Legitimate concerns about partner's FWB interest

metandwessy

New member
Hello all,

I tried to look through old threads as I thought this would be a relatively common issue but I didn't find any recent ones.

My partner and I are at an impasse about his FWB interest Steph. We met her together as a couple about 6 months ago with her boyfriend and we had a nice swap experience with them. It was fun but at that time, my partner and I processed and I shared some of my concerns about her mental state. We decided that it might be interesting to play again but with caution as she seemed to have a bit of chaos in her life.

Shortly after that, she started texting my partner daily and they started talking about sexual things that seemed like they were leaning towards trying to get their own thing going. I felt my partner was being a little guarded and even secretive about their conversations. when I brought it up it turned into a fight and he told her that they needed to stop talking because I was insecure about their conversations. I was upset that he kind of "threw me under the bus" like that and we actually worked through it and realized that we want to move forward with people when we are on the same page or supportive of each other not when we are in opposition to each other.

After a few months, a few things happened: she and her boyfriend got pregnant (what would be her 4th child by 4th father) but lost the baby. Over the next few months, they broke up but got back together a few times. When they were broken up she would often message my partner about hanging out. At one point, I even encouraged it but he laughed and said "oh no she's way to crazy to meet up with on my own".

Then my partner had a long conversation with her about her tumultuous relationship, how she was in therapy and trying to take care of her long history of mental health issues. She said that her therapist advised her not to be with her boyfriend anymore as he was not healthy and even abusive but she did not take this advice. She also said that she wanted to meet up to play with both my partner and I again. We suggested she talk to her therapist about it before but that we were open to meeting up with her to sort of see what our read on her was since it had been months since we saw her.

Then I went out of town and she messaged my partner saying that her boyfriend was in jail due to a probation violation and she found out he cheated on her recently. Naturally, this made my partner want to meet up with her so he set up a private date with her and asked me how I felt about it. I told him i was uncomfortable but that if he felt strongly about doing it then he should do whatever he wants. Over the next couple days I shared my major concerns about her and then the day of I told him I really didn't like this. He said he was going to assess the situation and see how he felt about her and if he thought it was a good idea to have sex with her or not and that he would update me as the night progressed. I admit I was not being clear and was not immediately aware and therefore not able to clearly articulate how uncomfortable I was with this person.

After she was over at our house and I hadn't heard from him for a while, I asked how it was going and I got a text that things are great, he's really attracted to her and wants to have sex with her. I said something passive aggressive and didn't hear back, then I asked if he just started messing around with her before hearing back from me and he said no they just made out (which ended up being a lie) but now they were about to go have sex. I said "gross" which I admit is an immature way of handling my strong emotions that were coming up but then he proceeded to go fuck her. And now we have been fighting about it for the last couple weeks.

We already know where our communication broke down, where we will both make different decisions and take different actions next time but where we still disagree is on whether or not this girl is a good FWB situation moving forward. I feel that she is very unhealthy, has a lot of chaos in her life and it seriously turns me off that I'm even associated with a person like this even if it is "by proxy". My partner admits that yes this person has chaos but defends her by saying she's "working on herself" and saying that he only wants a FWB situation with her and nothing more. He thinks I should meet up with her and try to see that she is a person trying to improve her life. I have compassion for people like that and I don't wish her harm but I just think there are plenty of other people to have FWB situations that don't have all this drama going on. Any advice!?
 
Sounds like your bf has White Knight Syndrome. Some people are drawn to needy hurting (messed up)people, and want or need to "help."

Also he's got NRE, which can force the head well up the ass.

What can you do to take care of you?
 
Just because your partner is dating her, it doesn't mean that you have to be involved with her. Instead of trying to persuade him not to be involved with her, ensure that there are tough boundaries that prevent her drama affecting you. Other than that, it's usually best to let adults choose their own friends and partners.
 
This woman sounds like a whole bunch of trouble, but apparently, your bf loves trouble. I wouldn't recommend telling bf not to see her, that will make her forbidden fruit and all the more sexually alluring. You can certainly decide you don't wish to have an interpersonal relationship with her, find a nice way to say it like "I'm not interested in having a partner or a friend who is going through so much transition in her life" or something. Then just stay the heck out of it. Down the road, if it seems like she's got her act together and hasn't been affecting bf negatively, you can always change your mind.
 
Granted, my tolerance for drama is higher than most. Still, while she has a significant amount of drama in HER relationships; and you and your SO have drama in YOURS over HER issues; it doesn't appear that she and he have much drama themselves.

I know you dislike the thought of getting involved in all her issues, but as long as she doesn't bring it around you, maybe just let this relationship run a natural course? Sounds like it'll die on its own, anyway.
 
This woman sounds like a whole bunch of trouble, but apparently, your bf loves trouble.

Maybe there is some back story I've been missing, but I don't see how the information presented describes her as a whole bunch of trouble.

Sure, it doesn't sound like she leads a calm and event free life, but all of the stuff described seems like the things that happen in life. She's had a pregnancy which didn't go to term, she has a boyfriend she's on again off again with, she's had a boyfriend cheat on her and he's landed himself in jail, and she's had a "long history of mental health issues". These are things which can describe any life... life isn't always nice and neat.

However, I don't think any of these things are the issue the OP is having. The OP is looking for anything which might resemble a good enough excuse not to like her metamour... anything that will get her boyfriend to dump her.

Just because your partner is dating her, it doesn't mean that you have to be involved with her. Instead of trying to persuade him not to be involved with her, ensure that there are tough boundaries that prevent her drama affecting you. Other than that, it's usually best to let adults choose their own friends and partners.

THIS would seem to be the problem you [OP] ought to take a look at. Currently you appear to be approaching your relationship as a "team dating" exercise. That is, all of this "we" involved in his relationship shows that the two of you intend to share everything about all people who are involved. As MightyMax stated, I strongly suggest you stop looking at who "we" are dating, and start looking at who each of you are dating - as individuals.

I think you will find that this approach will foster far less drama between you and your partner(s). The girl he's dating doesn't have anything to do with you. If you don't want her life to be involved in yours then just let your partner know and stay out of it.
 
My advice is insulate/remove yourself from their relationship. Honestly it is none of your business.

Two simple rules have served me well in my poly life. Mind your own business and don't fuck fragile.
 
Personally, I do not think it's as simple as the recent posters have so blithely put it. Unless you're quite detached from your partner, I do not see how you can totally step aside and coldly observe him being involved with a person who is floundering and wild. Personally when there is drama with metamours I've had over the years, it can't help but spill over at least a little into my own life. If my partner is suffering and upset over their OSO, and spending a ton of energy working on problems, it is going to have an impact on my life, as it would if any close friend, or close relative was struggling in their life.

Firstly, you feel empathy for your partner and their pain. Secondly you might question their ethics in being involved with a person you don't approve of and find very sketchy (and even unworthy of their attention). Thirdly, if your partner is struggling and swept up in drama, it can deeply affect the quality of time you spend with them, enjoyment of dates, even their ability to be present when with you.

How to remain unattached? Telling the OP, "just do it, just step back" is the "what" she should do. The "how" to do it is the tricky part.
 
I agree that stating to let the BF date and remain detached sounds simple in theory but is harder in practice. Drama from new relationships with less than emotionally stable new people does seem to spill over into the longer term relationship no matter how badly the party involved with that person works to prevent it from doing so... then throw in NRE and that shite gets even worse.

Still, I am of the ilk that the best course of action is to let this play out as it will. The first instinct maybe to "control" the situation by instituting rules or stating that your partner will not get involved with her, but all that does is put stress on your relationship - which is counter-productive and is what you are trying to avoid.

If you don't want her in your life, don't get involved and set firm boundaries for yourself and your partner. If he breaks those boundaries or starts to take you for granted, then you work on those problems if/when they happen. Honestly, there will be stuff you all will have to work through even if no drama results from the other woman. This is a change and change will mean adjustment. BUT until the drama occurs and spills over into your relationship, give your partner the benefit of the doubt - it's called trust - that he loves you, respects your relationship and will do the work he needs to do to keep your relationship safe while attempting to build whatever he is building with the other lady.

My advice to you personally is to stop worrying about what hasn't happened yet and focus instead on what you have right in front of you (your relationship with your partner.) Make sure you are doing your part of the work to keep your own personal relationship with your bf loving, happy, supportive and wonderful. If you can focus on providing a safe, loving relationship at home (or in your life with him) without anger, resentment or passive-aggressive behavior, then whatever he encounters with the other women will have no effect or consequence on your relationship. On the personal side, try not to focus so intently on his relationship with her, whatever it maybe, and do not compare your relationship with their relationship because comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison will rob you of all happiness by blinding you to the joy you have in your relationship and provides no value whatsoever.

If it were me, I would say this to my partner directly so he would know where I was coming from - so he knew that he had a loving, supportive partner who was just as interested in his personal growth and happiness as I was invested in my own. Good luck - this could be an amazing personal growth opportunity for you.
 
Last edited:
Personally, I do not think it's as simple as the recent posters have so blithely put it. Unless you're quite detached from your partner, I do not see how you can totally step aside and coldly observe him being involved with a person who is floundering and wild. Personally when there is drama with metamours I've had over the years, it can't help but spill over at least a little into my own life. If my partner is suffering and upset over their OSO, and spending a ton of energy working on problems, it is going to have an impact on my life, as it would if any close friend, or close relative was struggling in their life.

Firstly, you feel empathy for your partner and their pain. Secondly you might question their ethics in being involved with a person you don't approve of and find very sketchy (and even unworthy of their attention). Thirdly, if your partner is struggling and swept up in drama, it can deeply affect the quality of time you spend with them, enjoyment of dates, even their ability to be present when with you.

How to remain unattached? Telling the OP, "just do it, just step back" is the "what" she should do. The "how" to do it is the tricky part.

It is that simple for me. I am sure it is part of my character that makes my line of work easy for me. I work as Veterinary Technician in an emergency vet clinic. I have to be able to separate myself emotionally for the present situation or I would self destruct or kill something if I allow my emotions to get the better of me. I deal with death, dying, and horrific situations every shift. Last weekend I worked I was apart of 20 euthanasias. Yes I feel for the families who lose their pets BUT I cannot get caught up in their emotional turmoil.

I am not emotionally detached from Butch. I love him dearly BUT I refuse to allow his partners to bring chaos into my life. I refuse to allow HIM to bring chaos into my life. Do I like to see him hurt hell no BUT HE chooses to continue down that path who am I to hinder his journey. If he wants to have crazy in his life more power to him but that isn't going to include me.
 
It is that simple for me. I am sure it is part of my character that makes my line of work easy for me. I work as Veterinary Technician in an emergency vet clinic. I have to be able to separate myself emotionally for the present situation or I would self destruct or kill something if I allow my emotions to get the better of me. I deal with death, dying, and horrific situations every shift. Last weekend I worked I was apart of 20 euthanasias. Yes I feel for the families who lose their pets BUT I cannot get caught up in their emotional turmoil.

I am not emotionally detached from Butch. I love him dearly BUT I refuse to allow his partners to bring chaos into my life. I refuse to allow HIM to bring chaos into my life. Do I like to see him hurt hell no BUT HE chooses to continue down that path who am I to hinder his journey. If he wants to have crazy in his life more power to him but that isn't going to include me.

Hm. In a medical emergency (had to bring miss pixi to the ER last week, in fact) I am able to keep a cool head and be organized and do what needs to be done to address the crisis. But in something involving emotional crises, or difficult confused complicated emotional situations, I am not able to easily detach at all. Some things can keep just stabbing my heart over and over. I don't grow scar tissue or callouses easily on my heart.
 
I think it's great that the OP is getting different perspectives on this topic. We all work differently in relationships... so it's nice to get a rounded perspective when asking for advice. I don't think either way is right or wrong - it just depends on the people involved.

YMMV - right?
 
Back
Top