New guy could use some help

NamesRHard

New member
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the site and the lifestyle. Ours isn't polamory really, we're just calling it opening up our marriage. So hopefully this is ok to post. Partially because we're not sure what to call it yet. So first some quick background. About a month ago my wife expressed wanting to open things up and we had talked in the past. So we agreed to move forward. She wants the excitement and adventure of sex with someone else. I could take it or leave it, it's exciting but I'm not dead set on it. For her it's practically a need right now, which is ok.

So I feel I should mention that we have a great marriage and she's the most trustworthy person I know. I have no fear of her lying to me. She's already had a one night stand and is now pursuing someone she'd like to be a friend with benefits. When she went and had sex with the first guy, I was kind of a mess. I was way more jealous than I thought I'd be. Logically I was fine with it, but my emotions went crazy. For the whole week after I couldn't shake images in my head or negative thoughts and feelings.

She on the other hand was amazing, she said she felt like she left it all there and only thought about how much she wanted me. After she got home we had sex and she said it was great, like she had a warm up and came home for the real thing.

Now that she's interested in this other guy I can feel some jealousy bubbling up because she's planning to sleep with him next time they meet. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be ok with it because I know she loves me and isn't going anywhere. She's literally just in it for the sex and adventure. She encourages me to do the same but I have a harder time meeting people.

Any tips for how I can not feel so anxious,jealous, and hurt while she's out and when she gets home. This turns her on and she loves the idea of coming home and having sex with me. I love it too, but I feel like I'm subconsciously sabotaging things.
 
In your case ... I think you could just give it time. Basically with more experience the turmoil will be less, but you can't jump the gun.

Ask wife if she is willing to go really slowly. If the first time you were a mess for a week from a one-night stand, maybe her starting a fwb relationship is too much of a jump. Maybe a one-night stand once a month is all you can handle at this point. (Of course your wife has no obligation to slow down, but there's a good chance it will make the transition easier.)

The next time she's out, be ready for negative feelings to come up, and welcome them with compassion and curiosity. Do not drown into negativity, some detachment is needed, but very gently investigate and self-soothe. They are your fears and insecurities and they carry information about stuff that is important to you, about past hurts and traumas, about your deep beliefs and your shadow, and they ask you to become a more integrated human being. They can tell you a lot about yourself (your self-image, your preferences, your values, etc.), your relationship and your desired future.

If you do that, if you work on your hangups one on one, slowly they will subside, and as a byproduct you will learn a lot. But this is a process. Treat 'becoming comfortable with open' like your personal development project for the next year.

You also have the option to just distract and do something engaging while your wife is gone, like being out with your friends, so that you do NOT have to look at these feelings - and that is often a good option, especially if you struggle with envy. But if you never investigate, you are sweeping discomfort under the rug.

Do I make sense? ;)
 
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Hello NamesRHard,
In case it will help, here are some jealousy links:

Your first step is to try to identify what lies beneath your jealousy, what is causing it. Is it conditioning? Do you have a fear that your wife will develop feelings for one of these other guys? Is it something else? There are many possible causes. What are the thoughts that come to your mind while you are experiencing the jealousy? They may provide clues about what makes up the emotional structure for you.

Like Tinwen said, you can also provide yourself with distractions, and, be hopeful that the jealousy will get easier to bear over time, as you get used to this open thing. I would encourage you to keep us posted on this thread as your situation evolves. This way we can give you updated thoughts and feedback.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for the replies. It's nice to have some input from others. I do know some of the underlying causes of my jealousy. For example I have some insecurities and self esteem issues. This causes me to fish for compliments and reassurance from my wife and that's not good because it irritates her.

So I'm gonna read those links because I think knowledge is power and the more I can learn the better.

Also thanks for inviting me to keep you all updated, I will do my best to check in with progress.
 
That sounds good, you are already partway there in that you have identified those insecurities and self-esteem issues. Keep digging, look for exactly what makes you feel insecure and why, and look for exactly what takes away from your self-esteem. You might also want to look into if and how you are affected when she gets irritated at you. That can have an effect. If you ask directly (rather than fishing) for reassurance, that is a reasonable request and I would think she'd be glad to help out in that way.
 
Add another "easy does it" to the recommendations.

It took years to work out how my wife and I were going to approach it, before I had my first lover. In fact, I put things off again and again because I felt we weren't prepared. Despite her making the offer repeatedly.

I want to mention this:

I have a hard time meeting people

Well no kidding. You're the guy.

My wife is a great wing girl. But neither me nor my lover likes her in the bedroom with us. It is a great way for us to meet prospective partners though. Then my lover and I can meet separately, with the full knowledge of my wife.

This should not be a thing where one person has fun and the other pines away. My wife is going to make sure I am getting laid, no matter where I am, lol. And I make sure she has money. It's a pretty simple formula.

I don't need gambling or alcohol or horses or the Elks Club. What do you like to do? It would help to be doing whatever it is you like best on her nites out instead of just watching TV or whatever. If mine has a big wad of cash in her hands she just doesn't seem to worry about what I am up to, lol.
 
Ours isn't polymory really, we're just calling it opening up our marriage.

So what open model do you agree to practice together? Like a 1a or a 2b or more like....? That article is a starting point to a conversation perhaps.

Do you prefer one where it's not casual NSA sex? Me? I don't care for swinging or casual NSA sex. It's fine for other people if they dig that. But I don't dig it. Just because you are up for some Open models doesn't mean you are up for ALL of them.

So maybe the problem is not being clear about what kind of "Open" you are doing?

When she went and had sex with the first guy, I was kind of a mess. I was way more jealous than I thought I'd be. Logically I was fine with it, but my emotions went crazy. For the whole week after I couldn't shake images in my head or negative thoughts and feelings.

Well, if my spouse suddenly got into swinging or one offs? It would turn me off. I would NOT be fine with it. I am ok with him dating to seek a serious partner and him having another lover like that. But casual sex stuff would turn me off.

Or maybe it wasn't the casual sex that bothers you but hearing too many details about it. Is that it? In her excitement she overshares TMI and it bugs you?

She on the other hand was amazing, she said she felt like she left it all there and only thought about how much she wanted me. After she got home we had sex and she said it was great, like she had a warm up and came home for the real thing.

That framing of it would bother me. Like she's using these other people as living dildos or something. Then coming to me to finish her off. So am *I* being used too? It's all about her getting off?

I do know some of the underlying causes of my jealousy. For example I have some insecurities and self esteem issues.

Framing it like she did above would simply turn me off. It's not that I'm insecure or lack self esteem. I just don't care for that.

This causes me to fish for compliments and reassurance from my wife and that's not good because it irritates her.

Well... what are you needing reassurances on?

Because if it were me and my spouse changed his behavior and told me he's using people to get "warmed up" to have sex with me? *I* don't need that kind of warm up. I'd rather just share sex with my spouse and be together. ALONE. No extra people -- as "warm ups" or otherwise.

If spouse gets all hot and bothered elsewhere as a "warm up" then he can finish over there with them. Be present with them. Or finish on his own with masturbating. I would not want to be the "last act." I don't get turned on by that.

I'd honestly look at my spouse differently too. Like who ARE you? This is no longer us having the same or similar values around sex. It would be too different for me. I would be seeking reassurance that they are still who I thought they were and still value sex the same way. And if not?

It wouldn't be jealousy feelings to deal with. It would be change and having to look at him through new eyes and dealing with those feelings. I'm not sure I'd like this "new him." It would mean we have become incompatible because now he wants stuff I don't want or enjoy.

Feelings of "I don't know my own spouse any more" would bother me. So would this... Once you put me in the "real deal" category and those other people as "not real people?" I'm not comfortable with that. It seems to devalue them. And what happens when another "real deal comes along" or I no longer qualify for the "real deal" category? Then what?

So I would suggest you do some soul searching.

If you LIKE casual sex, and the problem is going too fast? That is the problem? And she's all "kid in candy store" like you opened last week and she leapt to a one night stand thing, and now is leaping on to a FWB thing? And you need to her to take it easy and slow it down some, and spend some time with you too rather than acting like time spent with you is irritating or inconvenient? Speak up.

If you want to do Open, but you disagree on what open model(s) you want to practice together? That is the problem? PAUSE and sort that out first.

If you want to do Open, but hear LESS about her other stuff? You only want to know she's safe and using safer sex practices? You do not want to hear a play-by-play of each encounter because for you that is TMI that leads to your brain painting images you don't want to deal in? You could sort out your info management. What is "news" you need to know and what is just TMI.

If it's that casual NSA sex is a deal breaker for you? You'd are game for polyamorous relationships but not a string of casual encounters? Then you guys might not longer be compatible. You cannot tell her what to do with her body. You can tell you what YOU are up for and not up for. It may not that you are jealous or insecure. It may be that this kind of "Open" situation is just not your cup of tea.

So talk this out. Figure out what it is you have on your hands. I know your feelings are a jumble right now. But try to think and sort it out.

Galagirl
 
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NRH ...Hi and welcome to the forum

About a month ago my wife expressed wanting to open things up and we had talked in the past. So we agreed to move forward. She wants the excitement and adventure of sex with someone else. I could take it or leave it, it's exciting but I'm not dead set on it. For her it's practically a need right now, which is ok.

Word of caution....it’s really really hard to put the genie back in the bottle if you discover this isn’t for you.

So I feel I should mention that we have a great marriage and she's the most trustworthy person I know. I have no fear of her lying to me. She's already had a one night stand and is now pursuing someone she'd like to be a friend with benefits. When she went and had sex with the first guy, I was kind of a mess. I was way more jealous than I thought I'd be. Logically I was fine with it, but my emotions went crazy. For the whole week after I couldn't shake images in my head or negative thoughts and feelings.

Because at this point your actual relationship style is undefined and labeled as open it might be premature to say that the great marriage that you had is over and what comes next / what’s built next is a whole new adventure. But with her identifying this as a need it might be safe to start thinking like that. Better to readjust expectations now than to be run over later.

She on the other hand was amazing, she said she felt like she left it all there and only thought about how much she wanted me. After she got home we had sex and she said it was great, like she had a warm up and came home for the real thing.

I’m not going to say what your wife told you was completely untrue but it wouldn’t be the first time that a spouse told the struggling partner an exaggerated version could of the true. And if you think this is how it will be with the next guy or guy she really really falls for you’re in for a tough ride.

Gala has brought up of the topic of being the last act....you might want to play the what if game here. What if you’re used as the fluffier. What if after some phone sex or sexting you become the stunt penis. Personally I very much disliked that idea. To me it seemed fake or disingenuous.


Now that she's interested in this other guy I can feel some jealousy bubbling up because she's planning to sleep with him next time they meet. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be ok with it because I know she loves me and isn't going anywhere. She's literally just in it for the sex and adventure. She encourages me to do the same but I have a harder time meeting people.

Any tips for how I can not feel so anxious,jealous, and hurt while she's out and when she gets home. This turns her on and she loves the idea of coming home and having sex with me. I love it too, but I feel like I'm subconsciously sabotaging things.


I think you need to focus on the adventure part ...the fun future and let the normal slowly take over. No one kills jealousy in one or 2 dates. It decreases over time.
 
Having started from a similar point as you I felt initially similar about not wanting to sabotage things and had some problems of anxiety and jealousy.

The lifestyle changes was something we BOTH wanted and had discussed a lot but when Angel took the first step first I was still surprised that I was jealous.

So from my experience it's something you have to work on. The links you have been given really helped me. Talking to people here is fabulous too that helped me a lot. With time the jealously abates and hopefully as in our case disappears and is eventually replaced by positivity. These days I feel happy and warm for Angel if she is with a lover knowing she is in a happy place too.

You must not rush things too quickly or faster than you can manage. For instance if your wife staying away for the night is too difficult at first, then maybe just do it for 4 hours. If four hours is to long to manage start with 2.

On a really practical level when Angel was away at first I had all that time carefully planned out with lots of activity I wanted to do. I even had cheery relaxing playlists ready made. Box sets ready. Pizza planned. She did similar things when I was away.

Also don't think you will immediately work out what shape your new "open" relationship will take. That takes time for you both to work out what you want. And, you have to keep talking about it. Talk about what's working and what isn't. We both found that what we both initially thought we wanted or needed was not where we are now and looking back we realise we were wrong. Don't worry about that or get hung up about labels either.
 
I think you could be wary. We all make mistakes when we first open a formerly mono relationship.

I also think, if you know you have low self esteem, thinking about your wife fucking other guys isn't going to be fun. Consider therapy to work on childhood issues that led to your low self esteem. You can ask you wife to reassure you she still loves and desires you. She can tell you, she can show you, but your low self esteem will still lead to comparisons and fear of losing her to someone "better."

She's already gone from a one night stand to a FWB. That's such a vague term... we tried to define it once in a thread here, but there is no set definition.

But I can tell you that if your wife truly wants a monoamorous (just you and her in love), but polysexual relationship (her having casual sex with others, but no love "allowed," only "friendship"), she might have to work hard to achieve and maintain that balance.

Having sex with people leads to feelings. Now, many gay men and swinging MF couples do manage to keep it "casual." Either completely anonymous: blowjob in the gay bar bathroom, or somewhat friendly but not deep friendships.

I don't know how they do this, since I find it soooo easy to love. But they do things like this: different partner every time. No kissing. No looking into each others' eyes. No non-sexual cuddling. If it's a regular sex partner, no dates that are non-sexual (no dinners, no shopping, no movie watching, no long walks to nowhere, no long conversations that last til the wee hours, no "romance" like candles and sitting by a fire, no daily texting, etc.). I have heard that swingers do form friendships with other swingers, but that world is very MF couple-centric, and there's a rule not to threaten those relationships. However, it does happen that swingers fall in love with a sex partner/friend, despite their rules made to prevent emotional intimacy. We get people in this situation coming here all the time.

And I would hazard a guess, a sleepover would be right out, unless it was a drunken one night hookup, pass out after sex, throw on clothes and leave in the morning taking your hangover with you, overnight...

So, I think you and your wife should be aware that, despite her best intentions, a regular FWB could turn into a lover, if she's starting these overnight dates.

Oh and the other thing... I somewhat disagree with others here who are scolding your wife for telling you her hookup fluffed her for you. So what? And so what if you have sex with her before she goes to someone else, and you fluff her for him? This kind of stuff happens! It's not a nightmare.

My gf and I (a poly couple for almost 10 years) have experienced NRE for others many times over the years. Sometimes the NRE for a new guy just revs up my sex drive across the board. So I then want more sex from my gf, i need to masturbate more, I want to look at more porn or read more erotica, etc. I don't sex shame. Our libidos are deep personal things. The more sex I have, the more I want. If I am not getting enough sex from my partner(s) (say, I don't have a bf, and my gf has been sick or depressed or distracted with a life event), even if I feel horny, I tend to masturbate less, or have a harder time cumming when I do!

So, expect the unexpected when your wife is experimenting, as far as her, and your, libidos, is my recommendation.
 
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Oh and the other thing... I somewhat disagree with others here who are scolding your wife for telling you her hookup fluffed her for you. So what? And so what if you have sex with her before she goes to someone else, and you fluff her for him? This kind of stuff happens! It's not a nightmare.

I think Magdlyn states this well - and this really is very much a situation that varies by individual, and couples that are opening up their marriage all have to handle the sexual interactions in their own way. Both "Opening Up" and "Ethical Slut" address this issue - the sexual energies created by new partners feeding back to the primary relationship - with both references saying essentially the same thing - works great for some, not so well for others. Go with what works.

In my case, my wife asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. I eventually agreed for them to have a sexual relationship - and the sex that they had definitely energized our sex life as well. Two years into this, she still loves getting to have sex with both of us on the same day (usually comes home from a date with him to have sex with me - the sex is always hot and her orgasms always extra intense). However, the reverse is not true for her when I have been with my girl friend - still kind of bothers her a bit. Situations vary - but ultimately - as Maglyn said "so what" -- no big deal.

Hope all is going well! Al
 
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