Likeapanda101
New member
So i feel like my problem might not be relatable to people on here, but I don't know where else to talk about this.
So for a few years I've been super curious about polyamory. It just makes sense to me, it makes sense for my needs, and I figured I wasn't the jealous type so it would be a relatively easy transition. What I didn't consider is my tendency to be overly insecure.
So I started dating this guy, and things have been going AMAZING. It was one of those things where we met and felt like we knew each other forever. At the beggining, I mentioned how I was pretty sure a poly relationship is something I needed. He told me that he had a rough experience with being led on by this girl and basically being her back-up. Because of that, he wanted a casual relationship for now. To him that meant pretty much everything out of a normal relationship, but not any pressure on the future, and he didn't want to put to much emotional reliance. Some was okay, but he didn't want for example to vent all his problems and rely on me in case things fall apart. That seemed super reasonable to me, since that takes time anyways and I figured I'd be around by the time he was ready. He told me in return he's cool with me being poly so I could find support elsewhere if he wasn't ready to be there for me, but if things got serious we might go over what her or not polyamory has a place in our relationship. While going over boundaries and stuff, he basically said he's cool with me being poly, but he can't see himself dating other people and if we get serious he's not sure he could deal with a poly relationship. This i was cool with, because I didnt know how things would go and there's a chance he might give me everything I need in the future so I could be fine with that.
We've been together a few weeks now. We've grown super close super quick. He ended up venting to me one night, and I felt like he was trusting me to be in his life, and it felt amazing and made my anxieties about the casualness go away.
Today he casually mentioned he has a date with a girl. At first I was confused because he said he didn't feel any desire to date multiple people. Then I wondered, is he just curious how it feels or is there something he feels is lacking with me?
That's when it dawned on me, in the years of wondering if poly would work for me I didn't think about how I'd feel if my partner has an actual girlfriend. I keep thinking about having to share him, and it feels so bad. I keep asking myself what's making me jealous and what I would need in order to feel more comfortable here, but I'm not sure anything would. I know things are casual now, but I want to be the one he sticks with when he's ready to commit. I feel this absolute weight- I might not be poly. I've been thinking selfishly about my needs, and I don't know what to do. I feel like the tables have turned and I can't go back. Like, what if he decided to be poly because of me but now I'm not and I have to stick with it for him? Am I just over reacting or is my reaction normal for a newbie poly??
I know I have no right to get this upset when he's doing what I would've done and we're still new and casual, but also I feel like he should still be so in the new relationship giddyness that a date doesn't seem ideal. I turned down a few dates because i felt like it was too soon to add someone else, i just don't get whats going on with him, and I can't talk to him till I'm more level headed and have thought this through. Any ideas what's going on with him/ any explanations for how I'm feeling?
So for a few years I've been super curious about polyamory. It just makes sense to me, it makes sense for my needs, and I figured I wasn't the jealous type so it would be a relatively easy transition. What I didn't consider is my tendency to be overly insecure.
So I started dating this guy, and things have been going AMAZING. It was one of those things where we met and felt like we knew each other forever. At the beggining, I mentioned how I was pretty sure a poly relationship is something I needed. He told me that he had a rough experience with being led on by this girl and basically being her back-up. Because of that, he wanted a casual relationship for now. To him that meant pretty much everything out of a normal relationship, but not any pressure on the future, and he didn't want to put to much emotional reliance. Some was okay, but he didn't want for example to vent all his problems and rely on me in case things fall apart. That seemed super reasonable to me, since that takes time anyways and I figured I'd be around by the time he was ready. He told me in return he's cool with me being poly so I could find support elsewhere if he wasn't ready to be there for me, but if things got serious we might go over what her or not polyamory has a place in our relationship. While going over boundaries and stuff, he basically said he's cool with me being poly, but he can't see himself dating other people and if we get serious he's not sure he could deal with a poly relationship. This i was cool with, because I didnt know how things would go and there's a chance he might give me everything I need in the future so I could be fine with that.
We've been together a few weeks now. We've grown super close super quick. He ended up venting to me one night, and I felt like he was trusting me to be in his life, and it felt amazing and made my anxieties about the casualness go away.
Today he casually mentioned he has a date with a girl. At first I was confused because he said he didn't feel any desire to date multiple people. Then I wondered, is he just curious how it feels or is there something he feels is lacking with me?
That's when it dawned on me, in the years of wondering if poly would work for me I didn't think about how I'd feel if my partner has an actual girlfriend. I keep thinking about having to share him, and it feels so bad. I keep asking myself what's making me jealous and what I would need in order to feel more comfortable here, but I'm not sure anything would. I know things are casual now, but I want to be the one he sticks with when he's ready to commit. I feel this absolute weight- I might not be poly. I've been thinking selfishly about my needs, and I don't know what to do. I feel like the tables have turned and I can't go back. Like, what if he decided to be poly because of me but now I'm not and I have to stick with it for him? Am I just over reacting or is my reaction normal for a newbie poly??
I know I have no right to get this upset when he's doing what I would've done and we're still new and casual, but also I feel like he should still be so in the new relationship giddyness that a date doesn't seem ideal. I turned down a few dates because i felt like it was too soon to add someone else, i just don't get whats going on with him, and I can't talk to him till I'm more level headed and have thought this through. Any ideas what's going on with him/ any explanations for how I'm feeling?