Love is the understanding that whatever stupid thing I can do at times, the frustrations that build, I always end up in Jewells arms. She still pulls me in and almost suffocates me with her arms around me. Lover has relaxed fully letting me see how much in love with me he is. It has momentarily frightened me. I am always redefining what I learned about love. I have been raised around a love that was selfish, and angry. A love that was a tool for money. A love that was there as a trap to use, and abuse. I was raised with a love that was bruises, and putdowns.
My mom I just found out did something very cruel. She bagged out on her partner. Left her with no money in a camping spot. My mom got money from her mom, who spoils her rotten, and bagged. I am trying to get her partner up here, I will call her Ms. Broken if she does come up here. I want to give her a helping hand. A barter, for a wonderful carpentry talent she has.
That is why I am redefining love. I hated what I seen, and what I am trying to heal. Love is alive it is constantly moving flowing. Sometimes the waves throw me off, and scare me as I am thrust under. I do love the rush as it consumes me. As it fills my ears, and nostrils. I know I am a naked baby at its mercy.
For 8 years, since the day I met her; Its been Jewell and I. We have been the rock for so many people. We have been the rock for each other. There is a love there that I cannot even describe, more than unconditional.
I have come to believe that time may be more circular than liner. When I first met her I swear it was more of me having the feeling of "There you are; how I've missed you." I took my time getting her number, letting her anywhere near me with the "L" word. We are both wild, playful, and madly in love with nature. She was always her, and I always me. We never hid anything. We lived nose to nose just being. Being our best, and our worst.
Last year at this time began both of our worsts. I had to get an emergency removal of my Paragaurd. My Zoloft began to cause even worse panic attacks, and I nose dived hard into depression. She hid in a pain pill addiction. Her sex drive died, and I took it personally that she didn't want me. I didn't want her, and even plotted to kick her off the land a few times. Lover wasn't seeing this just yet. He was in a depression himself. I didn't make mention until late Nov. about anything to Lover. I called him one drunken night, long story. If we were going to cut the cords the scissors came the closest last year.
Sometimes I still don't know. I don’t think anyone does. All I know is when I am asleep sometimes Jewell will pick me up and cuddle me like a long lost friend. Sometimes when she is asleep I will wrap my arm around her like a cloak of protection.
I wrote this post last week sometime. With time restraints and internet outages I never managed to put it up. She really has been a great cloak of comfort, and protection for me now.
Last week it was quite apparent that Lover was very crabby. He came over to hang out with me, but didn't want me kissing, or touching. The only reason I got frisky is because Jewell and The Dew were away. I know to respect Jewell and I's space so I would never pass 2nd base with him. I managed to look past it all and asked him meekly if I could spend the night.
He didn't mind it, and took me home with him. We had a lovely Saturday, night that folded itself nicely into a lazy Sunday morning. I didn't put on a stitch of clothing for the night and morning I was with him. It was warm, and healing to be naked. I wish it was that way now, but its not.
Lover has taken a spiral downward into depression. This is our third time seeing it. Sep-Oct he flips. He started taking it out on Jewell in small increments. It was building everyday. On Tuesday we borrowed his truck and trailer. Jewell, the kids, and I went to the bigger city for lumber. We got home late, did all of our chores and unloaded all of the wood. I tucked the kids into bed and headed over to his place. It was 11:30, but I did bring it back the same day. I was wore out and wanted to stay the night.
He tore into me about this and that. I could take it so I grabbed my purse and turned to leave. He got up and held me and coxed me back into the chair. Before I knew it he was tearing into me about another really sensitive topic. I had it and left slamming the door. It was 1am when I got home. Jewell had come out for a momentary gaze at the stars when she heard me coming.
She didn't judge me; say I told you so; or even ask. She just held me all night long. As Lover continues to be a bear, and life not much easier right now she continues to hold me, and I hold her. She told me she wants to be friends with him again and hopes he will pull out of it. I don't want to lose him, and yet I want to give him space.
I have been really tore up about it. I feel weird expressing it here at home, so I have been keeping it all to myself. I know I seem depressed. I am hurting. I am lost, and lonely. He hasn't called in days.