Poly or monogamous in a poly relationship?

Bella

New member
Well I guess this will be my first official post, well, other than my post in the introductions thread.

I've identified as monogamous for all of my adult life and have only recently begun to really learn about polyamory. I met and fell very deeply in love with a man who has long identified himself as polyamorous. He has been been married for over 10 years and both he and his wife are involved in relationships outside their marriage. I have met his wife and have complete respect and admiration for her and, of course, she is aware of our relationship.

I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him. I will admit that the thought crosses my mind when I am missing him, feeling lonely and wishing we were together or when the green eyed monster crosses my path. But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?
 
You are not alone! :)

Yes, quite a few people do. The "polymono" configuration is not uncommon in poly circles. I am the "poly" part in a polymono relationship, so am fairly familiar with the issues and understand how it can be a bit daunting.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the writings of Franklin Veaux but I think he writes some excellent articles on polyamory in general. In this case he has one called "Polyamory for the Monogamous" and it can be found at http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly_existing.html

He lays out some very good "points to ponder" about the subject, in my opinion. Hope this helps you too!
 
I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him. I will admit that the thought crosses my mind when I am missing him, feeling lonely and wishing we were together or when the green eyed monster crosses my path. But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?

The only time I considered trying poly was early in my relationship. It was not for good reasons though. It would have been used as a tool to desensitize myself to how I look at sex or water down the depth of relationship I have with Redpepper. I am pretty certain that I would not even be on this forum if I had of used that as a coping method. I could see how a mono partner could try poly to distract themselves or even worse, "show them how it feels".

So the question becomes one of what your heart in times of peace tells you. Perhaps you are poly, perhaps you aren't....good luck on your journey of discovery.

Peace and Love
Mono
 
I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him.

Polyamory, at least to me, is a mind-word. I don't know who to explain the concept exactly. My brain doesn't work with "words", it works with concepts, memories, experiences and all that stuff. So when I say "I am thinking about Bella" I'm actually thinking about all of the things that I know about you. All of your posts, your choice in avatars, your signature, how you've related to folks on the forums, et cetera.

Maybe this is a topic for a new thread, but I've learned that not everybody thinks in this interconnected, web of thoughts.

When I "became" poly, it wasn't a grand revelation. It was almost the opposite, a letting go of the confines of everything else I held about relationships.

When I say "I am polyamorous" it means that I don't feel restricted by traditional relationship boundaries and defintions. I would call you polyamorous in my mind because you're open to the possibility of multiple relationships and loving multiple people. Not everyone here would agree with that assessment.

And the cool things, it doesn't matter. You don't need to be poly, or mono, or something else to just "be". You're who you are, and who you relate to, without any defintitions at all.

But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.

Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?

No, but I think I have something similar. I've never thought of myself as "mono". I've always assumed I might meet someoen I loved. What my limit was though, was hurting my wife whom I already was in love with.

Now that I can form relationships without hurting her, I've found some vestiges of my monogamy in me. Like... If I have a "crush" on someone who is in a relationship, I've found that I sometimes hope that they break up. It's a first instinct, like a "this will clear the way for me". I know in many levels that this is wrong. "Break ups" are hard, and it would be hard on someone I love and I don't want that. Also, there's no reason why our relationship can't continue to grow while someone else's is functional, but I still have those moments.

It's why I am thankful for being a logical, as well as emotive, person. The fact that I think something or react instinctively doesn't mean that I need to wish pain upon people. It doesn't mean I need to see good things falter before I can build other good things.

Go forward with love and respect. I don't think you can go wrong there, whatever fleeting feelings you might have now and then.
 
The only time I considered trying poly was early in my relationship. It was not for good reasons though. It would have been used as a tool to desensitize myself to how I look at sex or water down the depth of relationship I have with Redpepper. I am pretty certain that I would not even be on this forum if I had of used that as a coping method. I could see how a mono partner could try poly to distract themselves or even worse, "show them how it feels".

Yeah, immediately after getting involved with a very close friend who is in an open marriage, and being scared that I already loved him too much and that I was going to fall for him really hard and everyone would freak out and it'd be a total trainwreck....So, I started screwing another friend who is a swinger and hot to distract me- and because it just seemed like if both me and her didn't occasionally have sex with some other guy, then we might as well be FLDS. And then as she became more uncomfortable with the involvement, I kept trying harder to find other partners, but it tore me up because I felt like I'd be settling for someone just to make everyone else happy that I had a man of my own....
Then after I'd taken a break from him to give her time to work through things, I met someone cute and nice and fun and in a healthy poly marriage... Which is a good thing, and made everyone happy, but it's not like it doesn't still hurt that it seems she will never be happy with poly.
She said she felt a little less guilty about it when I hooked up with cute poly boy, but that kind of seems like someone feeling less guilty about torturing your eldest child to death because hey, your new baby is healthy!
 
It's interesting how the mind/heart can look for a way to achieve something even if it makes no sense when you look back at it. I would have sealed our fate if I forced myself into that. Instead I held on and found ways to achieve a balance without going against my nature.
 
Thank you!

CielDuMatin, thank you so much for the link to Franklin Veaux's site. I think somewhere in my mind I felt that I had to label myself as poly even when I'm still trying to sort out if I am. The writing you posted definitely did give me a lot of food for thought and made me realize that with all the challenges in my relationship, that we are doing the things we need to in order to make it work as best as it can. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone!

MonoVCPHG, I've definitely struggled with those thoughts. Nights are most difficult, especially after my boyfriend has left and I know that I likely will not see him for a few days. Those are the times when I can sometimes find myself thinking that if I just had someone laying in bed with me, I wouldn't feel so lonely without my boyfriend. And then I realize that it definitely would be for all the wrong reasons and thankfully have never acted on those feelings. Thank you for reminding me to look into my heart in those times when I feel at peace - those tend to be the times when we're together.

DrunkenPorcupine, your post really brings home to me that every relationship needs to be defined by it's own terms and what works for those involved. I think the times when I start to doubt the most or worry the most is when I get hung up on terminology - primary vs. secondary, poly vs. mono. That's definitely something I need to work on as I know it doesn't benefit me, my boyfriend, or our relationship.
 
When I say "I am polyamorous" it means that I don't feel restricted by traditional relationship boundaries and defintions. I would call you polyamorous in my mind because you're open to the possibility of multiple relationships and loving multiple people. Not everyone here would agree with that assessment.

Go forward with love and respect. I don't think you can go wrong there, whatever fleeting feelings you might have now and then.

I think this was an excellent view.
At least on here - I see a lot of good people getting frequently all tangled up in terminology & labels. That often complicates things that should be simpler.
The point is, you've been exposed to a non-traditional way of thinking & living and seen some of it's potential for success. You're simply in a better place for that knowledge. It may or may not open wonderful options for you in life that you would have otherwise missed. Wonderful !
But in the same manner - there's no requirement or expectation for YOU (or there shouldn't be) as Porcupine alluded to. Just be who you are and what feels right to you !
It might also be appropriate here to mention another concept that comes up in discussions occasionally. I think of it as a concept of "fullness". There comes a time for all of us that we are just content with what we have in our life - and maybe some instinct that anything 'more' would start to cast a shadow. That point is different for everyone - and it seems to vary at different points in our lives -which obviously is one reason that conventional relationships CAN be successful. I say possible but much more rare. Many of us find we want that 'extra' in our lives - i.e. that we don't 'fill' quite as easily. And so - here we are :)
You'll find that point for yourself but at least now you are fully aware that should you feel you wish 'more', that is a totally valid & workable option.

GS
 
Bella I am in the exact same place you are talking about with my current partner who is poly. If you ever want to talk message me =)
I consider myself to be in a poly relationship even though i am new to polyamory because my partner is poly and i am open to it, and sometimes wish i could have another partner, but again, I am satisfied with just having one. This place is a great resource, it can be really confusing, I am new to this too and find myself getting tangled up in termonology or questioning if what I feel is right or "normal" but ive come to find anything you feel is in fact normal and you will most likely find people who feel or experience the exact same things you do on here. =)
 
I think this was an excellent view.
At least on here - I see a lot of good people getting frequently all tangled up in terminology & labels. That often complicates things that should be simpler.
The point is, you've been exposed to a non-traditional way of thinking & living and seen some of it's potential for success. You're simply in a better place for that knowledge. It may or may not open wonderful options for you in life that you would have otherwise missed. Wonderful !
But in the same manner - there's no requirement or expectation for YOU (or there shouldn't be) as Porcupine alluded to. Just be who you are and what feels right to you !
It might also be appropriate here to mention another concept that comes up in discussions occasionally. I think of it as a concept of "fullness". There comes a time for all of us that we are just content with what we have in our life - and maybe some instinct that anything 'more' would start to cast a shadow. That point is different for everyone - and it seems to vary at different points in our lives -which obviously is one reason that conventional relationships CAN be successful. I say possible but much more rare. Many of us find we want that 'extra' in our lives - i.e. that we don't 'fill' quite as easily. And so - here we are :)
You'll find that point for yourself but at least now you are fully aware that should you feel you wish 'more', that is a totally valid & workable option.

GS

The more I've thought about this the past couple of days, the more I'm realizing how wrapped up I tend to get in all the labels. I think somewhere in my mind I felt like I had to be or become poly since my boyfriend is. And to some I would be considered his "secondary"; identifying myself that way came with an open invitation for all my insecurities to rise to the surface, sometimes with an amazing amount of force.

I think, going forward, one task I need to set for myself is to not focus on labeling my relationship.

~Bella
 
Bella I am in the exact same place you are talking about with my current partner who is poly. If you ever want to talk message me =)
I consider myself to be in a poly relationship even though i am new to polyamory because my partner is poly and i am open to it, and sometimes wish i could have another partner, but again, I am satisfied with just having one. This place is a great resource, it can be really confusing, I am new to this too and find myself getting tangled up in termonology or questioning if what I feel is right or "normal" but ive come to find anything you feel is in fact normal and you will most likely find people who feel or experience the exact same things you do on here. =)

Yeah, even in the couple of days that I've been posting, I've felt so accepted and "normal". Most of my friends and family do not understand poly at all and are very closed off to even discussing it - for them, it equates cheating and is morally wrong. Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!
 
Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!
To me that is one of the major joys of taking part in poly communities - helping people feel like they're not alone. There are quite a few poly people out there and there are people with whom you can discuss issues and concerns.
 
Yeah, even in the couple of days that I've been posting, I've felt so accepted and "normal". Most of my friends and family do not understand poly at all and are very closed off to even discussing it - for them, it equates cheating and is morally wrong. Finally finding people who understand and won't judge has been wonderful!

my family is the same way. my mom knows about my poly relationship but is cynical about it and says she says it couldnt possibly work out long term. she says have youre fun now but theres not going to be a future with this guy. =\ my dad and the rest of my family do not know anything. :confused:
 
my family is the same way. my mom knows about my poly relationship but is cynical about it and says she says it couldnt possibly work out long term. she says have youre fun now but theres not going to be a future with this guy. =\ my dad and the rest of my family do not know anything. :confused:

A lot of my family doesn't really know about the nature of my relationship, though several have met my boyfriend. The few who do know have started to treat me very differently, to the point where I don't want to be around them, especially if I'm with my boyfriend.

I called one of my closest friends on a night where I was having a rough time, missing my boyfriend a lot, and I was in tears. When I told her about my relationship she said "You need to end it" and wouldn't even talk to me about it anymore. :(
 
I called one of my closest friends on a night where I was having a rough time, missing my boyfriend a lot, and I was in tears. When I told her about my relationship she said "You need to end it" and wouldn't even talk to me about it anymore. :(

Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.
 
Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.

She was in tears, therefore it wasn't perfect, and people seem to assume that any problems mean the entire relationship should end.

I get really annoyed when I vent about the aspects of a relationship that aren't working, and have people assume that the entire relationship is broken and should be thrown out and replaced with a new shiny.
 
Oh, lovely. </sarcasm>

I don't understand this need people have to just toss away something that's otherwise perfectly functional and lovely! I suppose since we've been doing it to our material possessions for years, it follows that now we're inclined to apply the same to our relationship.

I think what hurt the most was that this is a friend I had known since grade school, she was as close to me as a sister, and someone I thought I could open up to about my relationship. All I really wanted was to talk to someone, to help get through a lonely night and was basically cut off because I was honest about my relationship. Our friendship has been very strained since then.

Originally posted by StitchwitchD
She was in tears, therefore it wasn't perfect, and people seem to assume that any problems mean the entire relationship should end.

I get really annoyed when I vent about the aspects of a relationship that aren't working, and have people assume that the entire relationship is broken and should be thrown out and replaced with a new shiny.

It was so hurtful because she just didn't want to hear anymore, not even the positive parts of my relationship which definitely outweigh the harder times. I think, in addition, her own dislike for the polyamory factored into her reaction; she focused on the fact that he's married, not that a friend needed someone to talk to. It felt as if she thought I was asking for her approval when all I needed was someone to listen.
 
{{{{{{{{{{{Bella}}}}}}}}}}

I always end up with an uneven number of arms on either side of the hug. Just so you know. <3

I hang around on "straight people" boards, too, not just polyamory.com. ;) They judge cheaters and the people who help them cheat pretty harshly, but a few of us are non-monogamous by nature, so we've been teaching them the difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating. Mostly it has to do with the "ethical" part, which I'm guessing your friend isn't understanding too well right now.

What's important is that you aren't letting her dictate your values. I'm proud of you for that. I've been there; I've lost friends who thought I was hell-bound in some way or another. Those same people accused me of some nasty things in a very public place. (Those same people, ironically, spent high school getting drunk all the time, but God loves a boozer better than a queer!)

If it helps, we're here next time you have a lonely night. Stay strong and don't forget that your username means "beautiful", 'kay?
 
{{{{{{{{{{{Bella}}}}}}}}}}

I always end up with an uneven number of arms on either side of the hug. Just so you know. <3

I hang around on "straight people" boards, too, not just polyamory.com. ;) They judge cheaters and the people who help them cheat pretty harshly, but a few of us are non-monogamous by nature, so we've been teaching them the difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating. Mostly it has to do with the "ethical" part, which I'm guessing your friend isn't understanding too well right now.

What's important is that you aren't letting her dictate your values. I'm proud of you for that. I've been there; I've lost friends who thought I was hell-bound in some way or another. Those same people accused me of some nasty things in a very public place. (Those same people, ironically, spent high school getting drunk all the time, but God loves a boozer better than a queer!)

If it helps, we're here next time you have a lonely night. Stay strong and don't forget that your username means "beautiful", 'kay?

Ah, hugs are always appreciated - even the lopsided one :) And thank you for your message (((lovefromgirl)))

It's interesting that I should be in the relationship I'm in at this point in my life. I think most people spend their teens and twenties searching for who they are and I definitely did a lot of that during those time periods in my life. But I also spent a lot of time around family and friends who seem to be very comfortable in living the way that they always have. Of course there's nothing wrong with that and if makes them happy, I wish them the best. But I feel like I've changed so much, that I want to truly live life and welcome change rather than fear it. The true realization of that really didn't hit me until I met my boyfriend, right as I was about to turn 30.

I was raised very traditionally, went to Catholic school through high school and basically hung out with the same friends through grade school. I live in the same town I lived in when I grew up. I look at those friends and they're all following the same path, they've all followed what we were all taught we we were supposed to do. And I followed that same path for so long but then just couldn't do it anymore. I think my leaving that path, my being in a relationship that challenges everything they've been taught, is disappointing to them. But I just can't live my life according to their rules anymore.

It's sad that this will mean that most of those relationships will become strained but I can't help but look forward to all that I will gain.
 
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