Negotiating Rules

Are you looking for a checklist? I'm not all together clear on what you're asking for. I don't know if there is anything like that out there because what it tends to come down to is what everyone involved is comfortable with. Rules tend to relax over time as well. I don't think I've been much help.

-Derby
 
yea, a checklist perhaps ... I'm having a hard time even just finding a list of sexual behaviors outlined on the internet. You would think that wouldn't be too difficult.

So yea, I'm looking for a list of sexual behaviors to negotiate and I guess a list of examples of rules/boundaries.
 
ummmm...in reference to what? Like what you allow your partner to do with others?...or are you getting into the kinky side of thing to?

I think you will find most checklists are too generic. If you take even basic acts

Dating
Kissing
Fondling

Each of those is different for each couple/person. Dating for my wife and I is something we have always done. We hang out and go out with people individually all the time. Kissing is something we don't have a problem doing with others. But lots of people have that as off limits.

You may have to conjure one up for yourself.
 
When my hubby and I were first talking about what would be allowed (it was our first foray into poly afterall) we actually spent time describing and coming to a consensus about how WE were to define physical acts. Everyone has different ideas as to what constitutes what, even for the most basic terms. I had a boyfriend who thought "making out" was having sex!

As I was the one with an interest in someone else, I let my husband tell me what he was comfortable with at the time and then if I had questions or felt he left anything out, I just asked him, "well what about this?" As time went on, the boundary changed until he was comfortable with the idea of my having sexual intercourse with this other person...probably should have a chat with him again to see if this was just with Elric or with any gent I happen to develop a relationship with.

It's all about communication. Sometimes it's easy once you get started talking about it. Whatever you do, do not worry about "fine tuning" everything. Just a good general or semi-specific definition that you both can agree upon is great.

Good luck!
 
Hi Firewalker :)

Here's our "rule"..........

"Rules" are a tinfoil shelter that offer the weak and thoughtless a false sense of security. Until the first good wind comes along.

We want nothing to do with "rules" !

Instead what we want & need are love, kindness, compassion & thoughtfulness (awareness).

If you can surround yourself with that and ACT in that manner a need for false shelters goes away.

I'd be careful of "rules". As we all know & say - rules are meant to be broken. And usually are because we can't have the foresight to see every possible combination of circumstances that life may throw at us.

But we CAN always choose our actions with the best intent for all concerned.

GS
 
Hi Firewalker :)

Here's our "rule"..........

"Rules" are a tinfoil shelter that offer the weak and thoughtless a false sense of security. Until the first good wind comes along.

We want nothing to do with "rules" !

Instead what we want & need are love, kindness, compassion & thoughtfulness (awareness).

If you can surround yourself with that and ACT in that manner a need for false shelters goes away.

I'd be careful of "rules". As we all know & say - rules are meant to be broken. And usually are because we can't have the foresight to see every possible combination of circumstances that life may throw at us.

But we CAN always choose our actions with the best intent for all concerned.

GS

I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby
 
I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby

Good point Derby..things like fluid bonding do reruire certain safety rules I believe.

I get what GS is saying though..if we act out of compassion and awareness the necessity to have rules for the most part is negated.
 
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/SIZE]

The book "Opening Up" had an exhaustive list. It was a lifesaver for us.
Everytime we tried to think about it we all got that "uh, duh" look on our faces cause our minds went blank.

The book had a GREAT checklist-pages and pages and pages long.
 
Pages 121-152.... Thought I'd add that in case you could find a "see a specific page" detail somewhere (sometimes Amazon has that feature for books).

;)

Good luck!
 
We had a whole set of rules laid out at the beginning of our relationship... They worked for the time they were in and were helpful. Check the first posts I had on here a year ago. There was a lot on boundaries I believe. We made our own up and asked each other how we would feel about things we might enjoy... it was a good test to see what we were comfortable with and not. It seemed that a lot of them lost their power just by talking about them.

Some of them were important and we stuck with them, but they were more general like "please text me after midnight on a weekday if you are going to be out much longer, because I worry about you." Not specific, but more about safety in the middle of the night than anything else... I think we got to that one when talking about when it was okay to stay over night or something...

Another is that I would like to know who my partners are including in their lives. I would like to meet them before they become more than friends. This is a given now and not really a rule, it's just respectful and fulfills my need to feel comfortable and respected. Nerdist does this because he wants me to feel comfortable.

I guess that a lot of the rules and boundaries we had and have now are just the way we live rather than stuff we talk about all the time. We got to know each other in the sense of a poly lifestyle and then could drop any language around it all.... I will ask and so will he if there is an uncomfortable gut feeling... going with the gut is always the best idea... checking in is always the best idea... sticking to what you have agreed to is always the best idea in our relationships... and then letting it all just "be."
 
Safe sex is madatory, the only major rules my partner and I have are related to that. For example let each other know if something like the condom breaks and take a shower if you are going from being with one partner to the next (I have a bit of a weak immune system). Other than that we each try to have one thing that is "special" to each of us for the moment, though we are going to try to relax this as we gain more experience. For example, at the moment there are no overnight dates for either of us and we are to check in when we get home.
But I agree with the other posts, there are no permanent rules and the ones that are agreed on at the beginning of a relationship are often relaxed as things progress and comfort levels increase.
 
I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby

Good point Derby,

One would HOPE that even that would fall under awareness (and education).
I guess "be smart & safe" is a good rule for navigating life if one needs a rule :)

GS
 
That would be the nurse in me making it's appearance :D
 
Thanks for all the feedback.

I too agree that rules can be like a false sense of security ... but they do also establish boundaries. I am new to all of this and I have to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not okay with. If she is to only give her love to me ... what does that look like in the bedroom? Sure, there will be emotions and a level of intimacy with others, but what is representative of the intention that I mean the most or that we have something that she does not with someone else?

I mean, maybe one day I won't even need any of that. Maybe I'll just know ... or maybe I won't care so much about meaning the most in her life ... that I'll just be grateful of what we have.

But is there something to be said for pacing? For taking baby steps. I think there is. I think the potential for me to get emotionally triggered and to feel so overwhelmed that I completely cut this off could be high. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm sacrificing and comprising myself and feeling like I'm not and that it is okay to change how much I tolerate in order to be with the person I love.

In the moments where I feel like I'm compromising myself and thats not okay, I feel like I "should" seriously think about not being in this relationship. That it may not be good for me ... that I'm not doing the right thing. (but there are no right answers here)

I feel like pacing might make it so that it is not so overwhelming.

And yes, safe sex is a must. That is an example of a boundary that is necessary.

I guess part of me just also feels like I'm bending myself to do what she wants ... that it is not totally that I don't want this ... but that I'm only doing it because she wants to at the end of the day ... and that there is something wrong with that. I mean, I like the opportunity for exploring sexual relationships with others ... but if she didn't want this, I don't know that I would care to fight for a non-monogamous relationship.

And perhaps since I feel like I'm the one that is bending, I also want some compromise from her as well. That, and I want some representation that what we have is special and that no one else has that.
 
I am new to all of this and I have to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not okay with.

My husband and I did a BDSM checklist when we first started dating in order to figure out what each other was interested in. It ended up being more of an ideas list than anything.

My worry about using a checklist as a "rules" guideline is that it will "give you ideas" on new rules that you may not have felt a need for until you saw them on paper.


The best complete list of guidelines I can come up with is:
1. Be honest with yourself and with all your partners.
2. Communicate about everything, your feelings and needs and concerns.
3. Safe sex always.
4. Own your emotions and take responsibility for dealing with them.
 
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