Smelling the flowers

Thanks for the link and ideas. I had found one IKEA video on YouTube before, but I wasn't sure if it was a one-off and if others were using the PAK doors that way also. Thanks! I do like the modern look.
 
Life is good

Text from B Saturday AM:

"I'll be drinking today.
Who are we kidding??"​

She still fucked up my boyfriend. LOL. Not that bad, though. He thought he'd be going home that night, so he kept his shit together. In the end, he stayed the night and Golden went home to do the parenting.

Saturday was conspiring against me big time! I'm surprised the party actually happened! Or that I didn't cry uncle and order pizza - Plan B is always an option. First my new tenants texted to say that they couldn't make it to the house until 10:00, so that moved things back an hour. Which in reality was more like 10:20 before they got there. While I waited for them to arrive I walked through the house and noted the things that were damaged by the previous tenant. She had moved the last of her things out that morning. I really hate not having a window of time between the tenants, but it couldn't be helped this time. There was nothing serious for damage, but there are things that need to be taken care of like a broken light switch and a small florescent light in a closet that needs a new ballast. I had a guy coming to pick up our old washing machine that had quit working. It turned out it was too new and wouldn't work for parts for one he had, so he gave me a number for a scrap collector..who turned down the job, because it was too far out of his area.

My grandson had spent the night so he could play with Bond's boys and Golden's daughter. (Three 9-year-olds, and an 11-year-old.) My daughter was supposed to pick up him up between 10:30 and noon, but it was almost 2 PM by the time she got there. I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet and to complicate things I forgot to print the shopping list I made during lunch time on Friday on my work computer. I have no idea why I didn't save it to the cloud, but I didn't. Sigh. So, I had to go into work and print it and then do my shopping. I managed to leave my pass key on my desk while I was there, too. Sigh.

I got a message from M while I was grocery shopping offering help with setting up and I decided to take her up on her offer. I knew that I could send an S.O.S. to B and she'd most likely be right there with bells on, but I thought it was very nice of M to offer and that it could be another stone to the foundation of our relationship.

My return trip from the grocery store was impeded by a festival that had several blocks closed for partying in the street, so I had to figure out how to detour around it. More precious minutes wasted. Gulp.

It was after 4 PM, closer to 4:30, when I got home and was able to start cooking. I grabbed my laptop so I could bring up recipes from Pinterest. It asked if I wanted to restart it, it's been asking that, and I've been saying no. Well, I said no and it restarted anyhow. Zoiks! It installed 17 updates and #8 took forever. I did not need that to be happening! Once I could log in again my browsers kept crashing, so I had to do another restart and even after that it was wonky. I think something isn't playing nicely in there. While my laptop was acting like an asshole I cut up chicken wings, off with the tips and then dividing the other sections. I have some freaking sharp knives and I thought it was a minor miracle that I didn't end up slicing into a finger. I was zooming! And sweating! Lovely 90 degree day and I ran the oven and boiled water. The poor air conditioner really got a workout.

M arrived sometime between 5:00 and 6:00. She took over making the trifle and really saved me. I made two kinds of wings using recipes that I've never made before. We cranked the tunes and danced and sang our way through making Red, White, and Blueberry trifle, creamy grape dessert, srarchia wings, honey mustard wings, sweet corn and a quadrupled batch of mojitos. I was so glad that it was a potluck and BYOB, so I didn't have to make all the food!

I wanted to make sweet corn using the hot water/cooler method, but I needed a cooler. Bond said he'd bring one, but he didn't get there until after 7 PM. Oh, well, we ate closer to 8 PM and no one died of starvation.

Those wings...they were so freakin' good! Whew! What a relief. Nothing like using 20 of your friends as guinea pigs. :D FYI: using a cooler to make sweet corn is so easy! Husk the corn, put it in the cooler, pour boiling water over it to cover, close lid and wait 30 minutes. Ta-dah! Easy peasy.

B brought some delicious salads that she made using vegetables from the Farmer's Market. I think she made them with Bond in mind, because she made sure to tell him exactly what was in them and where she had procured the ingredients and I think she said she did it for him. Cute.

Oh, she also turned shot-gunning him into kissing him and then chastised him for wasting the smoke. :) Poor Bond, lost his concentration evidently.

The best thing that B brought was watermelon juice. She pureed a watermelon and put it in a cute growler from a local brewery. She meant it to be used with vodka, but we mostly used it in the mojitos. Yum!

Friends brought firewood, the makings for smores, ice cream, ice cream drumsticks, and popsicles. They know how to do midsummer parties well.

After the party I asked Bond how M did. He said that she told him when they were laying on the grass by the fire that she didn't feel like this was her tribe, but that she felt welcome. He said he found it ironic, because at the time the other people around the fire were all Beatdown people. I think she'll feel more connected with people once she's more familiar with them.
 
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I saw a man on the square today that I thought was Twitch for a half second. Tears sprung to my eyes, but they didn't fall.

I wonder when I'll no longer be affected.

I'm so much better than I used to be and I know that with more months gone by I'll be that much less likely to react when life tosses something in front of me that I relate to him or that time of pain. Two weeks ago a song undid me, today a stranger with similar features; that's not so frequent, it's manageable.
 
He loves me

Something special happened Sunday night. Golden told me via text that he had a realization he wanted to tell me, but he didn't want to tell me via text. I had my suspicions about what it was and it was as I had guessed.

I forgot my "whore bag" as I like to call my overnight bag that holds all my toiletries, so I was gathering miscellaneous items from around the house to make my overnight do-able. I went to his room for my earplugs and OTC sleeping aids. He climbed onto the bed and pulled me on with him and told me that he realized that he loves me and for the first time in his life that feeling is one of calm and peace.

I was touched and happy to hear him say that, but I was unable and unwilling to respond in kind. Unwilling, because I didn't want to sound like a parrot. Unable, because I'm not there yet. Oh, there are things I love about Golden and moments I love with Golden, but I don't think I am "in love" with Golden. I think it's growing, but I don't think it's developed yet. I feel joyous that he loves me, while at the same time I feel guilty that I'm unable to say it to him.

I think he gets that. We talked about it when we went to Andrea's wedding. I think he trusts that I am on that path, so I hope that it's not hurtful to him for me to not be there yet.

He's such a dear man. My daughter and my youngest son have told me that he is their favorite. I think Mindy also said the same. I don't want anyone to pick favorites. I want them to love both of my men, but I doubt that's realistic. I guess as long as they accept both men that's the most I can ask for and anything beyond that is gravy.

So, this amazing, beautiful, kind and insightful man told me he loves me. That's pretty special.
 
I love him, I love him almost, I love him, I...

Golden came over last night after I was home again after having Girls' Night with Michelle and he had put his son to bed. After hugs and kisses, we stood in the kitchen and chatted. I tried to concentrate, but I really wanted to lie down on my bed with him so that we could talk lying face to face, intertwined. I asked him if he'd be offended if I dragged him to my room rather than sit on the couch and talk.

Sometimes I worry that men think I'm only after one thing, and I especially worry that Golden could think this because when we were first considering starting something we were thinking of Friends With Benefits (FWB) and he specifically mentioned that he needed more than to be used for services - or something to that effect. So, while my first inclination is to get him naked as quickly as possible I try to not go that route too often. It occurs to me that this is an example where the stereotype of this being a male trait is wrong and we need to drop stereotypes that designate something as male or female. I'm female. I like sex. I connect through sex and physical contact. I especially like sex with Golden. He makes my body sing. Our top love language is touch, so we are well matched. He knows my body better than I do. He knows where to touch me; to let his fingers glide on my skin, teasing and tickling. He knows where to touch his tongue to me; how quickly or lightly to flick it, when to increase pressure or drop back. But I digress, I asked him if he'd be fine with moving things to the bedroom and his eyes lit up and a big grin creased his face.

So we came to be lying face to face on my bed, first clothed and then in various states of undress. Talking and connecting.

He told me that he admired me and thought I was amazing or some such adjective for how I reacted when he said he loved me. I find that Golden reframes things into a positive light when his initial reaction is usually the opposite, so I feel that initially I did hurt him by not returning his sentiment. It did open up dialog so that I could talk about not wanting to parrot his words and also wanting to be all the way there before I said the words. That I want him to know with certainty that I am saying them because I truly feel them and not because I feel pressured to say them. He reiterated that he admires that I don't give into pressure and that I am strong and know myself. I assured him that I have many strong feelings for him and that I feel they are building and that I feel it will happen in time. That there are so many times it's on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it as to be certain that when the words do come out they are true and heartfelt.

I think that I do love him already. But it's not the same type of love I have for Bond, so I question it. My love for Golden is less intense than what I have for Bond, and at the same time it feels comfortable and good. I wonder if it's because I'm still all NRE over Bond and my heart doesn't have room to focus on another in that fashion. I worry that I'm cheating Golden by not being able to totally drop into NRE with him. And I worry that if my love for him doesn't include as intense of feelings, then it's not really the right kind of love a relationship needs to last. I worry that normative thinking is playing a role. That I'm selecting the partner who can provide the most stable and secure future. Then I remind myself of how connected Bond and I are, how much we have in common, how our thoughts mirror each other, how our reactions and logic match, how our political viewpoints are aligned, and I can't really fault why I'd fall for him. If there is such a thing as a soulmate, Bond would be mine and I his. Finding Bond was like coming home.

With Golden I am challenged by his endless questions, pushed to explore concepts and pulled into intellectual discussion. Blown away by his lovemaking and bolstered in confidence by his words of praise and adulation of my body, my sex.

If life could be lived between the sheets, with no other interference I'd chose Golden to wile the hours away with. But that's not reality and when we leave our cocoon I'm challenged in regards to Golden. His life is messy right now; he is going through a divorce, the situation with his kids is draining, he never has two dimes to his name because he's going to college and only working part-time, and he has little free time because he's going to college and working part-time. But that's only part of why I find Golden challenging. He is intense with an air of heaviness. It's not really sadness or melancholy. It's hard to define and I don't know how to describe it. I wonder if his glass is always half empty. Could that be it? Will he ever feel lighthearted and free? Did loosing his mother at age 15 leave him with a heaviness about life?
 
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Love comes in many flavors!

Thanks, nycindie. ^^ That made me laugh as Golden is a lovely milk chocolate color and Bond is quite fair, almost pink. They like to tease that they are my chocolate and vanilla.
 
Home again, home again, jiggety jig

Friday morning I left for KY for the weekend. My middle child, J, lives there. He's 28. My brother and sister-in-law live a stone's throw from him. And one of my good friends lives down the road. He moved down there about 16 months ago.

It's been hard on him. He's shy and hasn't made many friends. He's broke and can't afford to do much for activities. He is prone to depression, since he was 9 years old, so that adds a layer of yuck to his life. He's had girlfriends on and off, and has repeatedly gotten back together with a lady who is closer to my age than his. From what he's said, it is not a healthy relationship. She seems very insecure and wants him to spend all of his time with her and is quite upset when he spends time at home.

It was a very nice visit. I hadn't seen him for a year and when I did see him it was when my mother was hospitalized, so it wasn't an easy visit. We went to the Corvette Museum on Saturday and to Nashville Sunday night. Saturday night and Sunday morning we went out to eat with my brother and sister-in-law, and Sunday afternoon all four of us went to the friend's place that I mentioned for a cookout.

It was nice to talk to J about life and his dreams and struggles. I got a chance to do the mom thing which made both of us happy. I bought him some clothes and a bunch of groceries, and then because he didn't have a pot or cereal bowls we also picked up a set of dishes and a pot. Who doesn't own a pot?!!! Geez. I pointed out to him that he could have bought bowls at Savers or Goodwill for next to nothing. He said that when he's down to change at the end of the week, buying anything is an extravagance. The real extravagance in his life is the damn cigarettes and beer he buys, but he's not willing to forego those. Today I ordered towels to be delivered to his house. He has one towel. Sigh.

I got home around 7:30 last night. Golden came over around 9:30 and spent the night. It was so nice to see him. I was so tempted to tell him I love him, but I want to be sure before I say it.

I learned in conversation that Bea spent the night (with Bond) Friday night. That was a surprise, because Bond hadn't mentioned a word. I grabbed my phone to see if it was on the calendar, but it wasn't. Which I found telling because at one point in time Bond was updating the calendar for our date times if I happened to be later than what he had put in there, like if I didn't get to him place until 7 PM, but he had 6 PM in the calendar he'd update it to reflect the true time.) At the time I asked him if that was for M's benefit, but he denied it and said he liked the calendar to be accurate. During that time M was being ridiculous about the calendar and it didn't ring true. I also think that he date with Bea went without mention (we exchanged many texts while I was gone, plus he had ample opportunity to call me while I was driving 10 hours each way) because he knows I am reactive to Bea and I think he may be hesitant to mention her now. I need to work on that. I am able to self-sooth myself and not become upset or say anything, but she does trigger me and he knows that. I don't want him to withhold hings, so this needs to be something I overcome. I know he loves me, and that she is not a threat to our relationship. I remind myself of these things and calm my reptilian brain fairly easily, but not before my initial reaction of a perceived threat - upset stomach, tightness in my chest, increased heart rate.

Initially I assumed they had sex for the first time. It would be reasonable to think that an overnight visit would lead to that in most cases, but Bond has a code of ethics he follows that requires him to speak to me about this before he goes there. I have told him it's not necessary, but I do appreciate that he'll give me that courtesy, so that's how things have been left. Because he hadn't spoken to me I thought that there was a good chance that they hadn't had sex. And yes, Bond is also the kind of guy who is happy to sleep with someone and keep it rather PG.

I asked him if they had sex. Answer was no. I can only guess at how frustrating this may have been for Bea. I'd have a hard time in that situation! Goodness, they have been dating since what? March? They had a break from early June until now, but still, that's a long time to let things build into something.

He did ask me, "How do you feel about it if we want to in the future?"

I said, "I will be fine. I've been expecting it to happen. I'll deal with it."

He replied, "Ok. Thanks. I was worried how you'd feel. You say you'll deal. Is it something troubling or difficult to deal with?

Or are you grinning and bearing it?"

I said, "I always have a Bea auto response.

"I remind myself that you love me. :) "

Bond: "I do!" (followed by half a dozen kissy faces)

And then asked where I was for lunch today and that he wasn't sure he could wait to see me.

Awww.

We met for lunch. He had an eleven-year-old in tow. A surly, overtired (sleepover) kid who had forgotten to take his meds this morning. It wasn't the lunch I had hoped for, but it was still really, really nice to see him. And feeding the eleven-year-old helped get rid of his surliness. Yay!

Oh, oh, oh! I almost forgot to mention this. It seems that M is picking things up again with her sometimes partner, former-fiance. The very same guy she says emotionally abused her. She is spending more time with her kids and him and less time with Bond than she has in the past. For instance, she has today off, but she is not seeing Bond, and according to Golden, she was supposed to come over on Sunday before Beatdown, but she never showed.

Less M and more Bea? I can deal with that.
 
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It's Monday and while I'm not thrilled to be at work, the feel-good aura of the weekend is still cloaking me. Thankfully, it's greater than the anxiety I am feeling over several pressing issues and greater than the general overall exhaustion I feel. Next week I am going camping with Bond and Golden and their kids. Anyone can slog through five days of work when a vacation is coming up. :)

Golden will only be at the campground a couple of days and one night, but Bond and I and his kids will be there Monday - Thursday. Thursday evening Bond is taking me to his company's 25th anniversary party. I'm both looking forward to that and kind of nervous about going. Golden will either stay with the kids one more night at the campground or they'll return to The Beach (Bond's house) that evening.

Exhaustion seems to be a constant in my life; I am so sleep-deprived. Whether I'm with Bond or Golden it seems that we have a need to talk well into the night every time we retire. I expect that it's typical of households with children, because so many hours are taken up with their care and household management. We valued connection and communication, so we need those hours of dialog to nourish our relationships. It also seems to be a necessity when doing poly as relationship matters seem more urgent and pressing when there are so many moving pieces.

Bond and I discussed M's distancing. Since she got out of the hospital, she has spent the night once, and he's stayed at her place once (a first). There would have been a second night, but that's the night she got her daughter out of bed and went home because she was angry first at Golden and then at Bond because he didn't automatically take her side of the disagreement. They've had dates that include the kids and she's gone home afterwards. She's scheduling one date a week with him, instead of both of her days off, plus vacation time, and calling in sick like she had been doing in May and June.

It seems she has flipped a switch and all of her energy is going to Dale now. And her kids. She is more focused on her kids and that seems healthy. I mentioned before that she seemed to never spend her days off with them - as in zero time with them, so this is a positive move it seems.

Bond is sad and confused, because she isn't being forthright with him. I think she's decided that Dale is a safer, surer bet than Bond now that she knows I am moving in. All those weeks of her fighting tooth and nail seem to have evaporated. Bond said that if she's distancing herself because she feels that it's the right decision for her and that he is fine with that decision, but if she's doing it because she thinks that's what he wants, then he's not.

Thursday via messenger she said she was having a difficult brain and body pain day, and that he looked so happy in the pictures he posted to Facebook of him and I at the sunflower farm. He said that he was happy. She said that it made her question why he needs her in his life.

I said, "Because you're poly." And he said, "Exactly."

That lends credence to his concern that she's fading out of their relationship because she thinks this is best for him. But I could see her feeling this way at different moments even if she thought that it was best for her to lighten their relationship and to put her eggs in the Dale basket instead.

We also discussed Bea. I'm happy that it sounds like her marriage is going well now. I avoid relationships with anyone whose marriage is in jeopardy and I was really bothered that Bond was involved with her when it was falling apart. We talked about my auto-response to all this Bea. I told him that I was able to quickly get myself past that initial reaction and that I was working on it, because I didn't want him to avoid talking to me about her or to hide things from me. He admitted that he had avoided telling me because he didn't want me to be upset when traveling. He was relieved to hear that I didn't want him to keep things from me out of fear of my reaction.

Things I feel and know about my relationship with Bond:
  1. He loves me, a lot
  2. We feel solid,
  3. We have a strong connection,
  4. I trust him,
  5. He is committed to me moving in with him, and
  6. I love him to the moon and back.

Things I know his relationship with Bea won't change or become:
  1. she will never replace me,
  2. if he grows to love her that doesn't mean he'll love me less,
  3. she has limited availability, so my time with Bond will not be severely compromised, and
  4. she doesn't play games which makes her a great metamour.

Positive things about Bond having other girlfriends:
  1. Being poly keeps our relationship fresh,
  2. I could easily drop everything else in my life and get caught up in his if he were available all the time, and
  3. It makes me try to be the best me possible.
 
The guys are hosting a Beatdown party this coming Saturday. It's an old school BDSM party. Last night they had a planning meeting with some of the people that are helping pull this event off. They needed the kids out of the house so they could go through the space discussing what kind of play would take place in each area. Little ears needed to not be present.

I took all three of Bond's boys and Golden's son to Menchies for frozen yogurt. We needed to be gone from 9:00-9:30 pm. They love that place. Well, the younger boys do, and now Bond's oldest, Z, does, too. He's such an introvert that he's never joined the family before when they've gone. We didn't get back until 9:45, but the timing was good and things were being wrapped up when we returned.

Bedtime is always a big struggle with Bond's boys. He sucks at it and they push him until he is yelling at them to get them moving. On the drive back I forewarned them that it would be bedtime when we got back, that it was actually past bedtime, so they'd need to get ready for bed immediately. They were so good for me. I told a white lie and said that getting them to bed was another thing I was asked to do, besides taking them for ice cream. It seemed to work like a charm, because they complied nicely. I think it helped that they were feeling goodwill towards me for taking them out for a treat - and for earlier bonding stuff earlier in the day, mainly involving time on the treadmill that morning. (We moved my treadmill to Bond's house the night before.)

Golden's kids are awesome about bedtime as he doesn't allow for any shenanigans. His son went downstairs, brushed his teeth and got himself to bed all on his own.

I got Bond's youngest to brush is teeth and then into bed, the middle son into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and retrieved one of Bond's cell phones from him so the youngest could listen to Percy Jackson as he does every night when falling asleep. I told him I'd have his dad come in to say goodnight when he was free. When I came out of his room everyone was at the front door saying goodnight, so the timing was great and Bond was able to step away and give kisses and hugs.

By then his middle son had brushed his teeth and came out to hug his dad and me. I walked him to his room asked him if he wanted the hall light on or off, made sure he was settled and happy.

There was no fighting and we all felt peaceful and happy.

I think son #2 had a peaceful night free of night terrors. I wonder if stress before bed affects whether he has them or not. It's something I'll be taking note of in the future.

The plan was for Golden and me to sleep at my place, but before we could leave Tatania wanted to have a talk. They went for a long walk and I stayed at the house watching Sense8 with Bond and his oldest son, Z. We're just two episodes into it and I'm really liking it. I didn't get to finish it, though, because Golden was back before it ended and we were both tired, so we headed out.

We stayed up fairly late even though we were both exhausted to talk about the direction his relationship with Tatiana is going. She's downgrading things and he's trying to deal with it. My heart hurts for him.
 
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Slow your roll

Last night was Polycocktails. I had to empty the spare bedroom closet, take a picture of the full-sized mattress, box spring, and frame that have been in that room and post it to Craigslist before I could go. My roommate's good friend and former fiance, Daven, is moving in today. Originally he had planned on taking the basement bedroom, but the stairway to the basement is so tight that getting furniture down there is nigh impossible. I had offered up the other bedroom on the main floor to him before, so this last minute change wasn't a big deal to me. I am rarely home of late and Daven is a chef who works evening hours, so our paths will not cross often.

Bond and M arrived at Polycocktails right before me. Golden didn't arrive until after 7:30 pm, because he had to cook supper for his son and get him settled before heading out.

There were a lot of new people, so the majority of my time was spent trying to make the newbies feel comfortable. I felt like I barely got to see B.

Wicked Professor always does a public service announcement midway through the night. He sits on the bar or stands on the cross supports of a bar stool so that he's a head above everyone and gives a welcome speech and upcoming news. Last night he introduced the three people that have been added as organizers. Adding to the number of organizers was necessary, because last month several people reported they had felt threatened and preyed upon. WP expounded on the groups' policy of not using the event as a pick-up opportunity and examples of personal space violations were demonstrated.

At one point Bond came in from the outdoor patio where he and M had gone out to escape the cacophony. He was getting a couple of waters and another mixed drink and I was talking to a friend, Pat. I said I was trying to make my way out there, but hadn't made much headway and he said that yeah, David said he had tried to talk to me, but it was almost impossible to have a conversation because I was constantly interrupted by people stopping to talk. This message was brought home a second time when ArtCar guy called to me to get my attention and said that he was sorry we didn't really get a chance to talk, but they were heading out and maybe next time. It makes me feel bad that I'm talking to so many people that I'm not really talking to people. Sigh. Does that make any sense? I enjoy talking to people and I feel some responsibility for making people feel welcome, but really, it's not my job to play hostess and I need to make sure I'm being mindful and connecting with people.
 
Friday plans without the guys

When we scheduled dates for this week Bond wanted to leave Friday open in hopes that he and Bea can have a date. I have been fighting sad feelings about this. I'm ridiculous. You'd think by the level of stress I feel over an empty date on the calendar that I'm at risk of dying. To be more exact, not having a Friday date with one of my main people.

Yesterday the thought that I should plan something with Laura kept popping into my head. It also occurred to me that I would be available to help Ruby pick up her kids if she needed a ride.

When I saw Laura at Polycocktails I asked her if she was free and if she'd like to hang out. She got back to me today saying she could if it was after 8:30 pm. You'd think I'd be ecstatic, but no. I had to push myself to confirm our plans without making them tentative on the chance that Bond's plans never materialize. WTF?! I don't like that I am like that. I wish I didn't have to work so hard to see the benefits of time away from each other. I want to be the type of person who makes time for friends.

Oh, and Ruby doesn't have her kids this week - they're in Colorado on vacation with their grandparents.

There is one tidbit that confuses me. I forgot my car charger at The Beach and Bond brought it to me, so I had to follow him and M to the car to get it from him when they were leaving. When we got to the car Bond said that B wanted time with the two of us, but that Friday wouldn't work for her this week. I asked about his plans with Bea and he said she wasn't sure it would work...I think that's what he said.... damn you, alcohol for muddling my brain.
 
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I told Golden that I love him last night.
 
I told Golden that I love him last night.

Scary goodness.:p How are you feeling? I've always felt very vulnerable and anxious when I have said that (all both times - took me about 18 months with MrS and 9 with Dude, so I am getting better, right? :rolleyes:)

The last time (the Dude time) I was a member here, so I posted about it.
 
Scary goodness.:p How are you feeling? I've always felt very vulnerable and anxious when I have said that (all both times - took me about 18 months with MrS and 9 with Dude, so I am getting better, right? :rolleyes:)

The last time (the Dude time) I was a member here, so I posted about it.

Jane, I'm doing pretty good. I kind of feel like I said it too soon - before my feelings are intense and definite. I went ahead and told him, because I have the feeling that the love I feel for him is never going to be a mad rush of emotions. What I feel is a softer love, more calm and steady than swirly thoughts and racing pulse. He's so happy that I love him. So happy. I need to shrug off the guilt that what I feel for him doesn't have the same intensity of what I feel for Bond. It's still love. Love, gentleness, compassion, patience, commitment. It's all those things.
 
The state of M

M went home around 1 AM Monday night. Bond thought she was spending the night because that's how it was scheduled on the calendar. At some point after they returned to his place following Polycocktails she said that she was going to go home that night so she could wake up at her place because her daughter was going to get there at 10:30 am, and Bond would be ready to sleep before her. (She works from 6:00 PM to 3:00 AM or something like that so she's on a different schedule than your average bear.)

He's trying to get her to tell him where she's at with things, because it seems she's totally changed things up and hasn't kept him informed. For starters, he learned that she is now scheduling only one of her two days off per week with him. She is spending the other day with Dale. From things she's dropped it appears that Dale may have always have been in the picture - or at least more than Bond was aware. She has decided she wants to get in condition to compete in BJJ next year, so Dale is meeting her at the gym after she is done with work and they are training together to help her reach this goal. She is spending as much time as possible with her youngest daughter this summer. Her new medication is kicking in and she's feeling much, much better.

So, lots of good seems to be happening in her life, although Bond seems to be the one losing. I think he really misses her, and while I do not miss her, I do not enjoy the thought of him hurting.

He asked her directly if she was pulling away. She assures him she is not. I don't think any of us believe her because she has a history of her words totally contradicting her actions.

As we talked he kept mentioning things he was unsure about. We both agree that they have a lot more to discuss.

Another new aspect is it seems she can talk about me and my impending move into Bond's house - as in, I think she's the one opening up the conversation about it. Bond said that she told him we need to figure out what I'm bringing for furniture and where it's going. Seems she concerned about the kitchen stuff, too. But it's relaxed talk that doesn't seem to be from a place of "she's taking over" or "she's getting more."

This morning he said she has a new outlook. That she is over viewing it from who is getting more time or doing more things with him. She can now see that doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is the time she spends with him and the things they do together. I'm so relieved. It sounds so much healthier. :)
 
Furniture, silverware, and such

I think it was M's push for Bond and me to decide what I'm moving into the house that spurred conversation along those lines last night. Golden, Bond and me were in the living room and about to head to bed when we got caught up in discussing details about my move.

I need to be out of my house by the 30th of October. Bond's b-day is the 22nd of that month and he made sure to mention it. I think he wants to mark that date, or perhaps even surrounding dates, off as PRECIOUS/DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS DATE on the calendar. :D (How old are you? LOL) I'm not sure exactly when the move will happen, but it won't be on the 22nd, and it won't be as late as the 30th.

Both men think it would be a waste of money to hire movers, so the plan is to rent a moving truck and do it ourselves. I got the go-ahead to start moving smaller things over beforehand, so when the day comes all we'll be moving will be the bigger items of furniture. Now that Daven has moved in, I can pack up my kitchen wares and move them to the Beach. I doubt we'd have had room for my kitchen stuff and a chef's stuff anyhow. I'm always surprised with how many boxes it takes to pack up a kitchen.

I think the good thing about the discussion was that it brought to light that neither guy is a fan of using my bed in the guest bedroom/front room. It's a beautiful set that squeaks like crazy. :eek: Even with periodic tightening of the screws, it's a miserable beast. Bond is in favor of putting a daybed in there. He'd like to have the room serve two purposes, front room and guest room. Automatically my aesthetics are offended and I'm trying to push that down and not voice it. Today I think I may have come up with a solution that will work beautifully; a Murphy bed. We could use my queen-size mattress. It's like new, so that would save us $1,000. For an investment of $300 in hardware, plus $X for wood and paint, and our labor, we could have a pretty nifty setup. I'm waiting to hear back from Bond on his thoughts about Murphy bed vs daybed.

Bond is on-board with moving his living room set into the "media room" in the basement. I will need to talk Twitch into giving up the love seat that goes with my sofa, but I think he'll do it. I was supposed to get it originally, but I couldn't fit both pieces in my house. I'm going to offer Twitch my half of the Fiesta dishes. He may not have a real need for the full set, but they are nice and he likes the set. I would have to pack them away otherwise, because Bond has a huge set of ironstone dishes and we go through almost all of them daily when the kids are there. My set is smaller and would never suffice. I also wonder if they'd stand up as well as the ironstone. I think it would hurt me if they just got broken because...kids.

I just had a thought that maybe Twitch would like the bedroom set. I'm going to ask.

Bond and I decided that my table will go into the breakfast nook and the art table will go downstairs in the mechanical room. Golden wasn't thrilled. He quietly said that he was hoping his table would go in the dining room. He spoke so quietly that I don't think Bond heard him. I expect it'll go in the sun room. I have plans to organized that space and make it aesthetically pleasing. I've been brainstorming ideas for corralling the kids' Legos and toys that have taken over the room. Once I've worked my magic I think he'll love having his table in there. It'll be a space we will want to spend time in and his table will be a big part of why it'll be inviting and functional.
 
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One Year (plus almost a month) Movie-versary

Bond and I went to Inside-Out last night at the same theater we went to just over a year ago. That time was not as a date. I had posted on Facebook that I had a free night and was looking for something to do. Golden, who was still with his wife at the time, said that he was available to hang out, but that his wife was busy. Somewhere between that point in time and actually going his wife's plans changed and she was able to go with us. I remember being really happy about that. I had met them two months earlier and really enjoyed their company. This was the first time we got together for a social event other than as part of a Meetup group.

I met up with them at their house. Golden announced that Bond would be joining us and would be there shortly. I remember being super nervous. It's funny to hear Bond talk about it , because he remembers me sitting on the sofa when he came in. He thought I had known them for some time and was totally comfortable. That is so far from reality. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but happy to be out socializing instead of sitting at home alone. Bond says that Golden had called him and asked him if he wanted to go to the movie. It wasn't something he was interested in seeing, so he declined. Golden told him that I was going and he changed his mind. I remember that when we left Golden asked Bond to drive and then he and his wife sat in the backseat of the car, which left me in front with Bond. I remember feeling like Bond and I had been totally set up and worrying how he felt about it. Did he welcome it or was he ambushed and not so keen on Golden's matchmaking?

Neither Bond nor I can ever recall the name of the movie we saw that night. We always have to ask Golden (The Edge of Tomorrow.) I think we were more focused on each other than the movie in front of us.

It was rather cute to reminiscence. Bond is prone to this and has done it since we first started dating.

Before we left for the movie I was lying on top of Bond on his bed teasing that we should bring Kleenex with us, because he was going to need it. He denied he would need any. In a teasing voice I said, "This is a movie about emotions and you're telling me you will not need Kleenex?" His response was that he would cry, but he would not need Kleenex. Pffft! That big sweetheart of a man could definitely have used a tissue last night. I love that about him. He gets all the feels.

Watching Inside Out

I really related to the period of time when my marriage was failing and the depression that followed. Just like the movie, despite putting forth immense effort it was hard to be joyful. It was like my joy was lost. I kept struggling to rebuild myself, to have a better outlook, but it took so much effort and the results were so fleeting until somehow it all just worked and I was happy again. Most of that was a matter of time passing, and taking Wellbutrin for a couple of months. Eventually things were firing again, but I was lonely and that was another hell. When Bond and I finally started dating everything was in order and had been for months. While I was on this journey to hell and back Bond was doing the same. When we started dating we were more than ready for each other and so well matched. We see the world through the same lens in nearly all aspects. I think that's why we fell in love so completely and so quickly.

We stayed in our seats for the credits when the movie ended and talked about this. Bond has always given me a hard time about my jumping in and out of polyamory during the period from when we met in June of 2014 until the beginning of 2015 when I decided once and for all that I was pursuing polyamory. One time in particular he brings up was when he walked me to my car after Polycocktails and I announced that I thought I was mono. He had been about to ask me out when I said that.

Sitting in the theater last night I finally found the words to explain why I had thought it would be best to go back to monogamy. The men I had been meeting weren't offering the kind of relationship I was seeking. Those who were practicing polyamory weren't looking for actual relationships, but rather FWB-style arrangements where they wouldn't have to invest emotionally. The monogamous men, who were willing to date a polyamorous lady, seemed to have an attitude that I'd do until they found a real girlfriend and they could slip back into a monogamous lifestyle. There were also times when I'd start dating someone and shut things down in order to give that new relationship time to develop. So, yes, it took months before we finally started dating. But it was worth it. :)
 
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A blast from the past

I met an old girlfriend of Bond's last night. Bond had mentioned that she and her husband and son would be in [OurCity] Thursday night. I wasn't expecting to meet her, because Golden and I were on the calendar for a date night, plus he said that usually when she comes through town he meets them at a local deli for dinner. It was totally off my radar and I didn't know they were coming for dinner until I noticed a car in the driveway and a man standing beside it.

She was quite nice. Her husband and son were, too. She's so short. Bond makes fun of me for being short, but I felt quite statuesque beside her. Her brown hair is long and wildly curly with touches of gray. Her eyes are brown. I wondered if she was slightly cross-eyed, but eventually I decided she wasn't. It was just that her eyes were smallish and deeply set.

Bond gave the grand tour of his home as Golden and I finished up dinner preparations. We ate, talked, they shared Japanese candy they had picked up on the way, and we all went for a walk. Golden and I walked together, ahead of the others. It gave us a chance to somewhat have a date night and it also gave Bond a chance to carry on a private(ish) conversation with his old flame. Her hubby walked a ways behind them with the kids. Snatches of conversation would come to us and I heard my name several times. One time I overheard her saying that he looked happier than when she had seen him last year. He agreed, but said he's still sad, but much happier. I think Bond will carry that sadness for a long time. It's not easy having your wife quit your marriage.
 
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