Heartbroken and Hopeless

onemoreblue

New member
I'm a bit heartbroken and lost right now. Over the last year I have come out to my husband that I am poly. He had accepted this and allowed new relationships. Hi current boundaries were for now, until he had some time to get all of this straight, no oral or intercourse. The rest, the emotional, kissing, flirting etc were all fine. About 6 months ago a poly friend of mine and I started to slowly become more. We became very close, but our distance was the main issue, we are 1400 miles apart. We spoke daily and spent time together online. With in the last week however everything changed and fell appart.

My poly partner out of no where said I can't talk with you or spend time with you anymore online. I realized I want you, but I want you to myself. I will not take you away from your husband and children and if I stay I will. I am just so blindsided by this. I just don't know where this all came from. It was literally, "I'll see you on later tonight?" to a few hours later, "it is over I'm leaving to protect you from me"

I'm so torn because I loved both men. Of course I feel a duty and have a responsibility to my children so my husband outweighs a 6 month relationship with a man I have only known for a year but in that time I did fall for him. He is also married and has children and has been poly and has other relationships outside of ours as well. I just always felt we were friends who knew if things were different we could be more. I guess I was wrong! He is a very calculated and methodical man so this is all very out of character for him which is making it all the more confusing.

In a way I'm feeling some slight resentment toward my husband because I feel had he been able to accept a physical aspect that my partner and I would have been able to connect more completely and not cause this rift between us. I know rationally this isn't likely the cause but I'm struggling with it non the less.

I'm certainly feeling hopeless that the idea that any man is going to every really be able to love me and share me is a pipe dream. Am I insane, is it really as hopeless as I feel? I mean if the love of my life and an actively poly partner can't come to terms to share me ... What are my chances lol?
 
One thing I don't understand in your situation, and I think this affects how i read the rest of your account. So I feel the need to clarify before commenting further.

Your "poly partner", who is the person who lives far away from you says that he wants you alone and doesn't want to share you? How is that statement in any way compatible with being poly? Did the other person accept that you were not going to be leaving your husband, and were looking for a true poly relationship? Why did that change?

Because as I see this, this has nothing to do with your husband or his restrictions, or you being poly, but has to do with this other person changing his mind and expecting you to change along with him.
 
No you read it right. This is why I am so confused, stunned really. My husband Jeremy and my friend Matt. Matt was a friend who helped me with his experience of coming out to his wife as poly with advice and things to expect. We was a bit of a mentor to me while I was coming out. After about 6 months we started finding we cared for each other more than just friends and admitted we had desires to be with each other intimately.

I get that this is all him but really I don't get how it happen lol. He is poly, he has a wife, children, and other open poly relationships. How all of a sudden he is jealous of my husband and wants me to himself came about is just insane to me. I asked him if I said sure, fuck the hubby, fuck the kids, do I get him to myself, or do I still have to accept the wife,the kids and the other poly relationships. He never responded. I'm just so very confused and don't know how I could have felt I known him so well and all of a sudden be blindsided by something that seems to me to be completely insanely out of left field.
 
This was some advice he gave me when I confided in him my frustration that often I ended up in the friend zone with potential partners because of one reason or another.

- You're friend zoned because there are few men willing to share you with a husband. *While many talk a great deal about wanting unattached sex, or their comfort with you being married, most are not. *Men are notorious for wanting things to themselves. *The knowledge that they'll never have that, even if they only think they might want it in the distant future, is enough to keep you at a distance and prevent that desired/loved feeling you're looking for. *Even now, any relationship you get into, even if you're exceptionally careful, carries with it the risk that that man is looking for more than you've offered. *Be conscientious about this and maintain your communication with Jeremy, especially when it's hard or uncomfortable... the minute you let something slip, the easier it gets to let other things slip until eventually you're no longer poly, but just selfish and cheating on your husband

Only after he came out and exclaimed he felt this way did I even connect he might have been talking about himself.

Five hours later I got this ... "I've come to realize that I don't really want to share you. *The options that leaves me are limited."

Just was blindsided. I never expected him of all people to not accept my being poly.
 
OK, then I did read it right :)

I can understand why you are confused - he helped you with advice and support through your own journey into poly, and then effectively has pulled the rug out from under your feet.

So if I were you I would be patient, and wait to see if this guy can get his act straight and work out exactly what we wants. It sounds like you and your husband have got something that is consistent and stable and you have been able to work things out.
 
It has all been email. However all other lines of communication have stopped too. I'm fairly certain in it him it has been a complete stop of communication after a few emails back and forth trying to understand the sudden realization from someone who is so calculated and methodical.
 
This was some advice he gave me when I confided in him my frustration that often I ended up in the friend zone with potential partners because of one reason or another.

- You're friend zoned because there are few men willing to share you with a husband. *While many talk a great deal about wanting unattached sex, or their comfort with you being married, most are not. *Men are notorious for wanting things to themselves. *The knowledge that they'll never have that, even if they only think they might want it in the distant future, is enough to keep you at a distance and prevent that desired/loved feeling you're looking for. *Even now, any relationship you get into, even if you're exceptionally careful, carries with it the risk that that man is looking for more than you've offered. *Be conscientious about this and maintain your communication with Jeremy, especially when it's hard or uncomfortable... the minute you let something slip, the easier it gets to let other things slip until eventually you're no longer poly, but just selfish and cheating on your husband

6 hours later "I've come to realize that I don't really want to share you. *The options that leaves me are limited."
 
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Correct. We met about a year ago in a online video game of all things. We because friends pretty quickly and he spoke to me about being poly. I was struggling with coming to terms with my feeling and it was causing a fairly deep depression and rift between my husband and I. I never thoug my husband could understand how I felt. About 5 years ago I tried to convince him to share me not knowing it was called poly then and it ended poorly, being younger and much less educated. When I spoke to Matt about all this he encouraged me to open the lines of communication again and I did. Things with my hubby are fantastic and really have never been better. Matt and I spoke nearly daily and played the game together. We emailed, chatted and spoke via voice chat. We have exchanged a few pictures and had plans to perhaps meet over he summer this year with some of our other friends from the game. I tend to be a fairly good judge of character and I never felt lied to or deceived. This all just seems to out of character and abrupt.
 
Ah the online thing ... my current boyfriend Lin and I had that as well. We met online and fell in love during years of spending time together via the net. The only advice I can give you is to meet in person as soon as possible. Maybe all the things going on between you is just what it seems to be as long as the physical contact isn't established. When Lin and I met again after meeting once before, I was extremely nervous because it is about the actual in person contact that determins if you will be able to pull any relationship off. As long as you are unsure about that part, it doesn't really make sense to think about possible relationships and the like.

Secondly the hypocritical part. Do his other relationships work like that as well? Or is it something he is only experiencing in regard to you?
 
He and I never discussed his other relationships in detail. His main contention that I was able to get was what he wanted from me specifically was a full time D/s relationship. Not just in the bedroom but complete submission. The fact that I am married and a mother completely rule me out from this. He knew I was married, he knew I had kids, he knew I was poly. So why he would imagine this as a viable option for us to explore I have no idea but according to him this was the only way he wanted a full relationship with me. I've come to realize it doesn't really make any sense and I don't think he had all his ducks in a row if you will and simply just had no idea what he really wanted from me and it was easier to say I didn't fit the mold of what he wanted. He HAS to be in control that is just him so I feel this was just a way for him to end things on his terms. I really don't even know what to expect next. In general I feel like what I am hoping for is insane because if someone who says they are poly and who seemed to have their act together as much as he did couldn't keep it all straight and be open minded ... Man I feel like I am looking for the impossible. I know it is just one relationship but this isn't the first time I have got to the point where they fell for me but then decided they couldn't share. /sigh
 
I really don't even know what to expect next.
What do you mean? Are you just hanging on, hoping he will change his mind? You had an online thing with this guy for a few months and it didn't work out. You don't even know how you would have felt about him if you had met him in person. Honey, stop the pity party and make a choice - ya gotta pick yourself up and move on! Things will get better.
 
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nycindie, I think she means the next one. Her last line says he's not the first one.

onemoreblue, if I were calculating and methodical (and a mean Dom to boot) I would do exactly what he did, with intent to make you hurt (or submit, I guess).
Just wanted to point out that I don't see any disconnect between 'calculating and methodical' and what you describe him doing. It seems that you think this is outside his normal 'calculating and methodical.' I did read you said out of character, and I'll take your word for that.

Perhaps I've seen one too many stories here about bad doms doing abusive things.

It's very unfortunate that lots of people 'know' things up front, but choose to ignore them, and then go a little nutty down the line.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
 
Thank you that is some very good insight and I hadn't considered this was all part of making me submit. We run in a gaming community that there is a good chance we may run into one another again, and when he wrote saying he was leaving it was all very open ended. No finality to it. Which was all the more confusing at the time. He said things like, "I'm leaving this server (that we play on together) for a few weeks, maybe longer," and he hasn't left the community pages that would require him to come back to be a part of. He was never cruel or mean in his letters just that he was protecting me, from him, his wants, his desirers and if I were to submit to him, those would be my wants, my desirers. And he wouldn't do that to my children or my husband. I'm not mad at him. I understand what he is saying. I just simply and hurt by the fact that he would feel the need to give up our year long friendship because he can't have an unrealistic intamate relationship with me. As for what to expect next it was both. I don't know if he will come back in a few weeks or more, like he said, or what he'd expect things to be if he did. As well as the idea for the future. About 7 years ago was my first attempt at merging two love interests and that man left, servered all communication with me, moved out of state, and it was all very sudden like this. I'm afraid I'll continue to feel this pain of falling, trusting, and loss. He also knew I was involved and in love well before we got to that stage, I was clear I'd not leave my primary, yet we moved forward and it all snapped.

This was the first time since I felt okay enough to try again. I learned about poly and had more resources, not to mention he was poly himself and was mentoring me in a way offering advice and things to expect. I'm not waiting 7 years again. There were a few guys that have been interested but I unfortunately had been neglecting a bit with all the consuming communication between Him and I. So I been dating. My husband set up a date for us about a week before all this blew up and I felt very comfortable with the guy. I'm just not sure intellectually we will be a match. He's very pretty to look at however and nice to touch ... lol and I have a date coming up the weekend after next with another guy who seems to have good potential.

I'm not going to dwell in self pity I am however feeling a bit hopeless.

-A
 
Sorry for your painful disappointment. I disagree w some of Matt's take on the friend zone. It might be true that some guys want an open path to exclusivity, but many guys (myself included) would prefer a married woman in a stable relationship because that's the sort of woman who is unlikely to threaten their own marriage. I know it's hard to feel hopeful when you're dealing w the acute pain, but I think there's reason to be optimistic. Send me PM if you want to hear more of my thoughts. Good luck.
 
Update

So to give an update ... After a few days I sent him an email basically saying I accepted it was over. I thanked him for the happiness he gave me in the time we had and I wished him love ...

Then he came back. Since then I also started a blog to try and help me process all this ... http://poly-a.tumblr.com/

Over the last few days he has tried to say he was okay sharing now, he wa claiming me as owner, and I told him simply I no longer trust him enough for that to happen. We talked for hours last night and I asked he give me time to build trust with him again, he finally said, "fuck off. I am done with you"

So done again just as quickly as he returned. I'm torn because I was in love, I'm confused and I believe it was because I was manipulated, and I'm hurt and scared that this will make me hide from my desire to love more ... I know pain is the yang to love, so by accepting the love I accept the pain... It just seems a little harder every time.
 
It certainly sounds like manipulation and game-playing to me.

And it sounds like, while it may be painful right now, having him not in your life is the best for you.
 
Sounds like a lemon of a lover in general. Anyone who would claim you without your consent is probably doing something wrong w.r.t. kink as well. You're right not to trust him. You were manipulated. Do not allow him to resume contact next time. He'll try to worm his way back in; the trick is to put up a wall without cracks.

It's hard, but I believe you have the strength to do it. Hang in there.
 
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