How to make my boyfriend feel more valued?

Snic85

New member
I am married and in my first poly relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for about four months, and it's his first ploy relationship as well. My question is how do I make him feel like he is important to me and that I value our relationship?
I think he is having difficulty with the fact that we will never marry and raise a family together, and because of what it can never be he feels like his feelings, thoughts, and needs don't matter.
I haved expressed my concern with him and have told him that I want to know his needs and wants so I can try and meet them. His reply was that he doesn't want to be selfish and is afrade of causing issues with me and my husband. Will it just take time for him to adjust? for us to adjust? .

FYI my boyfriend is not with anyone else.
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There's really no way you can "make" him feel valued. You can be there for him, you can do everything you can to show him you love him; but it's up to him to believe and trust you.

I wouldn't exactly "encourage him into another relationship," but I'd make it clear that I had no issue with him dating or marrying another person. That being with you in no way takes away the possibility of living an outwardly normal life. He may not even realize that is an option. It might make him feel more secure to know he can have that, and be with you. And the longer he stays with you, the more he'll come to realize what he means to you and that this relationship really is serious to you.
 
I made my boyfriend feel valued because his home is becoming my (second) home.there is no reason he and I can't have a child in the future. No reason I can't treat him like a equal partner and live with him half my available time. He knows he's not just some secondary partner to me, but that he's just as important to me as a boyfriend as my husband is.
 
Several people here have pointed me towards the articles regarding "love languages". The thought behind the love language theory is that everyone expressed or trades love in one of a few ways. My way may not be your way and vice versa.

Find out which one he values the most and give it to him.
 
I am married and in my first poly relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for about four months, and it's his first ploy relationship as well. My question is how do I make him feel like he is important to me and that I value our relationship?

It's mostly his job to feel valued.

It's your job to actually be involved in a healthy and positive relationship. The hard part of any relationship is figuring out your needs. Does he need conversation? Physical affection? Activities (like dates?) or maybe life events (like meeting and greeting and being shown off to achieve social status?)? Shared time (cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc)? Kids?

I think he is having difficulty with the fact that we will never marry and raise a family together, and because of what it can never be he feels like his feelings, thoughts, and needs don't matter.

Okay, so the marriage part isn't legal (yet), but is the rest true? Will you never have a family together, and is that important to him?

I haved expressed my concern with him and have told him that I want to know his needs and wants so I can try and meet them. His reply was that he doesn't want to be selfish and is afrade of causing issues with me and my husband. Will it just take time for him to adjust? for us to adjust? .

FYI my boyfriend is not with anyone else.
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Maybe he doesn't know yet what his needs are. Those are the kinds of things that might not even be noticed until they aren't being filled.

If you've lived by yourself for a while you start realizing you have certain needs; when in a relationship those needs 'disappear' since they aren't negative spaces any more, but new needs appear.
 
I made my boyfriend feel valued because his home is becoming my (second) home.there is no reason he and I can't have a child in the future. No reason I can't treat him like a equal partner and live with him half my available time. He knows he's not just some secondary partner to me, but that he's just as important to me as a boyfriend as my husband is.

I agree with Inyourendo.

Murf gets equal consideration and treatment. If we had met 10 years earlier we could have had children together. His home is my home. He consults me on major life issues. Leans on me when times are tough. And vice versa.His wants and needs never come second. He is never treated as a secret.
 
We'll it doesn't matter now, he broke up with me by text. He said he needs to "work on himself before he can be in a relationship as deep as ours." So now I'm dealing with my first breakup in poly, just as my husband starts his first relationship. Ugh.... It really makes you think weather you want to put your heart out their again just to be crushed.

Btw he does have self esteem issues and he's divorced (9mos ago), and we have had trust issues just in the last week.
 
We'll it doesn't matter now, he broke up with me by text. He said he needs to "work on himself before he can be in a relationship as deep as ours." So now I'm dealing with my first breakup in poly, just as my husband starts his first relationship. Ugh.... It really makes you think weather you want to put your heart out their again just to be crushed.

Btw he does have self esteem issues and he's divorced (9mos ago), and we have had trust issues just in the last week.

Well that sucks! ((Hugs))
 
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