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Old 04-06-2010, 08:45 PM
Oya Oya is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Hi, all. I'm 33 and came to polyamory by following a former boyfriend and always close friend. I wasn't ready to let go of the "romantic" (whatever that means) and thought that following him into polyamory left the door open for us to have a sexual relationship. I can't get very far into discussions about this area of my life without running into terminology problems. So many terms seem wrong or just don't make sense. I'm also in the middle of trying to understand exactly what I want/need in this area of my life. Monogamy doesn't seem to be a good idea, though it does seem at the moment to be the easiest. But being that of the 3 people I'm involved with, only one of them is poly (and that relationship is largely non-sexual) and the other 2 put up with my ideas but don't agree, it doesn't seem that I'm on a very sustainable path. I would like to have a child, but i would like the father of that child to be somebody I have a close relationship with, and that doesn't seem likely to happen with any of the 3 in the near future. Being 33, time is of the essence for me in this regard. So, I'm now in the midst of trying to understand what relationship configuration is best.
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:54 AM
ladylylli ladylylli is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 1
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Hi, I am Lylli and I am 22, I am married to my wonderful husband for almost a year now. The idea of being poly has always been something that we jokingly talked about and just recently told the husband that I was done joking and that I needed another to share my love with. We are now in search of the ever elusive unicorn as he is straight and one man is enough for me.

I guess that my first venture in to the poly lovestyle would have been when I was 16. I was involved in a Vee (had no idea it was called that at the time) with my ex and his sister (nothing hinky...we were never together when the other was around)...I was deeply in love with them both and am still friends with them both today.

My husband and I have had a few polyminded friends in the past and currently and I believe that seeing those dynamics work so well helped to convince me that this is what I want. So I am here hoping to find other people that I can talk to and identify with on our journey towards finding our third.

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Old 04-19-2010, 08:33 PM
mandybear mandybear is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 1

Hi! I'm Amanda. I'm 27 and have been married to my husband Jonathan for 6 years. We realized that poly was for us a few months ago when I confessed to my husband that I was in love with my close friend, M. Telling him started a long discussion about his feelings for me (still madly in love), his feelings for her (huge crush), and what would happen if we moved forward with the situation. She lives a few states away so we invited her to spend the weekend, it was wonderful. We had so much fun together, even though we never discussed it, the 3 of us cuddled all night. However when things started to get physical I stopped it. M had a bit to drink and I didn't want to take advantage of her. I let her go home without ever talking about the sparks that were flying, and I regret it. That night her boyfriend (a world-class jerk) decided that he was moving in with her, and that he doesn't want her coming to visit anymore or seeing much of us at all.

The feelings of that night, even though it didn't work out with M, made us realize that we want to try and expand our family. We do have 2 young sons so I think that complicates things a lot!
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:26 PM
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loreleileelong loreleileelong is offline
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Hi, I'm Lor. I'm stepping into poly with my boyfriend and my girl, for lack of better designation.

Brief background on my poly-interest starts with reading Heinlein, as is fairly common, I'm seeing. I've always wanted a large house-hold, filled with people/children/pets, commune-style. I just didn't realise there was a name for it. So here I am, looking forward to the challenges I'll face and the people I'll meet.
Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and let them.
~Robert A Heinlein
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Old 04-25-2010, 12:04 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 758
Default My life as I see it

I am 27, my husband of 4yrs (together 8) is 29. We have 2 cats, and that is as close to children as we'll get at the moment.

We have a strong realtionship and while they were some hard times, I will give credit to the many times we have had to rebuild "us", for who we are now.

We are new to poly ,as far as a term and openness about it. We have several friends living many different lifestyles, so it's not new to us. We have seen several very strong and happy V's as well as Triads.

I have a hard time with letting go of beliefs and morals implanted in childhood. I have been doing a lot of work on learning who I am and what I believe right and wrong to be, and not believing in something simply because it was how I was raised.

I came to understand that I was bi about 2yrs ago, but I strongly feel that if we are not both involved, it is cheating. He feels this is an un-needed rule, but supports my belief. He also feels the act of sex does not always involve emotion, and while I understand the concept behind it, I have a hard time with it as it applys to us. He is very open with his thought that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone, as long as we stay eachothers primaries. I feel there needs to be something there for me emotionaly to act on it, and then I feel I am cheating, even though he is okay with it.

As we have worked through things we agreed that we would be open to dating someone as a couple. No "private" relationships or physical acts, but dating as a couple. We follow an "as long as we are both there" rule. More for me than him.

Several months ago he met a young woman that he enjoyed spending time with and flirting with. This was no big deal as he has several very close female friends. But soon after meeting her he began acting weird and when finaly confronted with it, he said he had gained deep feelings for her and was torn. He believed something was wrong with us, how else could he feel for her what he did? (his words) He said he couldn't name anything, didn't know of anything I wasn't giving him, and began to wonder if it was emotional whiplash from dealing with childhood traumas. He felt he was doing me an injustice by falling for someone else, yet still loving me.

I'm not sure why, but I was okay with this. I wasn't okay that he had hid it this long, but his feelings for her didn't bother me. He has cheated in the past, before we were married, and he kissed someone once while we were married. I think after living through my reactions to those, he was fearful of how to bring this up, which was why he waited so long. I surprised him, and myself by being okay with the whole thing. I think it was more the lies that bothered me in the past, not the actions. So the fact that he was honest with me, made things easier to accept. With the understanding that our rules still stayed in place, and I got to spend more time with her, and he stop hiding all their conversations from me.

The first time he told her he loved her in front of me, I thanked him. I really appreciated him not hiding it anymore.

There are a lot of other things going on in all of our lives, but we have made time to date her as a couple. She is aware of and okay with our agreement, and is interested in dating us both and seeing where things go.

It is slow going, but that is okay for all involved.

So basicaly, I am here to continue to sort things out, learn more, and meet others like us. Maybe things with her won't work out, maybe they will. Maybe we are both poly and one day I will be more comfortable with relaxing the rules. I don't know yet. It'll be an interesting journey as we all travel this path together. Who know's maybe we met our unicorn without even trying.

However it works out, these are our first steps onto a new path in our relationship and it is very nice to know there are others out there.
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:48 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I am female, straight, 25 and married.
My husband is 32 and is currently my only relationship, although I am developing feelings for another man aged 27.
I have discussed polyamory with my husband before but feel another good talk is in order.

UPDATE: (28th of August, 2010)
I am now (since July) the hinge of a V with my husband and a boyfriend, S, aged 26. I am still in love with the man previously mentioned. My husband is also interested in someone.

Last edited by Tonberry; 08-28-2010 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 04-29-2010, 02:26 AM
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LovingGirl LovingGirl is offline
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Posts: 8

I am 26, female, married to a wonderful man. We have one child (a 5-year-old boy) and are hoping to have another at some point. I am submissive by nature, and extremely so with my husband.

I am in a new relationship with a second equally-wonderful fellow. (B, for the purpose of these forums.) He brings out the part of me that enjoys being in control. The men are becoming friends, which is helpful.

We're working on building a family. My husband has talked with a couple of people he is considering becoming involved with, but thus far it's just the three of us. We've been open with our son, and introduced our extended family to our (now ex-) girlfriend.

I'm big on being open about my life, and not making a big deal out of being 'different.' Hubby is a little more on the conservative side, and would rather not tell people until it's 'safe.' B seems to be fearful of the judgment his friends and family will make about us. This puts me in the awkward position of being much less open than I am comfortable with, but I'm willing to take things so to make my men happy.
I have a lot of love to give.
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Old 05-04-2010, 01:30 AM
punkrockmomma punkrockmomma is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 42


I'm 34 and a fellow Canadian to some of you. I am single, and a single momma to my wonderful son.I use the single momma term rather loosely as my sons father is still a huge part of our life.We still spend time together as a family and as friends, pretty damn lucky if I do say so.

I do many things...jill of all trades, master of a few. I am a small business owner and work part-time as a personal assistant. I'm crafty, a pretty fab cook, an aromatherapist, too many things to count really.

The possibly poly part of me is pretty new, the not so straight part of me isn't. I got a card from my aunt and uncle for my 19th birthday that said they would love me no matter what I chose. I consider myself fortunate that my love is not limited by gender... I've had male, female and a few partners occupying varying degrees of the space in between.

I am single, have been for a while. At this point it would be nice to meet people to spend time with, although I'm not in a hurry. I live with my son and don't plan on living with anyone else anytime soon.I like my space a lot as my life is very busy.

Passionate, compassionate, weird, shy,a pain the ass, easy going, difficult,..complex, but hopefully I don't have any complexes!

Last edited by punkrockmomma; 05-04-2010 at 01:37 AM.
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Old 05-09-2010, 08:26 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sub-ultima Thule
Posts: 65
Default One from the far north

I'm a 50+ Norwegian, super-nerdy I think someone would say, but with a lot of interests and activities. A time of relief in my life was when I first found polyamory mailing lists and sites on the emerging Internet in the mid-90es.

After all, I was not just another dysfunctional monogamist, there were probably thousands like me out there! I knew I wasn't that dysfunctional relationship-wise, in fact I had understood that I had some talents and skills in that field. But that tendency to always be, in principle, open to new relationships, in spite of being in a good one.. I knew it was not just male fucking-around behavior. Because in that pattern, men tend to avoid the relationship part, while that always was important to me.

For years, I followed discussion groups, made some modest attempts at polyamory myself (didn't work... you can't do it halfway), but was by no means sure about how important this was to me. I had found myself a diagnosis of my "deviant" inclinations, that was what mattered most.

Three years ago, I decided now was the time to try it in a more serious way, and I'm still in the V we formed then. One leg is my life partner of 30+ years, she is personally not very poly-inclined, but has acknowledged how this has boosted the development of our (very) long-term relationship. The other is a woman with very much the same inclinations as me, poly-wise, though we have lots of differences in most other fields. We have a blog together, in Norwegian, "Magic Penny", dedicated to polyamory and relationships: http://polyamori.blogspot.com.

Feel free to contact me if there is something you'd like to talk about. I'm not always in the mood for sex, but more or less constantly in the mood for communication, with seemingly insatible needs there ;-)

Last edited by capricorny; 05-09-2010 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:57 PM
LostNoMore LostNoMore is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
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Default Lost No More

[Let me apologize up front for the length, when I recently discovered what I feel I am had a name – and a community – my heart opened up and this is the first place I’m pouring it into:]

I am a 38-year old white hetero male with an unfortunate history of relationships who has lived the mono lifestyle out of fear and confusion for decades. I have felt myself to be what I now know is polyamorous most of my life but I have also had a hard time articulating my beliefs/inclinations about relationships to others and have been judged harshly by (most) of the few people I have ventured to share those beliefs with. So when I discovered you all . . .

. . . Oh-Emm-Gee, WOW. That was my first reaction when I came across this site and headed right into this thread. I'm utterly flabbergasted. I'm also realizing that for a person who has prided himself on being able to boldly proclaim his beliefs about every fundamental topic (religion, existence, politics, etc.) I have kept my poly nature very close to myself and have outwardly (shamefully?) lived as if I am mono all my life (is there a poly-closet?).

I don't know if it's because I just felt odd about my beliefs internally (upon my own reflection) or because I felt odd for external reasons (yielding to the oppressive majority or yielding to the threat of ostracizing I felt after the few times I began to share my beliefs about my views on intimacy) or both. But I lived a lie. Now, after reading the well-articulated and honest and heartfelt thoughts on the subject from many of you all, I feel SOOO relieved that MY subjective version of how I want to live and love is objectively validated (not simply because there are others who live/love this way, but because such a large group of very intelligent and thoughtful, nay, philosophical, people who I know I would respect hold these same beliefs).

I didn't want to think I was that odd. I didn't think it was crazy to wonder why we humans relish what variety offers in so many aspects of life (food, music, careers - shit, almost everything!), yet one of the two most assumed fundamental aspects of human-ness, love (the other being cortex-sentience), MUST be shackled to a format that locks people together two-by-two for life (huh?) regardless of how individuals wish to love and lust. This was utterly baffling to me in my teens and twenties. But even more baffling was how absolutely widespread this notion was (and is) accepted (oh the power of inculcation!). I don't want to beat up on mono; in fact the discussions over why most people identify as mono have been enlightening and I don’t see it as so “bad” anymore (as long as it’s honest, self-reflected mono). I’m also very impressed with how respectful, inquisitive, open-minded and even empathetic you all are towards an overwhelming majority view that is so hostile to our way of seeing relationships. I've held parts of these discussions in my head too. It's just real nice to see others discussing/arguing these topics I felt so alone in contemplating for so long.


I was raised in a hodgepodge-religious family (mormon, jewish, catholic, buddhist and atheist, I know, sounds like the beginning of a bad joke). I was with my first girlfriend for 9 years, then a year-and-a-half of dating then my current relationship of 11 years, which will be coming to an end soon.

I never attempted anything but mono. I was raised to believe in what I now call the "conveyer belt" view of life: finish high school, go on to a higher education, meet a "nice woman", marry her, make babies and money, go to church and worship, teach those kids how to ride the conveyer belt themselves one day and then die, having being "faithful" to the wife for life.

I understood the efficacy of the pattern (the meme of mono has been honed over thousands of years, with each generation of leaders defining relationships to encourage notions of “safety” and “stability” in a way considered important to avoid the uncertainty and even chaos threatened in once-very small and biologically-connected clan-communities, with the unfortunate vestiges of such thinking inherited to this day). There is, of course, a natural explanation for the prevalence of mono (and its continued acculturation) too, namely our basic feelings of jealously/insecurity/ownership associated with our relationships. But I started to wonder why I could separate my urges from these notions drilled into me from childhood.

At the same time, I was also questioning my faith, and when I saw that institutions (like formal religion) could have easily been invented solely by humans rather than inspired by something divine, I began to question the institutions themselves, and even the tenets those institutions were based upon. God, marriage, even the biological imperative of children, all became mere options for me rather than the givens I had been trained to accept. This wasn't as simple as I'm making it sound. Acculturation is powerful (arguably evolved in our very complex brains) and it took more than paradigm shifting but actual cognitive dissonance to see the world entirely differently, but I'm so glad it happened.

With these revelations also came my reconsideration of monogamy. The notion that we are all to be simply paired like Noah's animals on an ark called Earth became silly. People love all kinds of people all different kinds of ways all during their lives, and circumstances dictate that a least some of these various loves MUST overlap along the timeline (including the in-love types of love!). I began to disdain the social construct and what I saw as extreme self-insecurity that is “Mono.” (I am learning now after reading/learning more that mono can be healthy if made freely and honestly without coming from a place of religious/social constraint). Back then I felt it could not have been that our nature is so illogical, but more likely that the mono hey-you-one-at-time, please, philosophy of finding a mate was more likely DECIDED and TAUGHT to each generation. So, I thought about it long and hard, and a couple “truths” emerged for me:

- Most people fall in love more than once during their lifetimes;

- We don't control who we fall in love with, it’s a FEELING not a CHOICE;

- We don't control when we fall in love;

- Life is super short and limiting relationships to one and one only by definition halts the possibility of discovering new and/or stronger/different love

I considered these facts and compared them to everything I had been taught about the "importance" of monogamy and decided that the benefits (reality?) of being polyamorous substantially outweighed the benefits of monogamy. WHAT NOW, I thought.

I told my first girlfriend about my newfound views and not surprisingly she was hostile to it (monogamous to the core). Moreover, someone I had known all my life started to affect me romantically (but she was too young, middle teens). I thought I had my confirmation by having feelings for two women at the same time, but I slowly realized I had never really been in love with my girlfriend so we broke up. The young girl and I also lost touch (more on her later).

I began professional school at this point and began dating like crazy, with varying degrees of (emotional and/or physical intimate) success. I found the first person I knew for sure I was in love with during this time and we became very close but romance for me was never in her deck of cards. It was extremely painful and I broke off our relationship in its entirety because it hurt too much even to be in the same room as her.

I then met my current girlfriend, who I thought I was falling in love with but by the time I realized I wasn't, it was too late: she suffers from a serious mental illness and my leaving her would have destroyed her (and all the professional goals she had worked so hard all her life for) so I've spent years staying with her (unhappy and unfulfilled) to help her get better enough to be without me, which is finally happening. I also have never told her about my poly tendencies but will after I'm formally out of the picture. This relationship is currently winding down, like a marriageless divorce. (Just in time to discover and begin exploring the poly community?)

However, to make things worse (for me), that young girl I had known all my life who lost touch with me came back into my life recently and I realized very quickly those romantic feelings I was having when she was young were real and I am head-over-heels in love with her. She has, unfortunately, jumped on the conveyer belt (husband, kids, house, the whole 9 yards) and I don't know if she has any poly tendencies (I'm deathly afraid to ask). She agrees that we have a “special” kind of love and she care about me a lot, but I don’t think it goes beyond that because she seems very happy in the life she built while I was out of her picture. I think about her with the joy of love and the heavy remorse of unrequited love in my heart every day [or should I say NRE and depression at the same time?] So this is my history with love.

Now I'm not the type of person that loves lightly. When I fall in love, it's for real and it's forever. So I'm stuck in a place now where I've spent 20 years (more than 1/2 my life) with 2 women whom I loved but wasn't in love with, and am (still) in love with 2 other women, both of whom were unattainable for various reasons. I know I have to move on and I'm really looking forward to getting out there and meeting some like-minded people like you all, and hopefully finding women who see the world as I do (before I could even articulate poly, I thought the idea of a female archetype such as what I now know as polyamorous was simply a myth!!!!!). Thank you all so much for expressing your beliefs, thoughts and advice. I feel MUCH less alone in the world now . . .


Last edited by LostNoMore; 05-11-2010 at 08:26 PM.
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