Sageflutterby
Member
Situation: Last week, metamour told partner that she wanted partner to downgrade relationship of partner and me to the equivalent of fuck buddy. My shared partner told me and was froze with indecision over how to handle the situation because he didn't want to lose me and knew I wouldn't accept those terms but he also didn't want to lose his other partner, whom he shares legal, financial and parental obligations with. I did confirm that I laid down my terms at the start of our relationship and that I was looking for emotional intimacy, not a sexual only relationship. I told him that if he was going to shape our relationship by a third party's terms in which I had no say, voice or control not to come over that Friday as his other partner told him no overnights.
He did not come over and did not message me (later he told me he was dealing with an ear infection and despite the messages and such that he was in the wrong for not messaging me). I was devestated thinking we were over because he originally said he wasn't sure how to keep our agreement and satisfy his other partner. He didn't know what to say to her.
Normally, I do not speak to my metamours about relationship stuff, preferring to leave that to the involved parties and I do NOT have a relationship romantically with the metamour. In fact, despite being welcomed by her as a family member, her actions have repeatedly not matched her words and I have started withdrawing from interactions as much as possible to respect her space but still have to deal with constraints of myself and my partner's responsibilities. Metamour has a live in boyfriend and they frequently leave our shared partner home to watch the children, so I spend one night a week over there with partner while he watches children.
However, this time, since I thought our relationship was over, I felt like I had nothing to lose by speaking up and I sent out an open message to invovled parties in our polycule to avoid a he said, she said situation. I advised that I was not a warm body with a wet hole meant to satisfy our partner's sexual needs to be abandoned to share emotional intimacy only with her and that I was hurt that she attempted to downgrade a relationship that did not involve her and that I felt like I was powerless without a voice or any options except to walk away. I also said some other things, non attacking in nature but expressing my hurt at being excluded from decision making processes about my relationship.
She sent a reply back to only me backtracking her statements made to our shared partner and I did share that email with our shared partner because at this point I was interested in everyone sharing the same communications and expectations.
I saw my partner today at lunch. He admitted his other partner was upset with him that he shared the downgraded relationship conversation with me, that she didn't want anyone knowing her feelings. He said he felt that I had the right to know when it came to my relationship if something was going to impact me. And she did not agree.
I asked him if I was a non-entity to her, and he agreed that my metamour did consider me a non-entity when it came to considerations. I have expressed multiple times how the polycule makes decisions (metamour's bf, my shared partner, and her) that involve influence on my relationship. I clarified multiple times (6x or more over the course of the last few months) that my shared partner and his other partner do not have veto over each other's relationships, he says no veto. I felt sad because I have given the metamour my support and consideration and that when I make decisions, that I try to think of the whole group since they have responsibilities as I do. But I am not given the same parity or reciprical consideration. I don't know how to get it. I'm not asking for friendship and given up on the intimacy of family style poly, having thought that shared space would be an easy way to spend time together and still get emotional needs met (this has not worked because she responds with anger and jealousy any time our shared partner and I play together -I like to bump hips, banter with insane troll logic, and do things like poke my partner to prompt retaliatory interactions like wrestling).
I asked my shared partner if, since it feels like our involved parties have different goals, if he thought it might be helpful to step back for six months so he and my metamour could work out things and he says no. He thinks that given time because he and I want the same things that the compatibilities will work out for the better. But I am just on the fence because I have a hard time trusting what might happen if the metamour attempts to downgrade me again.
I expressed hurt and anger to my shared partner that he didn't step forward to stand up for the relationship and he admits to being indecisive because he didn't know what to do and because he said he had a hard time arguing while dealing with an infection (ear infection causing headaches and stuff for a couple of days because of a bad swimmer's ear). I believe him. I don't feel like he lies. I do feel like he's overly optimistic sometimes, but I also tend to plan for the worst/hope for the best due to anxiety.
It's not my shared partner I am anxious over, it's the veto and the couple's privelege and knowing someone doesn't see me as worthy enough as a person with feelings and considerations, to such an extent that she just wants me to be a fuck buddy to her husband. I explained in the open letter that everyone knew from the beginning that I was polyamorous, expecting a polyamorous relationship and that I was not open nonmonagamous. They opened their relationship to explore sexuality and we opened ours to expand our circle of chosen family and loved ones.
My partner wants what I want. He's had fuck buddies and said he wants the emotional intimacy and connection and that he doesn't want to be fuck buddies, either. So I was wondering, if anyone has been in this situation before, how did you handle the anxiety of knowing a metamour wants to downgrade the relationship? How did you maintain trust in a partner?
Logically, love and emotional intimacy is not the only factor. I know in weights and consideration that neither my metamour or shared partner can handle the constraints of a lower quality of life or a downgrade in financial situations because they share a child with muscular dystrophy and some rather poor financial decisions that they have to work through together. When I weight things outside of love, economically it makes sense to maintain that relationship over our own but my shared partner freezes whenever my metamour's unhappiness and jealousy spill over onto our relationship. He has stood up for and maintained some things I asked for in the beginning like giving me overnights and maintaining the metamour cannot call him away for anything less than an emergency (she had a habit of trying to guilt trip him with minor things to call him home).
I don't even know what words of wisdom I'm looking for. Perhaps I'm venting. It's just so hard to trust when I'm scared of my metamour's emotional state and know she considers me as a non entity with regard to what she wants done with my relationship involving our shared partner.
Sorry for the long post. I am just anxious and seeking input from others who are polyamorous and have had this experience.
He did not come over and did not message me (later he told me he was dealing with an ear infection and despite the messages and such that he was in the wrong for not messaging me). I was devestated thinking we were over because he originally said he wasn't sure how to keep our agreement and satisfy his other partner. He didn't know what to say to her.
Normally, I do not speak to my metamours about relationship stuff, preferring to leave that to the involved parties and I do NOT have a relationship romantically with the metamour. In fact, despite being welcomed by her as a family member, her actions have repeatedly not matched her words and I have started withdrawing from interactions as much as possible to respect her space but still have to deal with constraints of myself and my partner's responsibilities. Metamour has a live in boyfriend and they frequently leave our shared partner home to watch the children, so I spend one night a week over there with partner while he watches children.
However, this time, since I thought our relationship was over, I felt like I had nothing to lose by speaking up and I sent out an open message to invovled parties in our polycule to avoid a he said, she said situation. I advised that I was not a warm body with a wet hole meant to satisfy our partner's sexual needs to be abandoned to share emotional intimacy only with her and that I was hurt that she attempted to downgrade a relationship that did not involve her and that I felt like I was powerless without a voice or any options except to walk away. I also said some other things, non attacking in nature but expressing my hurt at being excluded from decision making processes about my relationship.
She sent a reply back to only me backtracking her statements made to our shared partner and I did share that email with our shared partner because at this point I was interested in everyone sharing the same communications and expectations.
I saw my partner today at lunch. He admitted his other partner was upset with him that he shared the downgraded relationship conversation with me, that she didn't want anyone knowing her feelings. He said he felt that I had the right to know when it came to my relationship if something was going to impact me. And she did not agree.
I asked him if I was a non-entity to her, and he agreed that my metamour did consider me a non-entity when it came to considerations. I have expressed multiple times how the polycule makes decisions (metamour's bf, my shared partner, and her) that involve influence on my relationship. I clarified multiple times (6x or more over the course of the last few months) that my shared partner and his other partner do not have veto over each other's relationships, he says no veto. I felt sad because I have given the metamour my support and consideration and that when I make decisions, that I try to think of the whole group since they have responsibilities as I do. But I am not given the same parity or reciprical consideration. I don't know how to get it. I'm not asking for friendship and given up on the intimacy of family style poly, having thought that shared space would be an easy way to spend time together and still get emotional needs met (this has not worked because she responds with anger and jealousy any time our shared partner and I play together -I like to bump hips, banter with insane troll logic, and do things like poke my partner to prompt retaliatory interactions like wrestling).
I asked my shared partner if, since it feels like our involved parties have different goals, if he thought it might be helpful to step back for six months so he and my metamour could work out things and he says no. He thinks that given time because he and I want the same things that the compatibilities will work out for the better. But I am just on the fence because I have a hard time trusting what might happen if the metamour attempts to downgrade me again.
I expressed hurt and anger to my shared partner that he didn't step forward to stand up for the relationship and he admits to being indecisive because he didn't know what to do and because he said he had a hard time arguing while dealing with an infection (ear infection causing headaches and stuff for a couple of days because of a bad swimmer's ear). I believe him. I don't feel like he lies. I do feel like he's overly optimistic sometimes, but I also tend to plan for the worst/hope for the best due to anxiety.
It's not my shared partner I am anxious over, it's the veto and the couple's privelege and knowing someone doesn't see me as worthy enough as a person with feelings and considerations, to such an extent that she just wants me to be a fuck buddy to her husband. I explained in the open letter that everyone knew from the beginning that I was polyamorous, expecting a polyamorous relationship and that I was not open nonmonagamous. They opened their relationship to explore sexuality and we opened ours to expand our circle of chosen family and loved ones.
My partner wants what I want. He's had fuck buddies and said he wants the emotional intimacy and connection and that he doesn't want to be fuck buddies, either. So I was wondering, if anyone has been in this situation before, how did you handle the anxiety of knowing a metamour wants to downgrade the relationship? How did you maintain trust in a partner?
Logically, love and emotional intimacy is not the only factor. I know in weights and consideration that neither my metamour or shared partner can handle the constraints of a lower quality of life or a downgrade in financial situations because they share a child with muscular dystrophy and some rather poor financial decisions that they have to work through together. When I weight things outside of love, economically it makes sense to maintain that relationship over our own but my shared partner freezes whenever my metamour's unhappiness and jealousy spill over onto our relationship. He has stood up for and maintained some things I asked for in the beginning like giving me overnights and maintaining the metamour cannot call him away for anything less than an emergency (she had a habit of trying to guilt trip him with minor things to call him home).
I don't even know what words of wisdom I'm looking for. Perhaps I'm venting. It's just so hard to trust when I'm scared of my metamour's emotional state and know she considers me as a non entity with regard to what she wants done with my relationship involving our shared partner.
Sorry for the long post. I am just anxious and seeking input from others who are polyamorous and have had this experience.