Peeves

HammerSoph

New member
My partner and I are fairly new to poly. We started in March and my partner has been in a committed relationship with a girl since then who used to be a mutual friend. I do not like my metamour, at all. We don't get along. The way they got together has scarred me massively and my instinct is to be misanthropic. I'm more mono than poly but wanted to explore sexually, so seeing my partner deeply in love with someone else has been hard. Particularly someone I don't like.

I knew this relationship change would change things a lot about our relationship, but didn't expect us to be having significantly less sex. Or that when we were home together (we live together) that he would be looking at his phone expectantly waiting for messages from her. It makes me feel very invisible. Trying to be empathetic and understanding to my partner, but I feel very lonely and increasingly disconnected from him. This is likely my own doing.

On my part, I am dating a lot. Have dated about 14 people since March. Some single dates. Some 2-3 dates. But none have stuck. Some potential on the horizon but yeah. Not yet.

I'm in this negative space at the moment and I need some help. I know that adding more people won't fix the issues we have in our primary relationship, but I'm hoping if I can find solace/happiness in others and have some sex(!) that I will be a lot happier generally.

So what I'm asking is: Have people been in a similar position to the above? What reassurances have you asked of from your primary partner that have worked for you? What advice would you give?
 
If you want more sex, you should ask for it. If you want him to not be checking his phone all the time when he is with you, let him know that you'd like some limits set on electronics when you are together doing something. If I were on a date - whether it was one of my husbands or just a rando - obsessive checking of phones would cause me to get up and leave. I am there to share company, not be an afterthought.

It sounds like you may be in Poly Hell. You may want to do some reading about that.

Let him know you are starting to feel disconnected, and brainstorm some things you can do together to rebuild that intimacy!
 
Hi HammerSoph,

It sounds to me like you are getting the short end of the stick here, although I don't think he is doing it on purpose. I wouldn't suggest bringing it all up at one time, but at a first time, say something like, "It seems to me like we aren't having sex as often, and that bothers me." Then at a second time (after the first thing has been discussed thoroughly), say something like, "When we are together, just you and me, I need it to be just us. It bothers me when you're checking your phone all the time." Then give that time to be thoroughly discussed.

If something takes more than an hour to discuss, take a break and come back to it. Agree to a date and time when you'll both be feeling well and not distracted. Communication is important, and quality is more important than quantity.

If you're willing, I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going, and we'll try to think of further advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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