Multi-partner co-habitation

I certainly have had my share of roommates-from-hell. My apartment is a small 1-BR and I've lived here many, many years.

Before I got married I used to rent out the BR and sleep in the LR.

And now you're considering doing that again! I hope you get a nice clean sober roommate who only comes home to sleep and shower!

Back to living with partners, there was a difference in standards between me and my hubs, and this was something he got heated about a lot. I tend to collect stuff, hold onto old things, and can very easily and quickly be surrounded by clutter...

Funny, how much neater I am since he moved out. However, a friend of mine had to laugh recently when he asked about all the dishes in my sink and I told him I occasionally go on strike. He said, "You're on strike against yourself?" and I said, "Yeah, it's not really working out too well, 'cause eventually I am gonna be standing here for an hour doing all of these." We both cracked up laughing.

:p My gf was raised by hoarders and inherited the tendency, or disorder. It does bother me, but she has been getting much better over the last few years, with the help of therapy. One of the reasons we haven't moved in together is because of this problem. I spent enough years in a house with a slob of a husband, 3 kids, various partners of theirs, way too many pets and clutter, and no one committed to helping cook, do dishes, de-clutter, or clean. I am not going back there again.
 
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hehe
 
My ex wife was a stacker. Stacks of papers and shit everywhere. It drove me crazy! I decided that I would go out and get boxes and start putting her stuff in them and stack them on her side of our room. It filled up fast! When we moved it all went with us... the advantage was that when she moved out, it was already packed for her :p:D I think its all still stored at her parents house actually!

I miss that she used to sit by my side of the bed in the morning and sip her tea REALLY loudly before leaving for work. She sat with her head against me and her two hands on the cup... I miss that. I love her for that now.... *tear* :( I was so mean to her yelling at her to stop and go away. Stupid!
 
If you choose roommates/partners carefully, you are less likely to end up with an inconsiderate slob, unless that is what you prefer.

Yeah, and lowering one's standards if you do happen to love that inconsiderate slob can also help, too!

I tend to collect stuff, hold onto old things, and can very easily and quickly be surrounded by clutter. He always wanted me to toss my shit out.

Flattie is what appears to be a hoarder. I have no formal training in clinical psychology, so my impression is pretty much based on what I see people on tv do. She can't throw away newspaper, leaflets, basically anything that comes through the mailbox will never leave our house unless I intervene. She can get extremely anxious if I just mention throwing any of her piles away, so I just do it sometimes when she's not there. I don't know if that's mean, but I think she's sometimes relieved that she doesn't have to make the decision.

Another thing she hoards is food. Our fridge, freezer and cupboard are always swamped with stuff, literally rotting away. My mum has cleaned our fridge twice. Flattie occasionally cleans it too, but she seems unable to take the stuff that's gone bad outside. So it just sits on our kitchen counter, happily decomposing along. We have a biotrash bin but nothing's ever there, instead it hangs out on that same counter and the smell can be pretty overwhelming sometimes.
 
The shoulder to cry on

One thing I'm finding a little difficult is that I am the primary source of comfort for Indigo and Mr. A.

Indigo's dad has been in and out of the hospital for the last couple of weeks with a terrible infection. Indigo is understandably scared; his dad doesn't take great care of himself, is diabetic, etc. He has been well and truly ill. He has two border collies. In all the time I've known Indigo, I've never seen his dad go more than a few days without taking the dogs to the park, and only if he's really sick. We're coming up on three weeks since his dad's been out with the dogs. (Indigo and I are doing it, though more him than me since he's off work right now.)

Mr. A is struggling with not getting enough hours at his "primary" job. I say primary because it is the career he has chosen to define himself by for all of his adult life. His secondary job is paying really well, giving him good hours, but is also stressful because it's new and he's learning still. And it's not him. He feels inadequate and that he's taking steps back in his career. In reality, he couldn't continue on his desired career path if he wanted, because it's not paying well enough and he's got a large amount of debt to pay down. I tell him he working now so that he can do what he loves later.

I certainly wouldn't want either of them to not be able to talk to me. And yeah, they're big issues. I guess I just don't know what to do with "their" stress after they share it with me.

Writing it here has helped, but further suggestions would be appreciated.
 
I think the hardest thing for me is I need my routines. It's the only way I keep my OCD and anxiety in check. I've had one roommate who actualy cleaned up after themselves and didnt get in the way of me doing my daily thing. And was in fact more than willing to do whatever he needed to be out of my way to let me be.

Karma comes from a family of hoarders. Animals and junk. He doesn't hoard, he has vowed to never live like that. THANK GODDESS!

But his ADD gets in the way of him "seeing" when something needs done.

We both adapted, I learned to handle my OCD better and let some things go, and he has learned to take care of something as soon as he sees it so he doesn't forget.

I think a lot of living together is compromise and respect. Karma and I have talked about buying a duplex or adding onto an existing home, if we were to ever have one of his g/f's live with us. That would allow him to have both of us close but still give me my space.


TP-I have no advice, but I'm sorry, that's gotta be a hard place be in.
 
I guess I just don't know what to do with "their" stress after they share it with me.
I a word...nothing. Let it go. It's their stress, and most people have enough of our own.
I find being about to unload on someone close to me is a catherdic way of releasing my own stress, but I don't expect them to hold onto it...just as I enjoy helping them unload their stress by venting to me. But I don't hold onto it either. I see it as acting as a conduit for it to pass from them through me...to the either or whereever, it doesn't matter. It's a way to act as a relief valve...not an overflow container...since containers eventually get full.
That's it...a listening ear, open mind, and a shoulder for crying, warm hug, a few words of encouragement, whatever they need. And their burden...let it go, and leave it in the wake.
 
TP- the great thing about poly is that you can promote them having deep friendships that they share themselves with. You are not and cannot be their everthing. I find it too much with two. Especially living together. The trick I find is not to fall into the monogamous paradigm with TWO people, but to promote shuffling off to share some of that. I figured that out after a while... I'm still working on that. Just as I need to find others to share with.
 
One thing I'm finding a little difficult is that I am the primary source of comfort for Indigo and Mr. A.
...
I certainly wouldn't want either of them to not be able to talk to me. And yeah, they're big issues. I guess I just don't know what to do with "their" stress after they share it with me.

Writing it here has helped, but further suggestions would be appreciated.


Not trying to solve or argue. Not taking their stress on as something you have to absorb. I know what you mean, and I have found myself taking disruptions and feelings of overwhelmedness personally.

I have been asked to look at acute distress as sickness, and comfort as I would if the mental pain was physical, which it can be.

I used to bristle at the words, "Everything's going to be o.k.", because, I would argue, maybe it won't be o.k., can't be. As in the case of someone's health, someone's death.

These days I find myself more able to hear these words and take comfort in them, even say them, because while the past and present may not be changeable, and the future uncertain, the blessing of another person putting their arms around you and being your friend, letting you rant or cry or stare,-is so precious. It has the power to make some part of the stress manageable and calm the panic without having to have the whole solution worked out in order to be soothed to a place of perspective.

Hope I made some sense. Take care.
-R
 
... the blessing of another person putting their arms around you and being your friend, letting you rant or cry or stare,-is so precious. It has the power to make some part of the stress manageable and calm the panic without having to have the whole solution worked out in order to be soothed to a place of perspective.

My dear Kevin partner almost always retreats when there is difficulty between us, which means few or no words and rarely any comforting touches (strokes, holding) when we're having a rough moment between us. He knows this drives me batty. But its an old habit of his. >sigh< So y'all pay attention, now. Some folks don't get what the need most when they need it most.
 
Hilarious!!!

Maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub cockle area... Maybe in the kidneys, maybe in the liver... Maybe EVEN in the colon... We don't know.



Sorry - had too... :p

I know I'm *months* late chiming in... but I had to give a virtual high-five to the Dennis Leary quote. I use "sub-cockle area" frequently in conversation and no one EVER gets it. :cool:
 
Something I found online about multi-partner households:

CHALLENGES OF LIVING TOGETHER AS A POLY FAMILY

So why is this model so difficult to sustain? Ironically, the reasons most of these families disintegrate so quickly have nothing to do with polyamory. Instead, they fail because of the difficulties of living together: conflicts over housework, kids, money, space and privacy. Everyone must be able to reach agreement on all these questions:

• where to live;
• what house to buy or rent;
• whether to pool financial resources;
• how much money to spend and what expenditures are acceptable;
• how clean to keep the house and who will be responsible for which chores;
• what kind of food to buy and who will cook meals;
• how much privacy or personal time each partner will have;
• how much time will be spent as a family;
• whether to have children, how many children, how will they be cared for, and what styles of child-rearing are acceptable.

Excerpted from -

http://www.lovemore.com/articles/plstyle.php

But we're in loooooooooove! All that other stuff isn't important and will sort itself out because we're in looooove and it's so perfect. We just need a great big huge bed so we can cluster- fuck every night and no one feels left out. Unless one of us isnt in the mood; we cant have sex unless it's all seven of us together at the same time. Also, it has to be a daisy-chain. Don't say anything that will ruin our fantasy of the perfect poly famblee or i'll get mad at you for judging us.

(this has been a public service announcement)

These two posts (one right after the other) made my laugh riotously!! I read River's post and was thinking, "But that sounds so complicated and... PLANNED." My naive idealist heart was rebelling in favor of spontaneity, simply being considerate of others and things just "clicking" into place. Then I read NK's response and was beyond amused at the extreme swing in my heart's direction!

I think "ideally" there is a happy medium we're all searching for. I'll tell you all something thing though, having spent nearly 3 months in a forced living situation with co-workers (at a remote construction camp) I am ultra-appreciative of living with my hubby & his GF. One of my "forced" room mates was so much the epitome of a rude, inconsiderate, filthy, disrespectful, crass, vulgar, indiscriminate, promiscuous, immature and disgusting individual that SHE was almost a living caricature. Nothing like stark contrast to make you appreciate what you DO have versus what you DON'T! I should thank her...
 
1 Year update!

Well it has been a fast and eventful year since I have moved in to RP's house. Surprisingly enough, there have been next to no issues related to co-habitation I am happy to say :) We seem to have come to a balance and understanding of what areas of household functioning we can share and each excel in.
RP's family has been extremely supportive and I believe are proud of her for building a loving environment for her son.

Recently I have been spending more time in PN's and her main living space due to a hot water tank flood that left my place without a kitchen or bathroom ( I live in the downstairs suite). This too has proven less stressful than I thought it would be and if anything has brought us closer together in many ways.

RP's son seems happier than ever and still finds it a novelty to come down stairs to hang out with me.

PN and I are two very different men but we also respect each other and enjoy hanging out for our own occasional night where we watch a movie and chat. We're as much family as many blood relatives I have.

All in all, we are all pretty happy, taking care of each other and becoming more of a family unit each day.

Who knows what is next for our happy little home!! :D
 
If you work with what you always have you will get what you have always gotten!

Terrible grammar I know but hopefully it gets the point across. Sometimes in life you need to grab life by the horns and just go for it.

If you all think it feels right then go for it.

If it doesn't try a re think.

x
 
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