[continued from above]
Re:
"He thinks that I support this, but I don't. I do own him. And the fact that he hasn't left me yet already really proves that. But I know that it can't continue indefinitely."
Well, if that's true, then that's a sad state of affairs. It seems like sooner or later, you'll have to tell him: "Look, I can't do this. I need you to either leave this woman and be monogamous with me, or break up with me." On the other hand, if you never tell him that, and he believes it's okay to continue on like things are indefinitely, then you will have a life sentence as a very unhappy person. Are you sure that's the outcome you would prefer? I know you would prefer that he just dump her spontaneously, but I have a feeling that's an outcome that just isn't going to happen.
It's possible (not guaranteed, but conceivable) that you have more ability to live with this poly stuff than you believe you can. But I don't know if it's healthy to hide your feelings, pretending like the opposite is how you feel. I would suggest, not going on the attack per se, but being honest with him and just admitting that you're really unhappy with this whole thing. If you're afraid that he'll leave you if you say that, well, aren't you convinced he's going to leave you eventually anyway? Is it beneficial to delay that? This is the man that you love, and you seem to be brimming with resentment toward him, and full of hurt feelings because of what he's done (i.e., falling in love with this woman). How long can this kind of a life be the preferred solution? I know that question's a bit rhetorical, but I have to ask.
It's also possible that he's not aware of how his excitement about her (his NRE) is affecting you. I'm not saying he should pretend like she's boring or distasteful to him, but maybe he could take it down a notch for your benefit when you're around. Sometimes when people get caught up in NRE, they don't realize how they are hurting their original partner by their excited words and actions.
Re (from
Post #74):
"But I do know that he loves me, and I will hang onto that as long as I can."
Well, suppose things stay exactly like they are. Suppose that ten years from now, he still loves you, and is still with you, but is still also seeing her, and you're still in agony over the situation? or, is it possible that you could emotionally adjust by that time (or sooner, hopefully sooner)? Are there compromises that could help make this work? and if not, what do you do if things just "stay like they are" forever? What if he doesn't leave you, but doesn't leave this other woman, either? Will you still be pretending? Will you smile when you feel like screaming inside? Things might end up that way, unless you drive him away. I don't think you intend to drive him away, but you're also withholding the truth from him. He needs to know that this is very, very difficult for you. That this is not okay for you. If he doesn't know that, then things are likely to remain exactly as they are, and never change.
Your main fear seems to be that he is (maybe) going to leave you. But what if it's just as bad if he doesn't leave you?
I sense that you are feeling very helpless, and very victimized, in this situation. That you are straining to get more power over the situation, because you feel like all the power has been taken away from you.
You can't control other people's actions, but as long as you're "stuck" anyway, why not use the time to try to think of something you can do to make the situation better? Perhaps you'll need to vent more first before you can entertain any "supposed solution." I'm a big believer in the uncertainty of the future. We can't predict how we'll be, or what our situation will look like, ten years from now.
I just know that the way things are
*right now* are making you visibly unhappy. The goal here would be to try to think of something that might at least reduce your level of unhappiness.
Suppose you make enough demands on him (and he assents) that she grows increasingly unhappy until she breaks up with him. Will you be happy with that outcome? Think carefully, you will have won a victory by being dishonest. Is love worth being honest? Are you willing to be honorable for the sake of your husband?
Something you should also be aware of, is that there's not always a primary/secondary structure (in poly). The V I'm in is one example of that, but there are quite a few similar examples. All three people in my household are primaries. There's no reason for anyone to "get the boot" because they were "lower on the totem pole."
Although, a secondary person doesn't necessarily "deserve to get the boot" just because they're secondary, either. They've invested a lot of their heart and soul into the situation. It's the nice thing to have some empathy for them (but only you can make that decision). What kind of world do we live in if none of us care how each other feel?
Re (from
snowmelt, Post #76):
"I know there are a lot of very good people trying to help Daffodil. I have tried myself. Every once in a while someone comes along who is not interested or ready for help. There is no reason for anyone to be on the receiving end of her abuse. I'm going to back away from this thread. I very respectfully recommend to all that you do the same."
Sigh, I don't mean to be disrespectful by continuing to post here. I have gone back and forth on whether to back away. I guess I am still deciding (though I realize some would say my decisionmaking is overly slow). Currently, I guess I am just getting a closer look at the situation, out of curiosity if nothing else, and yes, on the outside chance that something I say might help (later on, if not right now). I do a lot of continually giving the benefit of the doubt; I have been known to give too much in the past. It's something I do. I hold no one else accountable for that, and I know I've been duly warned. (If the thread gets locked, I will consider that an appropriate decision.)