell in line with an unhealthy way of handling negative emotions. I have witnessed my family deal with their weaker sides with a great deal of secrecy and shame, and there is a certain lack of acceptance, and fear of exposure of our shadow selves.

The last year of my life has been a reformation of this truth; an opening of a deeper sense of self realization and a rebirth of self as a woman who is more in tune with her feelings and truth than ever before. It has been an awakening that I never could have anticipated being so uncomfortable or difficult. It has also been an absolute and utter relief to put down the burdens of constantly striving for perfection, and to find an internal forgiveness and gentleness in seeing myself as a more unified, beautifully imperfect human being.

Pseudonym time.... Along for this journey is my honest, honorable and gentle male partner Daith, (Irish for beloved) and my loving female partner, Viveka (Sanskrit for discernment/wisdom). Both have been incredibly supportive and accepting of me during my chrysalis, and stand resolutely beside me as I step into this integrated sense of self. To say that I love them is an almost perverse understatement. Our relationships are based in total honesty, integrity, openness and respect. Consensual, conscious non-monogamy with a gooey center of real admiration and devotion. I am pretty damn blessed. Viveka has two other partners. Daith is monogamous. I date other women occasionally as both of my partners live some distance away, but it is rather casual at present.

I am nothing if not into fearless self inventory and evolution; I am devoted to finding wholeness after some recent and present tumultuous and challenging times in my life. I currently work weekly with a feelings and narrative based counselor as well as another that will be working with me bi-monthly from a cognitive behavioral perspective. I also work with a life coach that helps me reach personal goals and integrate the truths that surface inside of me into a more whole vision of self. I journal, read and meditate, and am an avid hiker, trail and road runner. I am a successful, confident and capable woman in all things external and believe in making a difference in the world around me. I am very grateful for the life that I have built for myself and do not take my life or my loves for granted.
 
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Uphill.

Traversing mountains is such a perfect metaphor for life. The anticipation, the push and strain of moving through space and time to reach incredible peaks, the descent to a sense of satiation and wholeness. The challenge and burn of things at times, and the unbelievable perspective when you get to the top. Cereb and I drive to my place and sink our teeth into dinner, and talk over a movie.

I am excited to get my gardens going for the year; Daith built me these exquisite wooden pyramid planters in his friend's wood shop and my handyman will be bringing in a truckload of soil to fill them with. I cannot wait to invest in, harvest and share the bounty with those I love. Got all my shit done today, so the whole weekend stretches out with friends, hikes, walks, fires, cooking meals together, dates, and a birthday celebration on Sunday night for an ex-lover.

Had a solid life coaching session this morning. We talked about the relief that comes from seeing yourself as a whole, the beauty in acceptance of your biggest fears and worked on some recent challenges for me that are way outside of my realm of influence/control. Working with a life coach is so different than counselling; it's about the integration of everything that you've learned and is very goal and result orientated. I tell her that it's like she takes the swarm of bees and puts them all back in the hive in the order they're mean to be in. She's been in my life as a teacher and guider for over two years, and I'm super grateful for her wisdom and guidance. We talk about our mutual struggles with the concept of control, and the beauty that exists in relinquishing it.

Viveka and I texted a lot today about bravery in the face of shaming and judgement. God I am lucky to have this woman in my life - she is the epitome of support and solidarity. We've grown so close over the last little while; saw her through a challenging time with her primary recently and it was nice to be able to return her kindness and compassion for her during that time. I fully support and invest in their partnership, and was fully present for her process. It was kind of awesome. I like the rhythm of her and I and love watching the friendship and respect between her and Daith as well.

My weekend has been a date sandwich already - one yesterday night, one tomorrow night, both with the same woman. Our worlds have been brushing up against each other for almost seven years and we have connected/collided into each other with quite a force. Not sure where it will head but we will be solid friends regardless. I am up front and open about my life and lifestyle, and of my attraction to her and was pleasantly surprised to find out that she has had experience in the same realms as me, and has also had me in her sights. Date on Monday with a woman I have been seeing for about three months; still relatively casual but the whole thing has this kind of sweet connection and innocence to it that I really enjoy.
 
Context and perspective.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of context and perspective as of late. The idea that looking at anything through a certain perspective isolates you from a certain level of understanding. I think about some of the ways that I have looked at partners, work, or self only to have life spin me 180 so that I could see the exact same issue from the opposite perspective.

I remember so clearly, dating this one married man. He told me that his wife had given his full permission for him to have a lover. I was younger and didn't think to verify this with her; I trusted him and since I had done such careful work to open the relationship I was in at the time, assumed that he had done the same. We were having a beautiful love affair and our connection was golden. I had an online journal that I wrote in daily; it was pretty innocuous, and friends from all over the world kept in touch with my life through it. I woke up one morning to angry comments from a woman on a number of posts, and realized that they were from his wife. When I called him, it turned out that she had gone through his internet history and found emails between us, as well as my blog and was facing the full weight of his betrayal. I was mortified at having been deceived, and called my sister to get her advice. She told me to break up with him; that a man who was capable of displaying a lack of integrity like that to his wife would carry it forward in his life. We had been due to move in to a room in her shared house to carry on with our trysts, and that door was quickly shut, and she shared what was happening with everyone in her household. I talked at length with some trusted friends, and their advice was the same. That this style of betrayal would play itself out again in my own life if I stayed with him.

I remember thinking that there was no way that they could be right. He was out of love with his wife. She was controlling, angry, didn't give him what he needed sexually and was prone to drinking too much. He told me that it had been over for awhile and that I was simply a catalyst for change in his life. I stepped back from the relationship to give them time to sort things out and sent her a number of emails explaining to her that I had no idea that I was party to her deception, and sending her my respect and good intentions. She never wrote me back.

I met a girlfriend in the city for dinner, and after some text correspondence between him and I, he met us in the dimly lit restaurant. I was caught between feeling angry that I had been complicit in hurting someone else, and happy to see him. He walked with me outside, and insinuated himself on my physically, kissing me and telling me how much he missed me. It was so confusing. I went back to the friend's place that I was staying at, and wrote a long letter that I never gave to him that I recently refound while going through forgotten about drawers. About the feelings that came up inside of me when he asked me to compromise my own integrity for his own sexual and emotional pursuits. About how it felt to have been made the other woman, and for even now, him not to be respecting either woman by contacting me and applying pressure for physicality. I was free and clear to do what I saw fit in relationship, and was already in love with him. It was a terrible place to me.

We did end up making a partnership. Years later, the same thing did happen to me. Putting other women before our relationship even with us trying to be open in an honest way, pigeon-holing me tighter and tighter into a place of being unwanted, unloved, and increasingly insecure and controlling. It didn't take long for me, when standing in that woman's shoes from the exact opposite perspective to see my own past selfishness and ignorance for pursuing a relationship with a man so capable of deception and betrayal. Life had slowly but surely turned me around so that I could look at myself from the perspective that I had ignored in my compassion so many years prior. Working in counselling I wrote a long letter to her, and while I never sent it, it serves as a reminder to me.

I also watched the women that he chose to play out this same pattern with. Watched how they tried to have integrity and honor our marriage, but ultimately did what felt good and right for them. They compromised their own integrity at times, listened to his silky smooth words, and bought into the idea that I was a monster. They saw my suffering and insecurity as control and evilness. They played into the dynamics that brought out the same qualities in him as before, and the same qualities in me that his ex-wife had experienced. I knew what it was like to be them. Knew what it was like to be the object of his undiluted desire and to be gently and easily bent to compromise what was the truly correct thing to do. I swung between the anger that his ex-wife had experienced for me once upon a time to pleading with them to see my side, to apologizing to them for being so insecure. It was wretched. I watched myself behave in ways and chose misguided and inappropriate methods of trying to protect myself and our marriage that I experience a great deal of shame about, and work hard to be gentle and have compassion for my flailing self. To have a man look me in the eyes and swear on the life of his mother that he is telling you the truth, only to discover that he is not? They cannot know what that is like or have the perspective to know how that feels. I do, and that helps me soften against myself and his ex-wife, understanding the things that can be brought out of betrayal and pain.

The only perspective I have not experienced firsthand is his and I try to work through the judgement that I feel towards him to find compassion. I struggle to see things as he must have, at any time, and the grains of my lack of understanding slip through my fingers. I ask my friends, my family, and they have wisdom to share with me, love and support. I watch him grind his teeth and rail against me for my shortcomings, and refuse to do the same. I will continue to love him and hold him in my heart with sweetness no matter how much it hurts at times. It's the only way I will ever be able to understand his choices - to see them with my heart instead of my mind.

I think that is one of the most beautiful gifts that solidly developed friends and family give you. They can offer you that perspective that you cannot see in your own experience, and allow you to vision through what it would be like to see things from 180 degrees without having to actually live out that truth. Some of my teachers would argue that this is the path of life; to allow you to experience that which you need to grow your soul, and put you in the shoes of those that you have wronged, or who have wronged you so that you can heal the wounds inside of you and move forward with a more wholesome experience of self and life. I am beginning to see this, but also have gotten much more perceptive of warning signs that I would have simply ignored in my past.

When trusting someone, I look and see - are they truly trustworthy? Have the decisions that they made in their life built on been like mine? Are we people who have the same core values and come from the same place in our hearts and souls? I think about my partners at present - both are in counselling and are fearlessly facing their own demons regularly, as am I. Both are willing to invest in the talks needed to keep both of our sides of the street clear of our unhealthy patterns and come from a place of honesty and moral forthrightness. Both are self made and have their own careers that they have developed with diligence and discipline. Daith and I are on the same page financially, and sometimes we laugh that we should really record more of our conversations for a book that we are going to write together; we speak from our core values and the places inside of us that we allow to define the vast majority of our lives - honesty, integrity and respect, love and honour. Qualities that are increasingly rare in today's fast paced, multi-option world.

My ex bullies me. He shames me, harasses me and continues to violate agreements that we have made. I struggle with judgement and skewed perspective and context in his story, and feel what it must like to be shamed. I can see how I have done that to him in the telling of mine in the past, and my heart fills with compassion for both him and myself. Forgiveness springs from compassion in my process, and I can feel that blossom starting to open in the warmth of acceptance and hard work. Fearless. It's the only way to truly live a life - to be wide open to the perspectives that it offers you and see yourself from different angles until a whole self starts to emerge.

And so in context, and with perspective, I step forward into a new life. I never would have chosen some of the things that have unfolded in my life over the past couple of years, but I have experienced both successes and failures. I have kept my chin up and moved forward with my own wounded heart, and refused to allow judgments of others define my own experience. I continue to look for opportunities to put myself in other people's shoes and sit in meditation, looking at myself through other people's perspectives to see what truths and lessons lie for me in those contexts. Forgiveness is such an incredible gift to give oneself and others. It's a letting go of how we wanted things to be, and accepting life as it is and releasing oneself from previous versions of self.

Stayed up so late last night with Cereb talking and slept clean through the early morning. Days off are so fucking glorious for that. Listening to the ever wonderful S. Carey and dreaming of steaming cups of hot coffee and a good book in bed.
 
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Beauty and Loyalty.

The sun streamed everywhere today; through the leaves in the trees, dappling every surface, catching itself in my hair and on my skin. Quiet at home, reading and drinking hot and sweet things, visiting with friends online, via text and in person. Hanging out on the patio talking about serendipity and fate, skateboards propped up in the hallway and friends joking in the kitchen.

Mid day I got a phone call from Viveka. She was horrified and incredulous as she informed me that my ex had taken it upon himself to harass her via facebook; yet more boundary transgressions. She told him in no uncertain terms how inappropriate and unwelcome his contact was. That was that. She doesn't dick around, this girl. It made me crave sexy times with her like nobody's business and sent me spinning in ERE for her. Cannot wait to cradle that fine jaw of hers along my palm and feel the quickening of her breath in my mouth.

Cereb picked me up after we couldn't stop talking on the phone, regaling me with stories and opinions over copious amounts of sushi. We could talk for eight years straight, I swear. God he makes me laugh my ass off. We sped down the roads like bats out of hell listening to the YeahYeahYeahs and waxing poetic about our lives. That man is good shit lollipop, and I cannot imagine him not being in my life.

Home to tidy up, my date arrived, her hair a hot mess of sexy curls and her tiny frame curled around me in a lingering hug. We spent six and a half hours talking, curled up within inches of each other, sipping wine I chose for her days ago and carving into a local cheese and specially chosen crackers for her dietary restrictions. Succulent strawberries and rich chocolate, spicy nuts and glasses of cool water. Feels good to care for those that I revere. My little dog curled up by her for pets as the night became black and the conversation took some interesting turns. I am curious. She is curious. We'll see what unfolds. Looks like we are going to some upcoming dance parties together, and I will certainly be hiking with her next week if circumstances allow.

Excited for Daith to come out for the week - we are slowly lengthening the amount of time that we spend together as my comfort and trust grows. We have a shit ton of stuff planned and I cannot wait to curl into his sizable frame and catch up in person - phone and Skype are nice but nothing beats real life. He sent me a massive bouquet of flowers that have permeated my entire livingroom with their scent. Roses and lilies, accompanied by one of his signature letters that he sends ahead to the florist. So romantic. He knows how to effortlessly invade my space and remind me of him constantly, and informs me of his plans for me upon his return.

Heading out for an adventure early morning tomorrow to celebrate a birthday and have a little getaway for the day. Lazy and fun Sundays, weekends of perfection. Have been coming to so many realizations and am looking forward to writing about them.
 
Ugh.

Life is so full of emotion and wonder. I love the depth and breadth of experience that one can have in a day, the multitude of connections with people, and the sense of purpose from a solid day's work. Satisfying.

Home to walk my dog in the sunshine and called Daith to catch up, hear about his weekend and connect. I was both shocked and dismayed to learn that my ex had not only contacted Viveka this weekend, but Daith as well. Same as with Viveka, he gave him a link to an online journal that he keeps and invited him to read it. It is hard for me to stay present and not get drawn into feelings of being violated, attacked and angry. Daith and I have outstanding communication, and I have never kept my failures or mistakes in my past relationships secret from him. There is nothing for him to discover there that he doesn't already know, and he has a very different take on things than my ex does, or than I even do for that matter. Regardless, he has no interest in reading it. He is understandably feeling very protective of me and is unimpressed with this behavior. It was challenging to talk about, and I found my PTSD symptoms coming up in great proliferation. He is on his way out to me tonight so that we can get a jump on our time together and spend some more time talking and reconnecting; a week is a long time to be away from each other.

I share the same qualities of loyalty and devotion as my partners and am glad of it. I don't commit lightly, and these two people live inside of my heart. Who they have been in past relationships has nothing to do with me; our relationship is our own, and it is what we make of it. Every person has the right to make mistakes, to learn from those mistakes, and to move forward. I love them as they are, in this moment, here and now. It is the same for them. Each day that passes with that shared experience only builds that love deeper and wider - 'tis the way of things. I am so looking forward to a time of peace, with no more harassment.
 
Love.

Thanks Wiseyes. Focusing on my own behavior, being responsible for my choices and being compassionate to self and others feel like the right way forward for me. To respond to the brutality in others only perpetuates this inside of oneself; forgiveness and acceptance are at the core of all of us, if we give them space to breathe.

Daith is so massive in comparison with my tiny frame. I forget sometimes, until I'm in his arms, just how formidable he is. He pulls me to his broad, tattooed chest, his bristling beard tickling my chin as he kisses me hello, and within minutes we are wound around each other, making up for lost time and space together. He recently got a sizable piece of ink done for me accompanied by my name right where I rest my head; it is a personalized pillow of sorts when we are snuggling. We talk about our relationship and reconnect after a week apart. I can feel him grow tense, and hear his voice grow in intensity as he talks about how much he wants to protect me from further transgressions and violations of my privacy and feelings of safety in regards to my ex. I share with him that I have less of a need around these things not happening or being protected from them. I am more interested in the work that I am doing so that no matter what happens, I do not move away from my highest self. It is the ultimate test of self, and of my character, and I am proud of myself for rising above the places inside of me that do not serve me. His respect for me is carved in the granite of this last year together; he has witnessed my struggles and stood resolute beside me, picking me up and carrying me when I needed it, standing behind me, following me to new places inside of his heart, and gently pulling me into places of safety and relaxation when I have been in my darkest days. The days spent in spas, in cabins, running in the woods, and curled up with him in front of fires. The crinkles around his eyes when he smiles that easy, gentle smile that is just for me, and me alone. The absolute compassion and empathy inside of him.

I am so grateful for the clean lines of where he ends, and where I begin; the communication workshops that him and I invested thirty hours in have allowed us to shed some unhealthy and upsetting patterns that both him and I adopted in previous relationships and find ways through dark thickets into each other's truths. Understanding him is a constant revelation of his character, and I identify so much with his heart and the parts of him that make up the whole. We are both gentle hearts, and both desire healthy boundaries, respect and wholeness in our connection. We use the tools that we have learned, sometimes having to work hard at it, sometimes slipping into the structure easily and lightly. We are each other’s reminders of what we do, and do not want when we are navigating new courses together. It makes me feel honored and revered. This kind of communication is what I need in my life and it results in a feeling of deep trust; I would follow this man anywhere, and have as much faith in his judgment as much as I do in my own. Experiencing this feeling of safety is a beautiful gift. Without trust I experience insecurity, and that insecurity brings up my biggest struggles in relationship and self; my darkest corners, and my worst decisions happen when I feel unsafe and forced into non-consensual places.

He knows to be a bit cautious when talking about about the future he would like with me. I still have healing to do before I will be ready for this, but it's a beautiful intent nonetheless. Bit by bit the feelings of disloyalty to my old life fade away, and I am increasingly able to talk about a potential life together without it feeling like an overwhelming betrayal. I am no longer saving myself for what WAS, and am able to face forward and see what IS. He wants to move out my way and purchase a place for us to start anew in; most likely in a different city to enable us both to accommodate our careers, hobbies, family and friends. We talk about the legally binding financial agreement that will suit us best; I am adamant that neither of us tempt fate as we have both learned some valuable lessons in that regard. Feeling secure and clear is a good thing, and each party knowing exactly how things would look if parties were to separate gets rid of the possibility of misinterpretation or feelings of entitlement that both of us have experienced in our previous partners. It helps greatly that we are starting out on an equal footing; that has not been our experience in the past, and we have paid dearly for it both financially and emotionally.

I am looking forward to Viveka and I’s plans to see an upcoming concert. We had initially thought that we would do a hotel sleepover on the same night, but it looks like we might go to a double-date dance party with our primaries instead. We've hung out as a group a few times now, and it's been a lot of fun. Our men connect easily and get along well, and are both super supportive of our relationship. Metamours! There is some talk of us all going to a crazy kink party that is happening over the course of a weekend at the end of the summer; Daith already got us tickets, and I’d love to be there as a group.

Been doing a ton of hiking lately; ran the same mountain multiple times last week and am steadily shaving off time and gaining some mad muscle. Want to head up tonight as well, and will likely take my usual pack of dogs with me. They love it; launching themselves up the trails ahead of me and wearing themselves completely out by the time we get back to the car. Their owners are pretty grateful, and my dog loves the playtime and company.

Cereb and I talk on the phone about love and distance. Time and distance doesn't seem to affect my heart much, nor does changing the structure of a relationship. There is love inside of me for someone, and that never fades; if there is hurt around a breakup, that fades over time, but the love itself remains fully intact. I can remember what it was like to fall in love with someone, the connection we had, and it stays inside of me. It's like a strange sort of respect and reverence that cannot be shifted or altered. I think it's one of the reasons that I have always identified as 'poly'. My love extends easily and freely into friendships. Love is the biggest joy in my life, and I focus it into all that I do - work, friendship, my home, relationships, pets, community - I work to cultivate the parts of me that shine light, and bring the pieces of me that are damaged, broken or hurt into other's light and my own vision to bring lasting love, and a shift of dynamic of them. Love is my ultimate truth and anything outside of that seems to be a challenge to reconnect with that love and softness inside of me - a test to return to the present and connect to my heart and self.

I have known huge love in my life. I have know passion, connection and true, unadultered commitment in my heart. I am so grateful for the incredible beauty in these gifts, and carry the lessons of the depths of self and soul that come from truly relinquishing your heart and becoming one with another human being.
 
So, you're back. New name, new blog. New life, I guess.
 
Evenings.

Mags: Long story. As always, reading your blog and sending you respect.

Nothing like getting a foot rub from your man while I read out loud to us in bed, then destroying each for the rest of the evening. Life is pretty damn sweet. Came home last night to all manner of projects in full swing; lawn mowed, weed whacking done, hot tub serviced, new hooks for tools up in the garage, new deck covering in the back, kitchen tidied. I am damn spoiled. Acts of service are my #1 love language, and it was pretty nice to come home to. We went out for a delicious dinner and made eyes at each other across the table - for once he sat across from me instead of beside me, and it was nice to see his face during a meal, LOL. Romantical.

The men in my life these days sure do bring me a lot of happiness. Not in a romantic sense; I'm not into that. I tried that, and it's just not for me. I prefer one man in my life to love in a romantic sense and fuck. I mean deep friendships that sustain me and offer me the male perspective on life. I'm too committed inside of my heart to my man for that - I wasn't like that when I was younger, but as I grow older my propensity for that kind of thing has slipped away. Women, yes. Men, no.

Cereb and I have been growing closer, and I was chuffed the other day when he was telling a story to me in which he referred to me as his best friend. He's an intensely private person and an actual genius. I wrangled his IQ out of him after months of harassing him 'it doesn't matter, it doesn't count for anything' he says, but it's still well over the 200 mark, which practically makes him a mythical creature in the world. We run mountains, cook and eat together (correction, I cook, he eats), go for sushi, see movies, and he's pressuring me into getting a bike so that we can wheel around in the sunshine together. We like to smoke jays and lounge in the hot tub or just sit and drink copious amounts of tea and talk and talk and talk. He has a collection of awesome silk robes - one is gold with a massive dragon that I cannot wait for him to wear over. He kills me in his uniqueness and unfettered connection to self. He is relatively emotionless, and completely non-judgmental which is utterly lovely. We have long, winding conversations that often last until 2 in the morning if we're not careful. Before I knew this, I stayed up until five a couple of times talking to him and slept until noon for the first time since I was a hormonal teenager. He's intensely in love with an ex of his, and his heart is spoken for forever inside of her - I understand this, and we talk frequently of what this feels like - to have the person that you thought you were meant to be with, not with you. I am hopeful for him with his love.... I think he may very well be my first ACTUAL legitimate guy friend, and not just a dick-in-disguise. I can be intensely naive when it comes to these things. More often than not I have no idea if a man is interested in me. I talked to him about my desire for our relationship to stay platonic and he actually scoffed that I thought it could be any different. I almost peed my pants, because in essence, it's the reaction that I expect from most men, and almost never get. I think Daith was a bit suspicious of it all in the beginning, but as their friendship grows, and we hang out in a group for a movie or a hike, I can see him actually realizing that there is zero of anything there.

Petto and I are also big into tea and talks. He has been through a gut-wrenching divorce and we talk through that process - he's some time out, so his perspective is helpful for me. He still wears his wedding ring, and we talk about the battle inside of our hearts around still feeling married no matter what the courts say. That's a tough one for me, as my heart belonged so intensely to my ex - I committed my life to him, and breaking that promise is a bit like carving it right out of my chest. We bond over that shit. We're both introspective and somewhat solitary at our cores, and share space in a way that only two introverts really can. He's solid and easy going and is big into alternative ways of thinking about the world. We watch documentaries and go dog walking together. He is just one of those steady, solid, reliable dudes who feels best when he is doing something. His place is so incredibly masculine, tidy and orderly. I love it when people do shit like line up all of their tools and things in perfect order - OCD is in my blood, and I am an incredibly tidy person. When I'm in a house like Cereb's I just want to fucking scrub everything - reminds me of that Friends episode where Monica shows up at some guy's house trying to get in there and clean his place because she heard it was messy, LOL. I have no idea what he thinks about me as a woman, but it doesn't matter, as I'm indefinitely off the market. I convince myself it is the same as Cereb's, but am not close enough to him that I would have that same conversation as of yet. Him and Daith hang out sometimes when he's out visiting me, and they get along well - it's all very manly between them, and they bond over things I can't even understand. Different language. He is increasingly important to me, and I have a feeling that he's going to be in my life for quite some time.

Alma is a philosophical sort. We talk a lot about our souls, the growth that we need, and the interconnectedness of all things. He is my late night walking friend. We drink Jager and talk until the late hours, and I feel the tortured artist in him. He needs a muse, and it pours out of him into his craft; he is a gifted, creative, pensive soul with a twinkle in his eyes. He's significantly older than me. We practice yoga together, he teaches me Qigong and we're big into watching thoughtful movies together. He's a chef by trade and cooks me some pretty amazing meals, me perched on the counter while we share thoughts and drinks. He comes from a troubled past, and has been sorting his life out over the past while; we bond over that, and keep each other grounded in honesty about our internal process. He recently had his heart fed to him by his girlfriend and it's been sad to watch him moping about that when we hang out... just wish I could make it better, and I suppose in my own way I am - it's his birthday on Saturday and I'm going to do a few things to let him know how much I care about him.

Arzillo is young, peppy and full of vim. Always tanned from being outside, up on a mountain, he is positive, bright and full of life. I like his serendipitous approach to life, and how many stories he has for such a young man. He has experienced the transformative power of selfless service and loving those that you wouldn't have if you didn't open yourself up to live in its fullness. Listening to your gut, and allowing those people to be pulled into your sphere when moved to do so. He's thoughtful and gentle mannered, and getting to know him is pretty delightful thus far. I think we will be good friends. He's a DJ and we're talking about putting on a mobile show in a huge truck for shits and giggles.

My date on Thursday/Saturday certainly was interesting. She's a photographer amongst other art mediums, and we're going to do a shoot for a present for Daith's birthday sometime in the next week or so. It will be interesting to have her bind my wrists, etc. for different shots that we have planned, and I am curious to see what unfolds with her experience of being a voyeur of me, for Daith. Kind of hot right at its centre. Daith and I are going for a photo shoot with the two of us, but it will be much more PG, more to celebrate our anniversary than anything else, and give us an excuse to canoodle with each other.... like we need one of those ;)

More appointments to tidy up my past and finally be able to get to a place where the last of the cords can be cut and I can step forward unfettered. My mistakes are in the past, and I'm glad that I have the opportunity to look back at them with more objectivity and learn from them. Self-reflection with love and gentleness in my heart is the shit. No shaming, no judgment. Growth, forgiveness and grace. Always.
 
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Lucky Girl.

Woke up to sun streaming through my blinds this morning, cracked them wide and watched the entire room turn gold. Daith redid my bedroom for me some months ago, and picked a lovely pale cream color for my walls. They look beautiful normally, but on fire in those rays it was like my whole room was the sun. I snuggled into him and we chatted about the rest of our weeks. It's odd how I don't feel sad when he leaves - just excited for the next time that I see him. Felt very domestic, having breakfast together and tidying up the kitchen. He's off for a big work day, and has several seriously demanding days in his future, so I will likely go visit him in his neck of the woods.

I love his place. A loft with soaring ceilings, and everything is just so. He customized the entire place when he moved in; he even designed the new sofa bed in his place and they built it just for him. He has such a particular aesthetic, and such a keen eye for what looks good together. His style is very clean and modern, I'm more of a cozy type in my home, but I think there is solid middle ground.

He badly wants to build a place with me. That level of commitment is beyond me at present, but it doesn't keep us from perusing house porn and commercial real estate together. We have some ideas for development that really appeal to both of us, and like the idea of running a couple of businesses together. It's interesting to be part of such an ambitious and capable partnership; my ideas just happen, his ideas just happen. All of the tension that I used to feel when working on projects just fade away. It's easy to brainstorm together, and I've been enjoying working side by side with him. He's got a great style of teamwork and leadership that I really respond to. We built this great clothesline in my backyard last summer, and I cannot wait to hang laundry on it and have that sunshine smell in all of my linens and outfits. Delicious.

Viveka texted me this morning; she was up inexplicably early today and has a strange headstart on her day that she's not used to. I have to giggle, as I'm such an early riser during the week, and I think that the only time she really gets up early normally is when she stays over at my place. Got all the love in my heart for this sweet girl. She's damn supportive of me, and I'm getting all antsy for time with her. I crave her. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I think about her and things happen to my body :rolleyes: She'll be out again soon - her and her primary are moving next month so hunting for a new place and getting mentally prepared and organized for all of that is dominating her experience a lot of the time. I'm excited for them to have their own place, and really be able to solidify their love. They are so adorable together, and he makes her heart sing, which makes me equally happy. I have a lot of respect for him, and for them as a couple.

Had to reschedule my Monday night date with Marka as I had a friend in crisis who needed to talk for a long time on the phone. She was really gracious and sweet about it - we have an easygoing connection that doesn't require a lot of maintenance. I want to take her on a picnic for our next date and lay on a blanket. She loves wine and massages and talking endlessly. I love the quality of our communication and her fine mind.

I guess I'm waiting to see what unfolds with Marka and Dreamer, the other lady I have been on three dates with. I would like one more girlfriend, someone more local to go to yoga with, have midweek sleepovers with and enjoy this beautiful weather with. I am unattached, as I find so much satisfaction with Daith & Viveka, but my time with both of them can be limited depending on what is going on with all of our lives. I could see being friends or lovers with both of these ladies. Marka is poly, Dreamer is not so much, and I feel like she is looking more for a wife than a casual girlfriend. She exited an exceedingly abusive relationship some years ago, and has not even really gotten back into dating. She is adamant that she will only date women, but it seems like she has a picture in her head of what she wants, and I am definitely not that. For now we are going to be friends, but the curiosity in her is always bubbling up, especially around being Dommed by a woman. We'll see.

I used to get myself into such a flurry about it all. Those days are over. That initial flush of date-all-the-people is long gone from me, and it's more about really investing in the partnerships that I'm in, and being very cautious about who I invite into my circle.

Weekend is almost here. My week has been so solid and good despite stuff that is way outside of my control happening that would have once really upset me. Having Daith out gave everything that extra icing of good on top. Cereb and I are due for a mountain and sushi, and I want to tease him for continually not doing the shit that he's supposed to and riding bikes instead. He's such a pleasure hound.
 
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Independence.

I love going into the city so much; into the hustle and bustle, ready to choose from the dizzying array of restaurants and cultural events. Settled in just in time for thin crust pizza with pesto, pine nuts and chicken to arrive at Daith's door. We curled up on the couch after dinner, me with two fingers of scotch on the rocks, to watch Twelve Years a Slave. Not exactly the most uplifting movie, but wonderfully shot and a well told tale of the resilience of the human spirit during a time of incredible ignorance. I had to look away a number of times - I have never been much of a fan of violence, and would rather not have images like that imprinted on my mind. To bed, I slept so soundly, my little dog in her bed on the floor. We are so at home in his place, my clothes in the closet, my things tucked away in their spots.

Wandered around a massive market having coffees in the morning finding Mother's Day cards and canoodling. Lunch at a favourite spot, sitting side by side, meandering through our meal and having connected talks. Met a friend of my heart for tea. She and her fiance split a month before the wedding, and she and I have been connecting in that compassionate space within grief. We have studied yoga for years together and clicked into each other's groove within seconds. Both of us left feeling inspired and heard. Returning to Daith we went out for some pretty slammin' Chinese food, then home to pull out the hide-a-bed and snuggle up to watch another movie. So domesticated and relaxing. We went to a bunch of appointments - he has a number of races coming up and has some issues in his lower back that need addressing before he goes crazy on adventures. The simple rhythm of life is lovely.

Texted and talked on the phone with Viveka, her talking excitedly about her upcoming move. I am so proud of her and excited for her future. She has faced so much inside of herself with such presence and bravery, even when her demons buckle her knees and make her weep like a child. Holding her in my arms and feeling that storm of emotion envelop her, rocking her and wiping away her tears as she faces the insecurities and fears inside of her. Being a rock to her is a beautiful gift, and I do not waver in the face of her emotion. I am as strong, and as soft as she needs me to be. It extends from my heart out and into her, my fingers in hers, my mouth on the nape of her neck with my torso curled along her spine. To see a woman like that is what love is to me; that wide open vulnerability and raw emotion, that absolute fear and terror laid waste in the truth of my love. She inspires me in her absolute honesty with self, and her ability to sit with the darkest of her feelings with grace and softness. I hold her inside of me at all times, cradling her soft femininity and revering all that she is. She will be my lady for as long as it is something that she desires.

I talk with friends about the concept of wholeness. New feelings have been growing inside of me these past few weeks, and it is a joy to witness. I grew so insecure in my last major relationship that it left me grasping at the illusion of control in an attempt to mitigate my agony. There was no control to be had, and my pain was my greatest teacher of all, as it always has been. As I step fully into a new chapter in my life, I feel an intense sense of self realization and independence. Over the past 11 months I have met each and every responsibility in my life with courage and capability. I have found solitude in the forest, in my meditations and in dozens of counselling sessions. I have filled myself up in all of the places that I had been stripped bare, and had willingly emptied for another person. I have reconnected with my own resolve, and find myself experiencing deep and long periods of peace, joy and full acceptance of where my life is at. I live more and more in the present moment, and less and less in the past. This is reflected here and I have no desire to revisit what was. That part of my life is over, and getting to know myself as a fully grown, independent and successful woman is an interesting revelation.

I speak to Daith about my need for independence and he responds with such kindness and patience. I turn down so much with and from him, needing to stand on my own two feet and live fully in my own skin. It is too easy for me to get on that same set of tracks; living together, engagement, marriage. He is wealthy, generous and constantly wants to spoil me, help me, take me on trips. I just can't right now. I need to live firmly in my own life and know what that is like to be my own woman. To feel the full weight of my responsibility and remind myself that I can do this on my own. I need to move slowly and really see what this man is made of over time. To be sure that I want that life for myself again, and if so, that he is the right person to partner with.

Two years? Three? I don't know how long these things take. I know that going slow, enjoying each other, and truly getting to know each other before we do something like live together is what I need. He sends me pictures of rings and I have a serious talk with him about not being ready for anything like that yet. I see him false start all the time, and it is hard to remain resolute when I feel that familiar pull of tradition and stability inside of me; I can see how much these things are borne of happiness for him, but I am just not ready, and that is okay.

My home is quiet and cozy right now. It's wet and beautiful out there, and Spring has taken hold of every surface, plants curling up and into their full glory. The trees are heavy with leaves and every surface will glisten in today's wetness, narrow paths and the steady beat of my feet on the ground and my heart in my chest. The mountain awaits and I am hungry for it.

I am full. Whole. Resilient and responsible. I am proud of myself for my good heart and my commitment to growth.
 
Footprints.

The forest is incredible these days. Ferns are stretching up and out of their slumber, and the birds are shrieking their joy at the abundance of light and food all around them. As my feet find their way up the familiar path with an ever quickening cadence, the ground gives way and guides me into the center of myself. I am dreaming with my eyes open and am barely even aware of having a body any longer; I am enveloped and cradled in the sensations of being alive, and everything else leaves me. The warmth of my breath on my lips, the sway of my arms hanging lazily at my sides, the burning in my hamstrings during the steep bits. The words fall away, the thoughts melt into the earth and my pack of dogs become like spirits as they canter along beside me, their gait relaxed and free. I had three with me last night, Cereb either bounding in front of me, or following closely behind me, sweat pouring out of every surface of his body. I don't sweat at all on that mountain. My body is designed for it, and the muscles in my legs are taut and supple in all moments now. Glorious.

Cereb is some kind of an angel. I can see the hump of his wings underneath his shirt. We wind down the road, him handling my car like a drunken moose, the dogs sliding around in the back as we listen to The Killers at top volume. I cry shamelessly in front of him. The tears slide down in messy miniature waterfalls and carve wet tracks on my skin. Honest in every moment, he requires no illusions of me, and has no sympathy for me either. Within moments we are busting a gut laughing our heads off; he cheers me up by telling me hilarious falsities about the horrible demise of his ex/still current love, "You think YOU feel bad? Imagine how *I* feel - my girlfriend had her head snapped off by a giant squid only yesterday! How terrible!" If he has an F in his Meyers Briggs, I'd gage it at about a 10%. Aahahahaha. We eat together, and then slide into the privacy of our own evenings. I could move to Nantucket with him right now without even blinking, and if he walked out of my life and never returned I wouldn't even be sad. He is just as he is, quick as a snake and slippery as an eel.

Plans with a girlfriend tonight to sip wine in a swanky restaurant and talk about revelations that we have come to. We have been friends for almost a year now, and our relationship is based solely in talks about our spiritual journey. She has this wild flaming red hair, and is oddly psychic. She has said things to me that actually make my heart pound. Only *I* know some of the things that she has said just off the cuff to me, and has an uncanny ability to predict what is happening next. People drive long distances to have her give them 'readings' but for her, it's a shruggable thing - it is what it is, and she doesn't give it much weight. It's like playing when I hang out with her - I feel like we are six, just with more consciousness.

It has been a ludicrously social year for me. I have to carve out pockets to refill my introverted batteries and retreat into quiet space with my books, meditating in the back yard. Hanging out with other introverts can be like being alone in some ways, but without whole days by myself I always feel a little tapped out.

My photography session with Dreamer is happening this Friday night if all pans out well. Projects are motoring along beautifully. My heart is full, and my mind is quiet more often than not. The love I house for Daith and Viveka is easy. I need space, and both of them have rich, full lives that make it easy for me to take it. Alma and I have been reconnecting a lot lately; talks, inspiration, and hopefully some more yoga. He does Bikram's, and while I have always avoided it because the idea of doing it in a hot room kind of rubs me the wrong way, I like the solid flow of it when he is leading class. We might go to some actual classes together soon, although I am cautious of it, as my guru has talked about how it aggravates the central nervous system. We'll see how it goes - it's so beautiful out that my practice will be back outside again in the near future anyways.

My meditations have been on insecurity and control lately. It's a beautifully humbling experience to sit with those parts of myself. I am such a sensitive, loving heart, and rejection, betrayal and dishonesty brings out this insanely protective beast in me. It is so incredibly futile; nothing can protect you from this world. There is only acceptance in what is, and the illusion of there being anything to be insecure about, or to control is what I need to look at. The mind that creates these things will spur the body into emotive states that are so incredibly destructive and futile. I remove myself from my thoughts, I observe and give my attention without attachment to the surges of emotions that come from particular thoughts. I stay removed and curious about the experiences that I choose to create inside of myself.

Most of all, I just feel a lot of love and compassion. For myself, for my ex, and for our spectacular human flailings. Loving him was one of the greatest joys of my life to date, and I am deeply grounded in a state of gratitude for all of the beauty that we had between us. As much as there is pain, there is so much beauty, and today, I am happy that it fills up my heart, and that my eyes are dry.
 
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Dreams.

Home after work last night, whistling away in the glorious sunshine and playing with my dog in the back yard. So good! Petto and I had an unexpected and lovely visit, and I txted Cereb to let him know that my wine drinking plans had fallen through - my friend wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling hyper and ready for a little adventure. He was oh-so-game and tied up loose ends to come and get me.

We hopped in his newly tuned up hilarity of a vehicle, and in the style of a sleep-deprived Bukowski he drove us to a neighboring city to one of my all time favorite restaurants for an uber fancy dinner, yelling at each other over the music. He wore LOAFERS to dinner. I have never seen that man out of sneakers the entire time I have known him. I almost wore 5" heels and a proper dress, and then was like, 'It's Cereb!" When I told him that it had crossed my mind, he said, "Yeah, but I"m Cereb!" EXACTLY! We pulled up to a favored restaurant of mine; been there so many times over the years, and was worried that somehow it would be a trigger for me, but it turned out to be pretty blissful. Our taster platter had miniature beef wellingtons, perfectly tender prawns and this crazed handmade cheese layered into a picture perfect slice of pie interspersed with layers of delicately cooked squash, hard crostinis on the side. I had this succulent and tender rabbit that shut me up for a good ten minutes. Crispy oven roasted vegetables were artfully arranged on an incredible side of creamed parsnip butter, a sinful stuffing on the side. He had a perfectly cooked ling cod, and we fought over handmade chocolate and minted ice cream for dessert. Elderflower infused bourbon lemonade, ice cold water and perfect company. We gossiped for a couple of hours, eating and giggling at each other's stories. I toasted our friendship and got a little mushy, and giving that he's got all the feelings of a piece of coal the vast majority of the time, I was surprised when he piped up and said that our friendship meant a great deal to him, and when he admitted that he hadn't had a friend in his life like me since grade eight, I said that I knew exactly what he meant. He said that at most, he hangs out with most people once or twice a month. We sometimes hang out three or four nights a week, and he has taken to just coming over in his pajamas in the evenings for movie nights or tea drinking parties. He is ruthlessly honest in all things, and I can say that I have never spoken the truth like this to anyone in my life - I cherish him, and his friendship - it is unlike anything I have experienced in my adult life, and having ZERO sexual bullshit between us is so good. Taking the J out of someone's Meyer's Briggs is pure magic (Cereb is an INTP) - I have experienced that same lack of judgement in Viveka (an ENFP) and found it to be incredibly relaxing for me. We went thrift storing afterwards, which I totally love doing but have been refraining from for several months.

Such incredibly vivid dreams last night, one of which involved a baby. That's something that I haven't given a lick of thought to for quite some time! It belonged to Petto and I, which made me laugh upon waking when I recalled it. I could see him being a great dad; so steady, so firm and kind and his parents would probably eat it whole, let alone my dad - he will point at random people's babies and ask me, "So when are you going to give me one of these?" Me with kids.... I'm great with them, but even in my dream I was holding the baby out to Petto, being like, "What do I do with this thing?"

I wrote in my journal for almost an hour and a half last night, and then again immediately after waking with a piping hot coffee. So much is coming to fruition inside of me, and it blows me away how much is falling into place these days in my external life. I am so excited for this summer.

The slow groove of these long evenings is delicious. Heading to a film fest with Cereb tonight, then hanging with Petto. Viveka is knee deep in some huge life changes - a move, a trip, and all manner of work responsibilities. Daith is buried in work right now - back to back projects that are spanning up to 16 hours a day. Times like this make us all grateful for the constancy of our love, and the lack of stress that any of us experience in our independence.

There is talk of Daith coming out for a week once his big work push is over, but I know he really just wants to take me on an all expenses paid tropical vacation. I haven't wrapped my head around that one yet - feels like such an extravagant gift. He does this though; my birthday last year left me squirming- he got me enough gear to see me through EVERY season of running outdoors, and it left me feeling pretty damn shy about the amount of money that he had spent on me. Christmas was equally ridiculous with a two day whirlwind in the city, including an entire day at a luxury spa. Crazy boy!

Tomorrow night my one of my ex-girlfriends is coming for a (non-sexy) sleepover followed by her treating me to a spa day! I love spending time with her, and value her friendship so much. This weekend is going to be all gardening and hikes and maybe, just maybe some sexy-ish times with Dreamer? We'll see what unfolds, but I am curious!
 
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The Stars.

"You've got to hold on when you get love.... and let go when you give it."

Spoke of the nature of love with Cereb last night for a long time after the movie, our bellies full of horrid orange soda and popcorn, looking at the night sky in our states of altered consciousness. Yoga is in his bare livingroom; he is purging everything that he owns as an experiment, and I enjoy watching the way that he lives. We're doing some mountaintop meditations next week, which will only work if we don't bring the dogs. They'll not know to be bummed, but I will - I love watching them work and run with us, and seeing the grins on their faces.

Talks with Petto, we get on the same page fast, and stay there. More and more we just have an invisible agreement that we seem to arrive at over and over again. It's awkward how sexually attracted I am to him at times, but I am ironclad in my personal discipline and don't allow my vagina to lead me around in life. I think that the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't matter anyways. It is what it is, and we're firmly planted in mutual respect and friendship, so we'll just stem from that in all that we do and keep things simple.

Been thinking a lot about the nature of sexuality, and how it has the capacity to truly change the dynamics between people. It releases so much karma to unify a body with another; patterns that only exist in intimate relationships rise up and start to cycle through their own rhythms. It is only when you step away that you can see the places that you spin when biochemistry hunts you down, unarmed in the woods of your own heart. NRE is nothing that I am interested in - I have romanticized myself into hell in the past, and I shan't do it again. I treat it as an interesting experience, but no longer get wrapped up in the pleasure of it. I move slowly, steadily and just stay present for what comes after the initial dumps of dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin and vasopressin stop working their voodoo. Who is a person when you're not whirling high around them, or allowing these delicious bio-drugs to shape your ultimate choices for yourself? I recognize the ease of connection between people when sex is involved; the lubrication of biochemistry pulling at the solid structures of reason and compatibility. It fascinates me.

A favoured psychological study of Arthur Arun outlines the stupidity of mireading biochemistry. In his study, he asked various dyads to reveal intimate details about their lives to each other for half an hour, and then stare into each other's eyes in silence for four minutes. Afterwards, many of the people involved in his studies admitted to attraction to the other person that was involved in the study, and two couples ended up GETTING MARRIED.

It's not that I don't think that there is legitimacy in connecting with others through physicality - I adore sex like I adore breathing - it's a need in my body that I love to satiate and sink into the rhythm of. I just know that only without sex being a part of the picture do you truly have the opportunity to get to know another human being without being under the influence, so to speak. While seratonin and dopamine enter friendships all the time, vasopressin and oxytocin are only released during orgasm/sex, and they are the ones that I have seen steal people's brains away from them like fucking ninjas, especially my own.

Shit I've done while falling in love is kind of hysterical, "Let's move in together" is a wise one that I have done several times WAY too early in relationships for it to confidently be based on legitimate compatibility and connection. It is one of my patterns from my past, and not one that I will repeat again. True compatibility is something that I am definitely interested in at this stage of my life, and if I don't have it, then I am very comfortable being on my own. I am independent and don't see the point in living with my lovers right now - I like my space, like inviting people into it, like fucking people senseless in my room, or curling up by myself with a good book without the hassles of another human being there. I like that fluidity, and quite honestly, I wonder if I had come to this realization earlier in life if I would have even lived with most of the partners that I did. I'm not sure that this is even something that I would want again. My ex and I used to share a love den at one point - I worked my magic and found us a furnished two bedroom in a town in the middle of our individual homes, and it was SO much fun to go there, sex it up, spend time together and be blissful in our unique and delicious connection. It was an adventure every time. I like that idea, and might keep it as something for my next relationships. If it ever got serious enough that we wanted to live on the same property/share expenses/pool resources, even having our own suites within a house would be lovely - visit each other, but not have to be up on top of each other. Seeing lovers without the hassle of shared living, having restorative time, or private time with friends.

It's a shame, because I am SO GOOD at being someone's partner, LOL. I keep a beautiful home, and am good at taking care of practicalities for others - finances, shopping, all of that good stuff. I enjoy it very much, as acts of service are both a favored received and spoken language of love for me. If I love you, I will be overcome with a desire to do your laundry and tidy your kitchen up. It's an extension of my heart to serve others in that way. I get these rocks off with entertaining though - several kinds of cheese, olives and tapenades, bars of chocolate and an entire drawer full of tea, appetizers in the freezer that are ready to pop in the oven, white and red wine, scotch, gin and tonic water, with fresh limes in a basket and good quality kush; my home is open to the potential of friends every evening without having to go shop and fuss about. Cereb stopping by, or Alma coming to do yoga, Viveka coming for a sleepover, or my parents popping by to visit - I love to make tea and fuss, make sure there is a beautiful fire going, get a blanket for my snuggly girlfriends who get chilly, give foot rubs. It's nice to exercise that part of me without having someone there full time. So lovely to sink into the pleasure of my own company as well, and turn that care towards myself.

Life is marvelous and surprising at every turn. I find myself soaked in gratitude to my exes today, and the beauty that they brought into my life. I'm going to sit with that this afternoon, working away and getting shit done while contemplating the silence of thankfulness. Fuck. Yes.

Excited for my sleepover tonight - dinner, wine, talks, a hike in the morning up a favored mountain, visiting my construction site, spa times, and then I'm sure that Cereb and I will make the most of our heartbeats and lungs in the evening, scaling another one. There's a four hour hag of a mountain that needs to be murdered by us, just waiting for the weather to warm up just a little bit more.
 
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First, your post made me hungry. I have a hankering for a strawberry and elderflower pavlova.

I love the dynamic you describe between you and Cereb. There is something to be said for having a male friend who gets you and does not expect anything. It is important to surround yourself with people like that. They will always keep you humble out of the hype and keep you level-headed in the midst of anything. The beauty is you appreciate and value one another, so I will raise a glass of champers (at 8 am) to that.

There is talk of Daith coming out for a week once his big work push is over, but I know he really just wants to take me on an all expenses paid tropical vacation. I haven't wrapped my head around that one yet - feels like such an extravagant gift. He does this though; my birthday last year left me squirming- he got me enough gear to see me through EVERY season of running outdoors, and it left me feeling pretty damn shy about the amount of money that he had spent on me. Christmas was equally ridiculous with a two day whirlwind in the city, including an entire day at a luxury spa. Crazy boy!

I say go for the holiday. Daith is doing it because he wants to and because he knows you can use it. Take a break and let someone do something for you for once. Independence is a beautiful and sexy thing, and I love knowing that I may want someone but never need them to provide anything for me. However, I like being to be spoilt every now and then. Where is he trying to take you?

Such incredibly vivid dreams last night, one of which involved a baby. That's something that I haven't given a lick of thought to for quite some time! It belonged to Petto and I, which made me laugh upon waking when I recalled it. I could see him being a great dad; so steady, so firm and kind and his parents would probably eat it whole, let alone my dad - he will point at random people's babies and ask me, "So when are you going to give me one of these?" Me with kids.... I'm great with them, but even in my dream I was holding the baby out to Petto, being like, "What do I do with this thing?"

Babies are precious little humans. I waited almost seven years into my marriage to conceive the first one. I loved my little brother, nephews, and niece they like they were my own. I have godchildren all over the world. However, I never had a maternal bone in my body, and I definitely had moments during my first pregnancy of, "OMG. What am I to do with her?" The first time I looked in her eyes, every concern and worry melted away. None of it seemed important. She became the irreplaceable love of my life in that moment. I vowed to love her and never leave her.

I think you would be one hell of a mum. I say give it some thought, but do not let it consume you.

I am ironclad in my personal discipline and don't allow my vagina to lead me around in life.

Good for you. It is hard to resist certain urges, but as you and Petto have figured out, sometimes that unrequited physicality might be a good thing. (I would make this into a motto for a t-shirt to sleep in or wear around the house.)

I adore sex like I adore breathing - it's a need in my body that I love to satiate and sink into the rhythm of. I just know that only without sex being a part of the picture do you truly have the opportunity to get to know another human being without being under the influence, so to speak. While seratonin and dopamine enter friendships all the time, vasopressin and oxytocin are only released during orgasm/sex, and they are the ones that I have seen steal people's brains away from them like fucking ninjas, especially my own.

This. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

When I first met Matt, I friend zoned the hell out of him. He was my squishy. Even once I developed feelings for him and fell in love with him, I had to stop myself because that sexual attraction hit once love was in the picture. I did not want to act irrationally under the guise of sex. There was no penetrative sex until after the vows were exchanged. I wanted to get to know him intimately without being high on dopamine, seratonin, vasopressin, and oxytocin. I wanted to know that he wanted me for me and not after the love below. Looking back, that was the smartest decision because that time enabled me to get to really know him and not with GDS--Good Dick Syndrome--clouding my brain.

I am glad you are doing well and enjoying life. Continue doing that and surrounding yourself with good food, good wine, good books, good sex, and tranquility.
 
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Babies and Vacations.

Pavlova. My God, yes. I just had this incredibly moist and thickly iced carrot cake and it made my afternoon pretty sweet. Literally.

Thanks for your props re: Cereb. Our connection is pretty curious, and I enjoy it thoroughly. Just going on runs up mountains is enough for a friendship, but add all of the other things we enjoy doing together in there, and we have a pretty nice mix for regular companionship.

Daith wants to whisk me away to Kauai, Hawaii for two weeks. It's a very romantic gift, and I think I will follow your advice and take him up on it. It can be confusing for me, because I am fairly independent, but I know how much he loves to spoil me, pamper me, and make me smile. He has a folder waiting for me with all of our options for house rentals, activities and our overall itinerary, so if I say go and commit to dates, he'll be a man on a mission. Pretty adorable.

Oh I love the sexual tension between Petto and I, and unrequited is the way to leave it. I am devoted to Daith, and know that anything but complete fidelity is not acceptable in our relationships when it comes to other men. I would break up with him before I would betray him in any way. He knows that I find Petto attractive, because I am honest about my life with him, and trusts me implicitly.

I am amazed that you waited until you were married, and can see how it would make all the difference in building a really solid base for a marriage. That is a traditional value that has been left behind by so many people, but I do have several (Christian) friends who have abstained and say that they are the better for it. I have had some seriously great sex in my life, both within the context of marriage and outside, but know that for me, I could never enter into marriage without being confident that our sex life was going to be pretty great. I am re-evaluating a lot of the ways that I have approached relationship and connection over the years, and seeing how I have invited partners that had different characters and integrity than I do as a result of it. Fascinating stuff.
 
Carrot cake...after my own heart. I wanted carrot cake cupcakes at about 4 AM. I finally had some this morning. Matt was sweet enough to pick some up after he dropped the girls off at school. He is my favourite person today.

It is good that you have a strong companion in Cereb. The two of you can run for me because I lack motivation these days. My trainers probably have dust on them.

Aww. You should go. How many people would turn down Hawaii? It is almost winter, and I am already trying to select a tropical destination for my girls' next term break. I can just see myself walking on the white sandy beaches of Mauritius or Mustique. Give the man something to work with, so he can treat you to a romantic getaway to Kauai. Two weeks in paradise. Time to start researching the island and seeing what adventures you can get into. Look at it is a way to create new memories that will last for a lifetime.

Aww again. Love makes me happy. Daith is good for you, and kudos to you sticking to fidelity. He seems like a good man, and I am sure he cares for you a great deal.

You? Me. I am still utterly amazed. He was and still is the only man I have had sex with. Strangely, he is the only man I have ever been attracted to as well. That could have been part of it because I had been intimate with females before him and was sleeping with my then-girlfriend/now-ex. It was definitely not religious conditioning, and I always believed in testing sexual compatibility. There was a limit with him, though. PiV sex did not happen. It was not a completely celibate existence for him. I am not that cruel. It was not intentional to wait until marriage. The first year? Sure. He was a friend and my squishy, and I was working out how I felt about him and the newness of romantic feelings for a man. The second year? OK, maybe. We were in the dating stage. Start of the third year? I cannot figure that one out. We were the best of friends, close, engaged, and obviously, it was pretty serious. He had proven himself. Madness. My only regret is waiting and missing out on something that was good for me.
 
"Elderflower infused bourbon lemonade..."

Ohhhh gawd....yum. My mixologist genes are churrrning....summertime cometh.

You always relate your life beautifully into words. Props & blessings.
 
Lazy weekends.

FullofLove: I will totally train for you! And we can both eat carrot cake, LOL. YUM! I have a lot of respect for the way that you started your relationship with your hubby. It has been something that I have been meditating on a lot lately, and some interesting things have come up for me in regards to that!

BlackMagic: SO DELICIOUS! Mixology is a pretty awesome skill to have under your belt, I can almost screw up a gin and tonic LOL.

This weekend has been pretty marvellous so far. Spent Friday with Petto and the dogs, going for long walks down at a local river and talking about our lives. As a fellow INTJ he's easy to relate to, and has a very measured approach to most things in life. We have had some similar struggles in our lives, and even share some of the same crew from our early teens which is kind of cool. We made pizza and hung out into the evening, Cereb coming over wearing a hysterical Asian hat and a silk robe. Fuck he makes me kill myself laughing. Up late listening to music and working on our tin hat conspiracies about the world.

Yesterday was the laziest of mornings. I got ready to go for an epic hike, and came out of the bathroom to one of my favourite smoothies at the foot of my bed, with no evidence of Cereb being anywhere in the house aside from that. Got ready and rounded up my dog pack, then met up with Cereb and away we went. Half hour drive and we were there, the bottom of this unremarkable trailhead. I could see the mischief in his eyes and knew that my ass was up for a serious grind. Four hours later, when we stretched by the car, I was all grins. It was like being an elf in LOTR; the old growth trees, the moss and lichen, the ferns all straining for sunlight and the sheer technical nature of the hike. The hike itself averages a sixty-six degree incline, and I loved having to work my way over massive felled trees and down steep ravines covered in rocks. He was coated in sweat as per usual at the top, the dogs swarming around us excitedly. The view was breathtaking, islands and a massive lake, us smiling and drinking water, satisfied with the fruits of our labour. #iearnedthisview much?

We met my parents for sushi afterwards and as always, I love hearing my parents tell stories to someone new for the first time. Their lives have been so full of experience and adventure and I always feel such a surge of pride and love in my hearts that I am the lucky girl who gets to be their daughter. They have been such an incredible source of support to me over this past calendar year, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without them. So many times I have sat and had long talks with my mother and father about the nature of commitment, and how much I struggle with all that has unfolded. They are resolute in their love for me, and they are so steady and wise. Their marriage is 42 years long, and they have so much love and respect for each other. It is humbling to witness something so solid and beautiful between two people.

Headed home to meet up with Dreamer, stopping to buy wine. Carted firewood upstairs and tidied the house a bit before she arrived. Time flies when we are talking - we stayed up late again. I warned her before she came over that my hike had taken a good chunk of energy out of me, and that I might be sleepy, so she didn't take me yawning and getting all sleepy from her lovely footrub personally. We postponed photos; we are both on our moons, and she talks about the lack of creativity inside of her during that time. Not sure when it's all going to come together - that was my hope for Daith's birthday present, so will have to figure something else out.

Daith and I talked for the first time in a few days. He has been so busy with work, and I have been buckling down in my work and fitness and spending lots of time with friends. It was so good to hear his voice - he was just about to head out on a run. He purchased us tickets to a big fancy event next weekend, and we're having a hotel night. Love mini holidays! He has a tough time with distance, and needs reassurance during those times; I forget about stuff like that as an INTJ, and can hear that inflection in his voice when he feels sad that we're not connecting often enough, whereas I can be totally content going a few days without long conversations.

My meditations on relationship, attachment and emotions have been so excellent lately. Staying present with uncomfortable feelings and not allowing them to overwhelm me is exciting and challenging work for me. My family legacy of mismanaging emotions has been something that has really plagued me in my adult life, especially within the context of intimate relationships. The way that I handle being afraid, vulnerable, insecure, or upset has a tendency to lean towards BPD - I don't meet a great deal of the criteria, but in the way that I feel so deeply, and so intensely, I do. I'm working with a DBT/CBT therapist specifically on this, and in conjunction with a lot of other work I am doing, it is making an absolutely massive difference in my life. It explains a lot of my struggles and gives me something very concrete to work on. It's a relief! Facing my weaknesses with love and compassion is a beautiful gift, and I am so grateful for this healing time in my life. Having supportive, stable people around me has made a massive difference.

I am increasingly grateful for the emotional experience of my marriage. Within the private confines of our relationship so many things happened. There is no point in cycling through the past - there are no lessons in going over the details of failures or perceived wrongs - we did our best in the time that we were together, and increasingly there is a sense of peace in my heart around it all. The lessons lie in the fact that I was pushed beyond my limits so many times that I had to face the ineffective way that I have dealt with negative emotions throughout my life. Now that I have lost my husband, the man who has meant more to me than anyone else ever has in my life, there is nothing left to fear. I have faced my biggest terror and I am still alive, still here, with a beautiful beating heart, still loved and with incredible people all around me. My life is intact, my responsibilities have been met, and I am fearless in the way that I am looking at myself, and the way that I failed myself and him within the context of our relationship. It is beautiful, humbling and exciting.

I used to Freak Out. Emotions would wash over me, envelop me and draw me down into the abyss of despair and terror. I had no concept of how to soothe myself out of that state when I would hit it; it manifested in all kinds of unhealthy ways starting in my mid teens. When I feel things like that now, I sit quietly and feel that emotion. I let it penetrate me and observe how I feel from a place of detachment and consciousness. I breathe, experience the flood of emotion, and self soothe. If I cannot shift it through acceptance, I go for a hike or a run, or if I am with Daith I fuck the living daylights out of him - something to draw me back into the physical realm and out of my head. It is wonderful.

I give my gratitude and thanks to my ex. For forcing this part of myself up and out through both his natural state of being, and the choices that he made so many times that it became intolerable for me to not to grow as a human being. I know it was intolerable for him, and while I wish I had received more compassion and less frustration from him, I am glad that I didn't. If he hadn't have been him, I wouldn't be here, facing this with my fearless heart. The gratitude and love that I feel in my bones for him freeing me from this pattern in my life by drawing me into the depths of it is permeating every inch of me these days. What a beautiful teacher he has been in my life, and what an opportunity for real happiness I now have. The saddest way to get here? Yes. Love of my life? Gone. I miss him everyday, and that is okay. It's okay to learn through loss, and it's a beautiful part of the human experience to feel the intense, raw emotion that exists inside of the process of grief. To have loved like that is a gift that many people never get to experience, and if I allow myself to separate myself from that joy, all is lost.

I no longer fear dealing with my negative emotions. There was so much shame in not knowing how to handle them, and the panic and shitty ways that I dealt with them are serious learning lessons; it is a pretty incredible feeling to be inside of myself, increasingly whole and capable inside of my emotional experience. There are days when I struggle, but I give those days voice to the ones who love me, and they encourage me, talk with me, or go for hikes with me. Cereb's strange perspective on the world, and near enlightened way of living his life have been instrumental in shifting my consciousness. The prods and indicators in counselling head me off on different thought trains, and I discover and rediscover myself over and over again. My partners are steady and stable and I love them.

On a less philosophical note, I have a road trip planned for the end of a month with a dear friend of mine. We're heading somewhere warm for a few days, stopping in a city that her hubby might be taking a new job in. I am excited for her, and excited to just drive, listening to good music and having long swathes of time to share our thoughts about life, and hear about her heart. She is so sensitive and beautiful, and we have been close for years - we both talk about how much we have shaped each other's lives, and I love her so much.

Sending everyone wishes for a wonderful day, and extending this humble heart out into the world.
 
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Surprises.

I have never much been a fan of surprises. Well, surprises that I know about. I will arbitrarily decide what the surprise might be "I bet it's flying lessons!" and then when it's an aromatherapy massage I am oddly disappointed. It makes me laugh, but I would always rather a) know what to expect b) be blindsided by a surprise. Daith texted me at around 4:30 yesterday evening, and told me to pack a bag and meet him at a particular hotel. My very bones quivered with excitement - I love it when he takes ownership of me for one, and I love sexy hotel romps in general.

The day was sunny and beautiful, and Petto and I's feet were crunching on gravel together. The dogs were bounding around in sheer joy and pleasure, and the wind rippled everything around us in shimmering light. Water lazily swung by us in the river, and we commented on things we saw, or walked in silence, or talked about the nature of things that we think on. We paused at a sandy beach that we favor to throw sticks for his dog and I did a short yoga practice. I love his energy, and his sweetness; he is quite thoughtful in very simple ways. We were trying to figure out how to get to the other side of the bank, as we have high hopes for finding a secret spot to lay out in this summer with books, kush, and nothing to do, and meandered back to the car to go for a drive and see if we could find a path there. Stopped by a garden center as I am inching towards getting all of my plants started in my veggie garden this week. The text came in on our way back to the car, and I could not stop grinning - what pleasure there is in life.

Home, I asked a friend to look after my dog and packed my bags, a bottle of rich Malbec for me and a big bottle of sparkling water for my ever-sober Daith. Lingerie, heels, gear and a change of clothes for the morning, I headed out with my sunroof open, arriving at my destination shortly. Lounging in the hotel room in heels and lingerie was delightful; reminded me of my early romps with my ex and I sent him my love and gratitude for such fun times.

He arrived and we were wordless. We didn't have a thing to say for almost two hours. It was absolute bliss, and as I lay on his chest, my body bathed in cooling sweat there wasn't a thought to be had. Living in the present moment has its perks. The evening unfolded beautifully; went for a nice dinner, walked around outside holding hands, the ease of our connection just there for us to enjoy. Back to bed, I put music on and he poured me wine and I read aloud to him. He loves it when I read to him, and I brought a book of short stories as a treat for him. He just gazes at me so softly when I "tell him stories", lying on his side, this huge, tough looking man covered in tattoos becomes my pusscat, but I ignore him entirely and get sucked into the depth of the story. Cereb leant me this book - The Late Man - and it gets me everytime.

We talked about my connection with Cereb, and I'm glad that we did. I love him. A lot. Daith is unthreatened, and trusts me implicitly although he did admit that he was envious of the sheer volume of time that the two of us get to spend together. He touched my face and told me that he had never known anyone like me before, and that he wanted me to have all of the love and happiness that I need in my life. I am his woman, he will not want anyone else as long as we are together. He is my man, and is the masculine focus of my desire. It is good to check in, to communicate.

I spoke to him of my meditations from the last couple of weeks, and about my BPD tendencies with emotion. Turns out he has already ordered books on the subject, and gone in to see his counselor to find out how best to support me as I make my way into my recovery. We talk about family dynamics, self realization, confronting our weaker selves with compassion and love. He talks about me as a whole person, accepting me as I come, and loving me just as I am. It is a beautiful gift, and we tumble into each other again, me bursting into tears at the sheer beauty of it more than once. By the time we curled into each other for sleep, my form planted firmly against the line of his body, the night was black and silent. He tucked his thumb into my fist, and the smile on my lips as I drifted off was as much for the love in my heart for my ex as it was for Daith. That man held me so beautifully before sleep for years, and I am so happy to have a return to love inside of my heart for him again; letting go of sadness and pain and seeing only the beauty that was there between us, and the gifts that he has brought to my life sets us both free.

Daith went out for fancy coffees and breakfast while I was in the shower, and we lounged around for a little while before getting started on our days. He has a wrap from a big job, my backlog from the weekend is always impressive, and we kissed goodbye in the parking lot.

I believe Cereb and I are going for a picnic tonight. I made talk of us bringing blankets and such and having a nice nap somewhere outside. I just want to share space with him, don't care what it is we do, really. He'll probably want to run up a mountain, and I will likely concede if that's what his heart desires. This week is going to be a fun one - time with friends abounds and a romantic weekend in the city planned by Daith to cap it all off. He's heading off to see his sister, and so this is our pre-anniversary celebration, to be followed up by his birthday celebration on his return. Yay May!
 
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I love your updates. I always end up grinning like a Cheshire and aww'ing. I am glad you are doing well. I will post a more lengthy response later. :)
 
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