PolyWog here, but jumping right in

GreatView

New member
I'm a learn-by-doing sort, so here I go ... learning how to communicate with you folks on this forum (hope I don't say anything too noobish ;) )

Quick background: Been with current partner for 3 years and we have agreed from the get-go that our ideas about ethical non-monogamy were very in synch - lots and Lots and LOTS of conversation about the hypothetical and real. In the past couple of months she has started her first "actual" relationship with another partner. I have yet to do so. So far, so good - I've met him, he's a very pleasant guy, and I believe she will honor and protect herself if my assessment of him is somehow off.

My biggest sticking point so far has been her seeming reluctance to accept the development of this new relationship from the beginning and the possibilities of what may develop into the future. I worry that her (reluctance? inability? refusal?) to acknowledge what's going on hinders clarity when discussing the subject.

Some examples: She pooh-poohed what, to me, were incredibly obvious signs that her new man was crushing on her hard, and that her attraction to him was no secret. She squirmed when I called their first date a "date"... plans for dinner & movie, which turned into short meal, skip movie and lots of making out at his place. They've been on a few other dates since, all of which have been longer time chunks. Recently I have asked her what she might say if he asked her to spend the night at his place - initially the very thought of it was dismissed, but I persisted so that I could discuss what I strongly believe is the next obvious thing.

I trust this woman, I love this woman, I'm very glad to see her make a valuable connection to a new friend who has qualities much different than my own that she enjoys.

Is it common for the first partner out of the gate in a poly relationship to hedge their bets like this? Could it be an unconscious attempt to save me from hurt feelings some how? Yes, there have been some emotionally challenging moments for us along this path, but I think we've managed them with grace and mutual respect.

Opinions, ideas, suggestions on what I can do to make it OK for her to let go of the rationalizing away of what is and what might be?
 
She may just be uncomfortable discussing details with you. I know I try to be vague sometimes with my guys - they don't need to know that I spent the night making out with the other! I think it's important that you both have a plan in place for safe sex and she needs an exit strategy if things go wrong, but other than that, you shouldn't be too involved in her other relationship.

I recommend the book More Than Two - read it together and answer the questions at the end of each chapter individually, then get together and talk about it. That should help a great deal with fostering "what if" discussions.
 
She may just be uncomfortable discussing details with you. I know I try to be vague sometimes with my guys - they don't need to know that I spent the night making out with the other! I think it's important that you both have a plan in place for safe sex and she needs an exit strategy if things go wrong, but other than that, you shouldn't be too involved in her other relationship.

I'm not sure the sharing of details (which I don't ask for or require in any way) is where the dissonance lies, but rather the space beforehand where there is a significant difference between what the partners are seeing ... i.e., I'm calling it a date (because everything about it sure looks like a date to me) and she's saying noooooo, it's not a date. It doesn't offend me, just confuses me - when we do talk about it, it feels like we're not on the same page. My strategy thus far has been to let her call it whatever she's comfortable calling it, but this pattern has emerged that is disconcerting.

I recommend the book More Than Two - read it together and answer the questions at the end of each chapter individually, then get together and talk about it. That should help a great deal with fostering "what if" discussions.

Ever since we got together I have immersed myself in reading about non-traditional relationship structures, and Franklin's stuff has been a great source for me. I would recommend that book to anybody, poly or not.
 
Re (from GreatView):
"Opinions, ideas, suggestions on what I can do to make it okay for her to let go of the rationalizing away of what is and what might be?"

All I can think of is, reassure her that you're okay with what's going on and she doesn't need to "soften the blow" for your sake. Oh and you could ask her why she's doing it, maybe there's another reason that I haven't thought of.

It may come down to respecting the vocabulary she wants to use, even if it clashes with your preference. She may dig her heels in if you push too much or nag. So be careful about that.
 
it feels like we're not on the same page.

That seems plain enough to me. It is reasonable considering that you two are coming from different comfort levels and most likely points of view on romantic intimacy with multiple people simultaneously.

What I would say is, focus on what you are doing and let her be. You're excited, that's cool, be excited, but it doesn't seem like she is the person best designed to embrace that with you at the moment - right?

It's clear that you just want to share this experience with her and I think that's great. Just don't forget that you are two different people, on two different paths, who happen to be close enough at this moment to have some of the same scenery.
 
It's clear that you just want to share this experience with her and I think that's great. Just don't forget that you are two different people, on two different paths, who happen to be close enough at this moment to have some of the same scenery.

This is a brilliant perspective for every person in a relationship, no matter that relationship structure. We often assume that because we are close, we can see our beloved's best course, but it's never for us to really know. Step back and allow your partner to have her own adventure, for this is what relationships are all about. We all learn best by doing.
 
I am responding to this from the perspective of the person is is unwilling to (in my view) prematurely label a meeting with a friend a "date", or a few dates a "relationship" or an affectionate feeling "love".

I am also MUCH more comfortable talking about what IS - and not worrying/planning for "what-ifs" other than in a general sense. So to ask, "how would you react if he asked for an overnight?" is more of a theoretical question. I don't know how I would react - it hasn't happened yet. I may suspect that I will react a certain way...but maybe not. But if I say "I think that I would be flattered but that it too soon for us to take that step." and then I decide to spend the night because in that moment I wanted to and you had said it was OK with you and then later you say "BUT, YOU SAID..." Blech. (YES, some of us overthink things :D)

Some of us (me perhaps to a much greater degree than most) are very very reluctant to use terminology that is "understood" by society to mean certain things. (Oh, you are "dating" him, so you are not seeing anyone else, right?) People associate a lot of baggage with certain words that don't necessarily apply to me or how I view relationships/love. Poly complicates that a bit further because sometimes people mean to use a particular word in the usual sense just with "exclusivity" dropped - but that is problematic, you don't know which parts they are keeping and which they are changing.

So...to be on the "same page" you really need to discuss things on a case-by-case basis anyway.


...

My biggest sticking point so far has been her seeming reluctance to accept the development of this new relationship from the beginning and the possibilities of what may develop into the future. I worry that her (reluctance? inability? refusal?) to acknowledge what's going on hinders clarity when discussing the subject.

...

Is it common for the first partner out of the gate in a poly relationship to hedge their bets like this? Could it be an unconscious attempt to save me from hurt feelings some how? Yes, there have been some emotionally challenging moments for us along this path, but I think we've managed them with grace and mutual respect.

Opinions, ideas, suggestions on what I can do to make it OK for her to let go of the rationalizing away of what is and what might be?

This rationalizing away may be a personality trait (it is for me) - if I rationalize it away and still progresses, it must be "real". BUT, when I got together with Dude - MrS and I had a conversation: he wanted to know whether I was open to all the possibilities of a full relationship* to happen with Dude, knowing that we can never predict how a relationship will proceed, was that, at least, on the table? (Which may seem strange coming from the non-poly partner, but basically - if we were doing this, if we were going to make this work, he needed to know that that this wasn't JUST about some frivolous lark, but held the potential for long-term success or it wouldn't be worth it to HIM.) (*full relationship = everything: mingling futures and finances, cohabitation, even children should we come to that decision = no holds barred)

I'm not sure the sharing of details (which I don't ask for or require in any way) is where the dissonance lies, but rather the space beforehand where there is a significant difference between what the partners are seeing ... i.e., I'm calling it a date (because everything about it sure looks like a date to me) and she's saying noooooo, it's not a date. It doesn't offend me, just confuses me - when we do talk about it, it feels like we're not on the same page. My strategy thus far has been to let her call it whatever she's comfortable calling it, but this pattern has emerged that is disconcerting. ...


Here's a post I made about telling Dude I Loved him for the first time - after we had been together for 9 months (him living with us the whole time) to give some perspective from that angle:http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21834
 
Last edited:
I appreciate the varied perspectives that all of you have offered up - lots to chew on for me.

As to the member offended by my thread title - well, since I acted in good faith, have already apologized and offered an explanation, it's a non-issue for me going forward. I hope it wont hinder our potential interactions in the future.

:)
 
Back
Top