I'm a learn-by-doing sort, so here I go ... learning how to communicate with you folks on this forum (hope I don't say anything too noobish )
Quick background: Been with current partner for 3 years and we have agreed from the get-go that our ideas about ethical non-monogamy were very in synch - lots and Lots and LOTS of conversation about the hypothetical and real. In the past couple of months she has started her first "actual" relationship with another partner. I have yet to do so. So far, so good - I've met him, he's a very pleasant guy, and I believe she will honor and protect herself if my assessment of him is somehow off.
My biggest sticking point so far has been her seeming reluctance to accept the development of this new relationship from the beginning and the possibilities of what may develop into the future. I worry that her (reluctance? inability? refusal?) to acknowledge what's going on hinders clarity when discussing the subject.
Some examples: She pooh-poohed what, to me, were incredibly obvious signs that her new man was crushing on her hard, and that her attraction to him was no secret. She squirmed when I called their first date a "date"... plans for dinner & movie, which turned into short meal, skip movie and lots of making out at his place. They've been on a few other dates since, all of which have been longer time chunks. Recently I have asked her what she might say if he asked her to spend the night at his place - initially the very thought of it was dismissed, but I persisted so that I could discuss what I strongly believe is the next obvious thing.
I trust this woman, I love this woman, I'm very glad to see her make a valuable connection to a new friend who has qualities much different than my own that she enjoys.
Is it common for the first partner out of the gate in a poly relationship to hedge their bets like this? Could it be an unconscious attempt to save me from hurt feelings some how? Yes, there have been some emotionally challenging moments for us along this path, but I think we've managed them with grace and mutual respect.
Opinions, ideas, suggestions on what I can do to make it OK for her to let go of the rationalizing away of what is and what might be?
Quick background: Been with current partner for 3 years and we have agreed from the get-go that our ideas about ethical non-monogamy were very in synch - lots and Lots and LOTS of conversation about the hypothetical and real. In the past couple of months she has started her first "actual" relationship with another partner. I have yet to do so. So far, so good - I've met him, he's a very pleasant guy, and I believe she will honor and protect herself if my assessment of him is somehow off.
My biggest sticking point so far has been her seeming reluctance to accept the development of this new relationship from the beginning and the possibilities of what may develop into the future. I worry that her (reluctance? inability? refusal?) to acknowledge what's going on hinders clarity when discussing the subject.
Some examples: She pooh-poohed what, to me, were incredibly obvious signs that her new man was crushing on her hard, and that her attraction to him was no secret. She squirmed when I called their first date a "date"... plans for dinner & movie, which turned into short meal, skip movie and lots of making out at his place. They've been on a few other dates since, all of which have been longer time chunks. Recently I have asked her what she might say if he asked her to spend the night at his place - initially the very thought of it was dismissed, but I persisted so that I could discuss what I strongly believe is the next obvious thing.
I trust this woman, I love this woman, I'm very glad to see her make a valuable connection to a new friend who has qualities much different than my own that she enjoys.
Is it common for the first partner out of the gate in a poly relationship to hedge their bets like this? Could it be an unconscious attempt to save me from hurt feelings some how? Yes, there have been some emotionally challenging moments for us along this path, but I think we've managed them with grace and mutual respect.
Opinions, ideas, suggestions on what I can do to make it OK for her to let go of the rationalizing away of what is and what might be?