17642990gk294
Member
Hello everyone!
This is my first post and I am new to really all of this so please bear with me!
The setup:
A few month ago I met my partner A. A is polyamorous and has been in a long term 5 year relationship with B, who is living about two hours from where we live. They have decided to open up their relationship about a year ago and since then B has found a partner called C, who is living in the same town she is. We are all equals and there is supposed to be no primary/secondary/...
The story:
A and I got along immediately and while I was thinking it would stay casual, he fell really hard and fast and (while it took me a little longer to acknowledge my feelings) we ended up beginning a serious relationship quite quickly. I knew from the start that A was polyamorous, I embraced the experience and for a while it was amazingly empowering: I had a partner who chose to be with me, not because of sex or because he felt like he needed me, but simply just because he wanted me; I felt empowered by discovering that I harbored no jealousy and didn’t consider B a threat to my relationship and it was rewarding to see A trust me enough not let me go out to party or do whatever I wanted with other people without feeling jealous – I have danced with and kissed a few strangers at a club and it was fun, but so far I’m not experiencing any desire to date or find another partner.
The issue:
The problems started when As partner B started to push to meet me. I – at this point – spent very little time thinking about her and felt no need or curiosity to meet her. As it was visibly important to A to respect his partners wishes, I agreed to meet B the next time she came to visit him. We met at a café and I was surprised to find her to be a pleasant and friendly person – she seemed less insecure and more down to earth than A had described her, which helped me a lot: I am a very outgoing and confident person and have a hard time connecting with overly shy and unconfident people.
After a good hour of chat I left to get back to university and she left, as I thought to go back to As place, where she always stays when she visits. About an hour later I got a worried text from A informing me that B had not returned yet but instead ran off without telling anyone where to – after that first fit, everything went downhill. While it must have been mainly miscommunication in expectation (she must have somehow expected us to have this sister-like bond right away, while I was very content with the polite small talk happening) everything that happened after has tainted the good first impression I had, made her niceness seem fake and slowly is making me dislike her. In my mind, she is slowly turning into this insecure, needy, socially awkward and dependent teenager, which I logically know she probably is not, but I can’t help picturing her to be.
And while I’m still not jealous in the traditions I-am-afraid-he-will-like-her-better-way, I am struggling with negative emotions toward her. I can’t see what he sees in her, I find myself increasingly annoyed when he shares even little information about her or angry at him for leaving on the weekends to see her. I’ll now say the cruel and mean thing you are not supposed to say; my kind of jealousy is more of a I-am-so-much-better-why-would-he-waste-his-time-with-her-when-he-could-be-with-me?…
I have found no information on how to handel this kind of jealousy in any self-help forum so far.
The main cure everyone prescribes to jealousy seems to be to focus on your self-esteem and self-worth and remind yourself that the other person is making your partner happy. That doesn’t work for me: I am confident, I am intelligent and beautiful and happy and have a fulfilled, successful private and professional life which I love! Meanwhile B seems to only bring struggles and childish drama to the table…
This is threatening both my relationship and self-perception. I was very positive and confident that polyamory could work for me not just as an “experiment” but as a long term relationship setup. But now I can’t see any long-term future for me and A that involves me and B sharing more than an occasional coffee – and I don’t want a relationship that just consists of me and my partner sharing a few hurried moments; I do want commitment, a perspective of a life together, maybe of a family. I am at the point where I have even considered ending the relationship in order not to waste either As or my time and energy on trying to solve this, if in the end I can’t come to terms with her.
I have tried talking to A about this, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m asking him to leave her or choose (It has hurt me a lot because of course his 5-year-realtionship with her is characterized by another depth and he has ‘slipped up’ and pointed this out in a way that might imply a certain priority on her side). I have tried to force myself to like her, to create a positive image, remind myself that I actually did like her in the start and be empathic to her struggles… I’m just failing at it and I don’t know what to do anymore? I even thought about trying to meet her again, but I can feel every cell of my body cringing and withdrawing at the idea and I fear the outcome might be even worse if I meet her with this bias. I just don’t know how to shake it.
Has anyone been in a similar position or has some general advice?
This is my first post and I am new to really all of this so please bear with me!
The setup:
A few month ago I met my partner A. A is polyamorous and has been in a long term 5 year relationship with B, who is living about two hours from where we live. They have decided to open up their relationship about a year ago and since then B has found a partner called C, who is living in the same town she is. We are all equals and there is supposed to be no primary/secondary/...
The story:
A and I got along immediately and while I was thinking it would stay casual, he fell really hard and fast and (while it took me a little longer to acknowledge my feelings) we ended up beginning a serious relationship quite quickly. I knew from the start that A was polyamorous, I embraced the experience and for a while it was amazingly empowering: I had a partner who chose to be with me, not because of sex or because he felt like he needed me, but simply just because he wanted me; I felt empowered by discovering that I harbored no jealousy and didn’t consider B a threat to my relationship and it was rewarding to see A trust me enough not let me go out to party or do whatever I wanted with other people without feeling jealous – I have danced with and kissed a few strangers at a club and it was fun, but so far I’m not experiencing any desire to date or find another partner.
The issue:
The problems started when As partner B started to push to meet me. I – at this point – spent very little time thinking about her and felt no need or curiosity to meet her. As it was visibly important to A to respect his partners wishes, I agreed to meet B the next time she came to visit him. We met at a café and I was surprised to find her to be a pleasant and friendly person – she seemed less insecure and more down to earth than A had described her, which helped me a lot: I am a very outgoing and confident person and have a hard time connecting with overly shy and unconfident people.
After a good hour of chat I left to get back to university and she left, as I thought to go back to As place, where she always stays when she visits. About an hour later I got a worried text from A informing me that B had not returned yet but instead ran off without telling anyone where to – after that first fit, everything went downhill. While it must have been mainly miscommunication in expectation (she must have somehow expected us to have this sister-like bond right away, while I was very content with the polite small talk happening) everything that happened after has tainted the good first impression I had, made her niceness seem fake and slowly is making me dislike her. In my mind, she is slowly turning into this insecure, needy, socially awkward and dependent teenager, which I logically know she probably is not, but I can’t help picturing her to be.
And while I’m still not jealous in the traditions I-am-afraid-he-will-like-her-better-way, I am struggling with negative emotions toward her. I can’t see what he sees in her, I find myself increasingly annoyed when he shares even little information about her or angry at him for leaving on the weekends to see her. I’ll now say the cruel and mean thing you are not supposed to say; my kind of jealousy is more of a I-am-so-much-better-why-would-he-waste-his-time-with-her-when-he-could-be-with-me?…
I have found no information on how to handel this kind of jealousy in any self-help forum so far.
The main cure everyone prescribes to jealousy seems to be to focus on your self-esteem and self-worth and remind yourself that the other person is making your partner happy. That doesn’t work for me: I am confident, I am intelligent and beautiful and happy and have a fulfilled, successful private and professional life which I love! Meanwhile B seems to only bring struggles and childish drama to the table…
This is threatening both my relationship and self-perception. I was very positive and confident that polyamory could work for me not just as an “experiment” but as a long term relationship setup. But now I can’t see any long-term future for me and A that involves me and B sharing more than an occasional coffee – and I don’t want a relationship that just consists of me and my partner sharing a few hurried moments; I do want commitment, a perspective of a life together, maybe of a family. I am at the point where I have even considered ending the relationship in order not to waste either As or my time and energy on trying to solve this, if in the end I can’t come to terms with her.
I have tried talking to A about this, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m asking him to leave her or choose (It has hurt me a lot because of course his 5-year-realtionship with her is characterized by another depth and he has ‘slipped up’ and pointed this out in a way that might imply a certain priority on her side). I have tried to force myself to like her, to create a positive image, remind myself that I actually did like her in the start and be empathic to her struggles… I’m just failing at it and I don’t know what to do anymore? I even thought about trying to meet her again, but I can feel every cell of my body cringing and withdrawing at the idea and I fear the outcome might be even worse if I meet her with this bias. I just don’t know how to shake it.
Has anyone been in a similar position or has some general advice?