My metamour does not respect me

Op when you have 7 different posters giving you the same or similar feedback when are you going to listen?
 
They would think I am cheating myself.

Do you think you are cheating yourself by staying with him when he continually does not set and enforce boundaries with her wonky behavior?

I feel like if she doesn't respect me, he shouldn't be tolerant of that.

He IS tolerant of that. So... what do you do about his behavior? I would concentrate there. And leave her crazy for him to deal with. Because you can only deal with things one at a time. And rather than work from the outside back inward? You could start with you and go outwards from there:

  1. Define. These are the things you can and cannot put up with.
  2. Articulate. Make him aware of your boundaries.
  3. Enforce. He cross the line? You follow through with the consequence that YOU can do for yourself to get you out of the line of fire.

I was doing just fine until I learned about how uncomfortable she is with me.

Who told you this stuff that disturbs your peace? The BF.

You can tell him to stop telling you his drama on that other side of the V. You could exercise firmer personal boundaries for yourself.

  • You can ask him to stop oversharing information about how she feels or does not feel, thinks or does not think. That side of the V you do not participate in. So if he has problems on that side of the V, he can talk to a friend, a counselor, etc. But not to you.
  • What he tells you about that side of the V is limited to sex health hygiene things. And calendar things. If he goes into deep details he can expect you to say "No. I do not go deep into this. You can go deep with you friends or a counselor."
  • You can tell him to please stop telling HER the details about your dates or planned dates. And just say "I have a date. I am booked. I can see you on ___." to prevent another incident like the movies.
  • You can tell him "No, not willing" when he asks you to reach out to her. You do not participate in things on that side of the V. He can ask a friend or counselor to do that instead.

If he does not like her acting out at him? That's HIS problem to deal with. You are not his "clean up" person. He picks to date a wonky one, he can figure out HOW to deal with the wonky on his own, or break up with the wonky.

She's been doing this sort of thing without letting up for quite a while. He sat her down, told her how he wants to refer to me in public and to friends and coworkers, explained what his intentions are with me, and she's been upset about it. And more than anything, *he* has said that she does not respect me.

How do you know all this? He's oversharing details of what happens on that side of the V.

He's kvetching IN then. Why's he sharing his problems with her on that side of the V with YOU? How is he helping the two of you "steer clear" of each other and maintain truce when he's the one sloshing all over you with data about her?

Unless he gets off on that -- being vied over by two people. Which explains why he continues to overshare. He likes creating the drama. Have you considered that angle?

I'm not sure if he's letting me think it's her because he doesn't want to own any mistakes. He did tell me that he feels like he has been the one not guiding her expectations very well.

(Sloshing details on to you) is not (guiding her.)

He could stop sloshing and start guiding then. If he needs help, he can seek it OUTSIDE the system -- a friend, a counselor, etc. Not the people WITHIN the system.

But I don't feel like I'm meddling in her business. The fact that her actions are spilling over into my relationship with him, that affects me. And I should be conscious of that, no?

Yes. You could be concerned. Who is doing the spilling over on to you? HIM. He has weak boundaries OR he gets off on the drama.

I'm not saying her behavior is stellar. It is not. But you could stop focusing on her acting out, and focus on him spilling. The one bringing it to your door is HIM. How would she know what movie to go to if he hadn't told her in the first place? :confused:

Have you had an experience where you've had to allow time to let changes set in, and how did you decide on what a reasonable time frame was?

Yes, I've had those experiences. That's why I set a boundary for myself of 3 strikes.

Some people go by time. I go by strikes. Sometimes strikes AND time. Like 3 strikes or 1 year. Whichever is first. I'm not going to spend 5-10 years in limbo here. That's too much.

To me? If he were my BF he'd be past his third strike. From your other posts and this one?

Strike 1: we're about to have sex, and he checks his okc. Not being present.

Strike 2: We are on a date, and he gets sucked up into his phone talking to his other gf rather than being present

Strike 3: He keeps telling me details about her, when I feel best NOT hearing about her. He's not respecting my boundary on information management. Only calendar and sex health info basics. Detail? No​

Again, I'm not saying her behavior is stellar. It is not.

But I would focus on his behavior since she's not your amour. She's your metamour. If he's not holding up his end of the stick? He just isn't. And focussing attention on how bad she is doing holding up her sticks doesn't change it.

He's still not holding up his.

I suggest you pick a number. It doesn't matter if I pick 3 strikes and you pick 10. Just pick something. It's not going to be 100 strikes, right?

Then set and enforce firmer boundaries so you get back to this:

I was doing just fine until I learned about how uncomfortable she is with me.

Who did you learn this from? HIM. He is oversharing information.

You tell him you will not put up with X behaviors. And if they keep happening you will leave. Then you step back and let him own his behaviors.

If he continues to do the same old song, different day? Makes it easy for you. You just count strikes. Then when it goes over your number for your limit of tolerance? The situation has become intolerable.

You follow through with the consequence -- you leave.

Galagirl
 
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How does she meddle, exactly?

Schedules. It's 20 questions with her. It isn't just accepting what time he says they'll meet, it's a barrage of questions about why it isn't sooner or if I'm influencing the time they meet. All I ever ask of him is to let me know when he's occupied so I'm not bothering him, and that we make sure we're on the same page (that we aren't going to the same places, for instance).

Well, this, really. What he chooses to call me. That I spend the night however many times a week. That he wants to bring me to things where she brings her husband (there was a work function he wanted to bring me to and he was met with resistance when he said he wanted to bring me). She doesn't make those decisions for him, but she questions it like crazy.

She made it her business that I met his father. She met his father too, but whoa! Apparently I wasn't allowed to do that. She was very upset with him over this.

She also feels the need to tell us what protection we need to be using yet doesn't adhere to it herself.
 
Op when you have 7 different posters giving you the same or similar feedback when are you going to listen?

Well I have 7 different people talking to me so I have only two hands to type ;)
 
Do YOU think you are cheating yourself by staying with him when he doesn't set and enforce boundaries with her wonky behavior?

That whole movie theater thing... he lets her know he's taking you to the movies on a date. And she buys tickets to same showing and gets pissy he won't sit with her? Why is he even telling her stuff about you and him in detail when it enables her to do such a thing?

She behaved poorly. But who gave there the inside scoop so she could show up and fusspot? HIM.

She didn't show up at the same one, sorry... she bought tickets to the same movie (not the exact same time) even though she knew he was going with me.

But yes, legit point.



He IS tolerant of that. So... what do you do about his behavior? I would concentrate there. And leave her crazy to him to deal with. Because you can only deal with things one at a time. And rather than work from the outside back inward? You could start with you and go outwards from there:

  1. Define. These are the things you can and cannot put up with.
  2. Articulate. Make him aware of your boundaries.
  3. Enforce. He cross the line? You follow through with the consequence that YOU can do for yourself to get you out of the line of fire.



Who told you this stuff that disturbs your peace? Sounds like the BF. You can tell him to stop telling you his drama on that other side of the V.
You could exercise firmer personal boundaries for yourself.

  • You can ask him to stop oversharing information about how she feels or does not feel, thinks or does not think. That side of the V you do not participate in. So if he has problems on that side of the V, he can talk to a friend, a counselor, etc. But not to you.
  • What he tells you about that side of the V is limited to sex health hygiene things. And calendar things. If he goes into deep details he can expect you to say "No. I do not go deep into this. You can go deep with you friends or a counselor."
  • You can tell him to please stop telling her details about your dates or planned dates. And just say "I have a date. I am booked" to prevent another incident like the movies.


  • Thank you. Agreed. I like this.

    You can tell him "No, not willing" when he asks you to reach out to her. You do not participate in things on that side of the V. He can ask a friend or counselor to do that instead.

    Absolutely. I've asked that. Thank you.

    For what? So she stops acting out at him? That's HIS problem to deal with. You are not his "clean up" woman. He picks to date a wonky one, he can deal with the wonky.




    Thank you Galagirl. I've just started the conversation now with him about this (we're in other cities at the moment and otherwise I would've started it in person).
 
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How does she meddle, exactly?


Uh-oh, why does he do that? This is an example of the pot-stirring he engages in.


Uh-oh again. Why does he inform her when you've weighed in on a decision he made? More pot-stirring.

He shouldn't be over-sharing with both of you and he shouldn't be asking you to reach out to her. Does he do this on a regular basis?

How long have you and Kit been seeing each other now?

8 months. I don't think he informs her when I've been a part of making a decision, but I think she's afraid that the decision he makes weighs heavily to me.
 
Schedules. It's 20 questions with her. It isn't just accepting what time he says they'll meet, it's a barrage of questions about why it isn't sooner or if I'm influencing the time they meet.
Does this happen in a scheduling meeting among all three of you? From what I've read here, I doubt it. So, now, how do you know Letty asks him a gazillion questions? Kit tells you. Right?

Hon, the issue for you is not that she gives him shit about how he wants to schedule his time - it's that he relays to you all the shit she gives him. She is his headache, not yours! You do not exist to make his headache go away. When he starts to tell you about his conversations with her, hold up your hand and say, "I don't want to hear it." If he persists, hold up your hand again and tell him, "This is my time to spend with you, and I'm not interested in wasting it thinking about conversations that are none of my business."

What he chooses to call me. That I spend the night however many times a week. That he wants to bring me to things where she brings her husband (there was a work function he wanted to bring me to and he was met with resistance when he said he wanted to bring me). She doesn't make those decisions for him, but she questions it like crazy.

She made it her business that I met his father. She met his father too, but whoa! Apparently I wasn't allowed to do that. She was very upset with him over this.
Again, all these things that bothered her - he told you about, correct? You did not get it directly "from the horse's mouth," correct? I think, by now, you know what I am going to say: he should not be sharing this stuff with you. He should be focused on being with you when he's with you.

She also feels the need to tell us what protection we need to be using . . .
Here, you said "tell us" - does that mean she spoke to you about it? Broken record alert - if this is something she only said to him in private, he shouldn't be sharing it with you.

I gotta wonder... why does he tell both of you about all the minutiae he shares with each of you? Could be he gets off (though, perhaps, subconsciously) on having two women fighting over him. Or it could be just that he's never considered the consequences of his actions, thinking poly means everything is wide open and fully shared, and not realizing nor understanding that each person in a relationship deserves privacy about what goes on between them without being reported back to another lover/partner - I suspect he has never really researched how to manage multiple relationships in an ethical, considerate manner.

Of course, she sounds like a real doozy, but he has been fucking up royally.

. . . yet doesn't adhere to it herself.
Well, this IS something that he needs to share. Is he fucking her bareback? Even though he's had a history of maintaining quite an active sex life with several others up until very recently? If so, then he and Letty are both being very, very stupid. And you need to make sure you always use condoms with him.

So, yeah, anyway, the gist of all these responses seems to be that he is contributing to the angst you are going through, in a major way, by not being a good and careful hinge.

I suggest you show him this thread.
 
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We were cross posting. I'm sorry if the quotes are wonky now. I am glad there was something useful for you there though. Thank you for clarifying on the movie thing. But glad you see the point I was trying to get to.

When you talk to him, I hope you articulate your "info management" boundaries with him better:

  • Please tell me calendar things, sex health hygiene things. These are the things I want to know that affect me.
  • Please do not tell me deep detail things -- how she thinks, feels, acts out at you, whatever. I am not the guy. Those things you sort out with her directly. Or things you tell another friend or a counselor so you get outside help/advice on HOW to deal with her directly.

Because YOU don't need to be sucked up in THEIR drama via HIS oversharing.

Right now he's simply disturbing your mental peace by oversharing his problems with her. I get he wants to talk it out with someone, but he could do it with someone OUTSIDE the system. He could pick an appropriate person. You are not it.

Dumping it all on you? That's not respecting your boundary or your need for mental peace. You seem to want that respected.

So state the boundaries crystal clear. Ask if you can expect him to live up to them.

  • If he says no? Thank him for being honest. Then break up. You cannot be with someone who will not respect your boundaries.
  • If he says yes... Then hold him accountable and enforce. He crosses the line? Note it is not respectful and count strikes. Too many strikes racked up? You dump him.

Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I am going to be concise since everyone message is going over your head or you just don't want to hear it.

KIT IS THE PROBLEM...
 
Does this happen in a scheduling meeting among all three of you? From what I've read here, I doubt it. So, now, how do you know Letty asks him a gazillion questions? Kit tells you. Right?

No, not for all three of us. Mostly when she wants to see him. But yes, you're right.

He should be focused on being with you when he's with you.

sigh, absolutely!


I gotta wonder... why does he tell both of you about all the minutiae he shares with each of you? Could be he gets off (though, perhaps, subconsciously) on having two women fighting over him. Or it could be just that he's never considered the consequences of his actions, thinking poly means everything is wide open and fully shared, and that kind of thing - I suspect he has never really researched how to manage multiple relationships in an ethical, considerate manner.

I just confronted him about this and I really do believe it's the latter. He said he hasn't shared my concerns about this with her; that while she's aware that he wants us to get along, that he hasn't been sharing these details with her... but he has shared the details of her being upset with me.

I suggested we re-evaluate what we're sharing and that we go back to being much more careful about disclosure. He agreed. I told him it is affecting me and he apologized.

Of course, she sounds like a real doozy, but he has been fucking up royally.

Yep, I'd agree with that.

Well, this IS something that he needs to share. Is he fucking her bareback? Even though he's had a history of maintaining quite an active sex life with several others up until very recently? Then he and Letty are both being very, very stupid. And you need to make sure you always use condoms with him.

These things are all OK right now. It was more the audacity to be told what WE should be doing, when she wasn't planning on doing the same (including her husband).

So, yeah, anyway, the gist of all these responses seems to be that he is contributing to the angst you are going through, in a major way, by not being a good and careful hinge.

I suggest you show him this thread.

"A good and careful hinge" is what I really appreciate this comment and I think I'm going to emphasize this on an ongoing basis. We just talked about everything and he seems absolutely fine with finding another outlet for these problems, but I will make sure to ask him to think about this and maybe look for some resources himself.

I think he mistakenly thought that I do need to know that she doesn't respect me. He's been telling me how much he respects me and that it bothers him that we're not so fond of each other, but now I think he knows that it hurts more to be hearing these details.

As for me... this has helped me realize that I myself believed in a certain degree of openness and communication. I would like her to respect me but yeah. That is her problem. Time to find zero fucks to give.

So I have my things to work on (not concerning myself with her) and he has his things to work on (not disclosing her problems with me).

That was a much easier conversation to have this time and I'm really glad I asked you all. Thanks for your responses!
 
I am going to be concise since everyone message is going over your head or you just don't want to hear it.

KIT IS THE PROBLEM...

Nope, I heard you. And I directly confronted him about it.

He says he will fix it, and in the past he has and it's crept back up again, so I think this will go easier than it did the first time.

Thank you for your honesty.
 
We were cross posting. I'm sorry if the quotes are wonky now. I am glad there was something useful for you there though. Thank you for clarifying on the movie thing. But glad you see the point I was trying to get to.

When you talk to him, I hope you articulate your "info management" boundaries with him better:

  • Please tell me calendar things, sex health hygiene things. These are the things I want to know that affect me.
  • Please do not tell me deep detail things -- how she thinks, feels, acts out at you, whatever. I am not the guy. Those things you sort out with her directly. Or things you tell another friend or a counselor so you get outside help/advice on HOW to deal with her directly.

Because YOU don't need to be sucked up in THEIR drama via HIS oversharing.

Right now he's simply disturbing your mental peace by oversharing his problems with her. I get he wants to talk it out with someone, but he could do it with someone OUTSIDE the system. He could pick an appropriate person. You are not it.

Dumping it all on you? That's not respecting your boundary or your need for mental peace. You seem to want that respected.

So state the boundaries crystal clear. Ask if you can expect him to live up to them.

  • If he says no? Thank him for being honest. Then break up. You cannot be with someone who will not respect your boundaries.
  • If he says yes... Then hold him accountable and enforce. He crosses the line? Note it is not respectful and count strikes. Too many strikes racked up? You dump him.

Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.

Galagirl

Thank you for this. We had a REALLY constructive conversation and he knows that I'm not trying to make it any more difficult for him with her. He acknowledges that this should not be my problem.

I really appreciate this. It helped a LOT.
 
Glad it helped bring some clarity to your talk.

I hope you guys are on the same page now, and he makes changes to his behaviors so he's not oversharing deep details any more and disturbing your peace. I hope he follows through and doesn't earn himself strikes.

I hope if he does rack up strikes after this point in time, YOU are prepared to follow through and break it off. You can't keep dating him if he says he will respect your boundaries, but then does not actually respect your boundaries. Just too much drama. Talk is cheap. YKWIM?

I'll hope that he will be true to his Word though.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Well, it sucks being a control freak when people won't do what you want them to do, doesn't it?

You've already exerted some degree of control over your bf Kit, by getting him to stop dating others and taking his profile down from OKCupid or wherever, but I am not sure if he is managing his texting others while he is with you. In one thread, you say he won't call you his girlfriend, which pisses you off, but now here you insist you are his gf and Letty is "just" a FWB. She's married, and since you take a dim view of open marriages, you look down on her and how she conducts her relationship with Kit. For some reason, you see her opinions of you as "disrespect." Hmmm. Seriously, what does it matter what she thinks of you? You're in a relationship with him, not her. Why do you deny that she needs, loves, or relies upon him just as much as you do? Besides that, you keep trying to manage his relationship with her, instead of minding your own damn business and just focusing on your relationship with him. But you keep letting her occupy your thoughts!

IMHO, you are just as disrespectful of her position in his life as she seems to be (in your view) of yours.

I see that the one major problem you have it not with her, but with him -- he is not managing being a hinge very well at all, AND simply the fact that he is a polyamorist is something you don't like at all. You want him all to yourself, are incredibly judgmental, want to be in control, and are in a situation you don't like one iota. From what I can tell from your posts, you and he haven't even been together for a year yet, and yet you've participated in quite a lot of drama over him, and keep trying to steer things the way you want them to go.

Why do you stay?

I did want to address this because a few things just about set me off about this comment.

I didn't ask him to stop dating others, by the way. I didn't ask him to take down his OKCupid profile. I told him I was uncomfortable with the amount of people he was sleeping with and that it was a lot to deal with and I didn't think I could handle it. I did not threaten to leave or anything, but I did say that it would be difficult for me to continue.

He chose, on his own, to stop seeing others and to take down his OKCupid profile. That was all his decision.

I don't try to steer anything. I let him know how I feel about things. And I wrangle a lot with expressing these things because I don't want him to view it as choosing between what he wants and me. I'm not going to force him to change. I've compromised a lot and he has compromised a lot, too.

What you all don't see when I come to this forum to ask questions, as someone who's only almost 9 months into this, is how well things do go the vast majority of the time. At least between us.

I admit that I don't have a positive view of open marriages, but I make sure to state this because I am aware that it creates a bias. I mostly just wouldn't be able to do it myself. It's less that I don't respect her for it but more than if she makes these decisions, to open her marriage, that the consequences are hers and not mine nor my partner's.

And he does call me his girlfriend now. On his own decision. He approached me a few times about it, knowing I had been frustrated by his decision not to call me his girlfriend. I dropped the issue and he came back to me deciding that he would like to call me his girlfriend.

I don't look down on her for her relationship with Kit. You may not think so, but go ahead, have that opinion. She chooses to open her marriage and that's her choice. I do, however, really struggle with trying to have sympathy for her when it's been quite clear that her marital problems have largely been connected to how her poly group practices. I also struggle with sympathy when she takes away from the time that he has designated with me to bombard him with issues. It seems to me that her issues have spilled over and he's her excuse to pull him away from things. It hasn't happened since I complained; I also didn't complain until it happened 3 times. I gave her room to take his support when she said she needed it, and when it appeared that she was taking advantage of it, I stepped in and said I wasn't comfortable with it infringing on our time together.

I really don't appreciate you assuming that I'm not okay with his polyamory. Being monogamous does not mean I don't "ok" his polyamory; it does mean, for me, that I believe if it isn't practiced well, it shouldn't be practiced at all. He himself has questioned his desire to practice polyamory, especially since we're all learning, but I support him in this decision and will support him as far as I can.

You want him all to yourself, are incredibly judgmental, want to be in control, and are in a situation you don't like one iota.

This is VERY, very much the pot calling the kettle black. You're putting words in my mouth that aren't true. This makes you unproductive in your comments, rude, and unsupportive. I'm monogamous, but I have no plans on taking him for myself, no plans on controlling him.

You're missing the point that I come to you all with these problems because control is the one thing I refuse to take from him. It could be much easier for me to act the way you tell me I'm acting and just demand he leave the shitshow Letty is. Guess what? Haven't done such a thing. Desire not to do such a thing

And telling me I don't like my situation? Yeah, way to put words in my mouth. Very disrespectful of you. I suggest you take a look at your words and think about what you've told me, and consider that you're being a hypocrite.
 
Glad it helped bring some clarity to your talk.

I hope you guys are on the same page now, and he makes changes to his behaviors so he's not oversharing deep details any more and disturbing your peace. I hope he follows through and doesn't earn himself strikes.

I hope if he does rack up strikes after this point in time, YOU are prepared to follow through and break it off. You can't keep dating him if he says he will respect your boundaries, but then does not actually respect your boundaries. Just too much drama. Talk is cheap. YKWIM?

I'll hope that he will be true to his Word though.

GL!

Galagirl

Yes, talk is cheap. I'm not going to let things slide, but the big difference between where we're at now and where we were when he was sleeping with a lot of women was that I didn't know how to bring these issues to him in a way that wasn't divisive. Ever since that episode and really difficult time, every single conversation we've had about our relationship has been constructive. We have come out of every conversation with compromise.

I also keep a pretty good journal about our conversations and he has held on to his word. I am starting to think that he was really unaware of how far he's gone in disclosing what the issues are and it may require both of us being conscious of it and me not relying on him to not disclose. I need to do better at telling him when he's going too far. Now that we don't snap at each other anymore for reminding the other about our promises to one another, I think this will be easier.
 
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

He didn't follow through the first time and you are expecting different results this time?
 
He didn't follow through the first time and you are expecting different results this time?

1) that's a bullshit quote

2) let me make my mistake. I'll stop coming to you all for advice, because I'm getting tired of being told how I feel about polyamory and that I'm trying to keep him for myself.

No wonder polyamorous people have such a cultish rep to other non-monogamists. I hear from people who used to be poly, their complaint is often the same. I hear from other monos who seek advice from poly folks, and they also tell me how much they're talked down to. While you're right to a pretty large degree - my partner needs to get his shit together - the way you and others condescendingly speak to monogamists is a huge turnoff.
 
"Hypocrite" means saying one thing, doing another, or directly contradicting one's own words. Not seeing how anyone in this thread is doing that, though your interpretation is just as valid as mine. Just making sure "hypocrite" is the word you actually wanted.

As for your responses...Some people in this thread may sound harsh to you. But you're responding in a very defensive, angry way even to those who have tried to be helpful. If people are misunderstanding your intentions or your thoughts and feelings, that isn't on them. They can't read your mind, only your words. People are responding to what they're reading in YOUR posts, so any misinterpretation is at least partially due to how you're expressing yourself.

Clearly you *don't* like the situation you're in, at least the aspects involving Letty, or you wouldn't have started this thread to begin with. I'm not sure why you're taking offense to someone stating that.

And you're right, we don't know how well things go when you aren't posting for advice or feedback, because you don't post about those times. Most of us only post when we need help with a negative situation, and that's fine. But getting angry at us for not knowing that things are good sometimes isn't productive or useful...nor is it logical, since as I said, we can't read your mind, only your words that you type here.

As for feeling sympathy or not toward Letty... why do you have to feel ANYTHING toward her? Why are you making her a factor in your thoughts, feelings, and relationship? You could choose not to think about her at all, and to shut down Kit when he brings her up. You don't have a relationship with her. You have one with him. Her marital problems have nothing to do with you, so there's no need for you to sympathize or not. Her marriage isn't a factor in your life unless she's coming to you for advice, in which case tell her not to because you don't want to deal with it.
 
"Hypocrite" means saying one thing, doing another, or directly contradicting one's own words. Not seeing how anyone in this thread is doing that, though your interpretation is just as valid as mine. Just making sure "hypocrite" is the word you actually wanted.

As for your responses...Some people in this thread may sound harsh to you. But you're responding in a very defensive, angry way even to those who have tried to be helpful. If people are misunderstanding your intentions or your thoughts and feelings, that isn't on them. They can't read your mind, only your words. People are responding to what they're reading in YOUR posts, so any misinterpretation is at least partially due to how you're expressing yourself.

Clearly you *don't* like the situation you're in, at least the aspects involving Letty, or you wouldn't have started this thread to begin with. I'm not sure why you're taking offense to someone stating that.

And you're right, we don't know how well things go when you aren't posting for advice or feedback, because you don't post about those times. Most of us only post when we need help with a negative situation, and that's fine. But getting angry at us for not knowing that things are good sometimes isn't productive or useful...nor is it logical, since as I said, we can't read your mind, only your words that you type here.

As for feeling sympathy or not toward Letty... why do you have to feel ANYTHING toward her? Why are you making her a factor in your thoughts, feelings, and relationship? You could choose not to think about her at all, and to shut down Kit when he brings her up. You don't have a relationship with her. You have one with him. Her marital problems have nothing to do with you, so there's no need for you to sympathize or not. Her marriage isn't a factor in your life unless she's coming to you for advice, in which case tell her not to because you don't want to deal with it.

The hypocrisy is calling me judgemental. What nycindie said was maybe one of the most judgemental things I've ever heard.

So I'm learning! I shouldn't have to feel anything towards her. And I believe a lot of others are right. My partner's rapport with me about her is unnecessary. I came into this conversation thinking that my metamour's lack of respect was the real issue. It's not a great issue to have, but the first issue to tackle is that his relationship with her is not my problem. I've been informed now. I've thanked you folks for that.

One can be harsh and constructive. They are not mutually exclusive. A lot of people on these forums like to comment on what's wrong but not give any constructive feedback. There's been plenty of chastizing me for how I apparently want to have my partner all to myself. How would you like someone speaking to you like that?

I really do appreciate the change in perspective, however. Diagnosing where the real problem is. I'm not afraid to admit my partner needs to be told that his behavior is contributing to this. It's a good reality check.

The comments that attack my choice to be monogamous and furthermore accuse me of wanting my partner to myself are insulting, rude, and unnecessary. Plain and simple.
 
I wrote that whole post to try to avoid replies like this but apparently it's my fault. I guess that's what I get for writing it so late at night?

See, I feel like she's the one who refuses to acknowledge me. She refuses to hear the word "girlfriend."

He brought it up with her in the interest of being transparent with her. Because they have coworkers, for one thing, and didn't want her caught off guard by how he has chosen to refer to me. And honestly? It doesn't matter to me as much as you might think it does. It didn't matter before when I didn't feel like she needed to know the depth of our relationship. But because there's now that aspect - that he's referring to me in a way she didn't expect him to - *I* am seeing the results of her discomfort with it.

Would this have been easier for you to understand had I said, my metamour refuses to acknowledge what our shared lover decides to call me?

Do the same thing to her then. Don't acknowledge her as girlfriend. View her as some other women your man is lending his dick to for charity lol.
 
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