open or poly?

Heh; you've picked the two-most-often-recommended books. I've read both. They're two very different styles of introducing poly concepts, so it's kind of a good idea to read both. Will be curious to hear which of the two you like best (if you have a favorite).

Are you still worried about the possible reactions your wife may have to another woman coming into your life? Is she strong in the communication area, or does she perhaps have a fear of conflict or confrontation or just doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Do you want an NSA relationship? How do you feel about that?
 
Heh; you've picked the two-most-often-recommended books. I've read both. They're two very different styles of introducing poly concepts, so it's kind of a good idea to read both. Will be curious to hear which of the two you like best (if you have a favorite).

Are you still worried about the possible reactions your wife may have to another woman coming into your life? Is she strong in the communication area, or does she perhaps have a fear of conflict or confrontation or just doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Do you want an NSA relationship? How do you feel about that?

My wife (Perlina) is passive aggressive... She will avoid a conflict at all cost...

She doesn't want me to fall in love and divorce her...She would be happier if I had a NSA relationship...no emotions or feelings ...

I know my wife sees us as for friends than lovers. She even told me that several times... She doesn't want to talk about our open marriage anymore...she has already given me the green light...So its up to me now...

I am a very healthy, active, muscular, decent looking man....Most women tell me I am easy to talk to.... a NSA relationship will be easier than poly for now...My wife doesn't want to know the details...I don't think she does....
 
A NSA relationship can be hard to arrange. Some people, swinger types, manage it by going to clubs where everyone is on board with sex only, friendships kept to a minimum. Some people avoid kissing as that can trigger hormones to make you feel like you are falling in love.

It seems like you want friendship/romantic attachment AND sex. Be honest with yourself. You want affection, good talks. Not just wham bam thank you ma'am. Do yourself a favor and go slowly until you work out your actual goals. If you did fall in love with another woman, and she with you, and your wife reacted badly, and you broke up with the other woman to stop hurting your wife, you'll be hurt, your new gf would be hurt, and your wife wouldn't stop hurting just because you stopped seeing the other woman.

Your wife is not really a good candidate for being the wife of a poly man. She's terrible at communicating, and complete transparency is a requirement for successful joyous polyamory. My ex h was passive aggressive. UGH.

Wife may find the idea of you having sex with others stimulating, for now, as a fantasy. However, it seems to me she's a candidate for extreme jealousy and depression once you find the right woman to form a new relationship with, unless your (plural) communication skills improve.

You both also have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage counselor can do to help.
 
A NSA relationship can be hard to arrange. Some people, swinger types, manage it by going to clubs where everyone is on board with sex only, friendships kept to a minimum. Some people avoid kissing as that can trigger hormones to make you feel like you are falling in love.

It seems like you want friendship/romantic attachment AND sex. Be honest with yourself. You want affection, good talks. Not just wham bam thank you ma'am. Do yourself a favor and go slowly until you work out your actual goals. If you did fall in love with another woman, and she with you, and your wife reacted badly, and you broke up with the other woman to stop hurting your wife, you'll be hurt, your new gf would be hurt, and your wife wouldn't stop hurting just because you stopped seeing the other woman.

Your wife is not really a good candidate for being the wife of a poly man. She's terrible at communicating, and complete transparency is a requirement for successful joyous polyamory. My ex h was passive aggressive. UGH.

Wife may find the idea of you having sex with others stimulating, for now, as a fantasy. However, it seems to me she's a candidate for extreme jealousy and depression once you find the right woman to form a new relationship with, unless your (plural) communication skills improve.

You both also have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage counselor can do to help.

I do understand this. It would be hard to separate sex and emotions....I would be the type to "think" I was in love...I do know it would be the NRE...that's it...

My wife never wanted to communicate her feeling out of fear that we would Divorce...We recently started having more sex (as of three years ago) As long as it's not too often, she is fine. She is afraid of me leaving...Now with an open marriage, it may be out of fear of me leaving...I communicated that I won't leave her, she is my life long partner...

Many many years back, before we married, we separated. After 6 months,she came back..Not because she finally realized she was in love with me, but because she wanted the companionship, friendship back...We both terribly missed the other...It was never about sex...Then we got married because that's what I wanted and e entually had a child, because that's what I wanted...Believe me...I am nothing all that great...I have no idea what she sees in me. All I can say is that we really are good friends and we both want to make the other happy...I think we both put each others needs before our own needs...That why we have 22 years together...

So , you're right, I do want the emotional, love connection....This open relationship scares the heck out of me...I haven't had sex with anybody else in 23 years...I feel like a virgin all over again...

My wife seems OK with me having sex with other women...I have to be selective because when that does happen, I think my wife will not want sex anymore... She doesn't even know if she would still want sex with me...

We won't know how we will feel until it happens..
 
One additional possibility..

I told a colleague about our open marriage.. A woman (Angelina)I have known several years...For some reason, she hasn't told anybody that she has been Divorced for three years...I have no idea why she has done this...She is a mother of 3 kids. The ex huband was her second marriage that lasted 5 months...

She wants a relationship without bringing the man into her children's life...Just happened yesterday... I told my wife already.... She seemed OK with the possibility....
 
I wonder if it wouldn't be possible for you to fall in love with another person, and still want to maintain your marriage with your wife. Does that sound like a possibility? Could your wife see it as a possibility?

Sounds promising with Angelina, I hope something works out there.
 
My talk was cut short with Angelina...I had a client...

I am excited now knowing that she isn't married...I just don't understand why they/he wants everybody to believe they are still married...its been three years.

I've been telling her about some of the women on my hikes...Then when I told her about my open marriage, she seemed to be all over that...

Angelina doesn't seem to want a man to move in with her...She seems to want some lovin...She is Avery cute firey Latina woman and very fit...

My wife is my life partner, that won't change.

Will I fall in love? Who knows... The sparks have ignited though..

I did tell my wife already... A very Valiumistic response...
 
By Valiumistic I take it you mean, "having the properties of Valium," that is, soothing, tranquil, reducing anxiety (or smoothing things over). Any guess as to what her real (internal) reaction is? I know she doesn't like to make waves.
 
I just don't understand why they/he wants everybody to believe they are still married...its been three years.

My ex did that, and it gets a bit annoying when I find myself still telling people (who are surprised!) that no, we've been divorced now for over two years.

Not sure why, except maybe he doesn't feel like there's been a good way/time to bring it up in conversation? My ex doesn't really like to talk with people, so telling them something that would just invite more conversation would probably be more trouble than it's worth for him. I just keep telling people when they say "I saw your husband at..." and let it dribble on out over the grapevine from there. We are fairly civil/friendly to each other (and I still get along well with his family), so it does add to the illusion, I guess, when we're at the kids' school functions and the like.

Ah well. The news does get out eventually, although there'll be one or two stragglers who'll be surprised years down the road, I'm sure.
 
By Valiumistic I take it you mean, "having the properties of Valium," that is, soothing, tranquil, reducing anxiety (or smoothing things over). Any guess as to what her real (internal) reaction is? I know she doesn't like to make waves.

Rodney Dangerfield once said in one of his comedy acts that his wife was so passive that he thought he was married to Valium...That's my wife in many ways....
 
I met Angelina and her ex at the same time...I met them at a fundraiser event...I've seen them both together at most events... I have been sub leasing an office for my business for about six months now...Angelina is There as well for her own business. The Ex has another location he works out of most of the time...I see him on occasion... Great guy... Easy going, laid back..

Perlina- my wife knows them both as well...Perlina has been with me at these events too...

They were married about 5 months or so before she kicked him out...She has 3 young girls and he smokes weed...Still he a good guy, very professional, successful, hard working...

She said that she just sees him as a friend.. She can really relate to what I was telling her...
 
Re (from Smiles):
"Valiumistic? I guess it's my new word ..."

So it would seem. ;) So, what do you want to do with this Valiumistic personality you've encountered in Perlina? Will you trust her words at face value and just cope with the fallout when the lid blows off the pressure cooker? Will you try to explain to her that it's okay to hurt your feelings in order to get the truth out on the table before the pressure builds up? Have you had those sorts of conversations in the past? Does she want to try to start tempering the passiveness with a little more forthrightness, or is she determined to keep smoothing things over as long as she can stand to? and if the latter be the case, how do you cope with that now, and do you plan to just continue to cope that way, because what else can you do if she doesn't want to change?

I don't think we'll know how an open and/or poly arrangement will affect her mood and behavior until it's been tried. If you can't count on her to admit to you that the pressure's building, then you'll have to wait for the lid to blow off and then conclude by experience that the pressure was building. You can always guess in the meantime. How stressful do you think this poly/open stuff is for her so far? How stressful do you think it will be in the future, especially when you start acquiring real-live girlfriends? These aren't rhetorical questions; you know her far better than anyone else here.
 
Over the last several months Perlina and I have had many conversations about us...I don't feel we ever had that in love feeling. When my wife finally admitted that, I was a little hurt...Maybe a lot hurt...I am way OK now...We made it through that...

I always thought that our love would grow stronger and eventually we would have mutually satisfying sex...I feel she just complied with sex as long as it wasn't too much...That's just the way it is...

We still have a life together, we still do everything as a family, we still can talk about anything without it turning into a fight, and Perlina and I are best friends...

I have no idea if I can have sex without an emotional connection...

Way back when I was in the military, I had a stripper gf...she wasn't a stripper when I met her though...I went away for 6 months and came back and went to a strip club near the military bade and there she was...She rocked my world back then...I almostvthought I loved her.


As far as Perlina, from what she tells me, from the things she doesn't say, is that it is wrong to have sex with somebody without feeling love first.... She feels love should come first...That's coming from a woman who was still a virgin at 25 and me who waited over a year to prove I was going to stay...

I think she is wondering what is taking me so long to hook up...kind of like all talk and no action...she doesn't want to talk about it anymore....

So yes... I have to "just do it" and let the chips fall where they may...
 
Well, it seems that you guys have weathered many things together in the past; maybe this change into an open/poly life is something you can weather together too. You can always take it slow and check in with Perlina often to see how she's doing with it, right?
 
You say Perlina is PA, maybe you are too. You both put the others' needs first, and seem to think this is a good thing and the key to your longevity.

Personally I think extreme "unselfishness" masks a need to be liked or loved, when one is lacking self-love.

Being PA and not showing feelings leads to lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy leads to lack of sex. And if a person has unmet needs, but won't express them for fear of seeming selfish, you can grow resentful when your partner doesn't read your mind and identify and meet your needs when you yourself won't say what they are. UGH. It becomes a destructive habit.
 
You say Perlina is PA, maybe you are too. You both put the others' needs first, and seem to think this is a good thing and the key to your longevity.

Personally I think extreme "unselfishness" masks a need to be liked or loved, when one is lacking self-love.

Being PA and not showing feelings leads to lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy leads to lack of sex. And if a person has unmet needs, but won't express them for fear of seeming selfish, you can grow resentful when your partner doesn't read your mind and identify and meet your needs when you yourself won't say what they are. UGH. It becomes a destructive habit.

Yes, on many levels, we are both Passive Aggressive. Maybe we are both overly accepting.

Does that create resentments? Of course...all that has changed in the past year or so. Mostly from me...


We managed to get through that...

We all have that need to feel loved and desired. Thats human nature. Its a good this as long as we don't sacrifice our own needs, wants and desires.

lack of intimacy, lack of sex, lack of desire? None of that should be forced and should have a natural flow.

This morning, my wife and I were home alone, which doesn't happen all that much...Sex was that last thing on her mind. I am ok with that now... I am about to see Angelina to continue our conversation from Tuesday

I don't have all the answers...I dont even have the questions...

I know a year from now, I will be in a totally different place. I am so different than I was just a few months ago.

No more resentments, no more expectations.
 
Perlina (Wife)

Angelina (colleague and potential love interest)

Estrella (restaurant/pizza place manager who gives me a free Shiner each week while waiting for my order) Just a younger beautiful women with glitter eye shadow which some of the glitter falls on her checks which looks so adorable and I told her so... Fantasy love interest... I can dream some....

I didn't finish the conversation with Angelina today like I wanted...we both were very busy with our own work...just occasional glances and some verbal exchanges...All professional...

I've been reading more of Opening Up...Not at all shocking so far...pretty tame...

What I project happening is Perlina being my non sexual Primary....

since we signed the open marriage contract, sex is less often, but seems better than before when it happens ...I no longer put pressure on my Perlina. She seems happier now...on page 81 in opening up may describe us to a T...We took sex off the table and our marriage has gotten better recently...We still have sex, but I don't feel my Perlina is giving me duty sex like before...

Does that make sense?

I can see us staying together long term like this... I do feel that when I do have a new relationship, sex will definitely be off the table... So I better pick a good sexual poly partner...

I just feel like so much weight has been lifted off me....I've become such a flirt...
 
Last edited:
Back
Top