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  #1  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:03 AM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 6
Default “Step Out”

About:

According to MBTI, I hover between E/I NFJ & ENFP. I’ve now been unplugged from the Matrix if you will, twice. Once professionally and am in the process of now awakening on a personal level. I chose the SN Node because I tend to process and build awareness very quickly in regards to dormant, or unrealized interconnections that exist within a network, model, or process. Naming, verbalizing (it was initially very difficult), and explaining what I see and think (I see colors/overlap, and feel meaning like a Venn diagram but in 4D) aided in identifying it. I focused attention to its refinement; how to best purpose its usage for both conscious disestablishment of barriers and strengthening/encouraging nodes, with the hopes of achieving autonomy/subconscious processing one day in desired areas.

Instead of jotting in my own journal, I really feel there is a strong diversity of thought here and “wisdom of the crowds”, always favors the group over a long enough time period. So I’m rolling with it. I hope to get to know some of you better & I’m looking forward to learning more about myself as well.

Time to step outside, time to step outside
Time to step out, time to step out
Time to step outside, time to step outside
Time to step outside you
House on fire, leave it all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you
Step outside, time to step outside, time to step outside
Time to step outside you
House on fire, leave it all behind you
Living life, feeding appetites
Stayed through every hard stop, every go
Being bland
Breathing half the time
House on fire, leave it all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you
Step outside, time to step outside, time to step outside
Time to step out
Broke tooth Monday
Something's not the same
Blank head, crossed eyes sweep the floor
Feel your presence
In your absence shut the door
House on fire, leave it all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you
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  #2  
Old 07-13-2018, 07:10 PM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Default Waiting on a Train - 07/13/18

You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't know for sure. Yet it doesn't matter. Now tell me why? From “Inception”

As I await my train, I actually know physically where it will take me. Having started biking 2 months ago, I know the 90 miles over the next 2 days will be very challenging. Slinging my pack through the sea of bodies I’ve finally nestled into the comforts of a chair and enjoy my lamb meatball salad from Cava.

I leave in a few hours, I hope. Amtrak is notorious for tardiness. In order to cut distance I’ll be riding just shy of 40 miles tonight. On time and I probably would get off the trail close to 1130 pm. Possible case, I arrive closer to 2. Which would set my sleep back and push me into the blazing afternoon tomorrow.

2 weeks ago I opted to not sleep in my BnB for fear of high heat and missing my train back to DC. I left in the Pittsburgh night at 2 am, 4 hours behind schedule and without sleep. It was painful, but rewarding.

In my quest to assimilate and internalize a lot of content a few things resonate. In threads that knock on interests door, the pretzel concept comes up a lot.

If you are monoblooded, why fight it? Find ideal. Do ideal.

Do you.

I wonder if I am pretzeling? I don’t believe I am. I rationalize the value in understanding and being able to one day subconsciously generate compersion. I logically track the words of Bell Hooks, Tristan Taormino, the articles that buzz in my thoughts and twinkle as I sleep. I only recently learned more in depth about self-love. Now it dominates negative nodes both in my professional and personal life. I’ve gotten hugs from co-workers and had a greater depth of conversations. The seconds ticking off the clock, realizing increased value through knowledge, understanding and internalization.

I have oh so far to go. I won’t get there on this train. I may never end up “getting there”, through all the years of stress upon my soul’s frame, the welded joints of insecurity and negativity may not be capable of any new posture.

I wonder what depths the people eating next to me go to. How many of them think these things, or similar veins in their head.

I wonder how they internalize love? I wish I could see that network, like a mouse over, just a swift little wrist flick away.

Foods gone. Gate is calling. Rest is needed.
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  #3  
Old 07-15-2018, 12:10 PM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 6
Default 40 miles with Jealousy

I’ve never liked the dark. It was pitch black after an hour and to be stuck riding in it for 30+ miles was honestly quite scary. My headlights capable of illumination a hundred or so meters in front, but nothing around me. The darkness surrounds you. Crazy thoughts run through your head. Some with threads of rationality, costs of time, body wear, caloric consumption.. Others.. Bears.. Ghosts.. Lunatics with axes.. probably not so realistic. I was alone with these and for me, the incline was quite tortuous.

I wanted to find serenity, peace, to tap into a deeper reflective state, but I couldn’t. I could only think these thoughts. When I lost the stars under the canopy of forest things got more eerie. And more clear, the closer I straddled exhaustion.

I was riding in jealousy. Nodes on different tracks, but linked at so many points. The compulsive spiral taking every bit of my conscious and wielding it to sever my connection with reality.

Think.. Daylight, was not coming. I could ride the path with my headlight. The likelihood of encountering wildlife was relatively low, to a life threatening degree far lower still. I would have visibility in one direction. I had an itinerary for the next day. I could pedal, or I could stop, in the dark. I chose to use it for forward progress. Because I had a destination to reach.

The closer I got to civilization, the more comfortable I became with the dark. I view this as communication. I understood I was still not close enough to be saved from the irrational fears, but I was more comfortable. I was OK stopping to hydrate, conserve battery and gaze up at the open sky when the opportunity arose.

Only when I was able to face reality could I wrestle clear assessment and re-identification of objectives away from the dark. Sitting in a still abyss. The knowledge of progress, self-reflection, amplifying my comfort and confidence.

I hope to use this picture in a picture account again. Calling for the interconnection between this bike ride and my emotional/psychological barriers in the future. Turning the tide against jealousy by fighting fire with fire.

I finished my 2 day 90 mile leg yesterday under the sun and taking in amazing sights nearing Connellsville. I felt a great sense of accomplishment.
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  #4  
Old 07-20-2018, 01:40 AM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 6
Default Date 2 w/ G

Violated the two week rule (powers outside my control - I think), but what do norms govern except to elicit a tolerance of a wider acceptance, right?

Date 2, is still date 2. There was still choice involved. Mutually agreed upon and after a 6 hour first date that was magical.. it seems our schedule will align in much the same manner for date 2, if it could be called such (she is still figuring out “what”, being cut from the same cloth with such close similarity means - friend/more). I can only be me. I can only continue to follow what I feel I need and desire taking into account risk & return. While the time has put distance (thank god) and cooled my crystal clear memory bank, I still feel a super deep connection with her.

I’ve made all the reservations. And have everything planned out, up until a dance under a quiet tree (which for some reason has Christmas lights on it about 2 blocks from our last cozy stop). The headphones, the splitter, the song..

And there growth whispers to me, let go. Kiss? Maybe. (Did not kiss on our first date). More? Probably not. But I am not saying yes, or no, to anything. Not now. I love planning stuff out. But spontaneity and flow are places I wanted to experience as well. Keeping in mind still, there is already someone else and I have no real understanding of that dynamic yet. Nor can I possibly have any idea of how the knowledge would affect me, my emotions subsequently. The ripples spiral still deeper and tonight, my mind declines the chase to further depth.

I have my clothes ironed, pressed, folded and ready to slip right into after a shower following work. I know the exact time to leave to arrive 3 minutes prior to our agreed upon time.. And I realize I’ve known, we will call her G, for 19 days. Lol.

That, is, crazy.

Reading that, I think I’m a fucking loon. Kinda, but not really.

I have had a relationship of 10 years end. I had been in another for 5, kaput. I have never had moments as special as I have had (an extreme ease/comfort/sense of connection), than with this girl I’ve met once. Lmao.

Loon!

I’m good. I’m hearing Oprah and Brene Brown.

Quiet self.
I’m more than good. 🙂

Letting chance decide on the song:
Two hands, one with a red paper, one white..

White: Lily Allen - Somewhere Only We Know
Red: Chris de Burgh - Lady in Red

If the vibes are good, the gum will already have been chewed..

Again, I haven’t had a date in almost.. 20 years (I’m 36). I have to read up and then balance societal garbage (advice columns) against what I think I know because the movies shaping what I think I know.. Are also from the same flawed one love construct I want to venture away from.

That’s also why I am so into, G. I feel like she likes and values the fact, I am allowing myself to operate in that unknown space. To be slow, or inappropriate, or naive, or.. whatever. I like that she encourages and acknowledges courage and depth of vulnerability. I like that she talks and walks it. Because there is a chasm of trust and genuineness to our interactions.

No sugar coating.

I fucking love that. I have never been so naked & comfortable emotionally with someone. Its weightlessness.

It’s tomorrow.
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